when you slammed the door

and when I press the keys, it all gets reversed

the sound of loneliness makes me happier

lots of butter

what else to do but blog. in an odd mood. not really a good one, but not all that bad. I'm high, drowsy and bored. I'm just lacking the energy to do anything productive right now. but there's nothing to do, anyway. so..what the hell.

I was working five-close tonight, but they sent me home early. too lazy to do anything, just want to lay around, smoke and hang out with my cat.

I finally shot my second roll for film and developed it, and stayed after school to make the four prints that were due friday. it would be so sweet if I could have my own dark room to develop photos in. when I have a place of my own, I really wanna have one. I just love the way the chemicals smell.

I'm not really doin' too well for my second semester. I need to get focused again. it's just hard, my mind's really somewhere else. where, I'm not sure. and that's what bothers me.

february's just about over. march is gonna be sort of long, but april will be a blast. turning eighteen, coachella, spring break. yada yada yada. time goes by so fast lately. and I'm just letting it pass me by. oof.

next saturday, my work is having a huge promotion for alice in wonderland. we've painted all these huge flowers n' we're gonna have tables for the tea party. and I'm alice! ha, how exciting. the dress is ridiculous, very elaborate and pretty. we have all these sweet costumes. I'm gonna have a blonde wig, it's gonna be funny. that's from eleven to four, and then I'm driving to hang with sheilahn and go to a show in la. tim's gonna be down so we'll get to see him n' stuff. excited, ya know. I've missed my sheilahn.

tomorrow, I'm gonna go looking for shoes...and most likely spend the rest of my money on clothes. I'll try not to, but it's just so hard. ugh.

I'm bored.

new/old things I've come to hate: peanut butter, rain at school, kristen stewart, bad hair days, avatar fanatics, when tivo fails, ex-girlfriends, my closet, big plugs, being used, tattoos on necks, nostalgia

things I've learned not to do the past few months: lag on photo assignments, tell people the truth, drive without headlights on, give it up on the first date, befriend ex-girlfriends, befriend any girls, smoke when I have something important to do, lurk ex-boyfriends, try to clean out my closet, stay up all night before school

new/old things I love: smoking, sleeping, driving, cuddling, using people, meowing, money, my cat, boys that dress nice, my best friend, the black lips, taking pictures, good shows, singing in the car, the scent of weed, cutting my hair, hanging out with my mom when I'm high, painting, and of course brand new

don't know what else to do. guess I'll just hang out with my cat. bye.

a crack on the head is what you get for asking

attempting to spin this mood around. I'm looking at it from the optimistic point of view. trying. trying to see the silver lining, and all those other silly sayings.

high and happy, that's what I am. that's what I'll be.

I don't want to be this person anymore. complaining, whimpering, bitter, lonely, unbalanced, deranged. I don't want to kick my feet and pout and cry, throw my childish tantrums. bite the hand that feeds me. attack on impulse. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

I used to. I used to fall asleep comfortably in my old shell. but not anymore.

I can't sleep. I can't think. I can't dream. without these crazy visuals staining my eyelids...they're everywhere. there's traces left of these odd, troublesome fantasies imprinted on my fingertips. I'm itchy, I'm bothered. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

smile. smile. smile. I'll laugh it off. I'll slowly piece back together the old me. the one before I was ruined, tainted. I want me back.

but sometimes it's really hard to distinguish the line between the old me and the me now.

where did I end, and where did I begin?

loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly

though she needs you more than she loves you

pieces of what

I have no idea what's happening to me lately. I can't shake these moods, they just creep up on me 'til I have no control over the situation. I just feel broken, as lame as that sounds.

I went to chino hills today to get my hair done by pat. I wanted to go back to red. it didn't turn out like I wished it would. it doesn't look bad or anything, I've just had this red before...plain n' whatnot. I wanted something brighter. I don't know.

I'm not happy with myself. in so many ways.

It's been a while since I've cried. and I mean a real cry, the kind that starts in your stomach and pushes through your chest to your throat. and I guess today was that day. I returned your call and I knew exactly what it would consist of. Me apologizing and explaining while you tell me I haven't given you a reason. when I have, I do. all the time. I hate hearing you cry and upset, it's always truly bothered me. and I apologize, and you argue, and it's the same cycle. I hate explaining my reasons for leaving, because I don't want to hurt you even more. You can't change who you are. and I can't change you; a year and a half of trying has proven that. and I'm sorry. the phone call seriously upset me. You were my best friend, and I hate that things had to end this way. but it had to. and that's my point. As much as I hurt you by leaving, you hurt me for months. and I couldn't keep sinking like I was. I'm better than this, I had to leave. I know you loved me more than anything. and losing that connection was extremely difficult. but I had to do it for myself. and I will tell you and try to explain to you, over and over. I still have your ring, and a few of your belongings. eventually you're going to have to come get them. and I'm sure the talk we have in person will be even more difficult. to face you after weeks and weeks of not speaking. and all I can say is that I'm sorry. I really am. sorry that I couldn't change you or fix you.

the phone call just set off some bomb inside of me. Everything I've been holding in for the past few months just resurfaced, and there was no controlling it. I came home and rushed to my room, jumped in the shower. I haven't felt that weak in quite some time. I sat on the floor with the water running and just sobbed. I felt so pathetic and powerless.

I've lost my motivation to be active and productive. my determination in school has decreased, too much. I just fall asleep in class now, getting lost in thought and losing focus on work. I wish I wasn't losing focus, I wish I would just continue to make smart choices. but I know I won't. not 'til I get my head back on my shoulders.

and I have no idea when that will be.

I just don't know what it is that's really getting to me. I guess it's everything. I've pushed so many things aside, I didn't want to deal with 'em. and now, they've all surfaced into one giant problem. how annoying.

I just want to smoke right now and fall asleep. I have the worst headache ever, and I just wish I had a friend right now to push me and make me do something..right.

all I can think about is....I can't even say it.

goodnight.

stop these looks and letters

I wanted today to be a productive sort of day. it wasn't.

I always think that if I smoke, I'll get some shit done. but deep down I know it'll only knock me the fuck out. I passed out on the couch, again. I'm tired of doing that.

I'm tired of being tired.

I'm tired of this fucking mood. I don't know how to explain it. but it creeps up on me and seeps through my pores. it consumes me. and I hate it.

it's angst, it's bitterness, it's confusion. I don't feel well. I feel...too warm. too cold. I don't know.

your voice made my stomach twist into a knot. it wasn't upsetting, it wasn't saddening. I didn't feel alone or envious, or bitter. almost nostalgic, you could say.

I long for familiarity. for a friend's company, a lover's touch, just something that eliminates this lingering apprehension. whatever it is, the imprint is unsettling.

I stayed up way too late last night. I had so many conversations going on, my mind was spinning. I laid in bed and felt extremely weak. and sick. sick to my stomach.

My eyelids are heavy and I feel like my innocence is gone.

Where did my happiness go? I had it, it was within my grasp. I held it tight, close to my chest. but at the same time, I pushed it away. that happens too many times. it's just push and pull.

I have tried, so many times, to find enjoyment in another. and when I did, it wasn't mutual. it became so irritating. I feel like I can't find satisfaction, and after a while, it just becomes normal. I use and abuse.

Old news, old news.

if you think you're using me, I guarantee I have beat you to it. I'm using you.

it's late friday night. I hope kids are getting drunk right now. or they're already drunk. stoned. twisted, sick. somewhat out of their minds. doing things that they would never dare to do sober. no one has the guts 'til there's a foreign influence in their system. they speak without hesitancy, touch to feel the friction. their confidence is ever so high. and it shouldn't be. they're cocky little bastards.

I hate high school. barf.

and I hate this mood.

I can hear my cat snoring. that's basically the only thing that's bringing me any sort of contentment right now.

I just wish I had...you. or some version of you. maybe just the voice. and the touch. but I'd alter other characteristics....frankenstein. I wish I could make my own person. then I'd know I'd always be satisfied. happiness would be consistent.

I need some consistency.

why am I not good enough? I don't understand.

stop the circulation to my legs and break my bones

dateless and late, I'm better by myself at home.

blue eyed lightning bolt

My island nights are all spent dying

Wait for summer to become wrought with lips,

my wishful thinking

stay put and play along

I'm lacking. lots of things.

I smoked, thinking it would bring me happiness, but it's only brought me pathetic realizations that I'm..simply lacking.

I'm happy. I'm okay. I'm smiling.

I just wish that I didn't have to do it alone.

and I'm not sure what I meant by that. really.

I'm just typing. ramble.

this song is so soothing right now. shmeh

don't let the children out to play

I'm not sure how I feel right now. it's been an eventful weekend.

not really, but enough to fuck with my head. sort of.

I'm not sure. I don't know.

friday, I hung out with ryan. his two friends were a hoot, definitely no shame. it was fun; the situation was a little awkward, though. hah. he's cute and entertaining, and it's not awkward with him. so it was a good night. the driving on the freeway part was super sweet, it was calming and refreshing.

I have really fallen in love with driving and listening the black lips. a sweet high makes it that much better, but even without that, it's so amazing. I become completely entranced in those moments, and my mind wanders into sweet curiosity. it's probably my favorite thing to do now.

then I come home, lay in bed, and sulk in my odd state of mind.

spiteful, intolerant, vacant, bitter, vague.

I wish I could be more open about things. but I'd just look miserable. and I'm not.

I just feel like I'll never be happy like the way I want. at the level I want to be.

because I constantly reach my hands out and feel for things, hoping to grasp on to something that actually fills me with contentment and some sort of joy that I can't feel anywhere else.

but I seem to just be reaching out to the wrong things. wrong places. wrong people.

trial and error. trial and error. trial and error.

lots of errors.

on Friday, I was walking...err, running out of my room, and my foot got caught somehow between the carpet and the tile in my doorway, and it hurt so fucking bad. I couldn't stop running, and I ran/limped all the way into my parents' bedroom. I finally looked down and saw lots of skin hanging off my big toe on my left foot. lots of skin, lots of blood. lots of pain. Right when I saw it, I felt how much it hurt...I started crying immediately. I hopped back into the hallway and into the bathroom and just screamed out for someone to help me. I haven't cried like that in years, to be honest. I have not felt pain like that for a very long time, ha. my sister helped me take care of it. It's like it wouldn't stop bleeding, so disgusting. I ripped off some of the skin, because it was pointless to leave it hanging there. I swear, it was a few layers of skin...it was a deep gash looking thing, ugh. gushy, bloody skin. fuck my life. I got it wrapped up yesterday. whatever. so pissed I even hurt myself to begin with..I shouldn't have been running. stupid me.

yesterday was stressful. it was the first day in a long time that I had to seriously do homework. I haven't done homework at home for a few months, really. I put off the essay for my English class. he really didn't give us the actual prompt 'til this last thursday, so I blame him. ha. we had to write an essay on the value of life, whether you can put a dollar value on a life. I definitely believe you can, you do, and you should. it happens every day. I worked on it for hours, and turned in just minutes before the due date. thank goodness. I wrote what was needed, I'm sure I'll get an average grade on it. play by the rules of school, and you get alright grades. I'm down with that strategy right now, too lazy to really put an effort into my work as of lately.

lost my motivation. for lots of things.

My room is horrible. I haven't seen it this bad in a while. I don't know why it's so hard for me to clean up after myself. I should, it's not hard. I just think, "I'll come back to that later." and I don't. someone, please, help me. I'm such a mess, ha.

my mind is just somewhere else lately.

I guess I'm bitter over the situation. I didn't think it bothered me 'til a few days ago. I shouldn't really have expected anything of it, it wasn't anything special. it's just been a very long time since I've felt that feeling in my stomach. it was extremely refreshing and appealing.

not much I can do about it now. lesson learned, I guess you can say.

I'm like a child. sometimes I become moody and bitter when things are taken away from me. I'm usually the one with the power, with the control over what I do, and for someone else to decide how it's going to be, it annoys me. I can't help it.

I'm listening to edward sharpe, and in one of his songs, it sounded like he said 'tootsie rolls', and I just got extremely hungry for tootsie rolls. and it reminded me that my mom bought a shitload of bags of 'em.

stoked. getting out of my bed to go get them from the kitchen sounds like a mission, though. I don't know if I have the energy.

I probably don't. we'll see.

I shouldn't stay up. I haven't slept much this past week, I've been staying up 'til four or five, for no reason. I need sleep. my body's starting to ache again. I remember this feeling. it's not a friend of mine.

I got up to get the tootsie rolls. totally worth it. they are delicious.

today was valentine's day. I had work, five to close. It was quite busy, lots of couples and whatnot. it definitely got on my nerves. at least I worked with my favorite people from there - jonay, michael, abe, nick. jonay and I smoked on our lunch, that was nice. I'm sure all those stupid couples enjoyed their valentine's day.

no point in it. no point at all.

I think it's the feeling used part of the issue that bothers me. I don't know.

that would be very hypocritical of me. really.

I just want to close my eyes and forget about so many things.

time for sleep, time to try and erase these emotions I can't ignore.

cooooooool beans.

I can't win.

bad romance

okay, so I just discovered this....

what the fuck. no idea what's going on but I'm stoked.

she's like twelve. so fucking awesome.

and okay, I'm sort of high.

but this video rules...period.

I need sleep.

jack nicholson

ugh. I thought this week was gonna be a good week.

School is really pissing me off. screw half of my teachers, they just turned into assholes. I want out of photo, I'm over it. really. I have yet to take my second roll of film, I just can't seem to do it. I don't feel like it. Economics is quite easy, I'll pass that with an A no matter what. but English is really starting to piss me off...my teacher is no longer mr. nice guy, he's just grumpy and angry and gives me attitude. I hate when teachers give me attitude. so I was a bitch right back. he used to love me, I don't know what happened. but I take it very personal, ha. whatever. fuck school this week. I'm just upset.

I have a bunch of shit to do, out of no where. the first semester was nothing, no homework or anything. now I'm already missing a few assignments and it's only the first week of second semester. what the fuck.

I really don't wanna do it. someone save me.

I had work tonight, I'm just exhausted. originally I was scheduled 6-8, no idea why only two damn hours. but they called me and asked me to work the midnight showings, so of course I said yes. money. I worked 6-12, pretty good. I didn't need to stay because they had a lot of people working. sad thing is, it was kind of dead, not many people came. My manager maria had marlyn and I paint these huge pieces of paper as flower petals, and they looked pretty sweet. I was painting hawaiian flowers, they were really pretty. my back and my hands ache, though.

I'm just tired.

I took a home a cardboard cut-out of john travolta, bald and 'badass' looking, with a gun in his hand. ha, stoked. so lame.

I've smoked a lot lately. starting to mess with my head. or maybe that's just me.

I want to do some work right now, but I don't have the energy. too lazy.

such an issue.

I finally burned that damn cd. I've been trying to burn a black lips playlist I made onto a cd, and my mom's old van rejected the cd's. I thought it was because her van was old, but I wasn't setting it to 'audio' and it was set to 'mp3'. fml, so many cd's wasted. oh well, now I have like twenty black lips cd's. just in case. ha.

I don't know how I feel about everything that's happening lately.

pleased, hesitant, intrigued, bored, bitter, reluctant, envious, needy, distant.

I just want the weekend to be here. fuck this week. fuck this month. fuck this mood.

moonlight on my floor, shining through the roof

sitting on my bed, feeling good. getting over my high, listening to mgmt. mmmm, happy.

it was a good weekend...week, actually, and today ended it nicely. no school today, so I scheduled an appointment for my driving test...and I passed! I'm officially a licensed driver, fuck yes. problems are solved.

wednesday I went to lunch with topher, we planned that wednesdays are our new lunch days. that was fun, topher's a goof. then later that night I went to jared's birthday at the yardhouse. that was a bit awkward just because there were a few people that don't necessarily like me, but it was fun nonetheless. didn't go to school friday, but I worked 2-5:30, ugh. stayed home, smoked and watched tv with my mom, she wanted to watch twilight...oof. I laughed and said go for it, so she puts it on, and she was saying the funniest shit about it. eventually she turned it off cause it was so bad. I was pretty stoned and I cuddled with my dog on the couch and fell asleep.

saturday, I went to a wake, and saw a bunch of family...or sort of family. then I went to a play about shakespeare, they covered sixteen plays in like two hours. and they were pretty funny. I smoked before, of course. and it was good. felt like forever, though.

and last night I went to michael's for his birthday, and that was fun. I wish cassie could've come. I had some beer, smoked. I was more high or buzzed than I thought I was, surprised me by the end of the night, ha. it's just been a while. but it was fun. good to see people.

the most awkward thing, though, is when someone you know that hates you is being really nice to you. I'm nice back, of course..but it's just weird.

now that I drive, I can see my friends so much more. visit cassie, zack, ramsey, topher, tyler, sheilahn. get myself my own food. stoked, stoked, stoked.

I'm missing first period in the morning cause I forgot to shoot my second roll for photo, so I need to do that tomorrow. fuck. but this week should be a good week...no school today, and not a lot of shit going on this week. should be simple. I like simple.

I work thursday, saturday, sunday and monday. oof. I have a date friday, we'll see how that goes. :3

I played bunco today, and had most wins. I won seventeen bucks, but my mom took back the seven it cost to play, so I ended up with ten.

whatever, money's money.

can't wait for my next check. ugh.

gotta get in the shower. hmmmm, I like this feeling.

and I really think it's cool

do you really wanna hold my dirty hands

do you really wanna hold my dirty hands

do you really wanna hold my dirty hands

"I feel like a great dane!"

Tuesday. blah blah blah.

it was a good day, I guess. smoked before school, spent too much money at the carwash on junk food, ate too much today between the hours of eight to twelve. and school was alright, this second semester is gonna be easy shmeasy. kayla came back to kennedy, so it was nice to see her, I missed her. now I've got a girl friend in first court, how exciting.

I was daydreaming in class today and realized it's fucking february. time flew so fast, one semester's already over with. and I love february, (not really). it's such a short month. thank god those famous dudes or whatever died this month, because I get two three-day holiday weekends in a row. so stoked. I hate the weather, but I love the time part of it.

I usually hate february. I still do. valentine's day is never good, it's cold and I'm usually bitter. it's just a dumb month.

so I'm always stoked because it's always damn short.

drove my mom to different stores today to buy shit for dinner. I'm home, and I just smoked too much, and I'm very excited to eat.

chicken, potatoes, green peas, french bread.

I'm watching a show about a midget couple. my sister and I can't stop making jokes about them. my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. the little lady is a doctor, and I was saying how I wouldn't want a midget operating on me, and my sister says, "so does she get paid less?" too funny.

I don't care, I just find it hilarious.

and Lost's last season begins tonight.

and I still have a shitload of yogurt left in the freezer.

coconut, cake batter, chocolate malt, old fashioned vanilla/

damn you, golden spoon, for being so good.

fuck yes.

it definitely was an alright tuesday.

alright, back to the midgets on tv. bye.