on the porch outside

I just smoked out my dog.

and my bird won't hang out with me.

I feel so lonely.  ha.

and the more alone I feel, the more high I get.

so I can't complain then..

I guess I'll take advantage of this stoned moment to clean out and organize my closet.

Be productive..

be be productive..

Sounded like a cheer in my head.

whatever.

My mom just walked by room and said, "Why does it smell like weed over here?  Kendall, did you smoke??"

"What? No, of course not."

And we kept going back n' forth, in a joking manner, and she says, "Kendall, your whole life smells like weed."

And we started busting up.

It's like my mom gets high off my high.

that's a bit gnarly.

Watching Pineapple Express when you're high makes it a lot funnier.

And Lonely Island videos are so good right now.

"Just 2 Guyz", "We Like Sportz"...perfect.

I feel a little better now.  no more headache, no more negative thoughts...

until my high fades away.

then, back to...it.

You kick the bucket, and I'll swing my legs.

what a pity

So it's been a week since I've blogged...and not that much has happened.

But then again, so much has...

or maybe it's all in my head.

I worked last weekend, and it was a bit busy, thanks to New Moon.  So many "team Edward", "team Jacob" shirts...I'm team fuck-twilight.  but I haven't found that shirt yet...but I'm pretty sure it exists, ha.  Some people that I worked with were being little bitches...I'm tired of floor leads favoring people because they wanna stick their dick in them.  but hey, what can I do.  Other people that I work with, like Ashley, Michael, Maria, Jonay, Charmaine..I love working with.  They make it fun, we all make it fun.  Thank goodness for them.

Cassie was down for the week.  I got to see her, and it was great.  She looked so good, she gets more beautiful each time I see her.  Cutest little face I've ever seen.  Met up with her at disneyland..best hug we've ever shared.  We jumped up and down in each other's embrace like little school girls, ha.  I've missed her so fucking much.  I need her.  Disneyland was fun.  We held hands and looked like lesbians, but really cute ones.  hehe.  Went on a few rides, then left an hour early.  Went to Mike Cesario's house, where Mike, Sabrina, Birdie, Taylor, Stephen, Jeremy, Riley, and a few other dudes were.  We all went to some mexican restaurant place, and Madison met us there.  Him and Birdie are so fucking funny together, it's ridiculous.  I haven't had that much fun in a while.  My stomach hurt, from laughing so hard.  Spent the night at Cassie's, and she took me home in the morning.  She'll be back in three weeks...I'm so excited.

More disneyland.  More hand holding.  More warm hugs.  More best friend talks.

More Cassie.  I need more Cassie.

There's nothing like being with your best friend.  She completes me.

I had that audition..it was quite the experience.  It's been a few years.  I couldn't even remember how to do the introduction on camera, or anything about the process.  But it didn't go bad or anything.  We got there almost two hours early..so we sat in the car for a little.  Decided to go in early to see if they'd just take me early, and they took me right away.  A sort of attractive dude, dressed pretty trendy, was sitting there by the sign-in sheet.  Looked at me and called me in to the room, where some other dude put me with "mother", "father" and it was supposed to be a "brother" but all they had was another girl, so she was the "sister".  It was for a sprint commercial, had to do with nascar.  I think I did alright, I only had like a few lines, but the guy filming us said we did a good job and thanked us for not doing it like babies, like other people had.  So that was cool.  Call-backs are tomorrow, I think...so hopefully I get a call or email.  I completely forget how they tell you about call-backs, ha.  It was such a rush, going in there, being judged...I kind of missed that.  Can't wait to start driving, get back into this..I like the thrill.

I have nothing exciting going on right now.

This wasn't that great of a break.  I'm just bummed.

I miss my friends.  I'm going to start going out more again.  I need to stop being such a homebody.  Am I doing it because I enjoy it, or because I'm afraid of being yelled at?  Because you'll get upset...I've lost sight of what I enjoy and what I force myself to enjoy.

I picture myself in a completely different social situation.  I think I'm better than where I am....at home.  Doing nothing.  Being nothing.

Really bums me out.

I just need that car.  and I swear my life will be different.

I know it.  fuck those who doubt me.

Kyle was here for almost the whole week.  It was nice in the beginning...but it just got worse.  We got to the river, which was supposed to be pleasant...and all we did was bitch.  We fought so much, it was so emotionally exhausting.  I am drained.  Yelling, arguing, crying...my head hurts, spinning in circles.  We've never fought so much.  I love you, but something's wrong.  and it's really getting to me.

I feel like our plans aren't lining up anymore.  It's different.

I think we spent too much time together...and all our issues were just surrounding us.  Other people, texts, your struggles, my parents...it wore us down.  We just need time and space.

I need time and space.  I need sleep.  I need friends.  I need tylenol.  I need to smoke.

I need to bury my head into the comforting dents I've created in my pillows and take my mind somewhere else.

I need...I need so much.  But it's so hard to say.  to tell you.  anyone.

I want...I want so much.  And it's the same.  I can't say anything.

because I haven't figured out how to say it.

words.  words.  words.

I'm drawing a blank.

Next paycheck, I'm buying paint supplies and more weed.  Maybe some clothes.  Things that make me happy.

I'm gonna get lost in my mind.  I already am, but I'll make it a positive experience..

My fingers have run out of energy...I'm done.

fucking twihards

I decided, why not write.  What else is there to do, to occupy my time.  my mind.

I could sleep.  Heaven knows I need to sleep, my eyelids are burning and my eyelids are heavier than ever.

I'm eating chocolate donuts like they're my last meal, ever.  One after another, my mouth is dry and my jaw is sore.  Funny thing is I'm not even hungry.  My stomach's growling, groaning at me to stop.  I just feel so...empty.  Bored.  Blank.  I've got nothing.  I feel nothing right now.

I just want to sleep.

I'm not in a bad mood.  I'm not in a good mood.

I'm just in my bed, on my computer.  Doing nothing.  Feeling nothing.  Being nothing.

This week has been quite lame...school has turned into quite a drag lately.  I feel that none of the counselors actually do their job, which is counseling students.  They're always somewhere else.  And my classes just got boring.  Government is a drag because my teacher's sense of humor has really started to annoy me..and English isn't fun anymore because the work we're doing isn't enjoyable or worth it, to me.  Take me back to week one, week two.  At least I still have all A's.  No one can bitch at me this year.  I've got my shit on lock.

My old manager called, told me I have an audition for Saturday..err, today.  Around 3.  I have work at 5, but I'll be a little late.  I sort of miss auditions...the spontaneous outcome when you walk into the room to talk to three big adults and act like you can act, put on a smile and be the most adorable, charming kid you can be.  Now that I'm older, I think that I'll do a lot better at this.  I was the cutest kid, which landed me all my commercial and tv show roles before...but once I got to my awkward tween stage, I had no self-confidence.  I couldn't stand sitting in a room, waiting to have my name called, waiting with thirty other cute girls, I was so intimidated.  I couldn't do it anymore.  Now, I don't give a shit.  I think I could definitely jump back into it.  Good thing I'm still a part of SAG and that my manager still likes me.  Once I start driving in December, I'll definitely let him know I want back in.

Was supposed to pick up tonight, but I guess I will tomorrow.  Hap-pee-ness.

The moments where I feel like I'm sinking into myself, questioning it all.

I enjoy every second.

I worked the New Moon midnight showing last night.  Fucking insane, over 4,000 people...all eighteen theaters were full.  Holy fuck.  I've never seen such long lines for the concession stand.  Got home a little before two, I think.  Didn't even get to sleep 'til four...and I guess some assholes prank-called my house around four, definitely pissed off my mom.  I hate childish people like that.  I can understand calling someone's cell phone if you want to be an immature dick and you find prank-calls funny, but calling their house?  seriously...come on.  That's just rude.

Worked again tonight.  New Moon has fucked up our theatre, the lines to get into a theatre are ridiculous.  So many fucking people still, and it'll be like that for over a week.  I don't even want to say "maybe more."  But tonight was really entertaining.  Sold hearts with Jonay most of the night, drooled over Steven all night, too.  I hate that he's leaving in December...tear.  ha, such a hot manager.  Anyway.  We sold a shitload of hearts, and had a lot of fun doing it.  We sang our old favorite jams like "poison".  Catchy as fuck, brah.  Good times.

Got to get up early...got that audition, then work right after.

and Cassie's back in town, I'm sad I can't see her tomorrow, but hopefully I can after work maybe, or definitely Sunday.  Screw momo day, she better come out and play.

Have this whole week off of school.  That rules pretty hard.  I have work Wednesday and Thursday, on thanksgiving.  Meh, I don't really care..it's just a dinner.  Plus, I get holiday pay.  Love my life, at work.

I need sleep.  My body's begging me.

goodnight.

stickers

I just want to stick my head in a hole, and let it all blow over.

But it just continues...a vicious cycle.  can't defeat it.

Blow after blow after blow...I am so weak.  wobbly.  unstable.

On the verge of breaking down constantly.

just biting my lip.  because hope keeps pushin' on.

I want to say it's the distance, but it's so much more.

I can't win.  and you won't let me.

You can do whatever you want.  whenever.  it's all excused.

and you bitch and groan about what I do, when you do the same.

the exact same.  it's no different.  we're no different.

If I'm crazy, then you're just as fucking crazy.

I can't fucking stand you sometimes.  really.

alexander

down and out

"The harpoon is loaded.  The cage is lowered.  The water is red.."

Like you, like you.

total benefit

being super stoned because your manager smoked you out after six hours of work of just handing out gold pins and not doing shit, rules. hard.

smoking is the only thing that makes me happy lately.

screw everything/everyone else.

"is your cat making too much noise!?"

watching the "kitten mittens" episode of it's always sunny in philadelphia and a brand new tosh.0 when I'm super high is the best thing I've done all week.

the happiest I've been.

time for work, faaaantastic.

"..it's called a glaze"

Forget my last post.

I just don't know what to say anymore.

We're on the phone right now, and we just fought for over three hours. I am so exhausted. It's the same old cycle. We can't escape it.

We just have to work around it, I guess. because I didn't work this hard for over a year, and go through all these struggles with you, just to say, "hey, we tried. let's just go our separate ways."

I can't handle that. I won't. I won't let that happen.

And after all that arguing, crying, bickering..we're having a normal conversation again.

I'm listening to you ramble about cooking. You sound like a nut, but I enjoy every second.

I wish things could sound like this all the time. Simple, happy, talkative. But we're not like that most of the time...we bicker, pick each other apart, lie, scheme, play william tell. it's so frustrating. Always fighting with you. almost never at peace. When does it end?

You act like I'm always putting you down. I don't understand why you can't see that I just fucking care for you, and I hate when you involve yourself with drugs, and fuck yourself up. I hate when you put yourself in such shitty situations. I just want the best for you. always.

I am not childish. I can't stand when you belittle everything about me. it's completely unfair..you don't get to act like an adult when you're far from it as well.

I wish you'd acknowledge my feelings. Realize that they're much more than what you call "jealousy." There is no jealousy here. and I mean that honestly. It's distrust, it's uncertainty, it's insecurity, it's worry, it's fear. It's so much more. and you belittle it all. to put yourself so high, when we're really at the same level. but you'll never admit it.

I don't want to be at war with you all the time.

I don't want to play william tell forever.

A glaze. We need a glaze. ha. something that will always make this taste better, make the outcome that much sweeter. something that will please us both. a compromise.

I'm waiting for you to make a move, so I can decide what I want to do in my future. Remember how it used to be you "building your life around me"? It seems it's the other way around now. You won't consider how I feel about anything you're doing, and I'm the one who has to manage my wants and needs around your new life. that you 'have to do'.

they looked like strong hands

This isn't who I am..

from confidence to self doubt in sixty seconds

storming stages and stereos, from here to there,

trying to prove that I belong

trying to win approval from people that I don't know..

And I look so strong,

when the weight of all the world don't take it's toll

And I'd choose my side,

if I believed in what was right..

but I'm all wrong

I'm not larger than life, I'm not taller than trees

do I mean what I say, or is it just this disease..

where I never go home

Never telling the truth, how this life eats away

not admitting I'm fake

and I'm questioning whether this whole thing was worth it,

to die poor and all alone

..just don't tell me this doesn't mean the world,

cause my ears would bleed and my heart would hit the floor.

bayside never gets old.