scratch that last one

Taking a deep breath. Has anyone else noticed I have been the biggest drama queen lately?

My eyes would instantly water at the thought of it. That's pathetic. I was never this pathetic! I can't help but laugh, I wish I could erase all the silly things I've said over the past few weeks, and especially the past few days.

I have realized that my negative moods and spiteful thinking is not attractive. I am better off alone, I'm too crazy lately for anyone else to handle right now.

The only thing that still bothers me, is that telling someone how you truly feel is pointless. I am the only one who ever gave a shit to begin with, so I'm going back to my old ways and biting my lip, and refraining from spewing out all this awkward honesty to people who don't care.

I'm going to focus on myself from now on. Maybe start eating more, start working more, start working out more, start thinking more.

There are so many things I'd like to write, as usual. Just don't have the energy anymore to give a shit.

I just went and saw Jackass 3D by myself. and it was extremely enjoyable. I haven't laughed that hard in so long. I am feeling happy, and optimistic.

Tonight I'm going to Michael's house with Cassie for the party. It's going to be ridiculous, I love parties at his house. Cassie and I are dressing up as Wayne and Garth. I'm Garth, and this is gonna rule. Cassie wants me to get wasted. I also want me to get wasted.

I have a lot of things I would just love to forget, starting tonight. Happy early halloween!

it's simple

I figured it out. I have nothing figured out.

I'm just going to stay where I am and wait for everyone to come to me if they need me.

I hate everyone.

pretty percocet

My restless mind will be the death of me.

I'd rather sleep than remain lost in thought, but that's not going to happen tonight.

I'd like to

There were so many things I wanted to write in this post.

I wanted to possibly question, admit, critique, analyze, confess, hide and finally release things. Just things.

but I'm all choked up and I'm busy and I'm lazy and I'm self-destructive and I'm procrastinating in every aspect of my life, and I just don't care at this point.

-give it a rest.

quiver

Everything sucks right now. I am not happy.

I have no money. Work sucks. I need a new job. I'm struggling in a few classes, and I'm falling behind. I always have homework to do, so I'm always stressing. I'm losing sleep over things that matter and things that don't. I'm so tired and so stressed all the time. I'm hungry. I am so hungry. I rarely eat. I don't have an eating disorder, I could never do that. I just...don't eat. It isn't until night-time when I realize I haven't eaten a thing all day. My stomach is constantly yelling at me, but I tune it out. I wish I enjoyed food like I used to. Nothing looks good to me anymore. I've got other things to do and to worry about.

My phone's broken. It shuts off randomly when I'm texting, or actually just shuts off when it feels like it. Bummed. I wish I had a cool phone or something. Everyone's got those touch screen phones, they just look so expensive and annoying. I want a phone with a keypad, definitely.

Boots discovered how to hop the fence and get out into the front yard. Now I have to watch him every second, make sure he doesn't get outside. I can't watch him all the time, so I'm worried...I don't want him to start running around in the street. Ugh. I'm a worried mother, I just care about his safety.

Oh yeah...and to top it off, the doctors office totally just fucked me with bills. Supposedly I agreed to have all this testing done, because everyone knows the one thing I'd really love to do is pay three hundred dollars to my insurance company. what the fuck. I just keep getting fucked, over and over.

I just want to be alone.

absolutely pointless

I feel weird lately. I'm just really high. so I'm extremely thoughtful right now. ha.

I feel like a different person. It sounds stupid, but I really do feel different. I've become something I never thought I would be just a few years ago. I love who I am now though. and I don't like who I was then. I just wanted to write that. Makes me feel better.

One thing I like about the me now. I have fun. I'm really enjoying everything I do, it's funny. Everything is funny to me. I just feel nicer. I have a totally different perspective now, and it's entertaining to me. Like at this moment, I'm watching Boots run all over the mirror on the floor. He was being an asshole earlier and knocked over my mirror that I had leaned against my couch. It's like long and skinny sort of, like a rectangle. And yeah, he's running all over it, leaving cute paw-prints for me to see when I turn the lights on. He sees the kitty in the mirror. It's really funny. He's hilarious, I really love that cat. He makes me happy, when I feel like total shit. It keeps me level-headed. And I also enjoy the fact that I listen to Say Anything every minute I can. Whenever I'm near my computer, or every single time I'm in my car. I plug my ipod in and push play to return to my Say Anything shuffle. I have almost every song by them, I'm sure. There's so many on there. and even sometimes, I'll just sing really good choruses from my favorite songs by them. I'm so in love with max, it's funny. I just enjoy everything he says. I just saw them last night, and it was awesome. I went to the house of blues by myself to see them play with saves the day and motion city soundtrack. valencia opened, I had no idea who they were. And I didn't really like them when they played. really started killing my high. I was surprised motion city was headlining, I was totally expecting it to be saves the day or say anything. I've seen saves the day once before at bamboozle a few years ago, and it ruled. they were good this time, too. but I just felt a different vibe. then max came out next and I was so happy. first time seeing them, and it ruled. too many fatties where I was standing so I went to the back for the rest of the set. I don't give a shit about being close, the house of blues is small anyway. I'd rather watch him comfortably standing up somewhere in the back. watching him sing is fucking awesome. I had a lot of fun. I met a few cool people, and I even got asked for my number. I sat alone against a planter between sets and I probably looked really dumb. haha. Then I went home and hung out with a friend from work, we watched gangs of new york. I went to bed around 6 or something, oof.

But, I still dislike the things I do as the new me. I waste time. I waste so much time, it's ridiculous. I really procrastinate to the final minutes, I lounge around and just choose to forget. It's weird, I'm so lazy. I'm so apathetic to it. It's 2 in the morning. I just smoked way too much out of my bong (which I absolutely enjoy every second of. I know it just sounds so dumb but I'm just sitting, and being calm. Taking deep breaths, relieving myself of thoughts about important things at that very moment, enjoying the silence outside on my backporch. I just think of the weirdest shit. Weird stories. Nothing relevant to what's going on in my life. It's so funny to me.) And then when I'm done, I go back in the house and go back to all the important things going on. I'm retarded though, I have an essay to do right now. and shit to study for. and I smoked, and now I just want to do other things that I shouldn't write about. I'm wasting time. But I can't move, I'll just keep sitting here.

Another thing, I am constantly needing confirmation. I ask so many goddamn questions, and they usually repeat. A lot, actually. I'm constantly google'ing and checking and asking. It's driving me insane. I am a dictionary and thesaurus maniac. my brain literally hurts.

also, I am currently in a vicious battle with my cats. every few minutes I have to run out to the kitchen and break up jerry and boots going at it. I don't know which one's being the asshole and starting it but it's really annoying. I break them up, scare them away, and run back to my room. Start typing again and get really into it. Then I hear one of them cry like a little bitch, and I'm like ffffffffuuuu. Run out there, find one of them, scare him away or whatever. Turn off the lights again and run into my room and get comfy. Then do it all over. Giving me such a headache right now. I just want to pass out.

I'm exhausted. I'm so unhealthy. and that makes me really unhappy.

I don't see anything changing. I don't see anything getting better, or anything getting worse. I don't have any passion that would turn into a career. I don't know why I said that. I have passions. Sort of. My priorities are really fucked up.

Alright, I need to write this stupid essay. I just want to cry, I hate myself for doing this. Ughhhhhhh. I avoided this goddamn essay for a week. Right down to the very night of, and the day of I don't really have much time to write it anyway. Wait. I'm starting to think about it. I think I want to write it in the morning....instead of right now. I'll just sort of start it tonight, and then really finish it tomorrow. I feel relieved. Now I'm going to do other shit and stay up still. Great.

This was a really dumb post. I can't believe I wrote all this. I was way higher than I thought. Fuck. I wasted an hour. Hahaha. All I can do is laugh. This is funny to me.

But then when I'm not laughing, I feel bored. And lonely. And judgmental. Back and forth, push and pull.

I need sleep. I need food. My diet is fucking crazy. I don't really eat much. I go days waiting 'til midnight to eat. It's strange. I don't think I feel very good. I can't tell because I avoid thinking about it until I smoke. and then I can't tell if I'm just making up shit because I'm high, or if I actually feel like shit. Then I get really upset with myself.

I just feel weird lately.

Not every single day is like this, just so you know. I have good days. Where I eat and something good happens, and I'm in a good mood. and I actually do shit. I get responsible and stay productive. This is an off day for me. This is just one of those days.

Sitting on the floor of my room, contemplating my moods and my actions. Lights are off, but my room is still lit from the little sunshine that is left from the day. It's silent, except for the sound of my fan rocking back and forth against my ceiling. It doesn't bother me anymore; it's more comforting than anything. Just sitting here, bored. Apathetic, yet so pathetic. I open my eyes and see Boots standing in my doorway. He meows at me, and I ask him, "Are you lonely, too?" He meows again, walks over to me, crawls onto my lap and falls asleep.

In that exact moment, I am lost, but happy.

coming around

I'm still tired. When am I not?

I have a really bad stomach ache. I need to change my eating habits, there's been a few days where I don't eat at all or only eat just one thing. and that one thing is never healthy. I can feel my body slowly breaking down, again. I keep closing my eyes and avoiding it, this. All of it.

This past weekend was really fun, san francisco ruled. My legs and feet are so sore, we walked around a lot. Went to the zoo, visited cool streets and stores, ate a lot of pizza and a delicious panini sandwich, played four corners and smoked. Had a good time, like always in san francisco.

I have officially decided, I'm moving there. with ashley. It's going to happen. It'll take time, but it will happen. I really miss her, and I am going to drive to her really soon. I was going to last night, but that was ruined. I need our logical and hilarious conversations over a nice bowl of weed and a yummy bowl of broccoli cheddar soup. I know she's feeling shitty lately, as am I. I wish we could be crybabies together.

Last night unexpectedly got really shitty. It's a really long story, but it sucked. Got in a bad fight at home with my parents. I was right, they were wrong. That's all that matters.

I'm realizing what's important for me right now, and what I should be focused on. I've lit the fire under my ass to really motivate me into being productive again. I've let myself slip into this pathetic shell of procrastination and self-doubt. My head is all over the place. But I understand where it needs to be. I've had a few revelations lately. I just have to figure out how to fix myself, really.

Okay, enough thinking for the night. Time to get high out of my new beautiful bong and watch tv.

comforter

As of lately, I feel a little slow. Maybe I'm just getting lazy, but my need for conversation is dwindling down to nothing. I don't want to think, I don't want to exchange my thoughts and ideals with another. I'm too lazy to prove to anyone how intelligent or educated I am. The only things I feel truly educated on would be weed and true blood. and I'm being serious. I'm too lazy to care right now.

I just want to lay in bed and watch the rain slide down my window. I just want to cuddle with boots and feel the vibration of his purring against my skin. I just want to lay here, and not think about anything.

Bed. I love being in bed. It is my favorite place to be.

just a fraud, just having fun

I just got home a little bit ago from seeing the social network with my sister. It was so good, I absolutely loved it. And before seeing that movie, I had taken my mom to see let me in. that was also really good, scene for scene with the original.

I still have homework to do. I still have an annoying cough. I still wake up extremely moody lately. Big surprise.

I went to get my hair re-dyed today, and it turned out a dark brown, with the slightest hint of a red. I am happy with it, satisfied. Finally, ugh.

I am counting the days until max bemis serenades my ears from only a few feet away. and saves the day, fuck. I'm excited. Eleven days. I'm going alone, and I don't care.

Intentional or not, it has really gotten under my skin. I'm giving it a few days, but I don't expect anything new.

Wait until the last moment to speak your mind. I'm waiting.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

slow down

I'm feeling better. I just wanted to write that.

I smell optimism, possibly. The past few days have been exhausting and stressful, but now that they have passed...I can breathe. I need to stop stressing so much. I'm going to have a heart attack.

I'm always asking questions. They're all I think of. What if, what if, what if.

It is officially october, and I'm going to be positive and smile. Last halloween was boring. I stayed home with kyle, and the year before that, I spent crying in the dark room of a house at a party, because of kyle. I hope this one is enjoyable. goddamnit, please, let it be enjoyable. I always have a shitty time on halloween. It is a horrible pattern that I really want to break.

Lost my car for a few days, but I have money again. It is such a relief.

I'm struggling with some school issues right now, but I'm figuring it out. I bombed the essay part of the art history test, but hopefully I did alright on the short answers and other questions. It's over, so I'm avoiding thinking about it. if I don't think about it, it didn't happen.

I like forgetting things. it makes it easier for me.

I'm counting the days 'til I see max bemis sing, I'm so excited. and I'm going to san francisco for a couple of days with josh. that's going to be fun, I love that place. I hope it's not so chilly this time, oof.

I wonder if I'll get to sleep in today. I can't remember the last time I slept in. it was definitely before school started. Fuck. being busy is so tiring, I just want to lay around for a few weeks to recover.

I need sleep. I need sleep. I need sleep.