'probably not'

It's been a week, shmeh.  Here I am.  snuggled up in my disney princess blanket, heater blowing straight at me, listening to my sweet playlist on itunes.  Currently it's the juliana theory.  Life rules right now.

Not really, but I wanted to say that.  made me feel better.

It's alright.  I haven't done much lately.  School's been lame, not much going on.  Two A's are now B's.  blahblahblah, whatever.  Don't really care.

My moods shift on and off.  I'll be smiling, but it'll fold into a facial expression that reads discomfort, and a slight hint of guilt.

I keep staring at my hands, as if they'll write something exciting, something new...something I don't know.  But I know everything.  I know too much.  My head aches.

I've created such a sweet set of tunes, but my itouch ipod or whatever the fuck it is, doesn't work.  so fucking mad!  Gotta get a new one.  and I was so excited to carry that bitch around.  man.  now I gotta wait a few more days.

It's winter break now.  I'm quite stoked, to be honest.  So much sleep, definitely gonna catch up on sleep.  I woke up so grumpy this morning.  But two weeks off of school, how fucking nice.  Love breaks, all kinds of breaks.  This one shall be cozy.  but probably cold, goddamnit, I hate the cold..

Went to Cassie's birthday party tonight at Keith Paull's house.  Saw Cassie, of course, and Hannah, Kyle Thomas, Keith, Madison, Baker, Mike, Sabrina, Care, Jeremy, Alison, Ramsey, Jared, Spencer, Matt and I met some weird guy, Amir.  hahah, such an odd dude.  But it was really nice to see everyone, missed a lot of 'em.  it was fun.

So happy Cassie's back.  this winter break will be fun cause I have my best friend back.  yayayay.

and I made plans with a few people, because I just miss them so.  Taking Kyle Thomas to a movie, hanging out with Sabrina, and eating with Ramsey?  ha, I hope this winter break goes well.

Time off always feels so good.  but I'm just going to forget everything...that doesn't feel good.  but oh well.

enjoying my life.  smile.  enjoy.  repeat.

I'm not good at playing these games.  I don't know what some things mean, how they're meant to sound, what silence really says.  I used to think I understood...but now, I can't seem to grasp it.  playful and witty.  Some are just not worth it.  but I learn.  live and learn.  agh, I hate that saying.

Tummy is growling...oof.  Don't want to wake anyone, damn.  and I have work at 9:30 in the morning.  I thought I started at 2, but I was definitely wrong...such a bummer.

When I saw those tattoos on your neck, I couldn't help but cry.  I was so upset.  With you, with your stupid choices.  I know you want to say that you're going to succeed and that you'll show everyone, flip everyone off in the end...but getting those permanently on your neck, for everyone to see.  You just fucked yourself over.  I feel like I care more about you then you care about yourself.  I just wish you'd think.  You say you do, but I don't think you do...you always bitch about society's rules and whatnot.  but if you're asking to become a part of it, you should play by the rules.  just enough, 'til you're in, 'til you're successful, stable.  But it is your life.  And you can do whatever you want.  And I really hope you do, that you do become a teacher, or a business man, whatever your many dreams are.  but those tattoos...goddamnit, I just want to smack you for doing that to yourself.  I care about you so much.  please, please, please, just think.  start thinking.

I think I'm gonna call it a night.  not really, I'll probably stay up.  But this blog has reached it's end.

I'm losing all positive feelings.  better hurry before it's too late.

goodnight.

There's the respect that makes calamity of so long life.

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,

The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office, and the spurns

That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscovered country from whose bourn

No traveler returns, puzzles the will

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

The last two lines are what really gets me.

oh, Hamlet.  How I hate/love you so.

we don't know them

My hands don't stop.

They touch, they say, they move.

My mind is spinning continuously, flowing through gaps and holes made intentionally.

I can't explain.

I can't tell you of the way I feel, it's flawed and torn, into bits that I can't even piece together.

I'm making mistakes, I become impulsive and I reach out too quickly.

I talk too much, speaking louder and faster, just rambling to your ears.

I'm aching for attention and it's getting the best of me.

Paranoid and thoughtful, my head's getting bigger.

It's all just getting the best of me.

I can't stop my fingers.  I can't stop my need to feel and be felt.

I want it, I see it...it's mutual.

But I can't stop.  I don't stop.

My hands just won't stop.

rambling, I'm just rambling today.

the fact that I'm very stoned this morning, could be a good reason.

I want to break away from this mood.  I'm becoming everything I hate.

yet I'm loving everything I am right now.

I have quite the addition of bracelets on my wrists, thanks to the artwalk.  I went Thursday night with Bryant to downtown la, it was fun.  It began to rain so we bounced early, but the things I saw...I really liked.  I'm definitely going to the next one, in january.  and hopefully it won't be raining, that blew.

Enjoying myself.  humbled.  striving.

I ended it with kyle.  I needed to.  I'm sorry, but I had to.

Cassie's home in less than a week.  very excited.  Winter break is soon.  I just feel like time is going by smoothly right now.

Everything's not perfect, but I'm content.

You're more of a puzzle than I thought.  I figured I had it all figured out.  But now I'm falling behind as you pass me by.  I'm not used to this, curiosity and confusion.  hoping.  wondering.  feeling.  I'm feeling.  I'm feeling too much, more than I'd like to.  falling back into old habits.

I'm most likely just digging a hole.  but it goes on.

I'm tingly and smiling.  no particular reason.

rain and warmth in blankets.

Just another saturday.

the warmth of a bowl

..is too comforting.

Being high makes me very pleased.

Lifted...my mind is somewhere else.

Hot chocolate and two blankets, winter's here...goddamnit.

freeze my smile, hold it 'til spring.

it's gonna take a while.

So the air's getting colder,

and the news keeps us scared..

fucking stoked

the music itself gets me pumped.

stoooooked.

on the porch outside

I just smoked out my dog.

and my bird won't hang out with me.

I feel so lonely.  ha.

and the more alone I feel, the more high I get.

so I can't complain then..

I guess I'll take advantage of this stoned moment to clean out and organize my closet.

Be productive..

be be productive..

Sounded like a cheer in my head.

whatever.

My mom just walked by room and said, "Why does it smell like weed over here?  Kendall, did you smoke??"

"What? No, of course not."

And we kept going back n' forth, in a joking manner, and she says, "Kendall, your whole life smells like weed."

And we started busting up.

It's like my mom gets high off my high.

that's a bit gnarly.

Watching Pineapple Express when you're high makes it a lot funnier.

And Lonely Island videos are so good right now.

"Just 2 Guyz", "We Like Sportz"...perfect.

I feel a little better now.  no more headache, no more negative thoughts...

until my high fades away.

then, back to...it.

You kick the bucket, and I'll swing my legs.

what a pity

So it's been a week since I've blogged...and not that much has happened.

But then again, so much has...

or maybe it's all in my head.

I worked last weekend, and it was a bit busy, thanks to New Moon.  So many "team Edward", "team Jacob" shirts...I'm team fuck-twilight.  but I haven't found that shirt yet...but I'm pretty sure it exists, ha.  Some people that I worked with were being little bitches...I'm tired of floor leads favoring people because they wanna stick their dick in them.  but hey, what can I do.  Other people that I work with, like Ashley, Michael, Maria, Jonay, Charmaine..I love working with.  They make it fun, we all make it fun.  Thank goodness for them.

Cassie was down for the week.  I got to see her, and it was great.  She looked so good, she gets more beautiful each time I see her.  Cutest little face I've ever seen.  Met up with her at disneyland..best hug we've ever shared.  We jumped up and down in each other's embrace like little school girls, ha.  I've missed her so fucking much.  I need her.  Disneyland was fun.  We held hands and looked like lesbians, but really cute ones.  hehe.  Went on a few rides, then left an hour early.  Went to Mike Cesario's house, where Mike, Sabrina, Birdie, Taylor, Stephen, Jeremy, Riley, and a few other dudes were.  We all went to some mexican restaurant place, and Madison met us there.  Him and Birdie are so fucking funny together, it's ridiculous.  I haven't had that much fun in a while.  My stomach hurt, from laughing so hard.  Spent the night at Cassie's, and she took me home in the morning.  She'll be back in three weeks...I'm so excited.

More disneyland.  More hand holding.  More warm hugs.  More best friend talks.

More Cassie.  I need more Cassie.

There's nothing like being with your best friend.  She completes me.

I had that audition..it was quite the experience.  It's been a few years.  I couldn't even remember how to do the introduction on camera, or anything about the process.  But it didn't go bad or anything.  We got there almost two hours early..so we sat in the car for a little.  Decided to go in early to see if they'd just take me early, and they took me right away.  A sort of attractive dude, dressed pretty trendy, was sitting there by the sign-in sheet.  Looked at me and called me in to the room, where some other dude put me with "mother", "father" and it was supposed to be a "brother" but all they had was another girl, so she was the "sister".  It was for a sprint commercial, had to do with nascar.  I think I did alright, I only had like a few lines, but the guy filming us said we did a good job and thanked us for not doing it like babies, like other people had.  So that was cool.  Call-backs are tomorrow, I think...so hopefully I get a call or email.  I completely forget how they tell you about call-backs, ha.  It was such a rush, going in there, being judged...I kind of missed that.  Can't wait to start driving, get back into this..I like the thrill.

I have nothing exciting going on right now.

This wasn't that great of a break.  I'm just bummed.

I miss my friends.  I'm going to start going out more again.  I need to stop being such a homebody.  Am I doing it because I enjoy it, or because I'm afraid of being yelled at?  Because you'll get upset...I've lost sight of what I enjoy and what I force myself to enjoy.

I picture myself in a completely different social situation.  I think I'm better than where I am....at home.  Doing nothing.  Being nothing.

Really bums me out.

I just need that car.  and I swear my life will be different.

I know it.  fuck those who doubt me.

Kyle was here for almost the whole week.  It was nice in the beginning...but it just got worse.  We got to the river, which was supposed to be pleasant...and all we did was bitch.  We fought so much, it was so emotionally exhausting.  I am drained.  Yelling, arguing, crying...my head hurts, spinning in circles.  We've never fought so much.  I love you, but something's wrong.  and it's really getting to me.

I feel like our plans aren't lining up anymore.  It's different.

I think we spent too much time together...and all our issues were just surrounding us.  Other people, texts, your struggles, my parents...it wore us down.  We just need time and space.

I need time and space.  I need sleep.  I need friends.  I need tylenol.  I need to smoke.

I need to bury my head into the comforting dents I've created in my pillows and take my mind somewhere else.

I need...I need so much.  But it's so hard to say.  to tell you.  anyone.

I want...I want so much.  And it's the same.  I can't say anything.

because I haven't figured out how to say it.

words.  words.  words.

I'm drawing a blank.

Next paycheck, I'm buying paint supplies and more weed.  Maybe some clothes.  Things that make me happy.

I'm gonna get lost in my mind.  I already am, but I'll make it a positive experience..

My fingers have run out of energy...I'm done.

fucking twihards

I decided, why not write.  What else is there to do, to occupy my time.  my mind.

I could sleep.  Heaven knows I need to sleep, my eyelids are burning and my eyelids are heavier than ever.

I'm eating chocolate donuts like they're my last meal, ever.  One after another, my mouth is dry and my jaw is sore.  Funny thing is I'm not even hungry.  My stomach's growling, groaning at me to stop.  I just feel so...empty.  Bored.  Blank.  I've got nothing.  I feel nothing right now.

I just want to sleep.

I'm not in a bad mood.  I'm not in a good mood.

I'm just in my bed, on my computer.  Doing nothing.  Feeling nothing.  Being nothing.

This week has been quite lame...school has turned into quite a drag lately.  I feel that none of the counselors actually do their job, which is counseling students.  They're always somewhere else.  And my classes just got boring.  Government is a drag because my teacher's sense of humor has really started to annoy me..and English isn't fun anymore because the work we're doing isn't enjoyable or worth it, to me.  Take me back to week one, week two.  At least I still have all A's.  No one can bitch at me this year.  I've got my shit on lock.

My old manager called, told me I have an audition for Saturday..err, today.  Around 3.  I have work at 5, but I'll be a little late.  I sort of miss auditions...the spontaneous outcome when you walk into the room to talk to three big adults and act like you can act, put on a smile and be the most adorable, charming kid you can be.  Now that I'm older, I think that I'll do a lot better at this.  I was the cutest kid, which landed me all my commercial and tv show roles before...but once I got to my awkward tween stage, I had no self-confidence.  I couldn't stand sitting in a room, waiting to have my name called, waiting with thirty other cute girls, I was so intimidated.  I couldn't do it anymore.  Now, I don't give a shit.  I think I could definitely jump back into it.  Good thing I'm still a part of SAG and that my manager still likes me.  Once I start driving in December, I'll definitely let him know I want back in.

Was supposed to pick up tonight, but I guess I will tomorrow.  Hap-pee-ness.

The moments where I feel like I'm sinking into myself, questioning it all.

I enjoy every second.

I worked the New Moon midnight showing last night.  Fucking insane, over 4,000 people...all eighteen theaters were full.  Holy fuck.  I've never seen such long lines for the concession stand.  Got home a little before two, I think.  Didn't even get to sleep 'til four...and I guess some assholes prank-called my house around four, definitely pissed off my mom.  I hate childish people like that.  I can understand calling someone's cell phone if you want to be an immature dick and you find prank-calls funny, but calling their house?  seriously...come on.  That's just rude.

Worked again tonight.  New Moon has fucked up our theatre, the lines to get into a theatre are ridiculous.  So many fucking people still, and it'll be like that for over a week.  I don't even want to say "maybe more."  But tonight was really entertaining.  Sold hearts with Jonay most of the night, drooled over Steven all night, too.  I hate that he's leaving in December...tear.  ha, such a hot manager.  Anyway.  We sold a shitload of hearts, and had a lot of fun doing it.  We sang our old favorite jams like "poison".  Catchy as fuck, brah.  Good times.

Got to get up early...got that audition, then work right after.

and Cassie's back in town, I'm sad I can't see her tomorrow, but hopefully I can after work maybe, or definitely Sunday.  Screw momo day, she better come out and play.

Have this whole week off of school.  That rules pretty hard.  I have work Wednesday and Thursday, on thanksgiving.  Meh, I don't really care..it's just a dinner.  Plus, I get holiday pay.  Love my life, at work.

I need sleep.  My body's begging me.

goodnight.

stickers

I just want to stick my head in a hole, and let it all blow over.

But it just continues...a vicious cycle.  can't defeat it.

Blow after blow after blow...I am so weak.  wobbly.  unstable.

On the verge of breaking down constantly.

just biting my lip.  because hope keeps pushin' on.

I want to say it's the distance, but it's so much more.

I can't win.  and you won't let me.

You can do whatever you want.  whenever.  it's all excused.

and you bitch and groan about what I do, when you do the same.

the exact same.  it's no different.  we're no different.

If I'm crazy, then you're just as fucking crazy.

I can't fucking stand you sometimes.  really.

alexander

down and out

"The harpoon is loaded.  The cage is lowered.  The water is red.."

Like you, like you.

total benefit

being super stoned because your manager smoked you out after six hours of work of just handing out gold pins and not doing shit, rules. hard.

smoking is the only thing that makes me happy lately.

screw everything/everyone else.

"is your cat making too much noise!?"

watching the "kitten mittens" episode of it's always sunny in philadelphia and a brand new tosh.0 when I'm super high is the best thing I've done all week.

the happiest I've been.

time for work, faaaantastic.

"..it's called a glaze"

Forget my last post.

I just don't know what to say anymore.

We're on the phone right now, and we just fought for over three hours. I am so exhausted. It's the same old cycle. We can't escape it.

We just have to work around it, I guess. because I didn't work this hard for over a year, and go through all these struggles with you, just to say, "hey, we tried. let's just go our separate ways."

I can't handle that. I won't. I won't let that happen.

And after all that arguing, crying, bickering..we're having a normal conversation again.

I'm listening to you ramble about cooking. You sound like a nut, but I enjoy every second.

I wish things could sound like this all the time. Simple, happy, talkative. But we're not like that most of the time...we bicker, pick each other apart, lie, scheme, play william tell. it's so frustrating. Always fighting with you. almost never at peace. When does it end?

You act like I'm always putting you down. I don't understand why you can't see that I just fucking care for you, and I hate when you involve yourself with drugs, and fuck yourself up. I hate when you put yourself in such shitty situations. I just want the best for you. always.

I am not childish. I can't stand when you belittle everything about me. it's completely unfair..you don't get to act like an adult when you're far from it as well.

I wish you'd acknowledge my feelings. Realize that they're much more than what you call "jealousy." There is no jealousy here. and I mean that honestly. It's distrust, it's uncertainty, it's insecurity, it's worry, it's fear. It's so much more. and you belittle it all. to put yourself so high, when we're really at the same level. but you'll never admit it.

I don't want to be at war with you all the time.

I don't want to play william tell forever.

A glaze. We need a glaze. ha. something that will always make this taste better, make the outcome that much sweeter. something that will please us both. a compromise.

I'm waiting for you to make a move, so I can decide what I want to do in my future. Remember how it used to be you "building your life around me"? It seems it's the other way around now. You won't consider how I feel about anything you're doing, and I'm the one who has to manage my wants and needs around your new life. that you 'have to do'.

they looked like strong hands

This isn't who I am..

from confidence to self doubt in sixty seconds

storming stages and stereos, from here to there,

trying to prove that I belong

trying to win approval from people that I don't know..

And I look so strong,

when the weight of all the world don't take it's toll

And I'd choose my side,

if I believed in what was right..

but I'm all wrong

I'm not larger than life, I'm not taller than trees

do I mean what I say, or is it just this disease..

where I never go home

Never telling the truth, how this life eats away

not admitting I'm fake

and I'm questioning whether this whole thing was worth it,

to die poor and all alone

..just don't tell me this doesn't mean the world,

cause my ears would bleed and my heart would hit the floor.

bayside never gets old.

side one

A rivalry goes so deep,

between me and this loss of sleep over you.

I couldn't stop, so I swerved to the right

My eyes still burn.  But I feel better...a bit of the weight on my shoulders has been lifted.  thanks to me.  for stopping myself from breaking myself down.

I guess I'll just ignore it and bitch until the time comes.  where I already know how I'll feel.  how you'll act, with reactions and actions, I don't know.  I worry.

I'm really not happy with it.  it makes me feel sick and upset.  and I'm not backing down.  I'll just bite my lip.  I've already lost too much sleep over this, and you.

School's been whatever lately.  I have basically all A's still.  I probably always will.  I'm starting to fall asleep at school, I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this.  I really don't want it to be like last year.  I think I need a weekend of sleep or something.  to catch up.  fuck.

I memorized my twenty lines of Hamlet for English.  I present Friday.  I hope I don't choke.  I'm sure I'll do fine..ha.  Hamlet's such a conflicted dude.  bummer.

I took a picture of my box.

Jack's face looks better in person.  the shape doesn't come out well on my webcam, and the eye looks weird.  but it looks fucking perfect in person.  maybe I'll just have to take a picture of it with my nikon later on.

I went to the same sex store I did last year for my elf costume and bought the stupidest costume ever.  I think it's funny.  It's just this slutty piece of lingerie...with cat ears.  It's like the equivalent to the Mean Girls scene..."I'm a mouse, duh."  hah, I think I have the right to be slutty this year.  I haven't before, I've never really done shit for halloween.  so whatever.  and I don't even know what I'm doing this year.  I'm going to Care's party on friday.  but Saturday, I don't know.  might just drop acid with Kyle...that should be interesting.

I bought some bud...dankies.  haha.  I'm stoked, it smells delicious.

Bought a black chest of drawers today.  I needed one, wanted one for like three years.  so finally.  thanks mom.  We should be getting it friday.  if only I could fucking push my dad into getting the loft bed like he promised.  ugh.

I just want to paint.  I...I want to..do something.

so many ideas.  my hands are giddy and impatient.

I've never seen so many dead animals in the road like I have lately.  it's sick.  not a good sick, I mean it's shitty.  really dampens my mood.  ha.

I'm trying to be positive.  about everything and anything.  it's hard.  because in the back of my mind...I know.  I know.

I just hold my head in my hands.  and feel burdened.  guilty.  lonely.  upset.  relentless.  motivated.  unmotivated.  frustrated.  annoyed.  pity.  pushed.  forced.  vulnerable.  weak.

I'm losing ground.  losing balance.  losing any strength I had..

I just wanna find solid ground.  to place my tired feet.

my drained body.  my restless mind.

time for my iced oatmeal cookies.

suck it.

it's getting ridiculous

still awake.

still torn.

still upset.

still broken.

still arguing.

still depressed.

still frustrated.

still getting nowhere.

still absolutely losing my mind.

But honey pie, you’re not safe here

not in a very good mood..and so this blog is gonna be nothin' but negative.

negative, negative, negative.

I just feel like shit.  biting my lip to hold back tears.

I feel like I'm always battling this.  that.  you.  all of it.

hokay, here we go then.

Work on Saturday was long, but it was okay.  Abe's back at work, that's cool.  Had to borrow a few bucks from Ryan to buy myself a pretzel (doctor's orders..).  I didn't have money for a whole week.  Spent it all at the Brand New show, or the last of it.  Came home from work, didn't do shit.  Didn't feel like it.

I called Kyle on my ten minute break, and he, of course, puts me in a shitty mood.  I can't believe you fucking had the nerve to suggest that to me.  ugh.  So the rest of the day was crap.  Our conversations were just so fucking awesome.  dick.

I know when I'm being stupid or foolish, or irrational.  But I have every fucking right to be upset over this.  Considering you were a douchebag and there's something you'll never admit, I still have other reasons for this to be a no-go.  and it definitely will always be a no-go, I am not down to be a part of this.  not one bit.  and if you want to, go for it.  fucking go for it.  cause I won't be around.  and I'm not threatening you.  just letting you know.  I won't sit by and deal with that shit, every day.  put myself in a position that I should never be near.  no thank you.

Out of all the things you could choose.  It's like you don't consider how I feel, you just jump to the conclusion that I'm being stupid.  well, fuck you for that.

I know I can be crazy, but I feel so strongly about this, and the fact that you don't even listen to me really pisses me off.

As you can tell, my Saturday ruled.  I came home and hung out with my mom.  We watched a movie, The Uninvited.  It was actually alright, a good twist.  I want to be that one girl..ugh.  she's so fucking pretty.  I don't know where she came from, but she's really cute.  bitch.  hah.

On Sunday, I woke up early and painted my camera obscura.  it's awesome, I painted it all black.  and the shutter piece is a big circle, and I painted Jack Skellington's face.  Soooo sick.  I'm stoked on it.  I know my teacher's gonna say there's not enough to it, but I think it rules.  He says to paint something that describes us, and I think it does.  plus it just looks so sweet.  I'll take a picture of it when I bring it home again.  I took my first picture with it today, and I have no light leaks, sweeeeet deal.

Hung out with Care on Sunday night.  She picked me up and we went back to her place.  We went to Starbucks and I bought a sandwich from Quizno's, cause they're so fucking good.  and it was, hah.  Went back to her place, and then waited for Skaggs to come over and match bowls.  Skaggs lags, hard.  haha.  He brought his girlfriend, who I've met before.  Name's Jordan, she went to Cassie's school.  I just found out that she lives in Buena Park, totally didn't know that.  but I like her.  And I definitely like her and Skaggs together, they were so cute.  so anyways.  We matched bowls, Skaggs had a joint.  I don't know what it was, but it was tasty.  The paper or something.  Skaggs and his girly left, and Care and I went back to Starbucks.  We decided we were pretty hungry, but Quizno's was closed.  so we went hunting for a Jack-in-the-box, but to no avail.  We spotted a Burger King and decided that was good enough.  Bought like, four whopper jr's and a large fry, and a big drink.  It was pretty good, except for those damn onions on the burgers.  ewiez.  Picked up her boyfriend and his friend Alex, and we went to a show in la.  Saw the Spits and some other bands.  It was a good show.  The first band wasn't that great, but the rest were chill.  I was still really stoned, for the rest of the night.  We smoked on the way there, too.  So I was just like aaaaah.  hah.  I was so high during the first few bands, my eyes were glazing over.  and I was pretty high when I got home.  Got home at like 2, my mom was like mehmehmeh.  I hate some oatmeal cookies and slept in my sister's bed, cause she didn't want to be alone.  (She saw Paranormal, just as scared as I was).

and today wasn't great.  My photo teacher really pissed me off, he was rude today.  Wasn't there early so I couldn't nail my shutter on before class.  And then when I asked him to have the supplies needed to do it, he gives me them, but no knife, and I need the stupid knife to do the damn thing.  and he takes forever to come out of the dark room.  I hate going in there, it hurts my eyes, ha.  and then he won't even help me, like he said he would.  So I do it by myself.  gay.  I left my binder at home by accident so I didn't have my work to turn in to government, even though I wanted to turn it in friday but the sub said no.  But my teacher believes me, so she's letting me turn it in tomorrow.  I always do my work, so yeah.  And then I know I bombed the notebook check in English, I wasn't keeping up like I should.  I didn't understand what he wanted in the notebook.  hopefully he goes easy on us this time, it's only first quarter.

I don't have plans for halloween.  I'll probably go to Care's party on Friday, but for halloween night, I've got nothing.  and I don't know what I'm gonna dress up as.  probably peter pan.  who knows.  I gotta get an outfit.  I need to go to disneyland and get a hat and a sword.  I don't fucking know.  ugh.

I kind of want to stay home, but then I just want to go out and get fucking smashed.  and say fuck you.  last halloween sucked.

Saw Stepfather with my mom tonight.  It was okay, nothing special.  The son in it, who's supposed to be a senior (he's really like 22) was really cute.  He's the brother from John Tucker Must Die and he's in Gossip Girl (blegh).  cute boy.  But yeah, the movie was alright.

My mind was somewhere else.

After our conversation tonight, I don't know what to say.  If you say that's what you're going to do, no matter what.  have fun.  and go for it.  but I can't handle that, or put myself through that.  so I don't think that I'll be a part of it.

this isn't looking good.  just gonna keep waiting to see.

I really hope you don't go through with this.  I don't want this to fucking happen.

but I don't think you care.

I don't feel well.  I feel sick.  sick to my stomach.

"There is a better world

Well, there must be.."

you could drink up the entire ocean

It's been an exhausting past few days.

It was really nice, for the most part.

Went to silverado days with Kyle. They didn't have the zipper ride, I was so pissed. Took him to see Where the Wild Things Are. So amazing. The music, the emotion, the boy in the movie...I loved every bit of it. I kept tearing up, it was just so good.

I wanna howl like a wild thing.

Too bad I can't, I have no voice. I'm so sick, it's ridiculous. Cough, sniffle, headache, fever. I'm too warm, too cold. I can't control shit. And I keep losing my voice.

I was so bummed about losing my voice, because I couldn't sing like I wanted to, to Jesse Lacey's beautiful music. Took him to see Brand New last night. It was so amazing. Third time seeing them. Well, second time. Twice seeing Brand New, and then one time seeing Jesse Lacey. But that's like three times. They will always be my favorite band. I'll never stop loving 'em. I teared up during a few songs..the memories. It was a beautiful moment. A beautiful time. I loved every second of it. I bought a Brand New t-shirt, and bought him a sweatshirt. I wanted the sweatshirt, but this girl bought the last small, right in front of me. so bummed.

Manchester Orchestra was pretty good. His voice is really something. I didn't hear the songs that I liked, though. But that band is really good.

and then of course, I see things...visuals, words, just these things...that break me down in an instant. And I don't believe a word you say. and I question this whole thing. I'm not okay sitting here, just idle and dumb..waiting to hear the truth, and ignoring all the signs pointing to it. because I want you to say it. and you won't. And when a girl gets the feeling in her gut, like I did before...it means she knows. she fucking knows.

and I fucking know.

and I'm so upset right now. I've got a hole in my chest. a huge lump in my throat. and it's not just because I'm sick. I feel sick, about this. and you fight back and tell me I've got it all wrong. when I've heard it all before.

and you left your stupid toothpaste here. sitting on my dresser. you always leave something here. and usually it makes me happy, because it either smells like you or I just love thinking about you, but I'm getting all upset just looking at it.

I hate that it's okay for you to push me away, but when I do the same to you..I'm a bitch. and you tell me "enjoy life, bitch." and it's fine. I know I'm right, and you'll never admit it. 'til eight months later, after all the swearing and promising you've done to keep me pacified. It isn't fair. I'm not your fool.

you know that I can't take this anymore. you break my heart every single time.

So touch me or don't

just let me know,

where you've been

We could leave it alone

but I'm sure there's someone who knows..

where you've been.

smashley simpson

Today was a stupid day.

It started out as a good day, considering I fixed my stupid box in photo.  Now I can paint! finally.  And today was the day to donate blood, and I signed myself up.  so I get called out to do it, and they have me fill out paper work, blah blah.  You must weigh 110 pounds, and I used to..but now, I dunno what happened, I weigh like 104.  I used to be 117, but I've been losing weight.  So I just said I weighed 115, because who cares.  The questions on the forms were quite funny, though.  "For females:  Have you ever had sex with a male who's had sex with another male?"  hahaha, uh.  "Males: Have you had sex with another male?"  Oof.  Anyway..so I get called in, and this old lady takes me into a little box room and pricks my finger to test my blood first.  I think it was fine, but I know that I'm anemic or close to being it, so Idunno.  But she takes my blood pressure on my left arm, and says it's too low.  I know I have perfect blood pressure, so I thought that was odd.  86/60, that's not my usual one.  It's way better than that.  Maybe it's because I'm sick, but still.  So she takes it on my right arm, and that turns out better, but she still won't let me give blood.  I was bummed.  but I still took a shirt.  at least I tried, hah.  And I hope my picture is still in the yearbook.

I want to be a part of the school, damnit.

Smoked when I got home.  Relieved my baby headache from earlier in the day.  Made more mac n' cheese.  It's become an addiction.  Watched the soap, started passing out.  Fell asleep for a little.

Took my mom to see Whip It tonight.  It was pretty good.  I thought it would be a little better, but I liked it.  I love Drew Barrymore, Jimmy Fallon, and Juliette Lewis especially.  Landon Pigg was the boyfriend in it, and he was sooo attractive, hah.  He dressed so cute.

He wore these cute boot shoes...ugh.  Boys who dress like that are quite delicious.

Checked my schedule, I only work Saturday.  Whatev.

I'm on the verge of tears.  And I'm not really depressed, it's this fucking headache.  I feel like my forehead is a piece of wood, getting nailed by a hammer.  I don't know how to describe it, ha, but I wanna cry.  No matter how much I rub and clutch my head, or whatever tylenol I take...it fucking hurts.  Wanna sleep, but I need to shower, and there's so many shows to watch tonight..

The Office, Community, Always Sunny, Survivor, yada yada yada.

Thursday nights are good nights.

This raging headache is killin' me.  Gonna take some tylenol, eat some oatmeal cookies.  Those are so delightful.

There's these things I wish I could write about..but I can't.

They don't sound good.  and they most likely aren't.  But they are swimming through my veins like constant reminders.  I am lost.

Very, very lost.

I'm full of worry.  and anxiety.  and I have this awful feeling that things are slipping.

I don't want them to.  really.  I don't.

but I feel this ache that I can't save it.  and it kills me.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed, and my hopes up.

I just need a shoulder.  and some bud.

later.

"gummy bears!"

Happy.  Sort of.  About half the things in my life.

(the other half, not so much.)

I feel like I'm back to good times.  I've missed this feeling.

Friends.  Friends.  I miss people.  Lots of people.

Last week was easy.  School's easy.

Photo's pissing me off because I'm a huge perfectionist on my camera obscura.  Hopefully I can finish it by next Friday.  fuck.  But I have an A in there now.  I had a low B, but I thought that was weird, so we looked over my grade, and he forgot to enter my essay.  So now I have an A, like I should've before.  Stupid.

Finite seems to be easier then I thought it would be.  As long as I focus on her mispronounced words and definitions, and look over my notes, I'm fine.  B+ on my last test.  And I have a B in the class.

I love history.  I do my work right away, she thinks I'm a great student.  Last week, though, pissed me off.  We were discussing the election process, and they decide to have a little election in the class, to demonstrate how it works.  So they ask people to vote, and five people raise their hand (the five class clowns).  They write down the five names they voted on the board, and then she says, "Okay, these are your people to choose from."  and I got pissed, because only five people voted, and there's like 40 people in the class.  what the fuck?  I made sure to argue, because I was truly upset, hah.  Don't tell the class this is how an election works when it isn't.  The other kids that didn't vote just don't want to raise their hand, so she should've called on 'em.  And I got pissed because Jordan voted me, and Ms. Herd or whatever her name is ignored it, and wrote down someone else's name.  What the fuck.  Ugh.  But, other than that...I have an A.  of course.

English is simple.  Sometimes I don't like the assignments..like say/mean/matter kind of shit.  just bugs me.  but I have an A.

Feelin' pretty good about school.  yay.

Had work Thursday night, because they wanted a few people in for the midnight showing for Zombieland.  I was stoked, but they only kept us like two hours, haha, because no one showed.  Whatev.  Then work Friday, 2:30-10:30.  Pretty much worked the whole shift.  Then yesterday, 10-5.  Whole shift.  I've got a check coming up this Friday, but this one's gonna stink.  It has all my shitty hours on it.  The one after though, is gonna rule.  Hard.

I really want a peacoat.  damnit.

Friday, I hung out with Tyler, David, Shena, and some others at some dude's house.  It was chill.  Smoked with Ty and David&Shena, then off to the guy's house.  Played beer pong for a little, but there was some helicopter flashing lights down onto the houses around us.  It was trippin' us out, haha.  But the night was fun.  Good to be out n' stuff.

And today, I hung with Tyler.  We smoked, played some pool, listened to the smiths, took some funny pictures, ate a shitload of food, and went to see Zombieland.  Then we saw Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs.  Zombieland was sick.  And Cloudy was pretty funny, but you have to be stoned to watch it.  there's really no other way, hah.

It was sweet to hang with Tyler again.  besties.  Out of everyone from down here, in the past few months..years...Tyler and Yen are my favorites.  I don't talk to either as much anymore, but when I do, it's like nothing has changed.  the kind of people you'll always be friends with.  and always get stoned with.

The perfect friends.

My mom knew me and Tyler smoked earlier, she was hilarious.  She kept asking what smelled like skunk, and she'd follow us and say the funniest shit.  I love my mom.  I kept telling her "I didn't smoke..in your house!" haha.

I miss you.  but you're making me feel like you don't miss me, as much as you used to.  I know you're bothered..but the way you talk to me really bums me out.

Just want it to go back to sweet texts and cute voicemails.

Idunno what to do for halloween.  or what to be.  I probably won't dress up.

I don't give a shit anymore.

Last halloween kind of blew..

I'm still pretty high.  Smoked again when I got home.

Oh, btw...I went to a smoke shop with some dudes from my work, bought myself five beautiful pipes.  They're so fucking sweet.  Next week, I'm gonna go get a bong.  hahaha.  love money.

and I bought new vans today.  yay for sales.

Ugh.  cool.

My mood is quite dampened now.  I was chillin', fine..like twenty minutes ago.

Superglue and tape and mend it.

please.

"and when a train goes by, it's such a sad sound..

No..it's such a sad thing."

strangers on a train

I really like to ride the train,

especially when I forget where I'm goin'

I really like the way it feels...

the motion of the wheels

As the raging sparks are flying

from the wounded rails still crying

Battling the scenery

It's lovely, it's lovely

It's lovely, it's lovely.

ugly dividers

My stomach is about to burst.  I've pushed my limits.

I rarely eat anymore.  I do not have any kind of eating disorder.  My body just rejects food.  To put it simply.  If I'm hungry, nothing looks tasty.  Every delicious snack I ever used to enjoy looks gross now.  Tootsie rolls.  Ew.  Chocolate ice cream.  Oof.  Salami sandwiches.  Barf.  Milk products.  Kill me.  I can't take it anymore, agh.  I force myself to eat.  I'm not hungry, really.  If I am, the slightest thing fills me up.  Today, I took it too far.  Now I just wanna throw up and sleep, ha.  I had my favorite subway sandwich (wheat bread, ham, swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato, cucumbers, pickles, and oil n' vinegar...the only sandwich my body enjoys) and I was pretty full.  But I was watching my soap, and I finished my sandwich before the show was over..and I needed to keep eating.  Idunno, I have to eat when I watch tv...it's sad.  So I decided to eat these cinnamon donuts my mom bought (like the powder ones, but cinnamon powder...nomnomnom) and I had a glass of milk with it.  It took me about 10 minutes to finally decide to drink the milk.  I knew it would kill me.  but I did it anyway, for those few seconds of deliciousness as the milk washed down the tasty little donuts.  And right after, my stomach was growling and howling.  I was holding it, pissed off at myself.  haha.  then my mom comes home and she's like, "are you ready to go to TGIF?"  and I'm like ugh, yeah.  I can always push myself to eat, which isn't a good thing, really.  So we go, and we get the $5 jack daniels burger, or whatever it was.  It was really good, but fuck, so filling.  By the time I was done, my stomach was turning, screaming at me.  My belt was cutting into my tummy, I wanted to cry, ha.

I don't know what happened to me.  I used to eat like a champ.  And never get full.  And I was hungry, like a normal person.  Something's wrong.  ugh.  Out of all things, why food.  why.

Today's been a really "I'm gonna complain" sort of day.

In photography class, we're building our camera obscura.  Mine is crooked.  In my eyes.  My teacher and everyone else says it's fine, but I see it.  The crookedness.  It really ticks me off.  I've taken my wooden box apart and re-glued it four times already.  And it won't be how I want it to be.  Everyone else says "no, it's fine, it's perfectly square."  I get on my knees and kneel at the desk, eyeing it the whole period.  Re-gluing, cutting, sanding.  I want to throw my box at my teacher and yell "you lied to me!!" hahaha.  I'm going crazy in there.  And I still need to paint it.  goddamnit.  I don't know what I want to paint.  fuck.

My right arm still aches from the flu shot yesterday.  ugh.

And over the weekend, Idunno what the fuck happened, but my right hand's middle finger's nail, around that part of the finger..it's swollen as hell.  Big ol' fingertip.  I stuck a needle close to the nail, into the skin..and squeezed and all this yellow liquid stuff came out.  The people that sat across from me in class were like ewww but I thought it was kind of cool, ha.  I've been squeezing it all day.  Hm.  I don't know what I did to it.  what the hell.

After my mom and I ate, we went to see Surrogates.  It was pretty good.  A bit slow in some parts, but I enjoyed it.  Then we went to Office Depot because I needed to buy a binder and some dividers for photo.  All the dividers were so friggin' ugly.  I was so annoyed.  All white paper with that ugly gold stripe, with ugly colors for the tabs.  I spent 40 minutes in there.  Staring at the dividers.  What happened to all the pretty ones!?  You know, the colorful transparent flippy paper, with pretty tabs.  Cool tabs, cool paper.  what the hell.  I bought some over summer, but they don't have any of those now.  My mom was getting all pissed, and the guy that was helping us kept laughing at me, ha.  I know I have a problem.  A mild case of ocd, or something.  I don't know.  I have some issue.  agh.

I sniff milk before I drink it.  I don't care if it just came from the store, if the person next to me is drinking it.  I have to sniff it.  And I'll make you sniff it.  And try it.  I can't stop.

I don't open my soda cans up all the way.  I click back the tab thingy 'til it's just barely open, enough for me to squeeze the can so some soda comes out.  If someone opens it all the way, especially without asking, I'm mad.

I have to have two ice cubes in my orange juice.

I usually drink all my drinks with both hands.  like a little squirrel.

I never write essays on paper.  If a teacher asks me to, I become really frustrated and get fussy.  and I start to write mean things on the paper.

I have to read the info of whatever I'm watching on tv.  If I don't, I get pissed and don't want to watch.  I can't stand when people won't let me read it, like my mom does sometimes.  I ask her to click info, and she won't, so I'll grab the remote.  I need to know what it's about.

I'm a perfectionist.  I don't "brain storm."  I hate that.  it's stupid.

I have to make sure I've spelled everything correctly.  I hate people who can't spell.  retards.  I have to correct them, or it will bother me.  For hours.

If I edit a picture, I will edit it probably ten different ways.  And compare all of them.  For over an hour.

...I could go on and on.

I don't know what the point of this blog was.  rambling, complaining.

My kitty Ariel is all curled up next to Eeyore.  That's her mom.  She pushes her little paws into it and sucks on the fur.  it's pretty weird, really.  but cute.  and she falls asleep every time.  and her little snoring sounds make me happy.

babygurl.

I'm going to go finish Amazing Race.  and hopefully Tool Academy.

I'm probably gonna have a few more donuts and milk.  ugh, shoot me.  stupid.

my finger's throbbing.

curious?

Oh, I'm nibbling the tips of my fingers.  I've got an urge.

Curious, but stupid.  I seem to choose 'stupid', always.

Ignorant, naive...innocent.  I'm not.

I am not.  Anything.  Nothing.

I trace the outline of my mind, it's a thin..thin line.

Between safety and falling, way over the edge.

I look over, and I tend to wonder..

Intrigued by the possibilities,

of my quiet, gentle downfall.

Safety pins, I'm pinned down.

No, I shouldn't look at it that way.

I've got a net.  Do I?  I'm not sure..

Not sure anymore.  Anymore.

Any safety net of mine never broke a fall.

It only cushioned the pathetic impact

against resurfacing to reality.

I've got an ache in my chest.

And I'll blame that for all the wrong I could do.

Would do.

I'm huge on impulse.  I lack common sense.

I lack all common sense.

Any sense at all.

Am I making sense?

I'll never let go of my insecurities.

My childish antics.

But I push them aside,

and repeat all that I hate.

I'm stuck inside a small, fragile body.

With an expanding mind.

Full of curiousity.

Dumb, but oh, so sweet curiousity.

I trace the outline of my mind...I've got an urge.

And it runs deep.

I hwill! I hwill forget it!

quite the stretch

...nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose...

"but I am cursed!"

ooooo, I like to sleep.  I like to sleep a lot.

catching up on my z's, desperately.

Temptations.  I'm resisting.  Resist...I try.  Sometimes, it's hard.  I've got greedy hands.  and a wandering mind.

Watched September Dawn with my parents tonight.  Interesting, I liked it.  It really put Mormons in a bad light, and basically kissed Christian asses.  The mormons teamed up with the indians and killed the Christians because they were pissed about the Missouri people, 20 years beforehand, who had killed Joseph Smith (I think).  That bugs me, how Jacob Samuelson and fellow mormon doodes wanted to seek revenge on the Christian people just passing through to California, just because some were from Missouri.  It was like, 20 years after the fact, so when they say, "Those are the people who killed Joseph Smith.."  It bugs me, because it isn't.  They aren't the people, really.  Whether the story is true or not, I don't really care.  Stories like that upset me, how people seek revenge on others because of where they are from.  They are not the same people as the ones you're seeking revenge on.  Blegh.

religion:

-noun

A cause, principle, or activity pursued with zeal or conscientious devotion

I guess I have a religion?  By definition, I feel that..my beliefs of nature and the purpose of the universe could be a religion.  I am devoted to my belief, and there are others who feel the same way.  We could be a religion.  Questioning.  And it's not even that, I really just don't care.  I live, I sin, I die.  Simple as that.

But the movie was good.  It said "based on true events", but who knows.  That's why I don't partake in religions...they all say "it happened", basically.  Jesus did that, God is this.  God believes this, I shall not do this, or else...blahblahblah.  I enjoy watching movies that involve religion and show the beliefs and values of such religions.  Makes me wonder.  And question.  Not myself, not my faith...but religion as a whole.  and how everyone has different beliefs, and how some will shove it in your face to prove they are mightier than you.  When we're all just human, and we'll all die the same way.  And some will be buried, some will be cremated.  Whether you have a religious type funeral, we're all going to the same place...into the ground.  Or spread out over this earth's surface.

If I'm wrong, you can tell me on the other side.  Death.

I'll see you there.

"So they say..

they say in heaven, there's no husbands and wives

On the day that I show up,

they'll be out of their forgiveness supplies

And I can't use the telephone

to tell you that I'm dead and gone

...so you won't know."

oh, but I found a new love..

Micah, mmmmmm.  I'll be your fourth wife, I don't even give a shit.

meatsauce

Ah, my body has been upset with me lately.  My stomach fights off whatever I attempt to feed it, but growls when I decide not to even try.  My body is a walking zombie.  Basically pulling me to my bed.  And how can I say no to that?

Instead of our timed writing being on our summer reading, my teacher gave us the prompt of "how music defines us".  Stoked.  I did so well, can't wait to get that thing back.

This week has been pretty good.  Finite blows, and I could actually drop it if I wanted to, but I'm deciding not to.  Might as well learn this shit now, because I'll have to in college, anyway.  Other than that, everything else rules.  Photography is sweet, I'm impatient to start taking pictures.

I'ma be pissed if my school has us watch that Obama speech on Tuesday.  I'll vomit.  Shove him down our throats a little more.  Jesus christ.  Get the guy out of my fucking face already.  I absolutely hate him.  I can't stand democrat teachers.  All they do is praise him.  Republican teachers aren't negative when they speak about politics, they don't even say anything bad.  but democrat ones have to bag so hard on Republicans.  I hate democrats.  So fucking rude and pushy.  "change" and "hope".  It's hilarious.

I hate that I'll turn 18 under Obama's rule.  Makes me want to crawl into a corner.  Please, 3 more years, go by quickly.  Get this guy out of here.  and out of my face already.  On your stupid bumper-stickers and shirts.  Lies.

I wish I could've been born in a different time.  I feel that I've missed out, and I'm just another teenager going under the radar.  Another flimsy vote to society.  I don't mean shit.  And I'm okay with that, because my voice doesn't matter anyway.  Corrupted governments and pigs will rule me.  And I can't fight that.  So I will seep under the radar, and I will get by.  Barely.

I really don't know who I am right now.  Or more of a 'what'.  It really gets under my skin.  and I guess that's okay.  I don't need to know.  nor do I want to..

Dreams.  Dreams are so awkward, yet intriguing.  Is it what you really want, or is it just a replay of a memory?  Are you aching for what you see, but only can even imagine having it in your dream.  It's nuts.  Nick and I were talking at lunch, and we were sayin' how weird it is when the faces change, all randomly.  Like, I once dreamt Nick and I killed these two guys, and we were stuffing their bodies in a sewer drain, and I turned around to look at him, and it was my sister.  For the rest of the dream, too.  It's just random and sudden, yet your dream doesn't really change.  They adapt all the features of them in your dream, and then you're just okay with them being there, instead of the person before.  Idunno, it's weird.

My dreams have been so odd lately.  A few days ago, I dreamt that I went on a date with Andy Samberg.  Not complaining or anything, but wtf?  hah, it was a really sweet dream, though.  Then the next day, I dreamt of an old encounter from 2008, and I had no idea why.  *gags*.  Last night, it was Zach Galifianakis.  We were hanging out at the movies, and he started to go on a killing rampage.  He killed everyone in sight, and he kept trying to kill me.  My dog was there, and he kept shooting her, too.  Chessie laid down and was like, dying, and I fell next to her.  We both pretty much were not trying to breath, so he wouldn't see and shoot us again.  He laid next to me, with his arm around me, and was whining and rambling about everyone.  The doode was nuts.  He saw Chessie's chest moving up and down, slowly, and he shot her in the face.  It skinned her nose, and there was a lot of blood.  My heart jumped, so he felt the jolt of my chest, and he went to stab me, and stabbed me once, but I shoved him off of me and stabbed him in the face.  He ran away, and it was fucking nuts.  Helicopters were looking for him, and everyone was like wtf.  Then, my parents came in, and were like, "I don't want you to ever see that boy again!" and it switched to Kyle being the big murderer.  hah, wtf just happened.

Don't even ask.  Idunno what the fuck I'm dreaming about, or why.

I want to go back to my old dreams, about sunflowers and daisies.  I guess I miss it, but it's in the past.  In the past..  past.  past.  past.

Take me back, for a second.  I want to tell myself, back then, to change things.  Choose this path, over the other.  Hold this hand, instead of that hand.  Hold onto that, instead of this.

I hate standing here, looking back and wishing I could've done this instead of that.  Fuck fate.  Fate is nothing but coincidence.  Luck.  And not because it's "karma", it's just dumb luck.

I don't get lucky.  So fuck the system of karma and all the above.  You guys don't do shit for me.  Never have, never will.

Having one dog isn't as fun.  But I love her all the same.  Old man grunts n' all.

Last night, my parents and I went to dinner at some Italian restaurant we used to go to when I was little.  I wasn't really hungry, but I wanted to go with them to be with them, ya know.  After the salad (the ranch was yucky) and the bread, I was already getting stuffed.  I could barely eat my lasagna, ha.  My body was like, aching and I knew I couldn't take anymore.  I was so weak and tired, I didn't understand.  We got home, and I watched Wall-e with my dad.  I fell asleep, and that was it.  My body was like, "You're not doing anything but sleeping right now."  So I went to my bed and fell asleep.  And that was at like, 9:30.  What a Friday night.

I'm so pissed, I missed work yesterday.  I thought I worked next Friday, not this Friday, so when Marquis called me and was like "Uh why didn't you show?" I was so upset.  I went in to talk to my manager, because talking to her face to face is the mature thing to do.  I wanted to make sure she knew that I wasn't ditching or anything, I was just stupid and mixed up my schedule with last week's.  She said it was fine, so I just hope she doesn't think anything negative about me now.  I work Sunday, 10-5.  I better not miss it, ha.  I thought I had work today for some reason, but I don't.  Good.

More time to sleep.  And dream and question myself completely.

England is mine

Does the body rule the mind, or does the mind rule the body?

I don't know..

Ask me why and I'll die

Oh, ask me why and I'll die

And if you must, go to work tomorrow

Well, if I were you, I really wouldn't bother

For there are brighter sides to life

And I should know, because I've seen them..

but not very often

Under the iron bridge, we kissed

and although I ended up with sore lips

It just wasn't like the old days anymore

No, it wasn't like those days

Am I still ill..?

help yourself

Back to school.  It was sweet, I guess.  Nice to see everyone.  I ended up really enjoying my classes.  First period, I have photography.  I remember visiting that classroom last year when Tyler had photo, and I really liked the teacher.  So I'm stoked.  He's got good taste in music, like Radiohead and Muse, so I approve, ha.  I spotted an interesting tattoo peeking out of his black long-sleeved shirt.  It was like a spiral design, I want to see the whole thing.  I was totally distracted by it.  Anyways.  Second is finite, which will totally blow.  I got some asian lady who is kind of difficult to understand.  She's tiny, but it's easy to see she won't take any shit, ha.  We already worked out of the book today, and I had homework.  How retarded, but I did it.  Yay.  Third is history, and the teacher is actually chill.  She's old, but she's good friends with Mr. Frye, who was my history teacher last year.  And I loved him, and they're a lot alike..so I'm pleased.  She spent the whole class talking about random shit, and she even cusses, so I think third period will be nice.  I started to fall asleep in there, though, because of that fucking lighting.  I swear it's the lighting.  I can't explain it, agh.  Fourth period, I have English with Mr. Pfeiffer.  He's super chill, and funny.  And very energetic.  Definitely wakes me up after third period, so it's perfect.  And that's my last period!  :-)  I get out at 12, every day.  Fuck yes.  Every Wednesday, I have work experience 0 period, but who gives a shit, it's one day a week.  So basically, I have four classes.  Stokedstokedstoked.

I finished my summer reading within two hours.  Yes, I rule.  I always wait 'til the last night to do my summer reading assignments.  And the last three years, I never completed them, yet I'd get 100% on all of 'em.  I actually did the whole thing this time, so I'm not worried.  Just dreading the essay about the book.  I saw the movie, so I'll be fine.  ha.  And thank god for google/cliffnotes/and all that good stuff.

When I got home today from school, I felt amazing.  Four hours of school?  This rules.  It's really putting me in a good mood for the year.  I have so much more time now on week days.  I came home, watched a crapload of shows, and it wasn't even 2 yet.  I was like, oh hell yeah.

While writing this, there was a knock on my window, which scared the fucking shit out of me.  Heart racing, loudly I say, "What the fuck.." and ask all scared, "Who is it.." And I hear the sweetest, most angelic reply:  "Cassie."  I ran outside, and was so happy to see her, hah.  She's leaving Wednesday..agh.  I know I've already written that, it just sucks.  I have to keep reminding myself, I won't see her 'til like, Thanksgiving.  Ugh.  My best friend is gonna be a few states away.  How depressing.  but we had a good talk and our last hug was adorable.  I sniffed her, hahah.  Don't want to lose that scent.  Not creepy.

I understand you're going through some really tough shit right now.  I feel horrible, that I can't really help you.  I can be your support system, and I've even found you a job.  But you made me feel really..bummed.  You know that I need you, and I know you need me.  Although everything else may be falling apart, I'm here.  I'm sorry that's not good enough to brighten your mood right now.  But I'm here.

Always here.

What am I doing wrong?

I've changed, so much.  For you, for me.  For this.

Things aren't looking so good anymore.

Hope..?

I'm falling out..of myself.

Tired.  I guess.  My stomach is growling.  Nothing to snack on..damnit.

I guess I'll call it a night.

"...and if the people stare, then the people stare.  Oh, I really don't know and I really don't care.."

...actually prepared

Today was a long day.  I know I already wrote in here, but I have more to say.

It wasn't really a good day for anyone in the family.  We're all still super depressed over losing Reggie.  Still talking about it.  Still feeling it.  I've got a lot of demons to fight.  My sister is going through her own personal things, and I hate seeing her hurt.  I know there's things going on in my mom's mind, we just haven't talked about them in a while.  My dad...I wish he'd talk to me.  Like, really talk to me.  But I'm fine with any conversation we have.

My phone's broken, btw.  I'm bummed.  But, I'm getting an iphone.  The fuck?  Right?  hah.  Goodbye pink razor that I've had since like, 7th grade.  Every time I'd ask my dad for a new phone, he'd just get me a new pink razor.  It was actually pretty funny..but sucked.  those things suck balls.

But anyway.  So all day, my sis, mom and I were being all mopey.  Kept having sad talks n' stuff.  My mom and I went to Panda Express.  A more quiet dinner experience than usual, but still okay.  But we were all in a good mood by 9 because we decided to watch 17 Again.  Funny story, to me, 'bout the movie.  When the trailers first came out, my sis and I were like wtf when we saw Zac Efron (cool spelling, doode).  We never liked the guy.  I hate all Disney related things, have since like..7th grade.  But the trailer was actually funny, so my sister and I swore we'd see it when it came out in theatre.  We never did, but we've been dying to see it.  Sad, really.  We find that really funny, though.  So we decided to watch it tonight, and we were secretly stoked.  And during the movie, my sister and I kept giggling because we were starting to like Zac, and I kept trying to stop myself.  hahah.  It was a good time with the girls in the fam.

The movie was actually really cute.  I cried, or tear'd up, actually.  Quite a lot.  I'm kind of amused at the fact that it took a movie like 17 Again to get me back on my feet..sort of.

My mind has been wandering.  I took a shower, and I just couldn't stop thinking.  I'm 17.  What a bummer.  But, I'm actually excited for school tomorrow.  Lunch time.  Going back to the same spot, probably to see Steven sitting there, with his lunch that his mom makes him.  Seeing the baseball boys.  The girls (the few that I can tolerate).  Tomorrow, I want to feel like a kid.  I really do.  And I don't know what this feeling that is swimming through my veins right now, but I'm quite entertained by it.

I miss Kyle.  I know I write about him a lot.  My thoughts are consumed by him.  I think about him with every action I make.  I'm done fucking up.  In school, with my parents.  With him.  I'm done letting myself beat myself up.

I'm my own worst enemy.  It gets so annoying.

Waking up early, to get ready.  For my last year of high school.  I ran out into the living room to wake up my mom on the couch, and acted like a little girl and said, "Mom, what should I wear on my first day of school!"  and we laughed, and I felt good.

Done fucking up.

At least I hope so.

I'm going to call Kyle.  talk for a little bit, then get some sleep.  Back to my really shitty sleeping pattern.

And I thought my sleep during summer was bad..pfft.  You have no idea.

The past few days have been hell on my stomach.  Those damn pills.  I think I want to take a break.

My senior year = zombie me.

stoked.  I guess.

g'night.

a ramble of death, religion and my love

I am completely heartbroken.

I lost my favorite piece of my childhood, my home...my dog.  Reggie.  I miss him so much, and it was just this morning....god.  I have this huge hole in my chest.  This huge ache in my shoulders..all this weight I carry around.  Built up.  I've cried so much.  My eyes are swollen.  I couldn't even really open them yesterday.  I wish it never ended this way.

A few days ago, I noticed his back legs were becoming wobbly..but nothing too serious.  Just a little shaky.  Friday, it seemed a little worse.  I knew his legs were going out, slowly but surely.  I thought it would be months until anything serious happened.  I gave him a treat in the kitchen and he had some drool hanging from his mouth, and it worried me, because he has never drooled, ever.  I wiped it off of him, thinking it wasn't that big of a deal.  Later that night I noticed his right eye seemed different, smaller than the other.  His legs seemed a little worse.  It was hard for him to get up, but he still did.  Still walked.  Slow, but nothing too noticeable.  Then came Saturday morning.  My sister and I were watching tv, and he was walking in from the other living room, slow and wobbly.  I told her to look, and we both became seriously worried.  His legs seemed so weak, but at least he was walking.  It was just his back legs, his front legs were still strong.  He went outside to pee, so I followed him.  I was so fucking scared, I knew something was seriously wrong.  I watched him circle the grass in the back, looking for a place to pee.  He was having such a hard time, and he didn't even lift his leg to pee.  Then he tried squatting, and he was in so much pain, his legs were so shaky.  Chessie, being the asshole she is, saw that he was trying to take a shit and ran over and accidently ran into him and knocked him over.  And that was it.  He looked at me, so helpless.  Like, he knew.  This was it.  I ran over to him, tried to help him up.  He'd stand, but just fall.  I started sobbing, and ran inside and called my sister out there.  We tried to get him up, and he'd have it for a second, but he'd just lose his balance.  We got him to walk half way around the house, and he laid down in the shade on the side of the house.  My sister ran out to get the van, and I came back out to him.  I was shocked.  He had completely changed within the last 20 minutes.  He was drooling heavily, he looked grey and old.  Like an old man.  I couldn't stop crying.  My baby boy had gotten old within two days.  How is that even possible?  We took him to the vet, and they said to take him to this place in Tustin, that basically is the place where you take your animals when the vets can't help.  Better testing, care.  Stuff like that.  My sister took him there, I had to go to work.  I smoked before work, and it took my mind off of my babyboy.  But once I got home, and walked in my door, I started sobbing.  I heard slow clicking on the wooden floor, and for a second, I became so hopeful it was Reggie.  It was just Chessie, walking slowly to me.  She knew something was wrong.  Reggie's nails against the tile floor was my favorite sound.  Slow, adorable.  He knew the sound bugged us when we'd watch tv, so he'd walk really slow, hoping it wouldn't be loud.  It was the cutest thing.  Chessie is fat, so hers is just a huge shuffle against the floor, hah.  Ugh.  It was really hard not having him at home.  The night was difficult.  I told Cassie I'd go out with her, but then my mom and sis were gonna go visit Reggie, so I was going to go, but I ended up not..I wish I did.  It was nice hanging with Cassie, and seeing Courtney and Ramsey and all them.  But god, I should've went to see Reggie.  Spend more time with him.

The vet told us it was a serious case of arthritis in his spine.  There was really nothing to do.  We could've gave him medication, but that would just take away the pain..not really the fact that he can't even walk.  And none of us could stick around and carry him around outside, all day.  He's a huge dog, 75 pounds of love.  Not even fat, a real goodlooking dog.  Everyone always commented on how cool he looked, ha.  Some would say like a wolf, or some dingo, hah.  He was the cutest thing.  Ah.  We decided, after a really long talk, that we should put him to sleep.  He had a really bad case of arthritis, and he was becoming paralyzed.  It would've only got worse.  I just fucking hate that it was so sudden.  This morning was so hard.  We headed to the place, and waited for Reggie in a room.  They wheeled him in on a big cart, and he had a blanket over him.  I felt horrible.  I know he was so embarrassed having all these random people pick him up and touch him under his belly.  Anytime I'd touch anywhere near his peepee, he'd squeal, haha.  God, I miss that.  He was such a pussy, but such a big dog.  But the fact that he didn't even make a sound when they picked him up, completely saddened me.  He must've known.  This was serious.  He looked like an old man.  It was still my Reggie, but just..so old.  His neck was hanging like an old man, his panting was heavy and rough.  He was so uncomfortable.  He just wanted to lay on his back, but he couldn't control his legs.  It was the hardest thing.  We loved him for a while.  Told him how much we loved him, how great he is.  It's like he knew.  God, I can't stop crying now..ugh.  I kissed his little tortilla head (the top of his head smells like a tortilla..I'm not kidding), pet him all over, hugged and kissed him.  He looked so miserable.  But he wouldn't stop licking us, showing us he loved us.  I was so fucking sad.  My eyes are so goddamn swollen.  We talked about all the memories of him, how funny he was.  What a great runner he was.  That's what I hate..he was the fastest fucking dog.  Even last week, he could've outrun any dog.  And then this happened.  The vet there told us he most likely had a stroke, which explains a lot.  The right side of his face, with the smaller eye, ..he's lost control over it, pretty much.  He can't blink, the lip on that side hangs lower than the other.  He looked so sad.  God.  After all the time loving him, the lady came in, and injected him with the first shot, which makes him go to sleep.  Not sleep sleep, but just sleep, a heavy sleep.  His eyes started drooping, but they didn't close.  Fuck, I wish they did.  He set his head down on his leg, and on my sister's arm.  I was holding his paw the whole time.  Then she injected him with the shot that would stop his heart.  That was so fucking hard.  She told us he was gone, and ..god, I can't even type right now.  We stayed with him afterwards just as long as we were with him before.  I couldn't let go of his paw.  He became so heavy..his body.  His eyes were still open.  And that will always bother me.  I wish he could've closed them.  Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.

I want my fucking dog back.  I'm sobbing as I write this.  I want him back.  He was my everything.   I miss the sound of his tail against the wall, when you called his name.  The funny faces he'd make when I gave him butt massages.  He loved 'em.  I'd pick the icky fur off of him, and he'd give me kisses in return.  I miss his adorable trot, the way he ran.  Like a damn gazelle.  No joke.  He was so elegant.  And so manly at the same time.  Ha.  I miss him so fucking much.  I can't believe I'll never have him again.  I want to wake up to his cute face, sniffing me.  Licking me.  Me telling him how bad his breath smelled, so he'd close his mouth for me.  Hah.  Thirteen years spent with that loving dog.  He wasn't just a dog, he was my best friend.  He loved me more than anything.  He knew when I was having a bad day.  When my family would fight, he'd lower his head, and look at me, and wonder if anything was his fault.  He'd feel the emotions streaming through the walls.  He knew, something was wrong, always.  No one kissed me like he did.  No dog could ever love me like Reggie has, for thirteen years.  I want to tell him right now that he never did anything wrong.  I told him this morning, he knows.  But I can't tell him anymore.  I can only speak to my walls, my cold room.  Sob into my pillow, talking to him like he can hear me.  Fuck...He was a great dog.  A great friend.  He knew we all loved him so much.  He was glue to this family, for me.  He's a part of our house.  He's a part of my family.  My childhood.  My life.  I miss his fur.  I miss his eyes.  His cold nose.  His cute ears.  His long legs.  His stance.  His attitude.  His presence.  I want him back. I want him back.

Goddamnit, I want my dog back.

^ The day we got him.  He was the cutest little thing.

Losing Reggie just makes me more depressed about my grandma also.  He was her favorite dog.  Her baby, too.  Whenever she'd come over, she'd give him treats.  Always ask how he was.  She loved him, so much.  I grew up with the both of them.  I got Reggie when I was like, 4 or 5, and that's about the time I actually can remember memories.  And so I remember my grandma from then, too.  My memories with the both of them hit me so hard.  I miss my grandma.  And I miss my Reggie boy.  I want him back.  I want them back.

I hate death.  I don't believe that we go somewhere when we die.  I have no religion.  Religion is false hope.  Something the elderly tell the young ones so they can picture pretty images of death.  It's not pretty.  It's not always peaceful, and easy.  And I highly doubt that when I die, I'll be sitting up in the "clouds", where some doode with a gnarly beard named Jesus or God or whatever the fuck his name is, is sitting in some huge chair, taking care of everyone.  Please.  I never really believed in any religion, even when I was younger.  I wasn't one to really buy those stories.  My grandma was Jewish, and my mom is Jewish.  But I don't believe that just because my mom's Jewish, that makes me Jewish.  There isn't Jewish "blood".  That is such a idiotic thing to say.  Being Jewish is not a race sort of thing, it's a fucking religion.  And I don't practice it, therefore I am not Jewish.  I have nothing against Jews.  I love 'em, ha.  I love their food, their attitudes, and all that good stuff.  My grandma was adorable.  People are so ignorant.  I may not believe in religion, but there is no reason to discriminate on it.  If you're waving your Christian pride around, you should lay off the Jewish jokes.  You all believe in something.  And that's great.  Just fuck off and respect others.  I can't stand kids at school who make fun of someone for being Jewish.  It's the same fucking thing as being Christian...they are both religions.  No different except the certain beliefs.  People need to quit judging and hating on others.  But I don't practice it.  Nothing against it, just religion in general isn't for me.  I won't force myself to believe all these analogies about whales and arcs and people who lived a long, long time ago.  Virgins shitting out babies.  No thank you.  I went to church when I was in middle school, because it was the cool thing to do.  The church was right next to my middle school, so everyone went there.  Once I saw how into it people were, the way they threw their hands in the air and praised the Lord or whatever, I felt super awkward.  The songs all sounded the same and the people creeped me out.  A lady came up to me and my friend and put her hands on our back, and startled rambling and crying and speaking crazy.  I was frightened, ha.  That's when I knew, it was all a joke to me.  And I'm not trying to talk shit..I'm just voicing myself.  It's like if I don't like the same tv show as you, it's nothing personal if you like it.  I don't.  I don't enjoy religions.  Once you die, that's it.  I knew it for sure, when I completely matured, when my grandma passed.  Seeing her lying in her coffin, cold and silent.  I was miserable.  I knew where she was going.  No fluffy clouds, no pretty rainbows.  No gents and ladies drinking wine, reading poetry in heaven.  Nothing I'd like to believe.  She was going to be buried.  I kissed her lips, after several minutes of refusing to.  Balling my eyes out.  I didn't want to.  I was scared.  I finally did, and her lips were cold.  But her skin was so soft, and smooth.  It's such a difference.  From when I saw her a few days previous, lively, wrinkly but oh, so adorable.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to see her in her coffin, but I did.  And for a while, I wasn't sure if that was the right thing to do.  Looking back, I'm glad I did.  It's reality.  I grew up.  I matured, so much, that I can't even believe.  I completely changed.  From when I kissed her cold lips to the moment I sat on her grave, knowing she was six feet below me.  I realized that life is so fucking fragile.  I was 13 or 14, I can't recall.  But god, that was hard.  So when I had the choice to see Reggie go, I knew I had to.  I was so worried, wondering if it was the right thing to do.  I was so fucking upset because I hated that I saw him have the stroke, I watched him go from a healthy dog to a panting, tired old man in nearly minutes.  I saw it.  I felt it.  I held him and wiped his drooling face.  So this morning, I knew I had to.  I've already seen him at his worst.  He knows that I love him dearly.  So I held his paw, and watched him gently lay is head down on my sister's arm, and slowly disappear.  The life was gone.  My dog was gone.  I don't care if anyone thinks it's stupid that I am devastated over my dog.  It's a fucking life that meant so goddamn much to me.  A life, is a life.  It means everything.  To him, to me.  To my family.  He was a part of us, as we were a part of him.  And I feel horrible he had to go in some unfamiliar room, but he knew.  We were all holding him, loving him.  I hope he went peacefully.  I'm sure he did.  He had to.  No struggle.  God.  Realizing how serious death is.  How easily it can creep up on you, take your loved ones.  Steal them.  And you can never fight it.  It's a dark shadow, and you're fucked.  The moment you're born, you're meant to die.  You live to die.  You die to live.  What else can you do, but sit around and waste time 'til it's your moment.  We're all just waiting to die.

I hate it.  I'm so scared.

I wish someone could hold me.  And tell me everything will be alright.  I'm going to "a better place".  I'll see Reggie and my grandma, and all my loved ones that I've lost.  That it's so beautiful.  But I wouldn't believe it.  I've heard that before.  It's a broken record.  Life carries on.  It won't.  And I'm so fucking scared.  I really want someone to hold me.

Will I be ready?  Will I know?  How will I know?  Will I feel the ache in my bones, the pressure of some dark spirit taking me away...the life being sucked out of me, slowly, or possibly quickly?  Will my kids take good care of me?  Will they appreciate all that I've done for them?  Will my husband never love another?  What if I go early?  What if it's a few years from now?  What if I pass before my sister, my parents.  What if I just got hit by a car.  Shot.  Who would cry for me?  My close friends?  My boyfriend?  My family, of course.  Who would really remember me?  Whose lives did I seriously affect, for the better?  Will someone laugh at my tombstone?  What would it even say on it?  "Our precious daughter, a loving sister."  "A wonderful mother and amazing wife."  Will I be special?  Who's really gonna give a shit, when it's all said and done.  Dust in the wind.

How am I supposed to bounce back from this?  His fur is everywhere.  I smell him.  I need him.  I feel his presence, I feel like I'll hear the clicking of his nails against the tile in the hallway.  Wake me up, Reggie.  Please be here.  Please be here when I wake up from this hell.

I just want to burry my head into my pillow some more.  Pain killers.  Dream.  Take me away from this fucking day already.  Just another reminder I'm a ticking time bomb.  We all are.

I felt him die, in my hand.  I felt the weight of his paw, fall heavily into my palm.  I felt it.  I gripped it.  It was soft and quiet.  I felt death.  I watched it.  I heard it.  I felt it.  I'll never forget it.  It took my best friend from me.  It took my grandma from me.  It's going to take everything from me.  And I can't do anything about it.  I'm a helpless thing, like every other living thing in this world.  Defenseless when it comes to death.

Death.

I wish I could speak with someone about this.  Lay with them.  Look at the sky.  They wouldn't judge me.  Or think they're wiser.  Better than me.  Just listen to me speak.  Let me tell them how I feel about this world, this life we call a gift.  But I'm always judged.  Another negative to my life right now.  No one accepts me for who I am anymore.

I've lost hope.

"You are calm and reposed, let your beauty unfold...pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones.  Spring keeps you ever close, you are second-hand smoke.  You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins..holding onto yourself the best you can.  You are the smell before rain.  You are the blood in my veins."