merge, merge, merge

high and tired. rolling around in my sheets, best feeling ever. smile.

Last night was nice, hung out with cassie, ramsey and matt. went to bj's, ate way too much. my stomach felt like it was going to explode. honestly. I had to unbutton my shorts. I just came home and laid down. ha, so full. club sandwich, fries and a pizookie. and almost two hours before that I had eaten at portillo's, a huge burger and fries. unbelievable. I'm invincible when I'm high.

Friday night was good, too. Julian came to hang with me after he got off work. our second date went nicely.

The weekends are so fun now. and school goes by so fast, lately at least. four hours a day, come home, sleep. the weekend. what a enjoyable routine.

drove a lot today. On a bunch of freeways, went to ikea. Bought a new comforter, super comfy. yum yum yum. then I went to panda express with my mom, I'm super full right now. just want to fall asleep.

but I guess I'll watch the grammy's. why not?

..so, I'm pretty sure I can take a hint. *sigh.

that's what you get. that's what I get.

the wicked witch is dead

My ears are ringing, it's quite annoying. I just feel so tired, agh.

I just got home from my little cousin's play, it was the wizard of oz. it was cute...I thought it would be all kids but there were older dudes and gals in it, too. Some were just horrible, but most were pretty good. the little kids were adorable, they were the munchkins. sooo cute, holy crap.

The past two days of school were finals for the first semester. I know I did well on the finals, they were pretty easy for me. I'm very pleased with my grades, I've got three B's and two A's. stoked, no one can bitch at me. weeeeeee. Got out at 9:15 this morning cause I only had to go to period one, so that was sweet. came home, got back in bed, where my cat was still waiting for me. adorable.

I went to the movies with mikey the other night. He came down to buena park with his friend cause she had to for work, so we hung out and saw sherlock holmes. it was nice seeing him, he's always fun to hang out with.

then I had my last driving lesson today, and that went well...I went on the freeway. I was fucking scared, but once I was on there, I ruled at driving. I like the freeway a lot, very big and spacious. lots of room to work with, ha. I take my test on february 8th, so excited. I'm hoping I do well, I think I will. Lots of places I'd like to drive to, a few special people. :)

No school tomorrow, but I have work. 12:30-8:30, hopefully I get off earlier. pretty sure I'm hanging out with julian, hopefully.

there's a lot of things I'd like to write, but it's the first time in a while that I feel somewhat...shy. an interesting feeling, I feel reserved and nervous. biting my tongue, holding back a lot. I just feel like I'm getting way too ahead of myself.

like always.

and unfortunately, lately I feel like I've created quite a few enemies...some are just old ones that have converted back to hating me, some new. it's a bummer. I wish I could change that, but I have to start by changing myself. I hate the situations I create for myself. but, you know. I'm stuck.

stuck. stuck. stuck.

I need something new. and I can taste it, it makes me smile and full of curiosity.

but of course, I shall bite my tongue.

keep quiet. and just wait. patience.

I wish I could simply state how I feel this exact moment, but I can't.

gotta keep quiet, hmmmmm.

question and answer

he sat naked and drunk in a room of summer

night, running the blade of the knife

under his fingernails, smiling, thinking

of all the letters he had received

telling him that

the way he lived and wrote about

that--

it had kept them going when

all seemed

truly

hopeless.

putting the blade on the table, he

flicked it with a finger

and it whirled

in a flashing circle

under the light.

who the hell is going to save

me? he

thought.

as the knife stopped spinning

the answer came:

you're going to have to

save yourself.

still smiling,

a: he lit a

cigarette

b: he poured

another

drink

c: gave the blade

another

spin.

the rooster crowed twice and you kissed me goodnight

Sunday morning. haven't moved, just laying here. my cat is right next to me, he has been all night. feels so good just to be wrapped up in my covers on a sunday morning.

I am in such a pleasant mood. Had a really good day yesterday.

The past few couple of days have either been intense, enjoyable, or a little unsettling. Thursday was really fun though, I went to chain and saw touche amore and creatures and some other bands. too fucking hot in there, man. but touche amore was great like always. and last night was ridiculously fun.

Yesterday julian came over and watched an education. I really liked it, carey mulligan is adorable, and the movie was really good. After that, we headed towards l.a. to see the black lips at the el rey theatre. we met up with sheilahn and her boyfriend, and headed inside. the el rey theatre is really sweet, all the reds and bright chandeliers were beautiful. The vibe in there was great, everyone was having a really good time. The band before the black lips was amazing, nobunny. the singer wore a bunny mask and danced in red undies, it was hilarious. by that time my high had already faded but I still felt it, and I danced and had a lot of fun. Then the black lips came on, and that was amazing. lots of 'dancing hooligans' and sweet beats. Dancing to those songs and having sheilahn next to me and julian with me was great, haven't had that much fun in a while.

Something pleasant is beginning, and I'm just going to enjoy whatever comes my way.

it wrapped up an interesting weekend, and I am very pleased. don't want to do much today, just lounge around, eat some donuts, and download some more tunes.

happy, happy little me.

it was never appropriate

Not so much the night I had planned. As happy as I was a few hours ago, I have completely broken down now. I wish I could push this all out of me, but it's gripping my insides. I can't let it go right now.

Everything started fun. I went with ramsey and matt to pick up cassie, and take her back here. we then went to jessica's house, her and michael were having a party. And it was fun, nice to see everyone, and a shitload of people I didn't know. but it was comfortable and entertaining. Everyone was singing and playing guitar and swaying to the music, it was fun. and everyone was drunk, just dancing to silly songs and made-up tunes. Megan stopped by and I tagged along with her to take tyler to david's house, where he was having a little party. Said hello to everyone, and saw steven, who was completely upset to see me. I was quite confused. and he just got up and shoved me so hard, I was shocked. he started cussing at me and saying some rude shit, and I was so surprised, I didn't know what to say. he was so disgusting, with spitting and whatnot. I've never experienced someone so ridiculously repulsive and childish, and extremely drunk talking to me like that. and I was so fucking high, I couldn't comprehend what was happening. ha. just in a state of awe right now. the rest of the night was okay. went back to jessica's, everyone was still singing and swaying. it was comforting somewhat. there was a little more drama there, but all is fine. I've just become comfortable with the fact that many people can't be around me, can't handle me for too long. it's understandable. sometimes I don't like being near myself either.

I've had so many mood changes in the past few hours. I just snapped out of whatever that just was. I was crying and feeling it for the first time in the past month or so. I felt the weight of it, it broke me down. it was absolutely pointless, but I felt every urge to do so. to do the idiotic thing, and start something that I obviously can never finish. there was no point. just an impulse I couldn't resist.

I act on impulse way too much. I wish I could stop. I really do.

I'm sorry for even starting a conversation with you. I still think of you and feel the disappointment and anger and hurt as I did when I broke it off with you. You fucked things for yourself, and I wish you didn't. I wish you wouldn't. but I do wish you the best of luck, and I hope things turn out how you'd like them to, for once. really.

but don't go talking back to the same people who once played an important part, a real negative part, in your life. in relationships that mattered to you, at one point. please, just don't. for yourself.

My eyes hurt. I don't understand myself right now. I think that mood has left me. I think my high is fading, my drunkenness is leaving me somewhat. now I just sit here on my bed and scratch my head. confused. what was the point of all that? why did I make myself feel that? force myself. a drag, a click, a sigh of resentment. there was absolutely no point.

I make no sense. and it bothers me every day.

The one time I tried to do something for someone other than myself, it blew up in my face. and I hadn't realized it was so serious 'til I thought about my actions. and I guarantee this makes sense to no one reading this. because it is so random, to me, to my thought process. random person. it wasn't necessarily you, but it was the situation. and you're not one who got away, because I let you, easily. there's that thing I can't control, and that's what makes my fingers curl and my thoughts run bitter. I'm a bitter person. If I can't have it, I will resent it. I will hate it. I will try to be a part of it, and when I do, when I succeed...and feel the success of feeling needed and gaining control, I lose all interest in continuing the process. there's no point to what I do. I understand myself, and yet I don't.

I know when I wake up, I will feel so confused and exhausted. I'm seeing the black lips tomorrow with julian. That shall be fun. I'm excited, for different kinds of reasons.

I should go to bed. My makeup is all over my face, it's quite amusing. Haven't felt like this in a few months. Just a random punch to the gut, lump in the throat. and it's passed. like a quick storm. thank goodness. I was losing my mind.

I'm the kind of person who needs distractions. and the distractions never satisfy me. because I'm an endless cycle of some fucked self-fulfilling thing. I can't explain.

I feel retarded. absolutely insane.

I just need to stop.

I want another blowpop. fuck, goodnight.

you don't ask for no diamond rings, no delicate string of pearls...

I'm happy right now. laying in bed with the heater blowing, my cat curled up next to me. my ideas are somewhat pleasing, but also complicated. I think it's because my shuffle is on, and this playlist is just suiting my moods perfectly.

tired, high, and full. ate way more than I should. I want a lollipop.

I wish I could be my cat. I know that sounds odd, but just watching him sleep, makes me so content. I would hang out with him all the time if I could. I do, almost every second I'm home. that sounds so creepy. ..don't judge me, monkey.

listening to the black lips. I'm gonna see them saturday, with julian. I'm trying to switch with someone on the schedule, so hopefully I do, because I already bought my ticket. and I really wanna go, that would be fun. :)

when I woke up this morning, my head hurt so bad...I was so miserable at school. screw the rain, too fucking cold. I felt like a cat in water, miserable! I can't deal with this at school. ugh. just want to stay in bed forever.

I don't mind the rain when I'm all wrapped up in my covers. I see it dripping down my window, appearing and strolling down the glass. it's peaceful. I dig it.

my eyes are starting to feel heavy. my body is drained, and I don't do anything. it's exhausting being so lazy. hard work.

it's intriguing and it's got my attention. the feeling I get running through my veins is sensational. who am I to reject potential bliss?

My predictions are the only things I have

I can amplify the sound and light and love.

nothing is real and nothing to get hung about

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see

It's getting hard to be someone, but it all works out...

it doesn't matter much to me.

_______ stop.

I'm really high. and it's the best feeling. my mom is yelling around the house "I can smell that from here!" she's not happy. but that's okay. she's rambling about it. boohoo.

I'm so hungry, but I know that would just be the cherry on top for her, to keep bitching some more. oooooof.

I smoked with zach and zach, ha. funny conversation, they're entertaining. I got off work late tonight, so mad. couldn't really do shit. but the weekend is already good. I hung out with Sheilahn and Julian yesterday. we smoked, and saw Youth in Revolt, which was very amusing to me. I liked it, I don't see why people are bitching about it. I had fun yesterday, I've missed Sheilahn so much. and I like julian, he's very nice and very cute.

I have shit to do for school, but I keep putting it off. fuck, I wish I could right now. but I just wanna eat and sleep.

........okay, I just made an easy mac, and I'm snackin' on some cool ranch doritos. in heaven.

I couldn't get you out of my head during work, so the time went by really fast. it was nice...I'm pleased. eight hours felt like two or three. positive thoughts.

moods are changing, the sky is brighter, things are more appealing now. to me.

what a change, what a change.

change is good. I've always looked down on it, well..most of the time. I need change. tired of sitting here, moping. watching you pass me by.

finally stretching my legs and putting this body to good use.

vertical.

it's time to fall asleep to the smiths. favorite.

how darkly the dark hand met his end

he was withered and boney, exposed for a phony

But we heed the last words that he penned,

"Haste to disgrace the traitor,

do not wait 'til later."

developed this in photo. shmeh shmeh. I enjoy being in the dark room very much. shadows, trusting your hands to guide you, the smell of the chemicals...lovely.

well, shit. Not sure what my mood is. My body's aching, aching, aching. I feel like a zombie again. just dragging myself, from room to room. eyelids burn. shoulders are sore, legs are weak. I thought I caught up on sleep, but three hours or so every night...not feelin' too good. I smoked earlier, and it didn't do shit, really. I was so bummed. maybe it's because I'm so fucking tired anyway, that I couldn't even tell. I can't keep my eyes open anyway. I was knocked out by fourth period today...it's quite awkward when you slide off your desk and awaken quickly, to see that the kids on the other side of the class are watching you. great, thanks.

Our phone calls really frustrated me. it doesn't matter what I say, you attack me so quickly. it doesn't matter, period. it can't be. I'm sorry, truly.

The pieces don't fit. they just won't.

I'm burning up in my room. I freeze the moment I step outside. the cold is just suffocating me. but right now, all I want is a cold glass of water.

I wish I could be ignorant. I'm sorry I don't let people walk all over me, sorry that I can't please you just for a night. I don't want to be an appetizer.

You have sucked all the mystery out of me. I feel predictable and overlooked, when I know that I could make you smile and feel like you've never before.

I don't like people. I really don't.

my mind is just eating away at me, I feel like I can never cut these ties. I feel attached to things that were ended long ago, and some more recent. why even bother? why even look back, and reflect, and feel?

why feel. why feel at all.

quite annoyed.

"I think if he got an erection, he'd cry."

I feel like it's been forever. but it hasn't. Days, maybe a week. Maybe a little more. Time is killing me right now. It's slow and painful, and a haunting reminder.

I wish it would leave my head. I wish you would leave my head.

School blows. I'm beginning to hate it. Starting to hate the people I called friends, but that always happens. Everyone just annoys me. All childish and rude and impulsive. Keep your filthy hands to yourself, you animals.

My mom hates me right now, because of my closet. I think I have a problem...seriously. Cleaning it is impossible. I feel like a hoarder. and that's a horrible feeling. Have you seen that show? fuck that.

Work sucks, too. Tonight was fun, but lately it's been lame. Drama with baby mamas. Starting to hate coming to work, and that's a bummer. I really did enjoy it at one time.

My stomach has been tossing and turning...I'm not sure if it's because the antibiotics or my horrible eating habits lately...I feel like my stomach is going to explode. It's so painful, and it won't move. It just sits and eats at me. It's hard not to cry. I laid on my mom's lap, as she stroked my hair, and it was comforting. but the moment I sat up, it returned. why, why, why.

I've been smoking so much. My eyesight is blurry and awkward, my thoughts are irrational. but when I smoke, I'm happy. The happiest I have been in a while. I see nothing, I hear the silence. I'm peaceful and and energetic at the same time. I feel...good.

Over the past few days of not having my computer, I thought about so many things to write.

but at the moment, my mind has gone blank.

I guess I'll come back to this later.

...time to watch true blood. addicting. screw twilight, this is some sweet vampire shit.