whoopi goldberg

It has been a whole week since I last wrote. oof.

I took a shower a few minutes ago, and I felt absolutely sick. the hot water made me want to throw up. it was such an odd feeling. now I just feel disgusting.

I had a really good weekend. spent it at the river with my parents, my sis and her boyfriend. we also brought chessie and boots. chessie went crazy in the water, and like always came out weighing twice as much because she swallows so much water. but this weekend was really refreshing for me. Smoking, drinking, playing apples to apples, going on the boat, swimming in the river, attempting to get a tan. hanging out with my family. It really put things in perspective for me.

Came home and realized I forgot about my homework, so I stayed up quite late. I just feel so tired lately. I wish I could sleep all day, every day. and that you could join me.

I was staring at the uncompleted and completely trashed building directly in front of me, confirming my belief that I will never live in Arizona - it's too ugly in too many places. sitting in an Autozone parking lot, my mind is wandering onto silly and useless thoughts. just another moment, just another day. I'm wiping the sweat off my forehead, waiting for him as he ruffles through his bag of necessities. he starts speaking defensively, "You know that I'm having a hard time lately, and I'm pissed off, and I need to just have a moment to myself, alright-" I glance over quickly to comprehend what the hell he's barking about to see him pull out a cigarette and a lighter. I look away as my heart sinks immediately into my stomach. I can hear the cigarette squeezed between his lips, his voice muffled, "I need to have a cigarette. I need it, I fell off the wagon, I need to have it, I'm not happy right now, alright, I'm stressed." I bit my lip to hold in the sniffling that was bound to happen. eyes filling up with tears, I spit out, "I thought you quit..." I look over to watch his rough hands cupped around the cigarette to protect the flame. "I started again, a few weeks ago. I'm stressed, okay. Don't give me any shit. If you tell your mother, you might as well sign the divorce papers, okay? Might as well sign them yourself, you think about that." At this point he's rambling and I've already stopped listening. I tell him, "I'm not saying anything, because that's your own fucking problem. You can be the one to tell her." He's still rambling, informing me that I will be the one to create issues if I were to say anything, as if I could take the blame for something that isn't my fault at all. After a painful, long moment of silence, I blurt out, "Is this why you're okay with me smoking weed? Because you feel guilty?" He pulls the cigarette out from between his lips and looks over at me. "We all have our vices, don't we."

into the white

Well, it's been a week. at this moment, I am tired. I am drained. I don't want to move.

my positive attitude has slowly morphed into just an apathetic state of mind. but that's okay. all is well.

I just got home. I am drunk, I guess. I am out of it. I am...I don't know. I just am.

money sucks. I thought this bank thing would work out, but it's just making me more upset. screw the economy, screw the idea of money. screw not having it.

also, school wasn't that bad. my classes aren't too difficult. the only one I know I will struggle with immediately will be the art history class. I find the material really interesting, and I even like the teacher. I just know I will have a hard time with memorizing all the facts and names. my memory really blows lately.

I wish you would stop calling me and writing me. I don't know if you think these voicemails and depressing texts are helping the situation. I am done with you. please let me live my life. you've already held me back from so much; now that I am happy, I won't sink back down for you. the last time I saw you, you finally admitted it was your fault. and it is, I won't take the blame. I deserve better and I am moving on with my life.

I wish I could say I wanted to remain friends, but you can't even respect me enough to be honest with me. it's been almost nine months since we've been apart. and the last time I saw you, you still had the nerve to lie straight to my face. a year and a half full of so many moments, and all for nothing. at this moment, I just don't care anymore. good luck with everything, take care.

today's sunday. that means true blood. fuck yes.

black holes and revelations

I guess this would be considered my last night of summer.

I must say I'm bummed. I didn't even think about it like that 'til someone mentioned it today. school starts tomorrow. school. I don't want to remember what school feels like. I'm not even prepared. I don't think I have any notebooks, any paper, and I have no idea where any pencils are. I don't know anything right now.

I've just been in limbo lately. I've forgotten what's going on around me. because I've been happy. I've been out of my mind. in a few ways.

I forgot what it feels like to feel happy.

this past week or two, I've worked my whole shift a few times. that was cool. I'm glad I got a bank account, because the money is out of my hands, and out of my mind. and it's nice knowing I have money, sitting somewhere safely.

on monday, josh had asked me to accompany him to dinner on thursday. of course I said yes. we went to a place called phlight in whittier, and I had a really nice time. we tried these things called 'bacon-wrapped dates', and judging by the taste of it, it was a ball of cheese covered in bacon. there was something in the center of it, but I have no idea what it was. it was very odd. but overall, the dinner went well. our conversations are always entertaining and enjoyable. after dinner we went back to his house and watched american psycho. cuddling with him and his adorable dog buttons was definitely the highlight of the night for me. I could get used to this.

I went to the growlers show on friday with ryan. that was fun, as always. growlers shows always rule, but each time I go to one, the kids get more aggressive. some dick always starts it off shoving people around, then everyone starts shoving and pushing. it's one thing to dance and maybe bump into someone by accident, but to fucking shove people around as hard as they did, it really got on my nerves. what the hell is the point? you guys are assholes. I can't enjoy a goddamn song without having to keep my arms up to block myself from harm or some asshole stomping on my feet. blegh. I saw sheilahn, and she "dddanced" with me for most of their set. I love her, and I miss her dearly.

comadre also played, that was sweet. saw a few of my friends getting into it, which was funny. different friends of mine, from different cities/states, and I watched them jump all over each other and sing with each other into the mic. it was awesome. very enjoyable.

Boots is passed out on my chest right now. I am full and pleased, and getting quite sleepy. I guess my last day of summer was alright. I worked, smoked, ate quiznos, took my mom to see the other guys, ate too many milkduds, smoked, watched true blood with my sister, smoked, watched big brother, smoked, ate an easy mac, and now I'm blogging about it.

reviewing my summer, I must say - I am pleased with everything. my car has been a big highlight of my summer. also, becoming best friends with ashley. smoking, all our hilarious and ridiculous moments. cassie coming home and seeing her, that also ruled. going to the fair, catching up. working and receiving alright paychecks. been to a couple of good shows this summer. seen a few good movies. meeting new friends, hanging out with old ones. meeting josh, getting boots. growing up. putting the past away.

I'm realizing what happiness should feel like.

you own the rest

No matter where I go or whore my mind, I'll always stumble home and pray I'll find you with your flame-thrower eyes and jilted smile so you can soothe my wounds and drain my bile.

you're no better than a lonely sailor

Sunday night was more eventful than I had thought it would be.

I got off work at 4:30, and ashley drove down from thousand oaks and came to the theatre. we went home and met up, smoked, then went to panera bread. it was delicious, as always. came home, smoked, watched the new episode of true blood. which was insanely good, as always. ashley had caught up to where we are in the middle of season three. that's a true friend right there. then we decided to see a movie, so we smoked, made a trip to rite aid for hair dye, another trip to walmart to get some candy, and saw dinner for schmucks. definitely a disappointment. came home, smoked, had some beer, and we dyed our hair. and those hours I spent intoxicated in my room, I received the oddest IMs or calls. just random people on facebook that I never talk to, and never want to talk to. then I received a call from an ex who started to cry and hung up on me because I wouldn't say "I love you, too." all the while I'm sitting there, just high and happy, watching ashley fall asleep on my bed. I looked at everything from a different perspective, and I realized - I am very pleased with my life right now. I don't want anyone from my past to continue to be a part of my future. I left you there for a reason. you are so dramatic, and my life is extremely easy without you.

I finally fell asleep around five, I stayed up and watched the new episode of big brother with ashley passed out next to me. the morning light was leaking through my dirty blinds and I felt good. tired, but happy.

every time I hear a song that I used to feel for you, I now feel against you. I don't know how to explain it. but my heart doesn't ache. my stomach doesn't drop. every lyric becomes my defense. the whole situation was so silly. I wish you the best of luck.

I have everything I could want these days. and I realize that I am extremely content and I appreciate all that I have. I've got a clean room, a good car, the best pets, good friends, my family, my home, a nice guy, weed, good music, a good job, and school.

my past is old news. you are old news.

I am a happy little girl. smiling.

there you go, there it goes

So if I'm a liar, and you're a thief

at least we both know where the other one sleeps

let's end this tonight

"don't just stare at it, eat it."

boots is running around, going crazy right now. I am high and tired, watching I Love You, Man. I made mac n' cheese, and it was delicious. I'm trying to think of all the things I'd like to type, but not much is coming to mind.

yesterday I went to the fair with cassie, ramsey, matt, bobby, jacqueline and other random faces. I still have seventeen tickets left over. hopefully I go again, I enjoyed the fair. going there high was an interesting experience. lots of loud noises, and it definitely intensified the rides. the zipper was great...cassie and I actually stopped screaming for a good thirty seconds, and we just let it sink in how scared shitless we were. I was basically reflecting on my life and accepting death already, ha. that ride is fucking crazy.

and tonight, I had a good night. I was scheduled 4:30-close, but I got off early around seven. went home, quickly got ready and drove to the show in whittier to see josh and friends. glad I went, I had a lot of fun.

I plan on sleeping in this morning, I'm tired as shit.

I need to get off the computer. meh.

there's something about the way you mimic patrick bateman that I find really attractive.

whatever we've got going on...I like it.

goodnight.

buzzelli buzzed

why am I awake.

I was laying in bed, high, tired, texting and watching shark shows, and brandon calls me. he is one of the ushers from work, a little on the slow side. people only invite him somewhere to make fun of him or make him do stupid shit. and he calls, and calls, and calls. finally I answer, and he needs me to come pick him up. he's drunk and throwing up still, covered in vomit and piss. great. says some guys pissed on him. who knows. I pick my friend ryan up on the way and he brings towels and new clothes. brandon admits he lost it to a stripper, wasted money at the stripclub, and is now over a thousand bucks in debt. at that point, I could only shake my head. I mean, really...what the hell, dude. dropped brandon off to a very pissed off mother. she thinks he's a meth head. it doesn't matter, that kid needs a good talking to. and maybe shouldn't be let out of the house for a while. it's sad that people take advantage of someone's vulnerability and ignorance. but really, he's not that ignorant. he must know these people fuck with him. but then again, he is sort of crazy...who knows. who knows. I just feel bad.

I wanted to be sleeping at this moment, but whatever. so it goes.

I have to wake up in a fucking hour anyway. my mom's waking me up early for my registration. gotta be prepared, gotta be ready. fuck school, it already sucks.

the other night ashley and I went to a party and saw some friends. hung out with tyler and steven after, that was interesting. our friendship is a lot stronger and greater than I thought. I am glad I found her amongst all the annoying people in buena park.

but, unfortunately, she moved to thousand oaks on sunday. I am super bummed. now, I have no one to smoke with and drive around and be goofballs with. to go to panera bread, to smoke and go to work, to make fun of fellow employees. I wish we became friends earlier in high school. but then again, sometimes I don't because I don't think we'd appreciate each other like we do now. I'm glad knowing we'll always be friends, though. and I know we'll commute to each other.

man. this past weekend has been great.

my parents went away to the river, so having the house to myself was nice, as always. went to see the growlers with sheilahn and julian. smoked and hung out, 'twas very fun. all the bands were pretty good, the lights were sweet. growlers ruled, but played a short set. sheilahn swore the last time we went that she would take her bra off and throw it at brooks, but she didn't. fortunately, she pulled through this time. took it right off and threw it at him, and it landed right on the mic. she got it back, and I hope she hangs it on her wall. she was stoked, it was too funny. I love sheilahn.

then, on sunday, my parents called and informed me they were on their way home. ashley was over with her kitty. at this point, ashley couldn't keep the cat, and I was thinking about asking my parents. it's a four hour drive home from the river, so I decided to make ashley help me clean my closet out before they got home. it takes me months to clean out my closet, and it's still not clean when I do. it took ashley and I three hours. that's fucking amazing. no one understands what a burden that closet has been on me. now, it's spotless and organized. a wave of relief washes over me each time I open my closet doors. a pleasant reminder: no more problems. my parents come home, and I show my mom my room. we surprise the cat on her, and then I plead my case as to why I want to take care of the cat. only took me like twenty minutes, but she was on my side. I then took the cat to my dad's room, where he instantly said no, but only ten minutes later he was already talking about what to feed the cat and how to take care of it. so now I have a kitten!! I changed his name to boots, because his feet are so cute. we've already bonded and I promised ashley I'd take good care of him. when he sleeps in my arms, it's just the most heartwarming thing.

although, jerry is pissed at me. and it's breaking my heart. he won't even come on my bed anymore because of boots. over time, I hope he forgives me and we all get along. but watching him walk up to my doorway and give me those eyes, as if he's saying, "how could you?" and turns and walks away with his head hung low. it's killing me.

I saw charlie st. cloud tonight with cassie, bobby and michael. I thought it was a really good movie, and efron is a beautiful thing. I don't care what you say, that movie was good and efron rules.

oh, also, I now have over $700 worth of american apparel clothes...for free. from the sweetest guy I've ever met. I am the happiest camper right now.

I have a baby kitty in my arms, a shitload of new clothes, a beautiful clean closet, and everything else isn't so bad. this week should be pretty decent. registering today, hanging with josh on wednesday, going to the fair with cassie and ramsey and friends on thursday, and I close on friday but hopefully I get off early because I want to go to a show in whittier.

oh, also, in twenty minutes these guys are coming to insulate my walls. finally, holy shit. unfortunately they're a little late, since summer's coming to an end. but whatever. still stoked on it, now winter won't suck as hard.

things are pretty good. I guess I'll try to fall asleep. but there's probably no point in trying.

fuck. maybe I'll sleep all day today. maybe.

I know you waited

So let my hands stray past the boundaries of your back

to get you breathing, and get this started