like a scratch across the lens

I didn't really accomplish anything this weekend. I have things to do for school, it's over in two weeks. I am too lazy. I attempted to clean out my closet, but I am failing miserably. I'm a hoarder and a procrastinator, and definitely a whiner. I can't help it.

I'm feeling nostalgic. when am I not. my sense of loneliness sparks conversation with you and it brings me back. the scent still lingers, and your witty remarks are dearly missed. I am in dire need of your friendship.

I need to organize my life, ha.

sometimes, sometimes

Did you really think deceit would make an honest lover

of the one that you seek, but always push farther?

dharma initiative

I am high as shit right now, and I am waiting up for my cat. I sort of need him to fall asleep lately. I just love him curled up in my arms, he makes me so happy. ..I know I'm gonna be a crazy cat lady. whatevs.

this weekend was quite fun. I worked friday for a few hours, came home and helped set up for my sister's graduation party we were having saturday. smoked a bowl and passed out. saturday morning we go to brit's graduation at cal state fullerton's stadium. it was cool seeing her do all that, I'm happy for her. we head home and a bunch of family comes over, and then brit's friends. lots of alcohol. happy me. there were jello shots of all sorts of alcohol, lots of beer. we played fourbanger and flip cup. and I smoked with some of her friends. I was pretty much stoned/sorta drunk all day. passed out in my room. worked today at 12, only a few hours. so I'm fine with this weekend, it was better than the past few.

I can't even remember if I had any homework. and I really don't care. oof, I hope I don't have on-campus-suspension tomorrow. I hate detentions. they're stupid. I just watch how immature the ninth/tenth graders are in there when I have detention now. they're so defiant and retarded. I just wanna slap some sense into them. it's just high school, cool your jets and calm down, and shut up when the teacher tells you to shut the fuck up.

I still miss it. it still plays over and over in my mind. I still reach out for it. I still cry over it sometimes. I still dream about it every so often. I still want it. I still need it.

I still hate it.

my mood hasn't changed really, I'm still a moody fuck. I just keep getting high and listening to music. I'm imagining all the ways I'm gonna better myself in the next few weeks, but I'm definitely lacking the energy to start.

the lost finale was on tonight. I'm so bummed it's over, dude. all these years invested in this show, and it's over? what the fuck. say it ain't so. I'm gonna rewatch it all over again. such a good show. rip lost.

alright, it's fucking two. goddamnit. jerry's not back yet and I'm getting worried. I'll try to fall asleep.

you are such a tease, and sort of fucking with my head. don't know how to explain it. I'm entertained by all of this, I guess that's why I still bite my lip and imagine things. I wonder if you even know it.

goodnight.

now it's so complicated

and you say that I hurt you, in a voice like a prayer

yeah, you say that I've hurt you, and your voice is like a prayer

yeah, well maybe I hurt you sometimes

let's contrast and compare

lift up your shirt - the wound isn't there

elephant ears

I just feel really empty lately. I've realized I really don't like what I've become. I am needy and selfish. I make myself vulnerable and I leave myself open to people who will never give a shit about me. so I use them before they use me. and I leave faster than they can leave me. because I know how this game works. you're in, you're out. and I just want to stop and crawl under my blankets, and fall asleep. and act like these things never happen.

and if I could see you right now, I would. as much as I feel this ache in my stomach that keeps me away from you, there's something in my heart that is pushing me towards you. I know you'd understand. I don't need you...I just miss you. I miss it. it gets me every so often. I miss the feeling of having one person to run to for your every need. it's been too long, I can't even remember what it feels like. caring about someone so much, every thought revolves around them. every action comes back to them. I don't even want to remember. because if I feel it again..the moment I lose it again, I will break.

is it weird that I want to hold a person I've never met? I don't know what it is, but I am drawn to them, in the oddest way. I enjoy the conversations and the laughs, and I enjoy the company, through the screen of my phone. maybe it's better that I never meet him. I feel like I'll fuck it up, and this is the last friendship with the opposite sex, or whatever this is, that I feel completely comfortable with. I guess this is one of those "I wish you lived closer" kind of moments.

I've decided I want to be alone. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want to go on a date. I don't want to fuck. I don't want anything. I don't even feel attracted to people anymore. any sexual act or physical contact with another just makes my stomach ache, I don't feel much anymore.

I'd rather be alone with myself, than feeling alone with everyone else. if that makes any sense.

all I need is weed, and brand new. they get me by, they keep me company. they're my best friend right now. I am so happy when I'm high, and listening to jesse lacey. a better state of mind. smile.

I haven't slept much. I stay up too late, reading and weeping.

I am flawed. and it makes my body ache.

twisted up by knaves

I am on the mend

at least now I can say that I am trying

and I hope you will forget things I still lack

choked up

I feel like I'm full of thoughts and words, yet I never have the guts to express them.

I hate knowing how restrained I am. limits surround me and it's getting old.

I need to write an essay right now, but I am too high and too out of it. my whole body feels heavy and I literally feel the weight on my shoulders. I was going through my drawers and I found one of your t-shirts. I lifted it to my face and took a deep breath, and memories flooded my mind. the scent is flooding my veins, and it's all I feel. I hold it so close to me. all I see is holes, rips and curls. I can't describe it. only I will understand, and that's what bothers me the most. what I would give to run my fingers through your hair right now. I am full of nostalgia.

I put off all that is important so my mind can wander into odd and distant places. I explore and define what I believe in, what I need. I'm reading books with old pages, crisp and frail. a turn of a page can remind me of you, too. it's too easy.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I ache for familiarity. you have no idea how I feel right now.

mother's day

I'm in a really bad mood.

and of course it's on mother's day.

and this post will be a big rant.

all these mixed feelings have been building up inside of me, and they have finally pushed their way out. and now I just feel angry at everyone. ha.

I just want to cry. I cried last night and relief just washed over me. it felt so ridiculously good. it was one of those moments where you wish someone would hold you. but I don't have anyone. so that sucked.

today was mother's day. I slept in 'til one, and my mom woke me up and told me we're going out to eat. we went to chili's, and I drove us there. my dad is the worst backseat driver, and it was really pissing me off. and when I was parking he was just yelling at me, so eventually I just cracked and started fighting with them. I know I was being childish, but I kept saying that I didn't want to go in and eat with them, because at that point I didn't want to be around them. we got in a big fight in the parking lot. I knew I looked like a little asshole, but I didn't care. finally I came in, and I was just biting my lip and holding back from crying. it was just one of those days. eventually I felt better, and we all were being nice together. I was happy my sister was there. I had work at 4:30, and it was fucking busy. nothing was stocked, the floors were all wet so I was constantly sliding and almost eating shit. everything was a mess, I was so pissed. and customers were being dicks. ashley and I were so upset, ha. we were gonna be the first people sent home early, and right when we get back from our lunch, they only send me home. I felt so bad, ashley was just as mad as me. I'm happy to be home and in my bed with my cat. I just want to scream at everyone.

I need to pick up again. I need to smoke. I need it. I miss it. and it's only been a day. I'm so much happier when I'm high. but the sober me hates the high me sometimes. but if I had to choose...I'd choose the high me. cause I like to mind-fuck myself into a state of oblivion to the point where everything seems just fine. it's so much better that way.

I hate rude customers.

I hate boys.

I hate not having weed.

I hate my parents when they attack me.

I hate bad kissers.

I hate rude drivers.

I hate my managers lately.

I hate how slow school feels lately.

I hate feeling used.

I hate being used.

I hate ex-boyfriends.

I hate ex-girlfriends.

I hate people.

I hate how slow time passes.

I hate this lonely feeling.

I feel so lonely.

and I love my cat.

my secrets for a buck

I don't know where my head is at lately.

I feel so out of it today. it only took a few days to put me back in my place, to make me realize that I am too picky, too jealous and too damn judgmental to be happy these days. I wish I could clearly express all my emotions and ideas, but I can't. and it's seriously killing me.

I am just so goddamn lonely. I'll say it. I'll admit it. I'm fucking lonely. I just want someone to hold my hand, to kiss me on the forehead. to find me adorable and love all my ridiculous flaws. I want someone to tell me how much I mean to them. or to just make me smile, I just want to laugh with someone. I want to feel genuine. I want to be able to sit beside someone and embrace the silent moments, because they're comfortable. I don't know why I ache so much lately. I ache for familiarity. my stomach turns when I think of it. you are just a symbol to what I need. I miss the idea of it. I want to get physical, I want to feel the comfort of someone under my sheets, entwined with me. I want to kiss someone's shoulders and feel the warmth of their hands on my skin. I don't care how this sounds, to be honest. I'm just lonely. I miss feeling satisfied, and content with all that surrounds me. the only times I ever felt that way was with my boyfriend of a year and half, when we were laying in my bed. the warmth of another's skin against yours is so genuine and honest to me. I feel trust, I feel safe. I feel. I miss feeling, that's all.

I miss kyle. I do. I miss the moments when it was just me and him. when all the other factors of our relationship would disappear, in the moments where we'd be under my covers, entangled in one another. that's when I felt most happiest, my whole body was filled with joy and contentment. I would honestly forget about everything else, and only feel him next to me. those are the moments I miss, that I need.

there are only a few people I can think of that I felt anything remotely close to this emotion I long for. and I can't have them. number one is just a memory, that I know I can't go back to; and although I think about it often, I am better off without him. number two is so busy, he'll never have the time for me, and to be honest I don't think he'd ever want to make the time. number three is childish and ignorant, with the craziest ex-girlfriend, and he'll never appreciate me for what I am. it's really annoying.

and all the flings I've had along the way, something was always missing. and it's nothing to cry about. I am too young to worry about these sorts of things. I just miss having a best friend, that I could be completely myself in front of. whether it was in public, or if I was stripped of all items of clothing. I want to feel close. I want to feel.

I want to feel something.

and that's not always a good thing. sometimes I become too eager and too impulsive, and my hands wander into places I'd rather they wouldn't. they are anxious and curious, they twitch and reach out for a sense of comfort. I wish I could control myself sometimes.

"these false starts, these small meals...they're for my starving hands."

after what happened, I just feel stupid. I shouldn't let my impulsive tendencies get the best of me. I know you felt it, too. but that doesn't mean shit, I guess. just act like it never happened.

I don't know why this blog turned out to appear so depressing. I don't feel depressed. I just feel deprived. a bit misguided. but more lonely than anything.

I haven't slept much. today I finally fell asleep and felt comfort. I was high and passed out watching freaks and geeks. I was pleasantly happy. but I woke up and felt out of place and uncomfortable. I hate the feeling after a nap, I am too warm and I feel like I have a fever. it sucks.

I listened to 'limousine' and I cried. I haven't cried in a while, I think. it was odd. brand new always breaks me down, but it feels so good. and it reminds me of you. how could it not.

I want it to get warm out, and stay warm. not summer hot, just warm enough to wear a dress and not get chills. I just want to fall asleep, and wake up in june. I need the smell of summer, I need it's noises in my ears.

I guess that's it.

yes yes yes

take me back to summer of '08 please

take me back to summer of '08 please

take me back to summer of '08 please

take me back to summer of '08 please

do it like we used to

Seemed like a good time to write some thoughts.

I've got a toothache and I am sore all over. went to the gym tonight with topher, and actually worked out. I ache all over, fuck. I was already sore, so walking is quite painful. I'm trying to start going to the gym way more often, I need to. why the hell not, ya know.

I worked today in box office, that was fun. at first I was scared of the registers but after I got used to it, I totally enjoyed it. all we did was talk dirty and play 'your team, my team'. I opened yesterday, too, in concessions. after working box, I realize that I wanna stay in box. way easier.

the show on wednesday was absolutely great. sheilahn and julian came n' picked me up, and we headed to the block. smoked a few bowls and wasted time around the stores, then went inside lucky strike to wait for the show. realized we had more time to waste, so we left to the car, took a quick trip to pick up some beer, headed back to the parking lot, played some drinking games and smoked some more. we played the sentence game, which was hilarious. the sentences actually sounded pretty sweet. "nostrils can sense foreign objects from outer formations.." yeah, that's all I remember, hah. but it was a really cool sentence. anyway, so I was pretty buzzed when we went back in. we bowled for a little bit, then went to where the bands were. I really enjoyed the first two bands, it was fun dancing. we rubbed off the x's on our hands and managed to score some beer, and we drank all night. aaaamazing. sheilahn and I were acting like girlfriends and we would tell people, hah it was so great. the growlers came on and that's when the fun really started. dancing and pushing and shoving, I was so content with everything. I was dancing next to some really hot dude, so I was like hell yeah. my feet got trampled and I got shoved quite a few times, but overall...the night was great. I'm so happy we went. sheilahn is one of the few people that I can legitimately have a good time with. it was very much needed.

school sucks lately. not really, I'm just getting so close to getting out, I'm anxious. hurry the hell up.

oh yeah, I finally did my presentation this week. because I couldn't last week due to the file name or something not working on his laptop, I just brought in my computer and presented. everyone laughed when I told 'em the topic was marijuana. what else would it be. I actually did alright. I was sort of nervous and hyper, I'm fine with talking in front of people, I love attention. it's just knowing I'm being judged makes me all fidgety. my teacher said I didn't bomb, so I'm waiting to figure out the grade. oof.

as of this moment, I'm not quite sure how I feel. I was so happy two days ago, everything was falling into place. I was in control, the ball was in my court...I had everything figured out. I was making smart decisions and not acting on impulse. and then I acted on impulse.

I fucked up. I can't take it back, and I can't say I regret it, because I don't. but this will come back to bite me in the ass. and I wish I could say it was worth it, but deep down I know it wasn't. it never was, no matter what I did. I couldn't resist the taste of it, in the oddest way I feel redemption, but in the worst way I feel pointless. there's nothing left to do now besides watch the pieces fall apart, as I try to keep my mouth shut and my hands to myself.

I just need someone to save me. from these foolish decisions, impulsive behavior, irrational sense of thought. I'm not making any sense lately.

I'm not making any sense lately.

I'm not making any sense lately.

I'm not making any sense lately.