limp dick

reflecting. my mind is a blur. but it makes sense, I guess.

I'm just sitting here, in my stuffy room. with jerry, who keeps laying all over my laptop so I'll pay attention to him. so in love with me, it's cute.

ashley came over, we smoked and attempted to clean out my closet.

I fail, every time. I'm scared I'm going to wind up on that "hoarders" show.

now I'm high and I have a cat rubbing his drooling face all over my leg and a really dirty room that will never be clean and these bags under my eyes because I can't fall asleep lately, and I don't know why.

I don't know what to do with myself right now. I guess I'll try cleaning again.

no one cares

I just cried in my mother's arms. I am laughing, but still crying.

Imagine hearing this all in one big sob of depression. I sound like a ten year old throwing a fit.

I wish my hair would grow. I wish I wasn't so pale. I wish I didn't spend all my money this past weekend. I wish I had more weed. I wish I wasn't so lonely. I wish I wasn't so tired all the time. I wish make-up wouldn't make my skin so oily. I wish I didn't have to go to school. I wish it wasn't so hot out. I wish I could gain some weight. I wish reggie was here. I wish my room was clean, for once. I wish panera bread would cater to my every need, every day. I wish I had more gas in my car. I wish I didn't hate everyone so much. I wish I wasn't so unorganized. I wish I didn't have this stupid infection all the fucking time. I wish people liked me, instead of just using me. I wish I wasn't a hoarder. I wish I was prettier. I wish I never hit that fucking car. I wish I had a more active social life. I wish my closet was clean. I wish the bags under my eyes would go away. I wish my immune system wasn't so goddamn weak. I wish I had more clothes. I wish money never existed. I wish I never had sex. I wish true blood was on every day. I wish ugly guys would stop hitting on me. I wish it could be fall, all the time. I wish I didn't have to pay for car insurance. I wish my grandma was here. I wish jesse lacey would just come to his senses and marry me already.

I wish I wasn't such a baby today.

I just feel so bored, and drained. don't judge me. I'm just very moody right now.

I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow, but today sucks. hard.

number nine with my head on the bar

Seems like a good time to blog.

Listening to brand new, eyes closed. just laying here, on top of a gushy, comfy cloud. my fan is cooling down my warm, angry body and my quick-tempered mind. jesse lacey's voice is loud and echoing and it's perfect. I am high, for now. I am calm, for now. I am happy, for now. but I was not happy a few hours ago. and I, most likely, will not be happy later tonight.

I am moody, I am bored, I am spiteful, I am annoyed, I am regretful, I am hurt. I am alone, as usual.

Sound and fury was fun, and santa barbara is sweet. I didn't party like I wanted to, although I did get stoned. quite a lot. they sold edibles there, which was exciting. saw a lot of good bands, lots of friendly faces. there were some moments where I was upset, but overall the weekend was nice. any thought I had about moving to santa barbara quickly disappeared though, ha.

Today was a kids' tuesday, of course. they have seriously calmed down quite a bit since last summer, though, so I am pleased about that. although the mess in the theaters is still disgusting. you'd think after showing free movies to these cheap bastards, they'd have the decency to clean up the mess of all the disgusting knock-off crap they sneak in, but no. they throw it all over the floor. kids' days consist of many mexican families, different daycares full of hyper little shits and buses full of mentally challenged people. they all have one thing in common: I can never understand what the hell they're saying. which makes everything suck. hard.

I work tomorrow, scheduled 2-10. I want to go to moscow with ramsey and everyone, so hopefully I get off early enough.

This saturday, I will be seeing the growlers, for free, with sheilahn and friends. saturday is gonna rule.

and on october 16th, I will be seeing saves the day, say anything and motion city soundtrack, for free. I'm taking ryan because I know he would appreciate it just as much as me.

I need to pick up again. it saddens me how fast I go through my weed as of lately.

I want to take a shower, so I'm going to. I just want to feel clean. I feel so dirty and flawed.

The sun's going to set soon, and at that point I won't even want to go out. I think I'll just stay in and continue to be the homebody I've so humbly become.

"If you let me have my way, I swear I'll tear you apart."

they keep calling me

I am high. I am bored. I am tired.

I open in the morning, it's a "kids' tuesday." I can't even explain how annoying those are.

listening to good music. comfy in my bed. I am happy.

I'm going to sound and fury in a few days with cassie. it's gonna be fun, I'm glad it's in santa barbara. I wanna party, bro.

I went on a date the other night. and I liked it.

I don't really have much to say. I am empty.

but content.

lord knows it would be the first time

I just woke up from a dream. too many things happened for me to recall. but I remember you telling me that my eyes were beautiful, and you wanted to hang out with me. you seemed genuinely interested in me. and I remember the excitement I felt, flooding my body. I don't know why I'm so curious about this.

I want to feel this emotion, when I'm awake. I want to feel you, when I'm awake.

ask me why

under the iron bridge, we kissed

and although I ended up with sore lips

it just wasn't like the old days anymore

no, it wasn't like those days

am I still ill?

the story is old, I know

April 10, 3:20 AM

"I miss you. I've been thinking of you all night."

It's shit like this that I miss. waking up to a text that reminds you -- you mean something to someone.

but what I don't miss, is when you meant something, but you didn't mean enough.

Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

no hope, no harm

I don't want anyone. I don't. I don't want all the attachments that come along with a person. it's too much work. I don't want to waste my efforts on lost causes. and everything is a lost cause right now.

but it's nights like these, where I can't help but feel lonely. sometimes, I just want to have someone. I don't know how else to put it. I hate sounding needy, and I don't mean to. I just want...to kiss someone, and not feel ill. to feel the friction of someone else's skin and to not feel sick to my stomach, or uncomfortable, or disgusted, or even nostalgic. to wake up to someone and to not feel used and insignificant. I just want it to fucking mean something. it doesn't mean anything anymore. I hate it.

I hate how easy it is. to use and be used. I used to enjoy the cycle, because I was the one manipulating. but now I can become so vulnerable, it makes me feel so weak.

the wasted efforts, the aches and the long nights remind me that trying is pointless. everything falls into pieces, it's one big shitty puzzle piece. I'm tired of trying. I'm too tired to try. I'm too tired to do anything.

I'm just so bored with everything. I'm not even interested enough in trying.

I'm tired of being let down. that's what I'm tired of. so if you don't build yourself up, then you won't be let down.

"no hope, no harm."

I wish more people were awake at these hours. I wish it was acceptable to be outside right now, walking around. driving, socializing, eating at places, shopping. I wish stores were open, and not weird ones. just normal stores. I wish night hours weren't any different than day hours. I wish I could walk down the dark streets of my neighborhood and not feel any sort of fear. I'd just wander around, my path illuminated by dimly lit street lights. but no, I don't feel secure.

I don't even feel secure in my own bed sometimes. but hey, what can I do, besides lay here, completely vulnerable. I'm a sitting duck. every day, I am a sitting duck.

you're a sitting duck, too.

I just hope it gets you first.