I rarely eat anymore. I do not have any kind of eating disorder. My body just rejects food. To put it simply. If I'm hungry, nothing looks tasty. Every delicious snack I ever used to enjoy looks gross now. Tootsie rolls. Ew. Chocolate ice cream. Oof. Salami sandwiches. Barf. Milk products. Kill me. I can't take it anymore, agh. I force myself to eat. I'm not hungry, really. If I am, the slightest thing fills me up. Today, I took it too far. Now I just wanna throw up and sleep, ha. I had my favorite subway sandwich (wheat bread, ham, swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato, cucumbers, pickles, and oil n' vinegar...the only sandwich my body enjoys) and I was pretty full. But I was watching my soap, and I finished my sandwich before the show was over..and I needed to keep eating. Idunno, I have to eat when I watch tv...it's sad. So I decided to eat these cinnamon donuts my mom bought (like the powder ones, but cinnamon powder...nomnomnom) and I had a glass of milk with it. It took me about 10 minutes to finally decide to drink the milk. I knew it would kill me. but I did it anyway, for those few seconds of deliciousness as the milk washed down the tasty little donuts. And right after, my stomach was growling and howling. I was holding it, pissed off at myself. haha. then my mom comes home and she's like, "are you ready to go to TGIF?" and I'm like ugh, yeah. I can always push myself to eat, which isn't a good thing, really. So we go, and we get the $5 jack daniels burger, or whatever it was. It was really good, but fuck, so filling. By the time I was done, my stomach was turning, screaming at me. My belt was cutting into my tummy, I wanted to cry, ha.
I don't know what happened to me. I used to eat like a champ. And never get full. And I was hungry, like a normal person. Something's wrong. ugh. Out of all things, why food. why.
Today's been a really "I'm gonna complain" sort of day.
In photography class, we're building our camera obscura. Mine is crooked. In my eyes. My teacher and everyone else says it's fine, but I see it. The crookedness. It really ticks me off. I've taken my wooden box apart and re-glued it four times already. And it won't be how I want it to be. Everyone else says "no, it's fine, it's perfectly square." I get on my knees and kneel at the desk, eyeing it the whole period. Re-gluing, cutting, sanding. I want to throw my box at my teacher and yell "you lied to me!!" hahaha. I'm going crazy in there. And I still need to paint it. goddamnit. I don't know what I want to paint. fuck.
My right arm still aches from the flu shot yesterday. ugh.
And over the weekend, Idunno what the fuck happened, but my right hand's middle finger's nail, around that part of the finger..it's swollen as hell. Big ol' fingertip. I stuck a needle close to the nail, into the skin..and squeezed and all this yellow liquid stuff came out. The people that sat across from me in class were like ewww but I thought it was kind of cool, ha. I've been squeezing it all day. Hm. I don't know what I did to it. what the hell.
After my mom and I ate, we went to see Surrogates. It was pretty good. A bit slow in some parts, but I enjoyed it. Then we went to Office Depot because I needed to buy a binder and some dividers for photo. All the dividers were so friggin' ugly. I was so annoyed. All white paper with that ugly gold stripe, with ugly colors for the tabs. I spent 40 minutes in there. Staring at the dividers. What happened to all the pretty ones!? You know, the colorful transparent flippy paper, with pretty tabs. Cool tabs, cool paper. what the hell. I bought some over summer, but they don't have any of those now. My mom was getting all pissed, and the guy that was helping us kept laughing at me, ha. I know I have a problem. A mild case of ocd, or something. I don't know. I have some issue. agh.
I sniff milk before I drink it. I don't care if it just came from the store, if the person next to me is drinking it. I have to sniff it. And I'll make you sniff it. And try it. I can't stop.
I don't open my soda cans up all the way. I click back the tab thingy 'til it's just barely open, enough for me to squeeze the can so some soda comes out. If someone opens it all the way, especially without asking, I'm mad.
I have to have two ice cubes in my orange juice.
I usually drink all my drinks with both hands. like a little squirrel.
I never write essays on paper. If a teacher asks me to, I become really frustrated and get fussy. and I start to write mean things on the paper.
I have to read the info of whatever I'm watching on tv. If I don't, I get pissed and don't want to watch. I can't stand when people won't let me read it, like my mom does sometimes. I ask her to click info, and she won't, so I'll grab the remote. I need to know what it's about.
I'm a perfectionist. I don't "brain storm." I hate that. it's stupid.
I have to make sure I've spelled everything correctly. I hate people who can't spell. retards. I have to correct them, or it will bother me. For hours.
If I edit a picture, I will edit it probably ten different ways. And compare all of them. For over an hour.
...I could go on and on.
I don't know what the point of this blog was. rambling, complaining.
My kitty Ariel is all curled up next to Eeyore. That's her mom. She pushes her little paws into it and sucks on the fur. it's pretty weird, really. but cute. and she falls asleep every time. and her little snoring sounds make me happy.
babygurl.
I'm going to go finish Amazing Race. and hopefully Tool Academy.
I'm probably gonna have a few more donuts and milk. ugh, shoot me. stupid.
my finger's throbbing.
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