I feel like a different person. It sounds stupid, but I really do feel different. I've become something I never thought I would be just a few years ago. I love who I am now though. and I don't like who I was then. I just wanted to write that. Makes me feel better.
One thing I like about the me now. I have fun. I'm really enjoying everything I do, it's funny. Everything is funny to me. I just feel nicer. I have a totally different perspective now, and it's entertaining to me. Like at this moment, I'm watching Boots run all over the mirror on the floor. He was being an asshole earlier and knocked over my mirror that I had leaned against my couch. It's like long and skinny sort of, like a rectangle. And yeah, he's running all over it, leaving cute paw-prints for me to see when I turn the lights on. He sees the kitty in the mirror. It's really funny. He's hilarious, I really love that cat. He makes me happy, when I feel like total shit. It keeps me level-headed. And I also enjoy the fact that I listen to Say Anything every minute I can. Whenever I'm near my computer, or every single time I'm in my car. I plug my ipod in and push play to return to my Say Anything shuffle. I have almost every song by them, I'm sure. There's so many on there. and even sometimes, I'll just sing really good choruses from my favorite songs by them. I'm so in love with max, it's funny. I just enjoy everything he says. I just saw them last night, and it was awesome. I went to the house of blues by myself to see them play with saves the day and motion city soundtrack. valencia opened, I had no idea who they were. And I didn't really like them when they played. really started killing my high. I was surprised motion city was headlining, I was totally expecting it to be saves the day or say anything. I've seen saves the day once before at bamboozle a few years ago, and it ruled. they were good this time, too. but I just felt a different vibe. then max came out next and I was so happy. first time seeing them, and it ruled. too many fatties where I was standing so I went to the back for the rest of the set. I don't give a shit about being close, the house of blues is small anyway. I'd rather watch him comfortably standing up somewhere in the back. watching him sing is fucking awesome. I had a lot of fun. I met a few cool people, and I even got asked for my number. I sat alone against a planter between sets and I probably looked really dumb. haha. Then I went home and hung out with a friend from work, we watched gangs of new york. I went to bed around 6 or something, oof.
But, I still dislike the things I do as the new me. I waste time. I waste so much time, it's ridiculous. I really procrastinate to the final minutes, I lounge around and just choose to forget. It's weird, I'm so lazy. I'm so apathetic to it. It's 2 in the morning. I just smoked way too much out of my bong (which I absolutely enjoy every second of. I know it just sounds so dumb but I'm just sitting, and being calm. Taking deep breaths, relieving myself of thoughts about important things at that very moment, enjoying the silence outside on my backporch. I just think of the weirdest shit. Weird stories. Nothing relevant to what's going on in my life. It's so funny to me.) And then when I'm done, I go back in the house and go back to all the important things going on. I'm retarded though, I have an essay to do right now. and shit to study for. and I smoked, and now I just want to do other things that I shouldn't write about. I'm wasting time. But I can't move, I'll just keep sitting here.
Another thing, I am constantly needing confirmation. I ask so many goddamn questions, and they usually repeat. A lot, actually. I'm constantly google'ing and checking and asking. It's driving me insane. I am a dictionary and thesaurus maniac. my brain literally hurts.
also, I am currently in a vicious battle with my cats. every few minutes I have to run out to the kitchen and break up jerry and boots going at it. I don't know which one's being the asshole and starting it but it's really annoying. I break them up, scare them away, and run back to my room. Start typing again and get really into it. Then I hear one of them cry like a little bitch, and I'm like ffffffffuuuu. Run out there, find one of them, scare him away or whatever. Turn off the lights again and run into my room and get comfy. Then do it all over. Giving me such a headache right now. I just want to pass out.
I'm exhausted. I'm so unhealthy. and that makes me really unhappy.
I don't see anything changing. I don't see anything getting better, or anything getting worse. I don't have any passion that would turn into a career. I don't know why I said that. I have passions. Sort of. My priorities are really fucked up.
Alright, I need to write this stupid essay. I just want to cry, I hate myself for doing this. Ughhhhhhh. I avoided this goddamn essay for a week. Right down to the very night of, and the day of I don't really have much time to write it anyway. Wait. I'm starting to think about it. I think I want to write it in the morning....instead of right now. I'll just sort of start it tonight, and then really finish it tomorrow. I feel relieved. Now I'm going to do other shit and stay up still. Great.
This was a really dumb post. I can't believe I wrote all this. I was way higher than I thought. Fuck. I wasted an hour. Hahaha. All I can do is laugh. This is funny to me.
But then when I'm not laughing, I feel bored. And lonely. And judgmental. Back and forth, push and pull.
I need sleep. I need food. My diet is fucking crazy. I don't really eat much. I go days waiting 'til midnight to eat. It's strange. I don't think I feel very good. I can't tell because I avoid thinking about it until I smoke. and then I can't tell if I'm just making up shit because I'm high, or if I actually feel like shit. Then I get really upset with myself.
I just feel weird lately.
Not every single day is like this, just so you know. I have good days. Where I eat and something good happens, and I'm in a good mood. and I actually do shit. I get responsible and stay productive. This is an off day for me. This is just one of those days.
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