slight delay

So many things on my mind. but then again, not really.

I just sit here and let it all wash over me in a cool breeze. I'm realizing that there really isn't much to be upset about.

I stopped smoking so much. I do love weed, though. it's truly blissful to me, puts me in a content state of mind. others enjoy me more when I'm high, because I'm more optimistic and joyful. and I enjoy me more, too. I enjoy and appreciate what's around me and the beauty in things.

I don't know why I was pushing for us to stay close. we both have changed, I can feel it in the way we talk. we're closed and hesitant. you're not the same. I guess you'll never be the same. and I realize you can't change a person, and I wish that wasn't true. but there's nothing left for me to do. you're not who I'd like you to be, that's what it comes down to, to be honest. I still feel the ache in my chest, but reality and time are slowly healing the wound you've created inside me.

high school's almost over. thank fucking god. get me out of this hell hole. no, not really, it's not so bad anymore. I don't mind laughing at the childish antics of fellow classmates, or listening to teachers ramble on about nothing important/relevant to what we should be learning. I sit in class now and appreciate all the silly things, because I know that this is it. and I am stoked to get the fuck out. I think there's like thirty-six days left. finally.

this weekend was fun. hung out with my stoner baseball friends and had a few beers. and on saturday went to bobby's birthday party at the hotel in long beach, then zack's after. I missed all of 'em. and I saw kickass on sunday, which was surprisingly good. I hate nicolas cage, but he was good towards the end.

being eighteen is nice. I feel relieved. about so many things. lately, I just feel happier and I'm leaning towards optimism more often than I was before. I mean, why not. I don't mind being alone, I've got so many years ahead of me to spend alone, and not alone. I just wish I could find someone now that appreciates me for what I am and enjoys my company. nothing serious, I just want to have fun and know that I can find comfort in someone.

on wednesday, I get to see beautiful sheilahn and go see the growlers at the block. I'm super happy - I love sheilahn, weed and good music. and on friday I'm going with joshua to see the murder city devils in la. also excited 'bout that.

I guess I can just smile these days, and say that I'm okay. really.

and don't count me out

I'll make my way across the frozen sea, beyond the blank horizon

where I can forget you and me, and get a decent night's sleep.

that's why they're called business socks

I guess I'll write.

I don't know what kind of mood I'm in. I'm full of spite and envy. but I'm still smiling.

every minute I waste right now is totally fucking me over. I have to create a presentation on a powerpoint or something for english class tomorrow. I'm doing my project on how marijuana affects the brain and I was stoked on it, and I wrote a really good essay, and now it's time for the presentation and procrastination took over the past few weeks. now it's the night before my scheduled presentation, and I dunno what to do. before spring break, my teacher told us he'd go easy on the few that signed up for the first few days, and I wrote my name for 4/20 (for obvious reasons) and I wasn't thinking about how I wouldn't have shit done by then. and I don't, of course. probably will be up all night. great, fucking great. maaaan.

at least all my grades are alright. I can't wait to get out of high school. I don't even feel like I'm in high school anymore. I stay from 8am 'til 12, that's nothing really. I just want out.

nick asked me to prom. he still has yet to ask me in a cute way, but everyone basically spoiled it for me that he was asking me. so he just told me, ha. we're gonna be so adorable at prom. I couldn't imagine going with anyone else, he's the perfect friend to go with.

I turned eighteen last wednesday. it didn't really hit me, still hasn't I guess. I guess I can buy porn now, buy cigarettes (yuck), go to strip clubs, other clubs, become a stripper, hookah bars, stay out past 'curfew', vote, etc etc. ha, how exciting.

Cassie and I went out to huntington beach on my birthday and ate at Ruby's on the pier. then we went to a hookah bar close to home with ramsey and matt. 'twas fun. the wii was the gift from my mom, and my aunt gave me forty bucks, and my mom's best friend gave me fifty bucks and the book Selected Poems of Robert Frost. that was my favorite gift. I saw that she had it in her bookshelf and I had made a comment about it a long time ago, and she sent it to me. love it.

I went shopping with nick today at the lab. bought a few things, then we ate at tk burger. I had never been there, and it was pretty good. yummy fries.

bryant got a 24 hour fitness pass, so now I have someone to go with. yayayay, I really need to start going.

and cassie left back to idaho. I'm bummed, four more months without her. the time goes by pretty quick, and before we know it, I'll be out of high school and she'll be home. counting the days, I miss her already.

I'm just stalling now, I should be working on my presentation. fuck. I don't want to, ugh. I feel like a child, kicking my feet and pouting. I wish I wasn't so lazy sometimes.

this weekend was just boring. I was supposed to go to coachella, but there were too many issues, so I ended up not going. so bummed. I'll go next year, whatever. the lineup wasn't all that great anyway. I would've rather gone last year.

seeing murder city devils with josh next weekend, I think. that shall be fun. and I'm also seeing the growlers with sheilahn next wednesday. score.

oh yeah. I got in a hit and run last tuesday, and got caught. that was a bummer. cops came to my house and yeah, I was scared shitless. I only scraped the car, and it had left the paint on it. the owners were really nice and aren't filing a report, thank god. just paying $725 in damages. fuck my life, I guess.

just in a lame mood. I wanna wake up and have it be saturday morning.

another thing...you forgot my birthday. I wished you a happy birthday on yours, and actually gave a shit. you didn't contact me or anything. so much for wishful thinking.

alright, time to get down to business.

....it's business time.

I read with him, too

when you look at me

I'll be digesting your legs

cause I can hardly see

what's in front of me these days

and those days, too.

resting under the breaks

I have a huge lump in my throat. at first I thought it was because I'm getting sick, which I probably am.

but after that dream, my whole body just feels odd.

what a stupid dream. so illogical and ridiculous. time-traveling, tv show plots, friends, adventures, big vans, sex, you, and nacho cheese.

I can't even understand, what the hell. ha.

I don't want to keep thinking about it. but I do. I'm waiting, waiting for good news.

to let me know that I can safely go home. 'home.'

home means so many things. just waiting, I guess.

spring break was nice, I enjoyed the time off. I needed it. to rest, to play, to get my mind off things. I didn't do much, I had work, I hung with friends.

cassie's going away party on friday was really fun. we went to a hotel in long beach, it was sweet. I started the night off with a shot, then it became a few beers, a few bowls. I smoked so much, I was blissful. after a while, my head was spinning. then we played flip cup, and my team dominated each time. beer dripping down my cheeks, me stumbling a bit. I was enjoying myself, more than I have in such a long time. I knew I was wasted. and I was happy. finally got to bed around 6, and had to wake up an hour n' a half later to get our shit together and get outta there. I smoked a bowl with michael before we left, it helped sober me up, ha. cassie and I stopped by jack n' the box so I could get some french toast stix, then to my house to jump in my work uniform, then she dropped me off at work. yeah, I had to open that morning at the theatre. that fucking sucked. every time I saw josh, I was like 'dude, send me home if they send someone home early'. they never did. I worked a full eight hours, either hung over or still sort of drunk. it was horrible, I wanted to get some damn sleep.

I passed out pretty early last night, and woke up not too long ago. my body finally feels a bit rested. thank god.

I've been in bed with my cat ever since. a good way to wrap up spring break.

today I was supposed to go shopping with nick for his birthday, but he can't go anymore. I still need to write my essay. man, procrastination is my middle name. fuck.

I think I'll go smoke and eat a donut or something. get my head on straight.

I've been laying here, staring at my ceiling. contemplating.

good morning, I guess.

I'd rather drown

I don't really have a reason to blog right now, because I don't have much to say.

my mood is slightly improving, spring break is nice. enjoying the time wrapped up in my sheets.

listening to old brand new and the growlers, high and hungry. feeling amused and entertained.

I bought a wii, and I've been playing super mario and call of duty all day. finally something to do when I'm high at home, stoked on it.

cassie's going away party is tomorrow night, that shall be fun. hopefully everyone gets trashed, I know I want to.

coachella's coming up. I'm excited. and so is my birthday.

counting the days. wasting away the hours.

spent the past few days looking back. now I need to start looking forward, and keeping focus.

I can't say that I don't miss you. sometimes I wish I didn't. push and pull.

every time I hear the damn song, I see you.

all he wants is for somewhere

that he can finally call his home

somewhere where he can rest his bones

bryant took this. ♥

but I got a plan

"I still taste you, thus reserve my right to hate you."

help me count my toes

I feel numb. it's so pleasant. higher than usual, I can barely focus. I'm not sure how I feel lately. every time I view it in a positive light, it then becomes so negative. but I'm not sad, I'm not unhappy. just a bit regretful. and quite nostalgic.

I just feel empty. and not in a sad, depressing way. my body, just feels empty. I don't have any energy, spirit. I don't feel motivated, inspired. I'm just bored with everything. I feel like I don't have a reaction anymore, nothing phases me. it worries me. a little bit.

I want to feel. in so many ways.

anyway, it's spring break. thank god.

school was really wearing me out for a bit. my procrastination didn't mix so well with all the deadlines in the past week or two. that was quite annoying.

I worked a full eight hour shift today. isn't that somethin', and then I work tomorrow and sunday morning. I was in a hyper, fun mood at work. don't really know why, but I was nice and energetic. came home, and my mood crashed. whatever, happens all the time. I guess easter's sunday, I didn't really know 'til my dad told me. I don't pay attention anymore.

I turn eighteen in like, eleven days. no longer jail bait, ha ha.

I'm enjoying laying here. back to being positive, sort of. I'm right in between. I'm just in an odd state of mind. I need something to bring me back into focus.

I am definitely losing focus.

and of course, every time it's the furthest from my mind, that stupid song comes on. or one of them, anyway. and you're right there.

stop it.

I need to start writing my dreams down. they've become so ridiculous, just full of impossible things...immoral relationships, questionable reality, sexual conquests, colorful visuals I can't understand the nature of.

eyelids are becoming heavy. feel so relaxed.

I might as well.

goodnight, goodnight.