I don't understand why I constantly put myself down, because I'm always feeling like shit. and I make it worse. and everyone else makes it worse. and it's a continuous spiral. up and down, in and out. I'm such a baby.
I got my hair done. it doesn't matter what I do to it, because I will always hate it. I never make plans to go out on the same day I get my hair done, because I always spend the rest of the night crying into my pillow. which I plan on doing tonight. I've already started.
I really hate the weather right now. it's supposed to be fall, and it's like a hundred degrees outside. it's september, it's not summer anymore. get the fuck out of here, sun.
I have so much studying to do for my test tomorrow in art history. and I need to study for the quiz tomorrow in my computer information systems class. my mom wanted me to take her to a movie, but we got into a huge fight. so now I'm in my room with the door closed, and I'll probably stay in here all night. I don't mind, I just want to lay down and fall apart quietly.
I woke up crying because of this weird dream. it was so elaborate and insane. in my dream, I was sobbing a lot. I had lost these two books I was holding on to. they meant everything to me, and I was devastated when I lost them. there were other reasons I was crying, but I can't recall. but I do remember, kyle was in my dream, and he was bothering me. I was trying to get away from him, and I just kept crying and crying. I forget what the story was, but it wasn't a good dream. obviously.
I wish I could take back every dollar I ever spent on kyle. way too many, that's for fucking sure. what a waste of money. and what a waste of time.
Money. another reason I've been crying lately. I'm fucked, I don't really have anything. thinking about money makes me physically ill right now. work blows, one day a week is bullshit. I'm applying for new places, new faces. I'm tired of borrowing and stealing.
I'm just really fucking tired. all the time. being a crybaby is exhausting.
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