Life is good. Real good. Just had my third interview at the House of Blues. I'm totally hired. I can't wait to work and make money (and hopefully save a lot of it) this summer. I hope I can keep the theater too, we'll see I guess. BUT YAYAYAYAY LIFE RULES!

People can be so pathetic. I'm glad I'm awesome. This summer is going to be awesome as well.

I switched over to tumblr, and I find it much more entertaining.

See ya later bitches.

I'm figuring out what I want to do with myself. Sort of. I've got two job opportunities, one at the House of Blues and one at Chain Reaction. What are the odds of that. I feel that I have a much greater chance of being hired at HOB, but regardless I just want another damn job already. This hiring process just drags on and on. I just want money. More money please and thank you.

I've been getting a lot of hours at the theater lately cause it's summer; not a bad thing. Maria keeps scheduling me to close every night of the weekend though and it's getting tiring. I'm tired of going out late, I want to have a full night to hang out n' stuff. Man. I wanna keep the theater as a second job just because I love the place so much. I don't wanna lose my friends or the security I have there, I'd be so bummed.

Shit happens. Life has been quite the ride lately, but I can't say that I'm not pleased with the aftermath of it all. Bad things happen to good people, and I'm content with all the shitty things that have happened because it's made me realize who my true friends are. And how awesome I am, and how much you suck.

I've missed several old friends and faces, and I plan on seeing them more often. I'm jumping into summer with a really good attitude. Free as a bird. I just wanna have fun and be with my friends....and hopefully get a tan.

I also have some unfinished business to take care of. Slowly but surely...

makeshift militia

I'm dropping a class. Algebra. In order to pass it, I have to get a certain amount of points...and there is no way I can. I need to bone out now before Sunday, it's the last day to drop. Gonna take it over next semester, with a different teacher I hope. I know I can't blame anyone but myself for failing, but I will blame the teacher for a few things (yes, it's childish to do, but whatever. She was pregnant and a little too moody for me) ... also, I hated the font she used on the tests. Completely threw me off. Yes, all legitimate excuses to me... Other than failing one class, I have an A and two B's. I'm pleased with myself...that's all that matters, right?

Man. I'm tired of arguing, and it feels like I've been arguing a lot lately. With quite a few people. Parents especially. We argue about the dumbest things sometimes...

Biting my lip from now on. Nodding my head and playing along. Blah blah blah.

Don't get me wrong, I love arguing. I thoroughly enjoy it. But as of this moment I'm sooooo over it. I'm tired of picking and choosing my words, walking on eggshells, etc... I get massive headaches. Yay weed!!!

I'm not being very rational lately. It's hurting my head.

Things seem to be looking up, but then I don't know. The House of Blues is going to hire me, but it's taking so long. I just need the job already, I need the money. And I want a Disneyland pass already!

Tomorrow night I'm working the midnight showing for Fast Five. Barf. Good thing I'm box office, I'll only be there for like three hours. Then I close Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. Woe is me.

Wooooooeeeee.

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heavy chest

Up and down lately. I'm pretty much failing my algebra class. I need to do really well on the next two exams. I'm not in a good mood about it.

Very annoyed. Very discouraged.

My birthday's coming up, too bad it's on a Thursday. That Friday Cassie and Ashley are gonna plan something with me, I'm just happy we're all gonna hang out. Jerrod said he got me a really cool gift so I'm excited to see it. What a sweetheart.

Next Monday my friend Bryant is shooting me in some band t-shirts for some company. He asked if I'd be down...duh. I'm just happy he's shooting me, he rules.

I've got work at 6 tonight, I'm off a little before 11. Thank god I'm in box office all the time now. Hopefully hanging with Jerrod after I get off.

I just want spring break to be here already, I want a week off of school. That sounds so pleasant.

---Nothing.

Realizing lately it's always better when you don't say anything at all. Ignorance IS bliss indeed.

Bite your lip! Hold your tongue! Just shut up. Wait.

I am losing focus. Eh, I can't even say I'm losing it because it's already gone. I can't focus.

Having a fun social life and spending lots of time with my boyfriend has made me stupid. I was always a procrastinator but now I do things so half-ass that I know it won't turn out right in the end, yet I continue to just swing it. Go with it. "You'll do fine!" "Don't worry about it." "You know this crap." No, what I should have done was actually complete the homework, give a shit about what I'm learning, and not put everything off 'til the morning of. I know I bombed my test today in my algebra class, and she gave me 0 points for the homework. I didn't show any work. I can fucking do those problems in my head...but I did copy some of 'em from the back of the book. But still, I did most of 'em in my head. So I'm not happy. I shouldn't even be in this stupid class, I passed algebra 1 and 2 in high school, why the fuck am I in this class anyway...oh yeah, I couldn't pass the placement test. Just found out today though if you tell them you've already completed those that they'll place you where you need to be placed. Glad I'm in the class for no reason then.

I lost focus. I want it back.

I can't blame anyone but myself though. I just get so lazy.

I'm hanging with Cassie today, thank goodness. I need Cassie-time. It's so fucking hot today, I want to go to the beach but I'm sure there'll be plenty of other hot days to go. I just need a tan, bad.

I've been working decent hours, I usually stay my full shift. And I'm picking up shifts, so I'm pleased about that. Money, I NEED IT!

I'm so hungry. Weed. Matzoh. All My Children.

Time to eat my feelings and watch a dramatic soap opera. The usual.

my highs, you inspire

Last Thursday- Jerrod and I went to LA to see Alkaline Trio and it was awesome. I completely forgot it was St Patrick's Day for most of the day, but I realized it again when I saw the separation between the 21 and over crowd and the not-21-yet crowd. I wish we could have been sipping beers and whatnot, it's a bummer to not be 21. Two more years, and then I'll be getting drunk in many public places! Cheers.

Then Friday morning...err, afternoon Jerrod and I drove up to my river house. The sing-alongs on the way there and the way back were very entertaining. Fun stuff.

I can't wait to go back up to the house, we're planning a trip to go up with Riley, Renee, Brandon and Jen. We'll go when it gets warmer so it's nice and sunny, and the water will be soooo nice. And I can't wait to take Ashley up there, too. It's awesome being a big girl now.

I feel good. Content. Hopeful. Secure. Excited! And very, very pleased.

I am broke as shit, but all is well.

Woke up in a gloomy mood. Not really, I went to bed with the same negative state of mind. My dreams were full of anxiety and now I just don't feel well.

I just feel like a big bitch today.

"What can I do about it?" - Honestly, what can I do about it?

I have no idea, whatsoever. I'm stuck!

Not a care in the world right now. I feel totally secure, and comfortable.

And happy! Really happy.

No more negative me, because I realize that I don't need to be negative. I have no reason to hide my head in the sand and wait for some storm to come along. Instead, I have extremely high hopes for what's ahead of me. I may be broke as shit, but I've got all the things I need and everyone I love.

Love!

"I just hope you don't, hope you don't..."

I am so fucking full, I don't know how I'm going to work tonight. I start at 5, so I only have less than two hours to lay here and hopefully take a nap. Ashley came down and we've been high and eating the whole time. We look pregnant. I want to pass out.

I went to Disneyland yesterday with Cassie, Jerrod and Allix. Had a really fun time. I want to get a pass again, but I still find ways to get inside so maybe I don't have to. I love free shit.

I work all three days this weekend, and I've been working quite a few full shifts lately during the week. These next few paychecks will be lovely, but as for this moment I am pretty broke.

What a funny little predicament I've found myself in. A quiet, uncomfortable predicament.

Forget all the crazy talk. I was going crazy.

I don't feel so crazy anymore. I feel just fine.

Getting really high around the time you're going to get your period is not a good time.

Getting high after that is fine though.

My mom asked me to record the Oscar's this morning, but she asked me right after I had smoked, so...she should've known better. Apparently I recorded the wrong thing, so we missed two hours of it. Guess I have to watch it online, or hopefully at Jerrod's house some time this week.

Took my mom to see I Am Number Four tonight. An hour into it I told her I wanted to leave because it sucked, so as we're walking out she sees Unknown starting at 9:55 (the one she originally wanted to see) so I took her keys and ditched her. Hopefully I remember to go pick her back up soon.

I need to start on my presentation. I'm stupid.

(Stupidly happy.)

you push me over and I crack

My room is a fucking mess. The plan is to clean it today, and I hope I do. I am 99.9999% sure I will clean it. I throw things around like nobody's business. It was clean, once upon a time. Things were once organized. My life was once organized. Oh well. I have a project to complete still that I must present tomorrow in geology. I should probably start on that soon, too. I am slowly procrastinating...slowly melting away...

I saw Max Bemis at the Troubadour with Jerrod on Friday. My eyes watered, it was so awesome to watch him play just a few feet in front of me. The setlist was sweet, I was hoping for older tunes but what can ya do. It was a very pleasurable night.

I am still on the search for a second job. Every goddamn time one sounds promising, it somehow slips away. As of this moment I am supposed to have a second interview scheduled soon, but it's taking forever. Maria's giving me more hours at the theater so I'm not too worried right now. I don't want to leave that place, it's like my second home. I feel so comfortable there.

I'm all about feeling comfortable. And sometimes lately I am not, but I realize that's all under my control. At least I'm hoping it is.

I'm starting to feel like a child but I can't help it. I didn't want to return to these ways because it worries me. I get ugly, I feel down. I feel raw. I've learned from my mistakes before, my childish antics won't help anyone. I never want to be that girl. It's been too long, fighting foreign feelings. This sounds like gibberish. I ramble. I suck.

I should start cleaning and being productive, but my head won't stop spinning!

spit it from your mouth like a foreign object

Being sick makes you very emotional. Or is that just me?

When I give advice, I am extremely logical and level-headed. But when it comes to my own issues, I can't help but struggle with emotion. I feel like a lump of clay.

Screw whoever got me sick. All the damn kids at school are sick, so it was pretty much inevitable. I don't think I'm getting any better, but I don't feel that much worse. Hopefully it's gone by the weekend. Hopefully this mindset is gone by the weekend as well.

I should stop. Come tomorrow I'll be fine, as usual. It's only in the late hours of the night that my head starts spinning.

I've had a test every day this week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and then tomorrow morning. I wake up a few hours early before each class and just study. I know I did fine on the first three, I just worry about tomorrow cause it's for psychology. I was really good at passing psychology tests in high school so I hope some of that old information has stuck with me. I should start studying now but my mind is wandering elsewhere. So quick to assume, so quick to fret.

Today just wasn't my day. I don't feel very well cause I'm definitely getting sick. I kept getting too hot at work, damn those poppers. I didn't feel well last night either actually. I felt like shit. My whole upper body, every bone from my neck to my collar bone to my shoulders just completely ached. I couldn't even laugh without my chest filling with pain. I hate getting sick, it comes out of no where and comes on way too strong. After work today I came home and got right into my pajamas. I waste no time when it comes to being comfortable. I've been studying and eating and smoking and losing my mind. I don't want to take this test tomorrow. Oh yeah, my nose piercing got infected and it is fucking painful. I keep accidently hitting it or somehow managing to rip it out. Ugh. My eyes burn, my back hurts, my throat aches... go me!

I smoked out of one of my new bongs, and it rules.

Friday was fun, after work I went to Jen's house to hang with Jerrod + friends, and left in the morning to go back to work. We went to Happy Bagel for breakfast which was pretty good, but it ain't no Bagel Me.

The letters on the screen keep going in and out into each other, getting all jumbled up. I can barely read this. Awesome.

I want a full body massage. I want a smoothie. I want cereal. I want to eat again but I shouldn't. I ate too much pizza. Too much food lately. But it's so good!

I must sleep. I have to wake up at like seven or earlier to study and finish crap for my geology class at 9:30. First big thing I have extremely procrastinated on...I hope this ends after this one. I can't be doing this again. My mind has been all over the place lately except in a really important place, school. Good job, me. You suck.

I want lots of things. But mostly cuddling.

I'm way higher than usual. I went to Sam's after work and hung out with him, Vega, Jon, Stu and two other dudes. They passed around the bong and pipe for...well....forever. My mind has melted from the ridiculous things we talked about. They find the weirdest theories about shit...for example, Hitler is half-robot. I wish I could write every topic we discussed but I no longer have short-term memory. My favorite quote was "If I had to choose between having sex with my mom and drinking diarrhea, I'd drink diarrhea." I don't know. They're funny, my stomach hurts still from laughing so hard. I don't see them as often at work anymore, which is such a bummer. I wish Vega still worked at the theater. Those were the days! *Starts reminiscing* I miss when Ashley still worked there, and Vega and Jon were the concession leads. Definitely my favorite memories of Krikorian. Life was easy, life was great.

I had a bowl of Frosted Cheerios when I got home. I can eat cereal at any time of day, and most of the time I eat it twice a day. Mmmmmmmmmm...

Oh yeah, I picked up a shift today. 5:30-close in concessions, all by myself. Easy shmeasy. Closing sucked though, Robert and I weren't moving fast enough. Vanessa asked us to stay later to check theaters and crap, so of course I said yes. An extra hour or two, yes please.

Money, money, money. Nom nom nom nom nom nom. I am money hungry.

I had a lot of things I thought about posting, but I feel like a zombie.

Too tired, too drained, too high, too slow. Too weird.

something in the way, something in the way

I am really comfortable right now.

I work all three days this weekend, wahoo! And they're good shifts, too. No closing shifts, fuck yeah.

I went back in my blog and deleted quite a few posts. I wanted to throw up reading them, I was such an idiot back then. It makes me sick to my stomach. And all I feel is embarrassed.

You shouldn't try to talk to me anymore, I'll only keep reminding you what a shitty person you are.

I'm falling behind on my recorded shows again, but that's because I'm busier lately. My mind is somewhere else, and I'll admit it's usually in the gutter. I can't help it!

I'm a zombie lately, but I really don't mind. I'm smiling.

In moments of weakness I become a little green, but I quickly push it aside. That's not me anymore.

Tomorrow's going to be my productive day. I'm going to actually give a shit about how I look (I never do on school days...) and drive to Anaheim and Cerritos after class to turn in applications. Hopefully it really is an immediate interview like it says online. I'm going to get a second job. It's going to happen. It has to!

we won't scream and we won't shout

I have a tummy ache. I feel like my tummy is huge, I ate so much today. Fuck.

And I cannot wait to smoke a bowl right now and pass out. And then sleep in, cause I don't have shit to do tomorrow! Besides homework, but that can wait 'til later on in the day.

Just got home a little bit ago from Spencer's apartment. Hung out with Cassie and friends, played some beer pong. Watched Spencer and Pat wrestle which I will never understand why guys do that when they get drunk. The last thing I would wanna do after I drink is wrestle someone as seriously as they do sometimes. I'm a little buzzed still, it's been a while since I've drank. Whatever

I went to Target today and bought myself two new bras. So that's cool I guess.

I finally went cosmic bowling for the first time last night and it was really fun. I went with Jerrod and his friends whom are all super friendly. I started off strong with two strikes but then just started sucking. I got one other strike towards the end so fuck it! I like bowling.

ants in my pants

I'm high and up late devouring a box of milkduds. I eat a box almost every night lately. I'm addicted. I used to eat a box every night during the same time as my In-N-Out addiction a few months ago. Not like anything has changed, I've just slowed it down a bit. I should be going to bed because I need to wake up early for class...if only parking was easier the first few weeks. It's so aggravating trying to park right now because they're letting anyone park there, not just the people with parking permits. I can't wait for that to be over.

But hey, I am a happy camper lately. School turned out to be enjoyable, I'm optimistic about this semester. I go Monday through Thursday and I like my schedule. I'm going to do well, like really really well. I keep telling myself that. If you keep repeating it over and over and over, there's a good chance of it happening. That's just me being way too optimistic about it, but whatever. It beats going into the semester with a crappy attitude. Fingers crossed!

It's two in the morning and I am lurking so hard right now. What else is there to do? I'm creeping, it's just so entertaining. Especially private messages. Every new fact I learn about this particular person makes me want to throw up, then give myself a great big hug for never interacting him ever again. He is so disgusting.

I really hope I get the second job, that would rule so hard. I'd try to keep both jobs but if I couldn't, then I'd probably ditch Krikorian. I love that place but $9 an hour beats $8.25, ya know?

I went out to dinner with Jerrod's family tonight for his birthday. It was fun, his grandpa is really funny. Everyone was really nice and the food was yummy. I'm excited cause Jerrod and I are going together to Max Bemis' solo show in February. It's going to be sooo good!!

Almost done with the box of milkduds. Someone needs to take these things away from me...

The happier I get, the less I write.

That is all.

I saw Blue Valentine today with Cassie and my stomach is still in knots. It was so fucking good, ugh. I related to Michelle Williams' character more, but I took Gosling's character's side by the end of the movie. I cried and I laughed and I really really really enjoyed it. Such a good movie. It got me thinking...but I won't say anything more about that.

After the movie Cassie and I went to see Keith, and then we met up with everybody at Mike's house. We all went to Starbucks, and it was just nice being with everyone. Mike, Kyle, Keith, Alison, Lisa, Baker, Berti and Cassie. I love these faces, and I am so happy I got to see Alison on her first day back in town for a week. She rules. I hate that besides tonight I haven't seen her since the beginning of 2010, it sucks when good friends live so far away. Well, not that far...but far enough. Wah!

And yesterday I went to another show at the coffee shop to see everyone from the Yorba Linda area which was fun. Sheilahn drove down with Julian and Jordan and it was really sweet to hang out with them, too. I fucking love Sheilahn, I wish we lived closer so I could see her every day or something. Ugh.

Things are good lately. Really good. I feel positive and active, and awake. Nowadays I don't even sleep at all sometimes, but it's worth it. I oddly still feel very awake, in so many ways. I really enjoy the late-night 'adventures' and all the sing-alongs in the car, and all the trips to get food with friends and the shows we go to. I enjoy where I am lately. I am surrounded with good friends, good people. Good times.

I know I repeat the word "good" but that's because I'm not sure what else to say. Everything is just...good.

I work a lot still (well, not a lot...but enough) and school starts next week. I'm not ready but I swear that I will be once the 19th rolls around...

And hopefully I'm going to Disneyland this week with Jerrod. I really miss that place, I plan to get a pass again...if I don't get hired at the House of Blues then I guess I'll just have to buy it. Expensive but it's worth it. Hopefully I can find people to actually wanna go this time.

I am happy lately. I wasn't expecting this; it definitely took me by surprise. It snuck up on me and I was very hesitant at first, but now I am embracing it. I deserve to be happy, too, ya know.

There is nothing like getting high and listening to Say Anything. Complete happiness.

I want something or someone to motivate me. I want to be pushed. I want someone to take me out into the world and say, "Hey, isn't it so much nicer out here?" And I want to happily reply, "Yes, yes it is! I love it out here, I was totally missing out. Thank you for forcing me to go out and have such a good time." I want to go outside and do things again. Even when I have plans I sometimes choose to stay home. I don't know why I do it. Well, I do know. I'm stupid.

I want to blame other obstacles for stopping me from being a productive human being out in the real world, but the biggest obstacle would just be myself.

I really am a homebody. I blame it on laziness and my lack of motivation. I blame it on how comfy I am in my pajamas. I blame it on how comfy my bed is. I blame how good I feel when I'm high, and I blame how good food tastes. (I can stay home and eat all day.) I blame the fact that I really don't want to get ready to go out, because it's such a boring/lengthy process. I blame it on others for no longer giving me a reason to want to go out. I blame it on the times I've gotten ready for hours and then I was bailed on last minute. I blame it on the disappointment I feel when I think I'm going to have a good time and then I don't. I blame it on the fact that I would rather stay home than even give myself the slightest chance of feeling disappointed. (I do that quite often.) I'll point the blame anywhere really. Not like it matters anyway. Whatever my reasoning may be to justify my apathetic attitude, it does not matter. I'm just a lazy mother fucker.

I'm a little sick of being alone. It would be pleasing to feel the warmth of another in my bed, and to know that they are just as happy laying there as I am. Is it too much to ask to not be alone for a couple of hours? I don't think so.

I just want to get high and cuddle, ya know?

My first day of 2011 was interesting. I went to work at 4:30 and was in box office with Ryan, Sam, Ashley and Ray. Some older guy in a green jacket with a backpack (with a huge knife sticking out of it), a plastic bag full of random shit and a bible goes to Ryan and buys a ticket. He's a Vietnam vet so he was quite the character. He was saying things like "I just want to smoke a bowl" and talking about drinking and getting fucked up so it was pretty entertaining. We all go on our lunch and as we're walking through the lobby we see the vet sitting at a table. We come up with this "brilliant" idea to ask him to join us to smoke a bowl. He of course says yes and gets all excited and follows us to Sam's car. It turns out he really was crazy and he was talking about all the people he's killed and all the wars he's been a part of. He said he was a prisoner of war and was giving his opinion on Obama and a bunch of government crap. He kept saying he was a lesbian and repeatedly mentioned how much he likes girls, especially brunettes and he'd look at me and say it again. We'd laugh and pass the bong and the pipe around but we realized we were in a very awkward situation. He pulls out some alcohol out of the plastic bag and offers it to us but we pass. He was definitely wasted. He could've sat in that car all night but Ryan and I quickly leave cause we were on our lunch. Maybe twenty minutes later the vet is walking around in front of our window, saying really creepy things to young girls and just being a fucking weirdo. Then he gets kicked off the property cause I guess he went in the lobby and was talking to a bunch of children and was getting inappropriate. Then a little later two girls try to start a fight right in front of our window, yelling and cussing with their dudes holding them back. Then after that some kid punched a security guard and the guard knocked him to the ground and kicked him off the property, too. The Buena Park Mall is a crazy place, lemme tell ya.

My car has turned out to be a lemon. The dude who sold it to us was a liar, he was just flipping cars. My car's been in an accident and is pretty shitty on the inside. On the way to a friend's show my car completely broke down right in the middle of LA. That fucking sucked, had to get it towed home. We took it to the mechanic and they eventually see it's been in a wreck. It's gonna take $400-500 bucks to fix it, but after that it should be fine. I'm just so bummed, wah!

I had a good New Years, Ashley and I were high and watching some friends run around naked and jump in the pool. I came home and kissed Boots for my first kiss, and it was adorable. I just can't believe it's 2011. Ugh.

Some guy kept asking me what my new years resolution was. I could not think of one goddamn thing, so I've decided to make a list. Small things, but important things nonetheless.

- Focus more on school.

- Get a medical card.

- Grow my own plant.

- Keep my room clean.

- Get a second job.

- Go to the gym more often.

- Get a Disneyland pass again.

- Stay optimistic.

- Always have self-respect, and that I will always come first.

- Have a good fucking time all the time.

- Have someone dedicate lyrics from a Say Anything song to me.

- Get a boyfriend this year.

- Move out....maybe?

I am sore and tired, but surprisingly pleased. And very content. It is what it is.