Okay, now I want weed to be legalized for only one goddamn reason...drug dealers suck. As you get older, they get shittier. It's a fact. I mean, if you're going to be a drug dealer, then do your job correctly. Quit being so goddamn sketchy and lagging so hard. Don't be a drug dealer if ya can't keep your clients happy. It's a business, dude...that's all I'm saying.

Anyway, I'm feeling good. That's all that matters. Keep hearing the same songs but I don't feel the same way anymore, and I'd say that's a good thing. I could just be avoiding it but regardless, it's definitely a good thing. Smiling!

It's been raining a lot, so I've been thinking...a lot. I can get nostalgic and bitter, but mostly I am apathetic and bored. I feel like my cat, he is always trying to play with whatever he can find. Making fun of something that's not very fun at all. I really attempt to be optimistic and hopeful. Playful. But I feel that it can be quite unfulfilling when it is only one-sided. Nobody wants to play.

You give and you give, and you get nothing back. Only time wasted. And another lesson learned, oy.

I work Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. YES! I love money. I'm fine with working Christmas eve and Christmas night, I'm all about that holiday pay. I don't care much for the holidays.

I don't know where you've been. Sometimes I wonder, sometimes I care. Most of the time I am happily not giving a shit. But sometimes, I just get so bothered thinking about those pathetic conversations we've had. It crawls under my skin; you are just the itch I cannot scratch. I hate it!

My attitude keeps changing. At this very moment, I...

I don't know. I am puzzled. I am in a pickle. But I am still extremely content with everything!

I'm going to Max Bemis' solo show in February and am really fucking stoked. I seriously can't wait. Going alone to this one as well and it's going to be beautiful. I bought my ticket the first second I could. Ah!

And other than work I don't have that many responsibilities for the next few weeks. That really makes me smile. I love my bed.

I feel relief. I found my car key and house key! I couldn't find 'em, and the only place they could've been was Ashley's car and Kristin's house. After a whole day and a half of my mom constantly reminding me that I'd have to pay $300-400 for a new key, uh...yeah, I'm very fucking happy right now. Phew.

It's been raining a lot and it's pretty cold. The days blur together but I sincerely do not care. I'm in a daze and I don't want to think about anything; I just want to forget.

Why does everyone have to be so sketchy lately? Don't say it if ya don't mean it. Just don't say anything at all! Everyone's got a secret agenda and I just find it really annoying, and I wish that I wasn't involved in any way. I am so tired of mind games...I hate that these kind of people make everything so difficult for me. They are the sketchiest people I know and they completely exhaust me.

And I don't know why I keep refreshing the page thinking something will change. Something new, something I want to read. But it doesn't, and I don't really feel anything anymore.

I'm just getting over everything, and that makes me happy. Very happy.

The cat has decided to take a nap and stick to daydreaming instead. Sleep is more comforting.

Also, I'm in a great mood because "Fabio" won Survivor. I have loved him the whole time and I am stoked he won, he deserved it more than anyone. He was completely genuine and so lovable...and he's such a babe, holy crap.

BABE. I want him, I really do.

inch by inch

So now I'm forging ahead past all the plutocrats who sold me out. Go sob in your bed if life is twice as pretty once you're dead, then send me a card - I'm still the optimist, though it is hard when all you want to be is in a dream.

Meow?

I feel good. I am getting over being sick I think, and I haven't even started the antibiotics yet. Went to the doctor to hear about my blood work, found out I have to come back every week for a month for shots. And then once a month after that. Yay! Needles suck so bad...but hey, vitamins are cool.

The Christmas work party is tonight, I'm excited. Free food, free food, free food, free food...yum. Last year's was so funny, I hope everyone goes to this one. And today is Cassie's birthday! Can't wait to see her.

Then I plan to go to my friend's birthday party Saturday and hang out with all my coworkers again. The last few times I've heard about the pukers, and I am excited to finally witness these friends get drunk. And Ashley's coming down for the weekend, so everything is gonna be fun.

I know the cat and mouse game may have already ended, but the cat still wants to play.

Took the last two finals today. So glad it's over. Now I have like a month or so to not care about anything.

I'm scheduled to work Friday, Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday. And then my friend Nick asked me to pick up his shift Saturday. I'm stoked. I just want to work and not think about anything. Being at work is fun. I like work. Work likes me.

I'm always right, goddamnit. Go fuck yourself and leave me alone.

Sick as a dog.

All of a sudden I can't breathe, it's either way too hot or too cold, and I've got this annoying cough that really hurts my throat. I have spent almost every hour in bed today, besides the trip to Walgreens or sitting in the living room. Fuck being sick, it really screws with any other plans I had. Not like I planned to do much today anyway, but regardless - I hate feeling like this. UGH!

Tomorrow's my last two finals. Thank fucking goodness.

Despite how I feel physically, I'm quite alright emotionally. All is well. Still not givin' a fuck, and it still rules.

Sometimes I don't know where my head is, but then I quickly realize it doesn't matter. I don't want to know.

I really, really, really, really, really do not want to know.

jogging over skulls and leg bones

I am cheerful I guess. I highly doubt it's because it's christmas time, but who knows. I'll admit the christmas lights on our street makes me smile. I love the lights around the trees, it makes driving down this street so much more enjoyable.

The first hour or so of my day wasn't anything to smile about. I woke up groggy, due to the late night I had. I wrote my art history teacher a long email regarding my grade, pleading my case to have her somehow add 2% to my grade. I also mentioned other things, like how unhappy I was with my museum paper grade, and I made a lot of solid points as to why I deserve that measly 2%. I then woke up early to go speak to her in her office and she's only there for an hour. I get there and I see my email enlarged on the screen, and she tells me she does not discuss grades over email. Ugh. Long story short - she completely rejected me in the span of three minutes. Came home and cried a little more, mostly because I'm just upset with myself for being foolish and fucking up. It's obviously my fault, I can't blame the teacher. Although I did make good fucking points...

Anyway, I then turned that frown upside down and decided I should be in a good mood. I cleaned for the cleaners (still never makes sense to me), ate pizza, got electrolyte-d in the face for an hour (didn't hurt like I thought it would), dropped my mom off at the movies and went to the gym, took a really long shower, ate a sandwich and some sour patch kids, reorganized some crap in my room, blah blah blah. I'm in a good mood, that's all that matters.

I get to sleep in this morning. Well, I have the opportunity to...but I know that someone is going to ruin it. Someone's going to wake me up early by being too noisy or coming in my room, I fucking know it! I have work at 5, selling hearts with Robert. The Chronicles of Narnia comes out tomorrow so I assume it could be busy.

Alright, I'm over lurking. I can't lurk anymore. Too much. It's never-ending...click, click, click, click, click, click...this link, that link...read, read, read...click, click, click, click...

And to be truthful, some of the things I find give me anxiety. I don't know how to explain it. The drop-in-your-stomach kind of feeling. Or even just the oh-god-of-course-you-did feeling; it can be so unsettling.

I wonder what I'll dream about tonight...

Two weeks ago I stayed up eight hours writing the perfect essay to turn in to my art history class. Got it back tonight, she gave me a 72. The only thing she had to critique me on was sources. That's it. I didn't have enough sources. I wrote this beautiful fucking essay and quoted and sourced what I needed to, and she wrote "Source?" on each page. Nothing else though. How do you score a low fucking C on an essay when you meet every criteria on the prompt, and you're supposedly only missing a few "sources"? After this essay, the final exam (score: 70.5), and the final group project (score: 100%) were inputted into the grade, the final grade is a 68%. I'm off by two percentage points. As I walked out of class I immediately started crying. Drove home crying. Got in bed and cried some more. Yeah, I'm upset I didn't pass, but really I'm fucking mad cause I spent so much time on these last few projects, only to come up short. How do you get docked 28 points for supposedly not having enough sources, and that's the ONLY thing wrong with your essay? That essay is 20% of my grade, so yeah, it's really fucking important to me. Ugh, I'm so pissed.

Does anyone want to come over and hold me while I cry into my pillow? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Now I'm in a shitty mood, and I just want to eat and eat, but I'm not even that hungry. I just want to stuff my face and devour my feelings. I'll probably go to In-N-Out. I deserve a good cheeseburger to go with a good cry. And maybe some good fries, too. Maybe even a good chocolate shake.

system software

I am tired.

I stayed up late last night being productive, but mostly I just productively procrastinated. After I spent hours creating an easy list for myself to refer to while registering this morning, I then took a shower, watched the new Glee, smoked and ate macaroni and cheese and sour patch kids, lurked on facebook, and ultimately wasted time. By 4:30, I realized I should just go to bed.

My alarm went off at 7:15. I initially had planned to wake up early and finish the research/report for my last group project (due tonight), but I just laid there. 8:00, spent two hours registering for classes. I fucking hate registering, everything I really need is never open. I still got classes that qualify me to transfer to a cal-state, but I really need English 100 and Communications 100. Maybe next semester. After completing registration, I worked on the research shit. Then I studied for my final exam in my computer information systems class at 11. I scored average on the exam, and got a C for the class. Ugh. Now I'm finishing the research, then I need to get ready for class. I look like shit. I have not worn make-up or styled my hair in the slightest bit for the past few days. Maybe week? The week days feel so slow. I get out of bed, brush my teeth, throw on the same brown pants and whatever band t-shirt is hanging up still. Same old American Apparel hoodies, same old shoes. I really stopped caring about how I look, because I'm just too busy worrying about other things. I drag my feet through the week days, just stumbling along. I'm losing sleep again. I wake up early and exhausted, and annoyed. I'M TIRED.

Eh. I thought I could sleep in tomorrow and I was really excited, but my group wants to meet at 12. Goddamnit. The final project, due Wednesday. Then art history is over....fuck yes!

Took the last test in English tonight. Next week is the last class and it's the final exam, we have to write an essay in class. In-class essays are my kryptonite...there is nothing I struggle with more than having to write a well thought-out essay within an hour. But actually he told us we have three hours to write it, so if it takes me all fucking three hours, then so be it. It's going to suck so bad.

I didn't realize what the date was, and the significance of it, until facebook informed me. Eh, more like the insignificance. I do not care.

I basically cleaned out my whole room. I cleared out everything under my bed, everything out of my bathroom, boxed up a bunch of shit and reorganized my closet. My dad told me he's finally going to remodel my room (like it should've been a few years ago.) Completely redoing the bathroom, giving my room hardwood floors, painting my walls, new windows. Finally.

I've got a lot on my mind, but I don't care. I just don't care anymore!

Instead of poking someone on facebook, I wish it would let me send them the middle finger. C'mon, that's funny.

bad night

Well...I had a dream that someone's ex-girlfriend paid some mexican witch/gypsy lady to curse my bed. I caught her with her hand under my sheet, shoving twelve bucks as far down as she could. No fucking idea what that means, but she cursed my bed and the ex-girlfriend was crazy, and then everything in my life starting sucking really hard. Just everything really really really sucked. I don't remember much else, but the whole dream was really fucking weird. All my dreams lately freak me out...I need to stop smoking before bed...

Plus I eat sour patch kids when I'm in bed waiting to fall asleep. Must be a sugar high or something. I want normal dreams again, everything lately is dramatic and suspenseful and painful...and I always wake up with anxiety. Anyway...

I also woke up several times in the middle of the night and this morning because I was too fucking hot. I don't know what's going on but I felt like I had a fever, everything was too hot and the sheets were killing me. And I was sweating and it took so long to fall back asleep, blah blah blah...felt like shit.

I don't know what the hell is going on with me, but it's pissing me off...

Work called and said I don't have to come in tonight. I was kind of glad to hear that, I felt like absolute shit and didn't want to talk to people all night. So today I'm going to have a "me" day, where I do productive things for myself. After my shower and chicken noodle soup, I'm going to a few stores and buying shit I need, and then coming home and cleaning my room. Well, I hope I clean my room...but I'm definitely doing homework.

What's a weekend anyway? The weekends are never weekends to me...I don't really do anything anymore. (Sigh.)

It's only 1:30...woooooo.

they've got the army of ears

Hung out with Kayla for a few hours tonight which was nice. I haven't seen her for a few months so it was nice to catch up and talk and smoke. I haven't really talked to anyone from Kennedy since school ended, besides Ashley of course. I knew it would be that way. High school sucked.

(The only thing I miss is...there was nothing else to think about besides high school. No bills, no car insurance crap, taxes, gas, college crap, your future...ugh. As much as I hated the whole experience, I miss the ignorance. I didn't have to think about any of this shit, just what I was going to wear the next morning and how I would get home from school that day. Easy living.)

Growing up is painfully enjoyable. I can't say I don't enjoy the push and pull though.

Yesterday I drove to Thousand Oaks to spend the night at Ashley's house. Being home alone with her in that big house was really fun, it made me realize how fun moving out together will be. I like that we were laughing the whole night. I wish I could write all the special moments, but I don't have the energy. I'm so exhausted. Ugh...I'm always exhausted.

Didn't lose my mind though. Maybe some other time.

Got stuck in traffic today on my way home but I made it in time for work at five. Got sent home at seven due to how dead it was, there weren't any great releases this weekend. Close tomorrow and Sunday, selling heart pins with Robert. Such an easy shift, yessssssss. Money rules, my paycheck today ruled. And the next one's going to rule, too. Having money is the best feeling. Well...maybe not the "best" feeling, but it's certainly a good one.

I can't stop eating. I've been eating so much. With Ashley, we devoured pizza, cheese sticks, candy, brownies with ice cream...and then this morning we went to her work at Mimi's Cafe. I got turkey club sandwiches with fries, and ate a lot of bread. Came home, ate pizza again. And I have this huge bag of sour patch kids that I've been eating for the past few days. (It was a great idea to drive to Walmart just for these the other night, go me.) I really hope I gain some weight, I miss being bigger. I am so tiny now, it drives me crazy.

Okay, time to watch some shows and pass out.

Max Bemis...I love you.

"The time has come for colds and overcoats"

Hi. I am feeling relieved. Time has finally slowed down and I am back to normal. I can breathe again.

Tonight was the art history final exam. I studied all morning and I think I did alright. I'm sure I missed a few, but it's certainly better than the other exams I've had in there. Hopefully I get a decent grade, because if I bomb this one...I'm fucked. Anyways...happy thoughts, happy thoughts! School is almost over and winter break is almost here, I can taste it. I can't wait to sleep in. Sleep all day, every day.

I have a doctor's appointment in the morning, I need to get some blood work done. Blah blah blah, I'm still unhealthy, blah blah blah. I'm trying to be healthier. I'm doing better now though. Went to see the doctor a few days ago and got things prescribed to me to help, blah blah blah. It's just annoying now. I need to go to the gym again. I will once school ends, I swear...don't judge me.

I'm just trying to be positive, that's all. Things don't seem so dramatic with my newfound perspective. I'm such a bitch now, but it keeps me feeling good so that's all that matters. I come first. I'm the only person who truly gives a shit about me.

Unfortunately I've realized how skeptical I am. I just can't believe a word anyone says anymore. Just quit feeding me bullshit and we'll be fine. Don't make this harder than it has to be.

Don't have much to do right now. I guess I'll take a shower, pass some time. Procrasterbation will be the death of me. Just kidding, sort of.

I just don't want to care anymore. These past few months have been hell I guess. I've been all over the place. And now, with this new attitude, I feel invincible again. I don't want to care. I don't want to worry. I don't want to feel paranoid, or anxious, or disappointed. And no more overanalyzing, that's over with. Expect a happier, bitchier me. I now give zero fucks and I like it that way.

It's officially December. It gets too fucking cold sometimes, I hate it! And all this Christmas music is silly, it's been playing since the beginning of November. I really don't care about this holiday. I guess I'm just bitter. It's been five years since we've had a Christmas where we were all truly happy. I wish my grandma and Reggie were still here. That's the only wish I've got for Christmas.

Winter time is loneliness's best friend. It's cold and miserable and bitter. I've always been lonely, but now I see it in a different light. I like being alone. I really do.

Alright, time to cure this headache.

Tomorrow, I'm going to lose my mind!

I'm upset.

My dad came to my room this morning and asked me, "Do you want a chocolate donut?" On the weekends he goes to the donut shop and buys us all our favorite kind. I usually (only) get the chocolate donut with colorful sprinkles, but lately I feel sick after. I think I'm over chocolate donuts for now. I tell him this, and he looks a little bummed. He says, "Well...would you like a cinnamon roll then?" Excited, I said yes. I fucking love cinnamon rolls. Hours later when I'm finally ready to eat, I pull it out of the bag and it's this big, twirly glazed donut. I guess it has the appearance of a cinnamon roll, but it didn't look as cinnamon-y. I heat it up in the microwave, grab a fork, pour myself a glass of milk, and take it to my room to devour. After two bites I realize, it's not a cinnamon roll at all! It's just a big, twirly glazed donut...doesn't taste cinnamon-y in the slightest bit. I feel like calling that donut a cinnamon roll is very misleading, and I am pissed.

Anyway, I'm laying in bed watching Two Lovers. Joaquin Phoenix is such a babe. I have work at five, I'm selling the heart pins again, and tonight Robert is my partner. He loves doing the whole spiel in front of the audiences, so I just have to hold the box and look good. The last movie's at 10:35, I'm really hoping they just let me go home instead of making me help concessions close. I'm scheduled to sell hearts, not to clean shit, fffuuu...

I'm really loving all these hours I've been working though. I love keeping busy, it keeps my mind off everything else. Oddly enough, I am happiest when I'm at work. Depending on who I'm scheduled with of course, but still. Being paid to enjoy working eight hours is something I don't mind. More hours, please. I applied at a few other places, but who knows. I'll stay at the theater for now.

I don't want to get out of bed though. It's too cold outside, it's too cold inside. It's too cold everywhere. I just want to stay warm, damnit.

blurry

I finished the essay around eight this morning, then cuddled with Jerry for a bit, then smoked and ate french toast. Got extremely full and my stomach was killing me. Studied for two quizzes for my morning class. Did alright on 'em, came back. Smoked, hung out with my sister, dropped my mom off at the movies (she doesn't mind me doing that, so it works out!) and then headed to class at six. It was such a relief to turn the paper in, it's been on my back for weeks. I can breathe again! She let us out early tonight cause "Thanksgiving." I love excuses. I am so tired, and still high. I've been high all day I think. Only when I'm home though, I didn't smoke for either classes cause it doesn't help me. We had pizza again today and I'm so full. I had it for lunch and then finished it right now for dinner. I love eating, ugh. I'm so happy I've started to eat a lot again. Tomorrow is going to rule.

I wanted to go out earlier, but now I'm glad I stayed home. I am comfy and so fucking exhausted. I can't wait to sleep. But now I'm going to play wii with my mom, and then we'll play a game of pool. And then watch Survivor. And I'm pretty sure I'm going to be up late again tonight. Oy.

I'm a zombie today.

I have work in the morning at eight. Goddamnit.

-----

It's five-thirty in the morning. High, just ate a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch. And before that I was in the shower. I do this almost every night. I live at night. This is my daytime. I eat and shower and do productive activities, and then I pass out. It's fun to me. I'm comfortable, watching Friends and taking a little break. I've been writing an essay all night. I started around eleven or so, and I've been slowly writing it. I'm taking my time. I have a lot of energy tonight, it's weird. But I can't stop thinking about other shit besides my essay, so it's a little frustrating. I have a lot done though.

I've been eating a lot. The past few days I've had lots of spaghetti, pizza, mac n' cheese...I forget what else. Just a bunch of yummy stuff. I'm excited for Thanksgiving, my mom's making green bean casserole. It's my favorite thing she's ever made. Mashed potatoes n' stuffing, nomnomnomnom.

Chessie, my dog, has had the worst gas the past few days. It's this distinctive smell, and it's all we ever smell from her now. I don't know what she's eating but god, it crawls up your nose and melts your eyeballs. I swear, it's painful. I try to kick her out of my room but she comes back and pushes my door open, and gives me those eyes. I tell her to leave and that her ass stinks, but she just gives me that sad face and lays down. My mom and sister think Chessie is eating Boot's shit out of the litter box. But every time I go check the litter box, there's not a single poop in there. I'm pretty sure Boots just goes and shits outside in the yard with our other two cats. I really hope he's not using the litter box and Chessie's acting like the clean-up crew. Ugh, so gross...

Okay, back to the essay. I have to write about an artwork I chose from when I went to the Norton Simon museum. It's a Dutch Baroque genre scene painting, which I'm glad I chose. I have to explain thoroughly the painting from appearance to symbolism, and also explain the greater historical meaning. Blah blah blah. It's been simple to understand, and I feel like I'll actually get a good grade on this.

Then I have to wake up early to study for two quizzes at eleven. Then after my CIS class I have to finish another homework assignment before 6. Shouldn't be difficult, but my mom wants me to take her to a movie. And I really do owe her a movie, I keep putting it off.

My dad's up for work already. He came down the hallway and asked me why I'm still up. Yeah, seriously. Why the hell am I still up?

Oh yeah, because I procrastinate and procrastinate and procrastinate until I can't fucking procrastinate anymore.

Hate myself in this very moment. Bye.

Only a thousand you's

Today was supposed to suck, but it fortunately turned out to be a good day.

Let me explain!

I woke up early to write an essay for my English class, which was tonight from 6:30-9. It's every Monday. Last week, I didn't do the homework which was to write a few different paragraphs for our introduction and evaluative fallacy paragraph for our essay. We would've gone over it in class, and it would've been pointless for me to sit there and not be able to participate in the peer editing he has us do. So I ditched and saw Megamind 3D alone, and it was awesome. So anyway, I was thinking the final draft was going to be due tonight so I woke up to finish it before my other class. I'm just about finished with it when I finally looked at the calendar and realized the final draft is due next week. Feel such a relief. Finished the other vocabulary homework, feelin' good. Get there early, as always, and sit n' wait for the professor to let us in. I ask the dude next to me what happened in class last week, and he says the teacher left a note on the door and said there was no class. I was fucking stoked, I didn't miss anything. So tonight he comes and apologizes to everyone, and we take both tonight's vocabulary quiz along with last week's. And we do the peer editing and I get all the credit I thought I had lost. And the final draft isn't even due next week, it's due in two weeks! Only the rough draft is due next week. And also, I checked my grade that he posts on the wall...I have a B again! What a fucking relief.

I have another class every Monday, 3-4:15 (but usually drags on to 4:30 because he won't look at the damn clock.) It's visual communications dealing with multimedia. It's a cool class I guess, but it usually never makes sense. The professor is dealing with medical issues and some other shit I'm assuming, because he has really fallen behind on the class. Around the fourth week he stopped posting the threads for us to submit our assignments. And he even stopped posting the quizzes. The first day of class there was probably around thirty people enrolled, and by the third class only seven or so show up. And we are the only ones who ever show up. And the hour or so we spend in that freezing room is just one big awkward moment. It's always silent, and the professor is just not doing well. He's a nice guy but sometimes he forgets what points he's making, or just tells stories so slow that people are falling asleep left and right. I try to talk and participate, but his questions are so...stupid. He asks these questions, and we answer correctly. And he is never happy with what he have to say, he comes up with the most obvious answer. The answer that was way too fucking obvious to say, it's just a known fact. I don't know, it's hard to explain. It can get frustrating. But anyways, he finally updated the threads and told us that we have a lot of time to upload all our assignments. And we can take whatever quiz we haven't. He said it would be hypocritical and wrong if he didn't allow us to turn this shit in, and he's right. It's not our fault. So that's also a big relief.

My computer information systems class is going alright. I don't have a good grade right now but I will after this Wednesday. It's every Wednesday, 11-12ish. Missed class last week so I missed the chapter seven quiz, so now I have to take that after the chapter eight quiz this week. I'm going to study and everything will be fine. Leave me alone.

Tomorrow, err...today is going to be a productive day. I have to write my essay for art history Wednesday night. It's worth a big chunk of my grade, and I'm just about failing in there. And I need to get my shit together in there. Got a group project still to do before next week's class. This is the only class I'm really stressed about.

I can't fucking wait for this semester to be over. That's all I have to say about that.

I've really had the worst luck this month though. Just a bunch of accidents and unfortunate incidents. I got hit in the face by a water bottle at work, leaving a nice bruise/bump under my eye. A fellow employee spilled slurpee juice on my back and ruined my white shirt. While taking the trash out by myself, I stepped in a big puddle formed by the nasty liquids dripping out of the trash compactor. Fucking gross. I have so many bruises from just being too damn clumsy. My toenail is on the verge of falling off. It's been fucking months, and I've been patiently waiting. Although now I realize I don't want it to fall off, because it'll take forever to grow back. Ugh. And I'm pretty sure I had an allergic reaction or something to this new face moisturizer my mom gave me. My skin just feels rough and irritated, I'm so pissed. I'm falling apart lately, waaaaaaah.

This past month in general just sucked. I lost my way, and kept telling myself I was getting back on track. But I wasn't. I procrastinated until I couldn't anymore. And I'm paying for it now. My body aches from sleepless nights, I stay up way too late. Doing nothing, doing everything. Doing anything really. My mind has wandered to odd places lately. But after fighting excessively with my parents yesterday, and after all the commotion, I was exhausted and ultimately defeated. I can't be an asshole anymore. I need to figure my shit out. I've got all these ideas popping up in my head. I know I don't have any set direction, but the only one I care about is up. Things are looking up, I'm hoping.

Yesterday wasn't a good day, to put it simply. So today was definitely needed. Even my mom noticed my positive attitude, she was happy. We really got into it yesterday, and then I also fucked up and created more issues between my parents. So there was a lot of tension in the house, but it's mostly gone now. I worked 4-close Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It was nice to work some goddamn hours again. After I got off Saturday night around midnight or so, I headed to Spencer's new apartment to see Cassie, Ramsey, Matt and Spencer. Missed all those faces. It was the first time I had gone out in the past three weekends I think. I've resorted back to my old ways and became a homebody again. It just feels so good, I can't help it. Being in bed > anything else.

After class tonight I met up with Michael and Spencer to see Harry Potter. We smoked, and the movie still sort of sucked. I just had no idea what the hell was going on. I want to watch the other ones and get into it, but I'm just kind of bored with it.

I work a lot this weekend, too. My last few paychecks have been decent, and I haven't been spending it like I usually was. Because I've barely gone out, I still have most of it. Staying home has way more pros than cons. I work 8-4 Thanksgiving morning, then 8:30-430 Friday, 4-close Saturday and 5-close Sunday. I don't really have any plans this weekend so I won't mind working late. I need the money.

My sister brought home spaghetti from her early lunch and so that's what I had for breakfast when I woke up. And then another big bowl for lunch. There's still some left in the fridge, I'll probably eat it later today. When I got home from the movie, I remembered my mom had brought home broccoli cheddar soup from Panera Bread. And I just watched today's episode of All My Children, and David is actually alive! I am so fucking happy, I was pissed when they said he was dead. Loving life today.

Next week won't be so stressful, I think. And if I'm right, I'm driving to see Ashley immediately. I've got a lot of shit I need to do, and I swear I'm going to. I'm over being stupid. I don't want to be a negative bitch anymore. I'm really trying to snap out of it, just give me some time. I'm going to be normal again, I promise!

I'm starting to care again. All these shitty situations are somehow turning into pleasant surprises. I am pleased.

Please don't stop. I want to keep smiling.

Still listening to Say Anything right now. Goddamnit. I just can't stop, and I don't wanna.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I fucked up. My mom's gonna kill me.

"I've got an empty wallet and a record cover"

I have become consumed with Say Anything. I am obsessed, I can't stop listening to them. These past few months have been ridiculous. I've always loved 'em, but I don't know what happened...Now I wake up and immediately push play on my itunes, constantly on a shuffled playlist of allllll Say Anything songs. All day, every day. I get in my car and plug my ipod in and just continue where I left off. Even when I go to the gym, I only listen to them. Last month I went to a Say Anything show by myself. I creepily follow Max on twitter and enjoy it very much. The other day my sister said, "Do you ever listen to anyone else?" Aaaaaah! Every emotion I have throughout the day I easily relate to one of their songs. I'm going crazy...

I think I'm in love with Max Bemis......Jesse Lacey, I'm sorry...I'll come back to you, I promise.

I've been putting off updating this, and now I can't remember all the stupid things I wanted to write.

I worked the Harry Potter midnight showing tonight. I was expecting a disastrous, chaotic mess and being there for hours, but I got sent home thirty minutes after midnight. I thought it would be worse than Twilight, but it was nowhere near as bad. We had to open all eighteen theaters for Twilight, but only nine for HP. I wanted to go to the gym after, but there's so many shows on tonight that I need to watch...decisions, decisions. I chose staying home and getting high with Brit and watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Now I'm in bed, watching Grey's Anatomy. I've been watching an episode every night this week, because I fell behind on this season. There's so many shows I need to catch up on, such a bummer.

I dropped a class, US History after 1877. It was on Tuesdays and Thursdays, 3:30-6. Couldn't do it anymore. I have too much to focus on in my other classes, and this one was an accelerated course. Fifteen units was just too much for me, sorry mom. I'm already bombing other classes that I need to focus on, ugh.

I guess I would usually write a shitload and complain about everything going on in my life, but I don't want to do that. I can't say that I'm not happier lately, because I am. I'm more positive than I've been for the past few months. Things still suck, people still suck, I still suck, but hey...at least I'm smiling.

oh me, oh my

There's a man assigned to me

and he checks on my stability.

We discuss you every week,

then I rinse and rinse, repeat.

And he charges by the tear,

'til I weep no more strictly out of fear

that I can't afford your love,

And the moon just burns above.

There's a lot of things I could write right now, about everything that has happened lately. But it is pointless. And silly.

All that matters: I am exhausted, and drained, and alone, and thoughtful, and kind of content with everything.

I wanted closure, and I got closure. So I'm feeling good. I want to exchange all this negative energy for positive energy, so...I will.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

like watching newborn babies crack from work-related stress

Waiting for an edible to hit you feels like forever.

I realized the homework I've been putting off for weeks won't be so hard after all, and that I'll just do it tomorrow before class. All the things I've been frustrated about this week have sort of faded out. After class today my mood has changed, I'm not any more optimistic. But I am going to choose to be more quiet. And that I'm going to relax. I am constantly biting everyone's heads off, I am so quick to jump to conclusions and give off my awkward negative vibes. I bitched out some bonehead today in my group in US History (after 1877) and the way he responded totally annoyed me. I'm too tired to go into detail but that moment made me realize I'm too tired to store all this negative energy all the goddamn time. I give up. I'm just going to say "meh" to everything, it'll make life so much easier. I don't want to care anymore.

I've been busy, I've been stressed, I've been dreaming.

Jerry is drooling all over me right now. I really love him, he has been the best cat. The biggest lover I've ever met. I'm so happy he forgave me after Boots and started sleeping in my room again.

Crazy cat lady FTW.

Alright...I'm hungry again. I eat so much now. It rules.

turn-around

I haven't been very positive lately. I've just felt like complete shit, because I realized that I am so unmotivated. Any passion or dream of mine isn't enough to light a fire under my ass. If I could smoke weed for a living, I would do it. But other than that, I don't really have much going for me.

All my old aspirations have been lost over time or just faded out until I completely forgot about 'em. I wanted to be an English teacher because I would teaching literature and whatnot, but then I decided not to. I wanted to be something involved with art history, but my memory will hold me back, so I gave up on that one. I thought about being a court reporter like my mom, and I'm still considering that as an option. But I'm so...empty. I've got nothing. My days consist of the same routine. By the time I crawl under my covers at night, I'm either - on the verge of tears, too high to fall asleep, or completely drained to the point that I'm numb. I'm tired of thinking and feeling. I wish I could neglect all responsibility and sit around and do what I do best. Nothing. I am so talented at procrastinating, it's like an art form. If I could major in procrastination, I would do just fine.

Something that has always been on my mind was opening my own shop. For what? I'm not too sure. I would love to say a bakery, but bakeries usually don't have the best business. If I could open a shop and sell edibles and all kinds of food, I would be so fucking happy. I could combine all my favorite things - food, weed and money. So, that's my goal. (For now.) I feel pretty confident thinking about this, so I'm going to run with it. Fuck it. This is what I want to do. I'm going to talk to my counselor to change my major to entrepreneurship.

Fuck off, everyone. I gave up on my social life weeks ago, and I'm doing better. I just want to focus on me. I've been a selfish bitch as of lately so I apologize to anyone and everyone. I am my top priority. Me. That's all I care about. I don't need anyone but me.

I've been falling apart for months, but I swear that I'm finally picking up the pieces. I have no other choice.

I haven't been this upset in a while. All these things piling up and bothering me, and giving me anxiety. It finally hit me, and I am so unbelievably pissed off.

I'm going to get high and eat my linguini with clams and garlic bread from yesterday that I never got to finish. I paid $16 for that shit, it's time to devour it and weep. Woe is me.

So stressful lately. Being a responsible young adult is so annoying.

I officially hate you. Yeah, I said it. You're nothing but a liar!

spew in this

I woke up early this morning, jumped out of bed, and rushed off to get Boots. I missed him. Driving in my car, I realized that my whole dream revolved around Max Bemis. We made out a few times, it was actually really awesome. Anyways, I arrive at the vet and the ladies up front direct me to the back room, same room I left him in. I walk in and I see all these cats, crying, whining, purring, bitching. And then I see Boots, curled up in the back of his cage. Poor baby. The lady tells me all the precautions I have to do, I pay, then I'm out the door. I get in my car and let Boots out of the box, since he loves sleeping in my lap when I drive. He jumps down to where the passenger foot area is, starts meowing and clawing at the carpet. Immediately I'm like "oh fuck!" and lean over as fast as possible to grab him. He's totally about to take a piss in my car. I swing open the passenger door, grab him around his chest and am leaning over, holding him outside the car. He's got one foot on the open door and the other on the inside of my car, and he's pissing. It was the funniest, most awkward moment we've shared in a while. After a minute of him still peeing, I'm just sitting there, staring at him. He's giving me this look, it's so apologetic and sincere, and a little embarrassed. He just really had to pee. Cars driving by just see this cat hanging outside of a car, they were like what the hell. Eventually we get home, and I put him in his new bed and he knocks out. He's so happy to be home.

I'm going to ditch my first class today, computer information systems. Every Wednesday we take a quiz that is worth 60 points, and I always get a B+ or higher. I'd rather stay home for that hour and a half and watch Boots. The teacher will let me make up the quiz, so really I'm not missing anything. But truthfully, it's 10:12 and class starts at 11, and I don't feel like getting ready right now. I need to shower and whatnot, and I'm starving. I'd rather get ready later before my second class at 6. And I have so much to study for tonight's test, I'm fucked. I bombed the last one, I'm sure I'll bomb this one. I am not looking forward to tonight.

Yesterday morning I took initiative and drove to the store and bought myself a box of cinnamon toast crunch cereal. I need to start eating breakfast. I am wasting away, and not eating 'til after 6pm isn't going to cut it anymore. Alright, I've decided my plan for the day. Get high, eat some cereal, lurk a little bit, get my study on, shower, study some more, then off to class to slit my wrists for three hours. Yay. So excited.

As of lately, I am surprised to say that Ariel and I are now...friends. She's no longer a bitch, which is cool. She still walks by and ignores us completely, but she doesn't cringe anymore when I touch her or run away from me like I'm contagious. A few nights this week actually she's come into my room and started crying. She comes down the hallway, sits outside my door and meows like a little bitch. So I'm like, "What, Ariel? Are you trying to get some lovin'?" and she jumped on my bed, and let me love her. She actually purred and was happy. Very awkward, but awesome. I told my dad and he couldn't believe it. But then last night, I went outside and saw her sitting on the bricks outside my window. I went over to her and she was crying, so I took her inside to my parents' room. I guess she injured her back leg, she cried a lot when I would touch it. She's still walking around though, like the tough bitch she is.

The past few days on facebook I've noticed a lot of statuses about a girl that goes to the high school I went to. I remember her clearly, she's dating one of my old friends from elementary school. All the statuses read, "Get well, Sydney!" but then they progressively starting getting worse. I read into it and found out that she had been hit by a car while walking to school, and she was in critical condition. I feel horrible, her family must be devastated. She was an adorable girl, really sweet. I never talked to her much, but I always thought she was a nice person. My friend that she's dating is one of the sweetest guys I know, so I knew she had to be a sweetheart, too. It bothers me that these kids on facebook were posting some of the things they were. I mean, yeah, it's really sweet that everyone's posting prayers and whatnot. But some were posting information about her condition that I feel just wasn't appropriate to write on facebook. I actually read one that said, "The rumors are true...her brain is too swollen and she's on her last twenty-four hours" - Why would you write that? That's none of your business. You can post your prayers and your get-well statements, but at least be respectful. I feel horrible, I still have a friend request from her on facebook in my requests. I know I'm not religious, so I can't say I'll pray, but I will wish and hope that she makes a recovery from this. It's things like this that make you realize how valuable your life truly is, and how fragile you are in this world.

I see you in line every day

I don't want to be awake. I want to sleep for hours and hours and hours, today, and tomorrow, and the next day...

Everyone's posting about voting on facebook and whatnot, like they're really excited. I already voted a few days ago and mailed it in instead. I'm just really annoyed with all this crap, I could care less about it. All these political propagandistic commercials are so poorly done. They say whatever they can about the opponent, when they should be focusing on their own issues and agenda. And I don't agree with anyone anyway, so I'm not going to be pleased with whoever it is that wins. But whoever does win, I sure hope it's not a democrat. I don't believe in the political parties, I'd rather listen to someone rant about government conspiracies. Anything that's not a political party, really, because it's all too skewed for me to agree with. Nothing matters in the end.

I had to drop Boots off this morning at the vet, he's going to get neutered. I feel so bad, he just discovered his manhood recently and now we're going to take it away from him. I just don't want to see him masturbating anymore, it's very awkward for me cause he'll be sitting right next to me. And plus I don't want him out at night running around with all the slutty cats. Supposedly getting your cat neutered is supposed to calm them down, so we'll see. I don't want him to lose his fun personality, I'm sure he won't. I have to pick him up tomorrow morning...he's going to hate me. They made me put him in a cage in a room with all these other crying cats, and he gave me this face that I can't get out of my head. He won't forgive me for this, I know it.

I miss him so much already. I don't want to go the whole day without seeing his adorable face.

I am pretty exhausted. I'm doing homework all the time when I'm in my room, so I tried avoiding it for a while. Then all my homework piled up again over the weekend since I neglected all responsibility due to halloween activities. Friday was so fun, Cassie and I had a blast in our costumes. It was cool walking around and hearing Wayne's World quotes all night. I got pretty drunk, that was fun. I haven't been that drunk in a while. We came back to my house and eventually I passed out. Saturday I drove to Cassie and hung out in that area with some friends. Didn't do anything on Sunday, except homework and being a bum. I was so tired I passed out around eight or nine. We barely had any trick-or-treaters, it was kind of sad. Our neighborhood was dark and quiet most of the time. So glad I got to sleep though, it was desperately needed. Woke up early Monday to write an essay, went to both my classes. Came home and had to complete an assignment before midnight, then I rushed to finish other assignments due today because I knew I wouldn't have the time (more like the energy) to finish it before class. I had to wake up so early today. Yes, 7:30 is early to me. To some others, not so much. I wish I could nap hella hard right now, but I have so much studying to do for two tests tomorrow. One is extremely important, it's for my art history class. I bombed the last one so this one is definitely important. And I still have homework that I should finish today. I'm so annoyed, a total slit-wrists moment. I can't wait for the semester to be over. Five or six weeks are left. Just waiting 'til I can wake up and not feel the burden of schoolwork hanging over my head.

The only thing I'm actually pleased with at this moment is the fact that I'm going to work enough hours this weekend to produce a mediocre check. The last few have certainly been too small, but if I'm correct, I should work somewhere around thirteen hours this weekend. And then a few more including this Thursday, I'm working the midnight showing for Due Date, Megamind, and For Colored Girls. That will be an interesting crowd, ha. And this check that I'm getting on Friday will be alright, it'll have the two shifts I worked two weekends ago on it. I need money, I'm constantly wringing my life out like a wet cloth. Every drip is still something. I'll take anything. I took all the change I've been collecting for the past few months, and got $27. I'm so desperate, maybe I should go to the mall and jack all the change at the bottom of the water fountains. I don't give a shit, I need cash. My sister's boyfriend bought my nikon D40, so there's some money I can sit on for a few days. It just sucks because basically all of that money I have to hand over immediately to my mom and my sister, because I owe them a lot. Money comes and goes so quickly.

I have the worst tummy ache right now. I always do after eating, so it's just a stupid, pointless cycle. My body hates me. I'm starting to hate me, too. Why can't I just be normal and healthy and eat food like everyone else!

I really miss my grandma, and I really miss Reggie. I think about them a lot.

My phone is giving up on me. It shuts off randomly way too often, and now I'm just over it. I ignore it and leave it, which obviously isn't the correct solution. But I just don't want to deal with it. I'll fix it eventually, when I actually have time to talk to my dad. I wish I saw him more lately, he's been so busy with work. It must suck to get called out at three in the morning for an emergency, a few nights a week sometimes. I don't want to grow up.

I've realized my social life has slowly died out again, but I'm too caught up in my own problems to notice. Besides school I have several personal conflicts that I'm consumed with, so I can't wait for school to end so I can take a deep breath and relax for a second.

I'm procrastinating in every aspect of my life. I'm serious, every single one. I feel like a robot, doing the same thing every day. Lately I have been void of any real emotion, and I'll admit I don't want to feel. I am exhausted. I just want to sleep. I'm sorry.

Every bone in my body melts when I hear this song.

scratch that last one

Taking a deep breath. Has anyone else noticed I have been the biggest drama queen lately?

My eyes would instantly water at the thought of it. That's pathetic. I was never this pathetic! I can't help but laugh, I wish I could erase all the silly things I've said over the past few weeks, and especially the past few days.

I have realized that my negative moods and spiteful thinking is not attractive. I am better off alone, I'm too crazy lately for anyone else to handle right now.

The only thing that still bothers me, is that telling someone how you truly feel is pointless. I am the only one who ever gave a shit to begin with, so I'm going back to my old ways and biting my lip, and refraining from spewing out all this awkward honesty to people who don't care.

I'm going to focus on myself from now on. Maybe start eating more, start working more, start working out more, start thinking more.

There are so many things I'd like to write, as usual. Just don't have the energy anymore to give a shit.

I just went and saw Jackass 3D by myself. and it was extremely enjoyable. I haven't laughed that hard in so long. I am feeling happy, and optimistic.

Tonight I'm going to Michael's house with Cassie for the party. It's going to be ridiculous, I love parties at his house. Cassie and I are dressing up as Wayne and Garth. I'm Garth, and this is gonna rule. Cassie wants me to get wasted. I also want me to get wasted.

I have a lot of things I would just love to forget, starting tonight. Happy early halloween!

it's simple

I figured it out. I have nothing figured out.

I'm just going to stay where I am and wait for everyone to come to me if they need me.

I hate everyone.

pretty percocet

My restless mind will be the death of me.

I'd rather sleep than remain lost in thought, but that's not going to happen tonight.

I'd like to

There were so many things I wanted to write in this post.

I wanted to possibly question, admit, critique, analyze, confess, hide and finally release things. Just things.

but I'm all choked up and I'm busy and I'm lazy and I'm self-destructive and I'm procrastinating in every aspect of my life, and I just don't care at this point.

-give it a rest.

quiver

Everything sucks right now. I am not happy.

I have no money. Work sucks. I need a new job. I'm struggling in a few classes, and I'm falling behind. I always have homework to do, so I'm always stressing. I'm losing sleep over things that matter and things that don't. I'm so tired and so stressed all the time. I'm hungry. I am so hungry. I rarely eat. I don't have an eating disorder, I could never do that. I just...don't eat. It isn't until night-time when I realize I haven't eaten a thing all day. My stomach is constantly yelling at me, but I tune it out. I wish I enjoyed food like I used to. Nothing looks good to me anymore. I've got other things to do and to worry about.

My phone's broken. It shuts off randomly when I'm texting, or actually just shuts off when it feels like it. Bummed. I wish I had a cool phone or something. Everyone's got those touch screen phones, they just look so expensive and annoying. I want a phone with a keypad, definitely.

Boots discovered how to hop the fence and get out into the front yard. Now I have to watch him every second, make sure he doesn't get outside. I can't watch him all the time, so I'm worried...I don't want him to start running around in the street. Ugh. I'm a worried mother, I just care about his safety.

Oh yeah...and to top it off, the doctors office totally just fucked me with bills. Supposedly I agreed to have all this testing done, because everyone knows the one thing I'd really love to do is pay three hundred dollars to my insurance company. what the fuck. I just keep getting fucked, over and over.

I just want to be alone.

absolutely pointless

I feel weird lately. I'm just really high. so I'm extremely thoughtful right now. ha.

I feel like a different person. It sounds stupid, but I really do feel different. I've become something I never thought I would be just a few years ago. I love who I am now though. and I don't like who I was then. I just wanted to write that. Makes me feel better.

One thing I like about the me now. I have fun. I'm really enjoying everything I do, it's funny. Everything is funny to me. I just feel nicer. I have a totally different perspective now, and it's entertaining to me. Like at this moment, I'm watching Boots run all over the mirror on the floor. He was being an asshole earlier and knocked over my mirror that I had leaned against my couch. It's like long and skinny sort of, like a rectangle. And yeah, he's running all over it, leaving cute paw-prints for me to see when I turn the lights on. He sees the kitty in the mirror. It's really funny. He's hilarious, I really love that cat. He makes me happy, when I feel like total shit. It keeps me level-headed. And I also enjoy the fact that I listen to Say Anything every minute I can. Whenever I'm near my computer, or every single time I'm in my car. I plug my ipod in and push play to return to my Say Anything shuffle. I have almost every song by them, I'm sure. There's so many on there. and even sometimes, I'll just sing really good choruses from my favorite songs by them. I'm so in love with max, it's funny. I just enjoy everything he says. I just saw them last night, and it was awesome. I went to the house of blues by myself to see them play with saves the day and motion city soundtrack. valencia opened, I had no idea who they were. And I didn't really like them when they played. really started killing my high. I was surprised motion city was headlining, I was totally expecting it to be saves the day or say anything. I've seen saves the day once before at bamboozle a few years ago, and it ruled. they were good this time, too. but I just felt a different vibe. then max came out next and I was so happy. first time seeing them, and it ruled. too many fatties where I was standing so I went to the back for the rest of the set. I don't give a shit about being close, the house of blues is small anyway. I'd rather watch him comfortably standing up somewhere in the back. watching him sing is fucking awesome. I had a lot of fun. I met a few cool people, and I even got asked for my number. I sat alone against a planter between sets and I probably looked really dumb. haha. Then I went home and hung out with a friend from work, we watched gangs of new york. I went to bed around 6 or something, oof.

But, I still dislike the things I do as the new me. I waste time. I waste so much time, it's ridiculous. I really procrastinate to the final minutes, I lounge around and just choose to forget. It's weird, I'm so lazy. I'm so apathetic to it. It's 2 in the morning. I just smoked way too much out of my bong (which I absolutely enjoy every second of. I know it just sounds so dumb but I'm just sitting, and being calm. Taking deep breaths, relieving myself of thoughts about important things at that very moment, enjoying the silence outside on my backporch. I just think of the weirdest shit. Weird stories. Nothing relevant to what's going on in my life. It's so funny to me.) And then when I'm done, I go back in the house and go back to all the important things going on. I'm retarded though, I have an essay to do right now. and shit to study for. and I smoked, and now I just want to do other things that I shouldn't write about. I'm wasting time. But I can't move, I'll just keep sitting here.

Another thing, I am constantly needing confirmation. I ask so many goddamn questions, and they usually repeat. A lot, actually. I'm constantly google'ing and checking and asking. It's driving me insane. I am a dictionary and thesaurus maniac. my brain literally hurts.

also, I am currently in a vicious battle with my cats. every few minutes I have to run out to the kitchen and break up jerry and boots going at it. I don't know which one's being the asshole and starting it but it's really annoying. I break them up, scare them away, and run back to my room. Start typing again and get really into it. Then I hear one of them cry like a little bitch, and I'm like ffffffffuuuu. Run out there, find one of them, scare him away or whatever. Turn off the lights again and run into my room and get comfy. Then do it all over. Giving me such a headache right now. I just want to pass out.

I'm exhausted. I'm so unhealthy. and that makes me really unhappy.

I don't see anything changing. I don't see anything getting better, or anything getting worse. I don't have any passion that would turn into a career. I don't know why I said that. I have passions. Sort of. My priorities are really fucked up.

Alright, I need to write this stupid essay. I just want to cry, I hate myself for doing this. Ughhhhhhh. I avoided this goddamn essay for a week. Right down to the very night of, and the day of I don't really have much time to write it anyway. Wait. I'm starting to think about it. I think I want to write it in the morning....instead of right now. I'll just sort of start it tonight, and then really finish it tomorrow. I feel relieved. Now I'm going to do other shit and stay up still. Great.

This was a really dumb post. I can't believe I wrote all this. I was way higher than I thought. Fuck. I wasted an hour. Hahaha. All I can do is laugh. This is funny to me.

But then when I'm not laughing, I feel bored. And lonely. And judgmental. Back and forth, push and pull.

I need sleep. I need food. My diet is fucking crazy. I don't really eat much. I go days waiting 'til midnight to eat. It's strange. I don't think I feel very good. I can't tell because I avoid thinking about it until I smoke. and then I can't tell if I'm just making up shit because I'm high, or if I actually feel like shit. Then I get really upset with myself.

I just feel weird lately.

Not every single day is like this, just so you know. I have good days. Where I eat and something good happens, and I'm in a good mood. and I actually do shit. I get responsible and stay productive. This is an off day for me. This is just one of those days.

Sitting on the floor of my room, contemplating my moods and my actions. Lights are off, but my room is still lit from the little sunshine that is left from the day. It's silent, except for the sound of my fan rocking back and forth against my ceiling. It doesn't bother me anymore; it's more comforting than anything. Just sitting here, bored. Apathetic, yet so pathetic. I open my eyes and see Boots standing in my doorway. He meows at me, and I ask him, "Are you lonely, too?" He meows again, walks over to me, crawls onto my lap and falls asleep.

In that exact moment, I am lost, but happy.

coming around

I'm still tired. When am I not?

I have a really bad stomach ache. I need to change my eating habits, there's been a few days where I don't eat at all or only eat just one thing. and that one thing is never healthy. I can feel my body slowly breaking down, again. I keep closing my eyes and avoiding it, this. All of it.

This past weekend was really fun, san francisco ruled. My legs and feet are so sore, we walked around a lot. Went to the zoo, visited cool streets and stores, ate a lot of pizza and a delicious panini sandwich, played four corners and smoked. Had a good time, like always in san francisco.

I have officially decided, I'm moving there. with ashley. It's going to happen. It'll take time, but it will happen. I really miss her, and I am going to drive to her really soon. I was going to last night, but that was ruined. I need our logical and hilarious conversations over a nice bowl of weed and a yummy bowl of broccoli cheddar soup. I know she's feeling shitty lately, as am I. I wish we could be crybabies together.

Last night unexpectedly got really shitty. It's a really long story, but it sucked. Got in a bad fight at home with my parents. I was right, they were wrong. That's all that matters.

I'm realizing what's important for me right now, and what I should be focused on. I've lit the fire under my ass to really motivate me into being productive again. I've let myself slip into this pathetic shell of procrastination and self-doubt. My head is all over the place. But I understand where it needs to be. I've had a few revelations lately. I just have to figure out how to fix myself, really.

Okay, enough thinking for the night. Time to get high out of my new beautiful bong and watch tv.

comforter

As of lately, I feel a little slow. Maybe I'm just getting lazy, but my need for conversation is dwindling down to nothing. I don't want to think, I don't want to exchange my thoughts and ideals with another. I'm too lazy to prove to anyone how intelligent or educated I am. The only things I feel truly educated on would be weed and true blood. and I'm being serious. I'm too lazy to care right now.

I just want to lay in bed and watch the rain slide down my window. I just want to cuddle with boots and feel the vibration of his purring against my skin. I just want to lay here, and not think about anything.

Bed. I love being in bed. It is my favorite place to be.

just a fraud, just having fun

I just got home a little bit ago from seeing the social network with my sister. It was so good, I absolutely loved it. And before seeing that movie, I had taken my mom to see let me in. that was also really good, scene for scene with the original.

I still have homework to do. I still have an annoying cough. I still wake up extremely moody lately. Big surprise.

I went to get my hair re-dyed today, and it turned out a dark brown, with the slightest hint of a red. I am happy with it, satisfied. Finally, ugh.

I am counting the days until max bemis serenades my ears from only a few feet away. and saves the day, fuck. I'm excited. Eleven days. I'm going alone, and I don't care.

Intentional or not, it has really gotten under my skin. I'm giving it a few days, but I don't expect anything new.

Wait until the last moment to speak your mind. I'm waiting.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

slow down

I'm feeling better. I just wanted to write that.

I smell optimism, possibly. The past few days have been exhausting and stressful, but now that they have passed...I can breathe. I need to stop stressing so much. I'm going to have a heart attack.

I'm always asking questions. They're all I think of. What if, what if, what if.

It is officially october, and I'm going to be positive and smile. Last halloween was boring. I stayed home with kyle, and the year before that, I spent crying in the dark room of a house at a party, because of kyle. I hope this one is enjoyable. goddamnit, please, let it be enjoyable. I always have a shitty time on halloween. It is a horrible pattern that I really want to break.

Lost my car for a few days, but I have money again. It is such a relief.

I'm struggling with some school issues right now, but I'm figuring it out. I bombed the essay part of the art history test, but hopefully I did alright on the short answers and other questions. It's over, so I'm avoiding thinking about it. if I don't think about it, it didn't happen.

I like forgetting things. it makes it easier for me.

I'm counting the days 'til I see max bemis sing, I'm so excited. and I'm going to san francisco for a couple of days with josh. that's going to be fun, I love that place. I hope it's not so chilly this time, oof.

I wonder if I'll get to sleep in today. I can't remember the last time I slept in. it was definitely before school started. Fuck. being busy is so tiring, I just want to lay around for a few weeks to recover.

I need sleep. I need sleep. I need sleep.

woe

At this exact moment, I feel really shitty.

I don't understand why I constantly put myself down, because I'm always feeling like shit. and I make it worse. and everyone else makes it worse. and it's a continuous spiral. up and down, in and out. I'm such a baby.

I got my hair done. it doesn't matter what I do to it, because I will always hate it. I never make plans to go out on the same day I get my hair done, because I always spend the rest of the night crying into my pillow. which I plan on doing tonight. I've already started.

I really hate the weather right now. it's supposed to be fall, and it's like a hundred degrees outside. it's september, it's not summer anymore. get the fuck out of here, sun.

I have so much studying to do for my test tomorrow in art history. and I need to study for the quiz tomorrow in my computer information systems class. my mom wanted me to take her to a movie, but we got into a huge fight. so now I'm in my room with the door closed, and I'll probably stay in here all night. I don't mind, I just want to lay down and fall apart quietly.

I woke up crying because of this weird dream. it was so elaborate and insane. in my dream, I was sobbing a lot. I had lost these two books I was holding on to. they meant everything to me, and I was devastated when I lost them. there were other reasons I was crying, but I can't recall. but I do remember, kyle was in my dream, and he was bothering me. I was trying to get away from him, and I just kept crying and crying. I forget what the story was, but it wasn't a good dream. obviously.

I wish I could take back every dollar I ever spent on kyle. way too many, that's for fucking sure. what a waste of money. and what a waste of time.

Money. another reason I've been crying lately. I'm fucked, I don't really have anything. thinking about money makes me physically ill right now. work blows, one day a week is bullshit. I'm applying for new places, new faces. I'm tired of borrowing and stealing.

I'm just really fucking tired. all the time. being a crybaby is exhausting.

manta ray

I can't wait for the day I sleep more than six hours. it's usually six or less. I'm always a zombie, but you don't care.

I smell onions, still. let me explain - I went to subway to get my dad and I a sandwich to split. get home, get high, go back in the kitchen and quickly grab my side of the sandwich. or so I thought. I take an enormous bite, and immediately my taste-buds start screaming in agony. onions. I was too high to realize and too late to do anything. it was over. I brushed my teeth repeatedly, I chewed gum. still reeks. I went to english class feeling extremely paranoid of the awful scent. I could taste it still, swishing around in my mouth. it's the worst. onions are awful.

Ashley came down for the weekend, that made me happy. on thursday, we headed to the honda center to see muse, for free. we park and then proceed to smoke several bowls. we were excited. we have a tendency to get really clumsy when we smoke, especially together. I go to hand her the lighter and it slips/flies out of my hand in the direction towards the floor. I lean over and stick my head under there, and she scoots back her chair and we can't stop laughing. I think we were looking for that goddamn lighter for like ten minutes. my head was between her legs and we were just grasping around, in the dark. of course her car doesn't have any lights in it. finally we give up, and I look down and say, "Oh, is this it?" it was just sitting right by my foot. that was hilarious to us. we finish smoking, eat our edibles and head inside. we're way too high by the time we find our seats. everything from then on is kind of a blur. muse put on a really good show, everything ruled. we had really good seats, holy shit. matt bellamy is such a babe. the show ends, our ears are buzzing, our mouths too dry. we walk out into the parking lot, only to realize - we have no idea where we parked. and the parking lot wraps around the whole building. we walked around for an hour, I think. finally we found it, then got sort of lost again on the way home. it's like dumb and dumber, I enjoy it too much.

On sunday, we leave to san diego a little after four. we arrive at the college a little before six, not bad at all. but then we get lost around in the college, because it's really confusing. it's like a mini-universe. we were so lost walking around. finally we find the right parking structure, so we smoke and head into the arena. it was a smaller show than I was expecting, but who's complaining. the pixies were awesome, they sounded great. I never thought I'd see the pixies, so that's fucking cool.

I don't really have that much money. I'm trying not to think about it. because every time I do, my heart beats faster and I feel worse.

I guess I have a lot more to say, but I don't have the energy now. I lost it, I'm over it.

synonyms

But I could read a book a night before this year

and I knew every word, their definitions clear

But now in stealth, I check thesaurus - it's become my guilty mistress

lights are flashing, cars are crashing

I ask a lot of questions, to put it simply.

I know it's annoying to those I ask, but I have to. I'm not too forgetful, my memory is still intact. I just need confirmation. I know others find it sad that I can't complete an application on my own. or that I force my mom to sniff and drink the milk before I do. or that I bite both sides of the bagel to decide which one I want to save for last. or that I constantly google words and phrases because I want to make sure they're logical and correct. I can't even do a load of laundry by myself without calling someone or begging them to come into the garage and show me, even though they have millions of times before. I do all these annoying things, but you don't understand - it annoys me, too.

Anxiety floods my body, I overanalyze and read too much into things. I constantly worry, and I am almost always uneasy. I can't help it. I need someone to assure me, I need the validity. I'm not stupid, I understand the questions I'm asking you. and they may appear redundant, or pointless. I just want to hear you say it again.

While writing this post, I googled seven times to confirm thoughts and words. Trust me, I know. it's sad.

at the end of my rope

I worked tonight. My arms are so sore, I actually worked. and now I'm exhausted. I'm so weak lately, it's such a bummer. I'm still sick, I've been sick forever now.

I can't stop listening to say anything. I just can't. I have all these phases, and now I only want to hear max bemis sing to me. a few weeks ago, I couldn't stop listening to bright eyes. I just really enjoy max bemis and conor oberst's lyrics. I love the way they intricately tell stories, I get so hooked. conor's raw voice singing about his drug problems, hate and love life gives me chills. and listening to max's broken heart sing about drugs and his bipolar disorder is just addicting. I love music. I enjoy doing absolutely nothing and listening to my favorite songs.

I just smoked to do homework and to cure my headache, but now I'm thinking of doing other things. I'll be up late, I know it.

I need to stop procrastinating as much as I do. I rarely sleep, I am easily woken up by the smallest noise. and boots wakes me up early every morning, every hour. I take naps here and there. I'm up all night finishing homework for class the next day, or coming home late from driving to different cities. I was only scheduled one day a week, that was sad. applying for new jobs, definitely. I need money, bad. my moods are up and down. I'm so damn tired all the time, it gets difficult to stay positive sometimes. I have all these ideas and dreams, but I lack the skill to even come close.

I'm just so damn busy lately. I never used to be busy. I was always available, always here, in my room. just passing the time. and now, I'm here and there. I'm all over. I'm busy. it's just weird. and tiring. and sometimes annoying. and stressful. and confusing.

but I'm also very happy. I find comfort laying in bed with someone, entwining our fingers over and over. talking in my car, enjoying the noise along with every silent moment.

My mind is all over the place lately. A lot of things are happening. I just need to slow down. breathe. sleep. think. I'm struggling with this, but I'm figuring shit out.

Sort of. I keep closing my eyes, and drifting off into warped states of mind. I didn't mean for things to get twisted. I'm stuck.

weep little lion man

I didn't plan on staying up this late, I was ready to fall asleep and follow my mind somewhere other than this cluttered reality of mine.

Every bone in my body, I feel it. I don't care. I really don't care.

The song is a beautiful song.

I don't care how you feel about it. I don't care how you feel about anything.

Weep for yourself, my man -

you'll never be what is in your heart.

so well, so well, so well rehearsed

Mondays are so exhausting. I'm finally laying in bed, doing nothing. it's really my favorite thing to do. jerry is with me, and he's happy. I locked boots out of my room, and I can hear him crying every so often. I feel like the more he cries, the happier jerry gets. the more boots whines, the more jerry drools. I have to keep jerry happy, he is the main man in my life. I have to let him know, boots will not replace him.

I'm going to turn into that crazy cat lady. but I don't care, I love cats. I just love 'em.

^ I wrote this earlier at 9:47. I got high and completely forgot about this post. eesh.

I had my visual communications class at three, which is really almost two hours of confusion. today was funny, because I was still high from earlier when I went. it was a weird time because the teacher read my thread from the discussion board introducing ourselves, which read,

"My name is Kendall Hebert. This is my first semester at Cypress, and I have no idea what I want to major in. I spend a lot of time with my cats, I work at a movie theatre, and I enjoy photography. See ya guys on Monday."

People laughed as the teacher kept asking, "What does this tell you about kendall? She likes spending time with her cats, okay..." and it was like we were deciphering a code or something. and he pulled up my assignment and people were saying what the images say about me. and then I got asked out after class. I don't know. everything was weird.

I'm too high to sit here and stare at this damn screen. it's burning my eyes.

I don't know what's going on anymore. I think I'm fixing it, I think I have things under control. I think.

with heat to melt these frozen tears

I was thinking.. I love my dad. I love who he is. I heard him yelling earlier during a football game, and he just makes me laugh. and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I know he's been through a lot and now that I'm older I understand him so much more. He's the funniest person I know.

Okay. just wanted to write it.

also, the true blood finale wasn't as good as I thought it would be. it was great, as usual. but I was so hyped up that by the time I watched it, it was just a little bit of a letdown. I am extremely happy about eric northman though. he is alive and well, and I am fucking happy. I have to wait a whole year for the next season of true blood though. what the hell am I going to do with myself? I'm going to buy the seasons and watch it over and over. and I'm being serious.

tomorrow's school. I'm exhausted. I don't really feel that much better, but I'm not as negative. I'm just so damn tired lately. I worked last night, which was a little painful because of my foot. I didn't realize until tonight that my blood blister turned into a blood bubble. it was just a big, black squishy bubble. so I popped it, and I think I lost a lot of blood. eesh.

I looked down at it right now and realized it had already filled back up with blood. it was another blood bubble. jesus christ. I'm scared to sleep in my white sheets tonight. that would really suck.

okay, I'm getting a headache. going back outside to smoke and cure myself.

fuck. I just realized I have a lot of english homework to do before 6:30 tomorrow.

now I'm pissed again.

why why why

So, everything went from great to shitty.

I started feeling sick a few days ago, and it's gotten worse. I woke up this morning feeling so groggy and numb, my mom even told me I looked like shit.

I went to the doctors yesterday, which is never a pleasant trip. you're supposed to leave feeling better, or at least a little better. I leave feeling shittier than I did walking in there. great, more things wrong with me. they still don't know what it is. I'm almost this, I'm almost that. so close. so close to crying, all the time.

I almost got in trouble with cops the other night, but I got out of that one. phew.

also, earlier today I was washing out the litter box with the hose out front. I was barefoot, like always. I felt this pain on the bottom of my foot, but I had just smoked so I didn't really feel much, and tried to ignore it. then it really started hurting, so I looked and saw blood. sat down, looked real hard, and realize it's a piece of glass lodged in there. fucking great. had to get tweezers and pull it out. even the same foot as my smashed toe. perfect, just perfect!

and today I find out my mom deleted last night's big brother. that sucks.

and I'm also dealing with a personal conflict, it's really frustrating.

I've been in bed all day yesterday and today. beds are the best. such comfort. I like to hide in my bed. all my flaws and moods and negativity is fostered underneath the comfort of my sheets. I try to turn all this negativity into positivity. all of a sudden, it's difficult. I don't see any way out of this.

Everything sucks. why me?

Why is it always "this or that"? Why can't I just settle in between?

Why is it when I reach happiness, that I lose it almost immediately?

I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier

I'm not running on much sleep, I was up all night. different reasons, different moods. sitting on top of my washing machine in the garage at five in the morning.

too little, too much, too late.

I guess today just wasn't a good day. and I'm just not happy right now.

I wish I could write down how I feel, but I just feel...empty. I'm tired of thinking, my head hurts. I've been putting things off, and eventually I couldn't avoid them anymore. I don't know. I just thought I had everything figured out, and I guess I didn't.

Either way, you lose. Either way, I lose.

stuttering sentences

I am exhausted. yesterday I went to fuck yeah fest, and died. a few times. waiting in the heat outside in LA at two in the afternoon, high as shit, complete cotton mouth. it killed me. but then we got inside and things got better. we ate, got high, sat for a while. enjoyed the hipsters and music. 'twas fun. cassie and I were so fucking excited for dead man's bones. it still gets me excited just thinking about it. I saw ryan gosling, so close...fuck. that band. his voice. his face. what a dreeeaaaaam.

I smashed my toe in the door a few days ago. that fucking sucked. it was right after I had smoked, and gotten way too high. I don't know why I closed the door as hard as I did, but I really swung that shit. I was pretty numb so I waited a while, and eventually the pain hit me. I always hurt my goddamn feet, it sucks. I've had rocks and wood stuck all the way through the inside of my toenail, I've had my foot ran over and the skin on my heel ripped off, almost every time I hit my foot on something I basically rip a toenail off, I've tripped and tore off the skin on my big toe from nails in the floor, etc etc etc. I'm a magnet to this kind of crap, I hate it.

so today I decided to lay in bed all day. I've been pretty successful. I've been in the living room a few times, watched tv, ate a few donuts, a bagel. I am so tired. I'm just sore and drained, just want to continue to lay in bed. been getting high and lounging around.

earlier I had smoked enough to chill for a few hours, and as I'm walking to my room to get comfy, my mom calls me into her room to help her with something. she asks me to bring my laptop. from there she proceeds to ask me questions to type into google. I couldn't breathe from how hard I was laughing. she was taking some sort of test, and these were some of the questions.

"who named time as the fourth dimension", "are electronic watches able to serve as game boards", "are electronic watches able to encode captions", "why are there seven days of the week", "what is a nanosecond", "is the evolution of time keeping related to basket weaving" (the fuck?), "what are patterns of activity for plants and animals referred to as", "why is december called december", "is time one of the world's deepest mysteries", "is white chocolate pure chocolate", "what is the name of bermuda's daily newspaper", and "how many time zones are there" .... what the hell kind of test is that?

I am so tired. I think I just might fall asleep soon. today was nice because I was a bum all day, but it also sucked because I spent an hour sobbing in my pillows. we'll see how this plays out. I have homework to do tomorrow. I need to go to petsmart. I'm hanging with ashley and going to panera bread. panera bread heals all wounds.

shit was crazy

It's 2 in the afternoon, and I just woke up from a really ridiculous dream. in the beginning part of it, I was with ashley and we were around the block somewhere, at like three in the morning. there was a bunch of asian guys that were really into photography I guess and we were all hanging out. I don't know, it was strange. but then it turned into like a party in the street, and the cops were bound to come, so ashley and I walked back to my house. walking down my street, my dad's truck is parked in the street, and I see my mom in there. she's listening to journey I think, and it was really loud. and she got out and we started talking and we walked back to the house.

my dream was interrupted by my sister and mom yelling at each other right outside my door. eventually fell back asleep. from there, I had faked being crazy to get a card to be able to enter some sort of sane asylum for birth control. yeah, I guess they give free birth control. I had brought cassie with me, and we ran around the halls and were being followed by a bunch of crazy people. we run into one room, where a bunch of crazies were sitting around, almost like a group meeting. this one guy leaning against the wall had started smoking a cigarette and was like, "I'm terry, and I quit smoking a year ago!" and all the crazies were going crazy. cassie had walked out because she wanted to go do something else, then all of a sudden ashley was next to me. so we were sitting there watching all these people say the funniest shit, and we were having a good time. I look over to my left and I see our friend abe from work, and I ask ashley, "is that abe!?" and she says, "yeah, he brought his girlfriend." and we laughed about it. then I saw another friend from work, michael cruz, who was talking to the instructor of the group, which happened to be james frain, franklin from true blood. I fucking freaked out and got super excited, and ran over to talk to him. I was like "hi franklin!! haha, I swear I'm not crazy" and he was like "you're not? oh that's interesting", but I don't know if he cared. I was trying really hard to talk to him, and I asked him for a picture, and he took one with me. I was holding him like we had just gotten married. our conversation was awkward and his accent was so hot. but he thought I was crazy so he eventually left. what the hell.

my dreams lately are fucking weird. I need to stop smoking before bed.

some sad singers, they just play tragic

I feel so exhausted. every bone in my body aches right now.

I am being overdramatic. but seriously. I'm dead.

I passed out at four in the morning. woke up to boots crying to get out of my room at 6:30 cause he heard my dad in the kitchen. kicked him out, fell asleep. dad puts boots back in my room at seven, he cries some more. fall asleep. wake up to my annoying ass alarm clock at 8:30. start studying chapter one for my computer information system class. pass out for another hour. wake up at 9:30, study some more. get ready for class, leave at 10:27. search aimlessly for parking for twenty minutes. start walking to class and get stopped by some southern fat chick who wants me to give my card information for cheap hair shit. yeah no thanks. ten minutes later I squeeze out real fast and rush to class. sit in my assigned seat, which is number 69. not kidding. review chapter one real fast, then head to the computer lab to take the quiz. scored a 48 out of 60. still can't remember how to figure out what letter grade that would be, and too lazy to google it. left and got in my car, drove to the theatre and picked up my check from last friday. $235...yes please. drive to the atm, realize I don't have my card. drive home, run in and grab it, drive back to the atm. deposit it into my account. withdrawal $20. head over to quizno's to celebrate, buy two large sandwiches for me and my sis. head home, smoke, eat, watch the soap. did a load of laundry myself, which was actually hard. I don't like it. I wanted to nap but I had homework still for my class at 6. read the assigned twenty pages of my art history book, wrote the response to the study question. re-curled my hair. drove back over to school, got another shitty parking spot, but not as bad this time. waited around for fifteen minutes outside the classroom door. teacher came, sat down. learned a shitload of information again, this teacher rules. fell asleep for a little though, then had a spasm attack and woke myself up and embarrassed myself, I'm sure. got assigned to repaint the ghent altarpiece but with tiger woods. stoked. rush out of class, head over to pick up some weed. smoke, head home. rush in the door, tell my mom I'm leaving again, because I had a date with josh. she yells, "No, you're staying home! that goddamn cat has been bothering us all night and ariel's spraying now. you have to stay home and watch him or take him with you, but don't leave him with me." I'm super bummed, have to tell josh. boots is running around and going apeshit, bothering the other cats and my parents. lock him in my room with me where he immediately passes out. video chat with ashley, lurk on facebook for a bit. clean my room a little, but I got too lazy. then my mom came in my room and sat on my bed and we talked about art, how much I'm really interested in it and how my great uncle is a totally famous painter. an hour goes by and we're still talking about really cool shit. it was a really sweet talk. I smoked outside, then she joined me. we started watching big brother, so I wanted to eat something. made an easymac, shit was delicious. decided I was still hungry and searched for dessert. I spotted these oatmeal cookies in an unopened package. I've been fighting myself not to eat them for the past month because they've been sitting there, and I thought they were my dad's, because he's the only person who really eats cookies in this house. so I tell my mom and she says, "Oh, they're not his cookies, I bought those and no one's even touched them, I was gonna throw them out." the angels sing and I do a happy dance. pour a glass of milk, grab the whole package of cookies, sit on the couch and nomnomnom 'til I can't nom anymore. boots sits next to me and starts making the weirdest face, where his eyes were like squinted and droopy. I realize he's taking a piss right there on the leather couch. I kick him off and my mom gets pissed and I can't help but laugh. then I think about it and realize we need new kitty litter, so I need to go to the store tomorrow, definitely. boots is still going crazy at this point, running around, jumping off walls and being a ninja. my mom and I are watching big brother and all of a sudden the tv turns off. boots is playing behind it with all the cords and he unplugged something. I have to squeeze behind the tv and sit there and fuck with all these goddamn cords and kick him away at the same time cause he keeps trying to play and grab them and I'm looking and looking, and finally see where the cord goes. fix the issue, squeeze back out of there. finish watching the episode. grab boots and head to my room, close the door. get in bed. facebook lurk, blog. you are here.

discussing art with my mom really pushed me into considering pursuing something in that realm. I wish I was talented with my hands, I have so much I'd like to just...let go. it's what I've always wanted, but it was always so hard for me to say. speaking verbally, I choke up and become reserved, which is unfortunate because all I have are thoughts and ideas. I know how intelligent I am and it bothers me that it can't expand past my tongue. I can't express my thoughts verbally like I wish I could. it's easy for me to sit here at my computer and open up completely and let my fingers run wild, because there are no barriers here. the idea of a backspace button really pleases me.

I do talk a lot but my sentences are coated with occasional sarcasm or I'm spewing satirical comments directed at you or someone close by. or, I am comfortable with you, which means I'm having a good time. and that's with my friends. I love my friends. I really do. I've realized that lately. I used to not have any friends, and now, I've come to realize all the ones I care about, are here. they're close enough. and we get high. and we eat. and we drive around. and we go bowling. and we go to shows. and we play beer pong. and we get drunk. and we have funny conversations online. and we listen to good tunes, and have good times. I'm just having good times lately. I've moved on to individualism. I'm feeling good.

I'm scheduled at 10 tonight for the midnight showings of going the distance, machete, and the american. bleh. then on friday I'm picking josh up from work, smoking, and eating pizza. fuck yeah. saturday, I'm calling in to work and going to fuck yeah fest with ryan and kevin, I believe. work sunday 1-6. no school on monday, ashley's coming down. getting high, going to panera bread. yada yada yada. life continues on, etc.

true blood isn't on this sunday. they're skipping a week for the last episode. the last one. I can't handle that. it can't be over. a whole year...without true blood? I don't think I can make it. I'm just going to watch the first three seasons over and over 'til it's on again. /wrists all day.

I know people say smoking weed makes you lazy...and they're right. it totally does. I can be very fucking lazy. but it's not like I wasn't already. and it's not like I don't enjoy it. I'd be a homebody all day every day, if I didn't feel so pressured by society to be so...productive. I love laying around all day. I love sleeping. I love doing nothing. the thing is - when I get that gust of energy that tells me, "Hey, you should get your ass up and be productive today. clean your room, take a shower, hang out with your friends. go do shit." - I really do go do shit. I get up, and I go out. and I come home late, and I pass out late. and it starts all over again.

it's fucking 3:30 in the morning. why do I always do this to myself? I don't know.

my eyeballs are on fire. they really are. I think I'll pass out now.