Okay, now I want weed to be legalized for only one goddamn reason...drug dealers suck. As you get older, they get shittier. It's a fact. I mean, if you're going to be a drug dealer, then do your job correctly. Quit being so goddamn sketchy and lagging so hard. Don't be a drug dealer if ya can't keep your clients happy. It's a business, dude...that's all I'm saying.

Anyway, I'm feeling good. That's all that matters. Keep hearing the same songs but I don't feel the same way anymore, and I'd say that's a good thing. I could just be avoiding it but regardless, it's definitely a good thing. Smiling!

It's been raining a lot, so I've been thinking...a lot. I can get nostalgic and bitter, but mostly I am apathetic and bored. I feel like my cat, he is always trying to play with whatever he can find. Making fun of something that's not very fun at all. I really attempt to be optimistic and hopeful. Playful. But I feel that it can be quite unfulfilling when it is only one-sided. Nobody wants to play.

You give and you give, and you get nothing back. Only time wasted. And another lesson learned, oy.

I work Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. YES! I love money. I'm fine with working Christmas eve and Christmas night, I'm all about that holiday pay. I don't care much for the holidays.

I don't know where you've been. Sometimes I wonder, sometimes I care. Most of the time I am happily not giving a shit. But sometimes, I just get so bothered thinking about those pathetic conversations we've had. It crawls under my skin; you are just the itch I cannot scratch. I hate it!

My attitude keeps changing. At this very moment, I...

I don't know. I am puzzled. I am in a pickle. But I am still extremely content with everything!

I'm going to Max Bemis' solo show in February and am really fucking stoked. I seriously can't wait. Going alone to this one as well and it's going to be beautiful. I bought my ticket the first second I could. Ah!

And other than work I don't have that many responsibilities for the next few weeks. That really makes me smile. I love my bed.

I feel relief. I found my car key and house key! I couldn't find 'em, and the only place they could've been was Ashley's car and Kristin's house. After a whole day and a half of my mom constantly reminding me that I'd have to pay $300-400 for a new key, uh...yeah, I'm very fucking happy right now. Phew.

It's been raining a lot and it's pretty cold. The days blur together but I sincerely do not care. I'm in a daze and I don't want to think about anything; I just want to forget.

Why does everyone have to be so sketchy lately? Don't say it if ya don't mean it. Just don't say anything at all! Everyone's got a secret agenda and I just find it really annoying, and I wish that I wasn't involved in any way. I am so tired of mind games...I hate that these kind of people make everything so difficult for me. They are the sketchiest people I know and they completely exhaust me.

And I don't know why I keep refreshing the page thinking something will change. Something new, something I want to read. But it doesn't, and I don't really feel anything anymore.

I'm just getting over everything, and that makes me happy. Very happy.

The cat has decided to take a nap and stick to daydreaming instead. Sleep is more comforting.

Also, I'm in a great mood because "Fabio" won Survivor. I have loved him the whole time and I am stoked he won, he deserved it more than anyone. He was completely genuine and so lovable...and he's such a babe, holy crap.

BABE. I want him, I really do.

inch by inch

So now I'm forging ahead past all the plutocrats who sold me out. Go sob in your bed if life is twice as pretty once you're dead, then send me a card - I'm still the optimist, though it is hard when all you want to be is in a dream.

Meow?

I feel good. I am getting over being sick I think, and I haven't even started the antibiotics yet. Went to the doctor to hear about my blood work, found out I have to come back every week for a month for shots. And then once a month after that. Yay! Needles suck so bad...but hey, vitamins are cool.

The Christmas work party is tonight, I'm excited. Free food, free food, free food, free food...yum. Last year's was so funny, I hope everyone goes to this one. And today is Cassie's birthday! Can't wait to see her.

Then I plan to go to my friend's birthday party Saturday and hang out with all my coworkers again. The last few times I've heard about the pukers, and I am excited to finally witness these friends get drunk. And Ashley's coming down for the weekend, so everything is gonna be fun.

I know the cat and mouse game may have already ended, but the cat still wants to play.

Took the last two finals today. So glad it's over. Now I have like a month or so to not care about anything.

I'm scheduled to work Friday, Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday. And then my friend Nick asked me to pick up his shift Saturday. I'm stoked. I just want to work and not think about anything. Being at work is fun. I like work. Work likes me.

I'm always right, goddamnit. Go fuck yourself and leave me alone.

Sick as a dog.

All of a sudden I can't breathe, it's either way too hot or too cold, and I've got this annoying cough that really hurts my throat. I have spent almost every hour in bed today, besides the trip to Walgreens or sitting in the living room. Fuck being sick, it really screws with any other plans I had. Not like I planned to do much today anyway, but regardless - I hate feeling like this. UGH!

Tomorrow's my last two finals. Thank fucking goodness.

Despite how I feel physically, I'm quite alright emotionally. All is well. Still not givin' a fuck, and it still rules.

Sometimes I don't know where my head is, but then I quickly realize it doesn't matter. I don't want to know.

I really, really, really, really, really do not want to know.

jogging over skulls and leg bones

I am cheerful I guess. I highly doubt it's because it's christmas time, but who knows. I'll admit the christmas lights on our street makes me smile. I love the lights around the trees, it makes driving down this street so much more enjoyable.

The first hour or so of my day wasn't anything to smile about. I woke up groggy, due to the late night I had. I wrote my art history teacher a long email regarding my grade, pleading my case to have her somehow add 2% to my grade. I also mentioned other things, like how unhappy I was with my museum paper grade, and I made a lot of solid points as to why I deserve that measly 2%. I then woke up early to go speak to her in her office and she's only there for an hour. I get there and I see my email enlarged on the screen, and she tells me she does not discuss grades over email. Ugh. Long story short - she completely rejected me in the span of three minutes. Came home and cried a little more, mostly because I'm just upset with myself for being foolish and fucking up. It's obviously my fault, I can't blame the teacher. Although I did make good fucking points...

Anyway, I then turned that frown upside down and decided I should be in a good mood. I cleaned for the cleaners (still never makes sense to me), ate pizza, got electrolyte-d in the face for an hour (didn't hurt like I thought it would), dropped my mom off at the movies and went to the gym, took a really long shower, ate a sandwich and some sour patch kids, reorganized some crap in my room, blah blah blah. I'm in a good mood, that's all that matters.

I get to sleep in this morning. Well, I have the opportunity to...but I know that someone is going to ruin it. Someone's going to wake me up early by being too noisy or coming in my room, I fucking know it! I have work at 5, selling hearts with Robert. The Chronicles of Narnia comes out tomorrow so I assume it could be busy.

Alright, I'm over lurking. I can't lurk anymore. Too much. It's never-ending...click, click, click, click, click, click...this link, that link...read, read, read...click, click, click, click...

And to be truthful, some of the things I find give me anxiety. I don't know how to explain it. The drop-in-your-stomach kind of feeling. Or even just the oh-god-of-course-you-did feeling; it can be so unsettling.

I wonder what I'll dream about tonight...

Two weeks ago I stayed up eight hours writing the perfect essay to turn in to my art history class. Got it back tonight, she gave me a 72. The only thing she had to critique me on was sources. That's it. I didn't have enough sources. I wrote this beautiful fucking essay and quoted and sourced what I needed to, and she wrote "Source?" on each page. Nothing else though. How do you score a low fucking C on an essay when you meet every criteria on the prompt, and you're supposedly only missing a few "sources"? After this essay, the final exam (score: 70.5), and the final group project (score: 100%) were inputted into the grade, the final grade is a 68%. I'm off by two percentage points. As I walked out of class I immediately started crying. Drove home crying. Got in bed and cried some more. Yeah, I'm upset I didn't pass, but really I'm fucking mad cause I spent so much time on these last few projects, only to come up short. How do you get docked 28 points for supposedly not having enough sources, and that's the ONLY thing wrong with your essay? That essay is 20% of my grade, so yeah, it's really fucking important to me. Ugh, I'm so pissed.

Does anyone want to come over and hold me while I cry into my pillow? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Now I'm in a shitty mood, and I just want to eat and eat, but I'm not even that hungry. I just want to stuff my face and devour my feelings. I'll probably go to In-N-Out. I deserve a good cheeseburger to go with a good cry. And maybe some good fries, too. Maybe even a good chocolate shake.

system software

I am tired.

I stayed up late last night being productive, but mostly I just productively procrastinated. After I spent hours creating an easy list for myself to refer to while registering this morning, I then took a shower, watched the new Glee, smoked and ate macaroni and cheese and sour patch kids, lurked on facebook, and ultimately wasted time. By 4:30, I realized I should just go to bed.

My alarm went off at 7:15. I initially had planned to wake up early and finish the research/report for my last group project (due tonight), but I just laid there. 8:00, spent two hours registering for classes. I fucking hate registering, everything I really need is never open. I still got classes that qualify me to transfer to a cal-state, but I really need English 100 and Communications 100. Maybe next semester. After completing registration, I worked on the research shit. Then I studied for my final exam in my computer information systems class at 11. I scored average on the exam, and got a C for the class. Ugh. Now I'm finishing the research, then I need to get ready for class. I look like shit. I have not worn make-up or styled my hair in the slightest bit for the past few days. Maybe week? The week days feel so slow. I get out of bed, brush my teeth, throw on the same brown pants and whatever band t-shirt is hanging up still. Same old American Apparel hoodies, same old shoes. I really stopped caring about how I look, because I'm just too busy worrying about other things. I drag my feet through the week days, just stumbling along. I'm losing sleep again. I wake up early and exhausted, and annoyed. I'M TIRED.

Eh. I thought I could sleep in tomorrow and I was really excited, but my group wants to meet at 12. Goddamnit. The final project, due Wednesday. Then art history is over....fuck yes!

Took the last test in English tonight. Next week is the last class and it's the final exam, we have to write an essay in class. In-class essays are my kryptonite...there is nothing I struggle with more than having to write a well thought-out essay within an hour. But actually he told us we have three hours to write it, so if it takes me all fucking three hours, then so be it. It's going to suck so bad.

I didn't realize what the date was, and the significance of it, until facebook informed me. Eh, more like the insignificance. I do not care.

I basically cleaned out my whole room. I cleared out everything under my bed, everything out of my bathroom, boxed up a bunch of shit and reorganized my closet. My dad told me he's finally going to remodel my room (like it should've been a few years ago.) Completely redoing the bathroom, giving my room hardwood floors, painting my walls, new windows. Finally.

I've got a lot on my mind, but I don't care. I just don't care anymore!

Instead of poking someone on facebook, I wish it would let me send them the middle finger. C'mon, that's funny.

bad night

Well...I had a dream that someone's ex-girlfriend paid some mexican witch/gypsy lady to curse my bed. I caught her with her hand under my sheet, shoving twelve bucks as far down as she could. No fucking idea what that means, but she cursed my bed and the ex-girlfriend was crazy, and then everything in my life starting sucking really hard. Just everything really really really sucked. I don't remember much else, but the whole dream was really fucking weird. All my dreams lately freak me out...I need to stop smoking before bed...

Plus I eat sour patch kids when I'm in bed waiting to fall asleep. Must be a sugar high or something. I want normal dreams again, everything lately is dramatic and suspenseful and painful...and I always wake up with anxiety. Anyway...

I also woke up several times in the middle of the night and this morning because I was too fucking hot. I don't know what's going on but I felt like I had a fever, everything was too hot and the sheets were killing me. And I was sweating and it took so long to fall back asleep, blah blah blah...felt like shit.

I don't know what the hell is going on with me, but it's pissing me off...

Work called and said I don't have to come in tonight. I was kind of glad to hear that, I felt like absolute shit and didn't want to talk to people all night. So today I'm going to have a "me" day, where I do productive things for myself. After my shower and chicken noodle soup, I'm going to a few stores and buying shit I need, and then coming home and cleaning my room. Well, I hope I clean my room...but I'm definitely doing homework.

What's a weekend anyway? The weekends are never weekends to me...I don't really do anything anymore. (Sigh.)

It's only 1:30...woooooo.

they've got the army of ears

Hung out with Kayla for a few hours tonight which was nice. I haven't seen her for a few months so it was nice to catch up and talk and smoke. I haven't really talked to anyone from Kennedy since school ended, besides Ashley of course. I knew it would be that way. High school sucked.

(The only thing I miss is...there was nothing else to think about besides high school. No bills, no car insurance crap, taxes, gas, college crap, your future...ugh. As much as I hated the whole experience, I miss the ignorance. I didn't have to think about any of this shit, just what I was going to wear the next morning and how I would get home from school that day. Easy living.)

Growing up is painfully enjoyable. I can't say I don't enjoy the push and pull though.

Yesterday I drove to Thousand Oaks to spend the night at Ashley's house. Being home alone with her in that big house was really fun, it made me realize how fun moving out together will be. I like that we were laughing the whole night. I wish I could write all the special moments, but I don't have the energy. I'm so exhausted. Ugh...I'm always exhausted.

Didn't lose my mind though. Maybe some other time.

Got stuck in traffic today on my way home but I made it in time for work at five. Got sent home at seven due to how dead it was, there weren't any great releases this weekend. Close tomorrow and Sunday, selling heart pins with Robert. Such an easy shift, yessssssss. Money rules, my paycheck today ruled. And the next one's going to rule, too. Having money is the best feeling. Well...maybe not the "best" feeling, but it's certainly a good one.

I can't stop eating. I've been eating so much. With Ashley, we devoured pizza, cheese sticks, candy, brownies with ice cream...and then this morning we went to her work at Mimi's Cafe. I got turkey club sandwiches with fries, and ate a lot of bread. Came home, ate pizza again. And I have this huge bag of sour patch kids that I've been eating for the past few days. (It was a great idea to drive to Walmart just for these the other night, go me.) I really hope I gain some weight, I miss being bigger. I am so tiny now, it drives me crazy.

Okay, time to watch some shows and pass out.

Max Bemis...I love you.

"The time has come for colds and overcoats"

Hi. I am feeling relieved. Time has finally slowed down and I am back to normal. I can breathe again.

Tonight was the art history final exam. I studied all morning and I think I did alright. I'm sure I missed a few, but it's certainly better than the other exams I've had in there. Hopefully I get a decent grade, because if I bomb this one...I'm fucked. Anyways...happy thoughts, happy thoughts! School is almost over and winter break is almost here, I can taste it. I can't wait to sleep in. Sleep all day, every day.

I have a doctor's appointment in the morning, I need to get some blood work done. Blah blah blah, I'm still unhealthy, blah blah blah. I'm trying to be healthier. I'm doing better now though. Went to see the doctor a few days ago and got things prescribed to me to help, blah blah blah. It's just annoying now. I need to go to the gym again. I will once school ends, I swear...don't judge me.

I'm just trying to be positive, that's all. Things don't seem so dramatic with my newfound perspective. I'm such a bitch now, but it keeps me feeling good so that's all that matters. I come first. I'm the only person who truly gives a shit about me.

Unfortunately I've realized how skeptical I am. I just can't believe a word anyone says anymore. Just quit feeding me bullshit and we'll be fine. Don't make this harder than it has to be.

Don't have much to do right now. I guess I'll take a shower, pass some time. Procrasterbation will be the death of me. Just kidding, sort of.

I just don't want to care anymore. These past few months have been hell I guess. I've been all over the place. And now, with this new attitude, I feel invincible again. I don't want to care. I don't want to worry. I don't want to feel paranoid, or anxious, or disappointed. And no more overanalyzing, that's over with. Expect a happier, bitchier me. I now give zero fucks and I like it that way.

It's officially December. It gets too fucking cold sometimes, I hate it! And all this Christmas music is silly, it's been playing since the beginning of November. I really don't care about this holiday. I guess I'm just bitter. It's been five years since we've had a Christmas where we were all truly happy. I wish my grandma and Reggie were still here. That's the only wish I've got for Christmas.

Winter time is loneliness's best friend. It's cold and miserable and bitter. I've always been lonely, but now I see it in a different light. I like being alone. I really do.

Alright, time to cure this headache.

Tomorrow, I'm going to lose my mind!