negative, negative, negative.
I just feel like shit. biting my lip to hold back tears.
I feel like I'm always battling this. that. you. all of it.
hokay, here we go then.
Work on Saturday was long, but it was okay. Abe's back at work, that's cool. Had to borrow a few bucks from Ryan to buy myself a pretzel (doctor's orders..). I didn't have money for a whole week. Spent it all at the Brand New show, or the last of it. Came home from work, didn't do shit. Didn't feel like it.
I called Kyle on my ten minute break, and he, of course, puts me in a shitty mood. I can't believe you fucking had the nerve to suggest that to me. ugh. So the rest of the day was crap. Our conversations were just so fucking awesome. dick.
I know when I'm being stupid or foolish, or irrational. But I have every fucking right to be upset over this. Considering you were a douchebag and there's something you'll never admit, I still have other reasons for this to be a no-go. and it definitely will always be a no-go, I am not down to be a part of this. not one bit. and if you want to, go for it. fucking go for it. cause I won't be around. and I'm not threatening you. just letting you know. I won't sit by and deal with that shit, every day. put myself in a position that I should never be near. no thank you.
Out of all the things you could choose. It's like you don't consider how I feel, you just jump to the conclusion that I'm being stupid. well, fuck you for that.
I know I can be crazy, but I feel so strongly about this, and the fact that you don't even listen to me really pisses me off.
As you can tell, my Saturday ruled. I came home and hung out with my mom. We watched a movie, The Uninvited. It was actually alright, a good twist. I want to be that one girl..ugh. she's so fucking pretty. I don't know where she came from, but she's really cute. bitch. hah.
On Sunday, I woke up early and painted my camera obscura. it's awesome, I painted it all black. and the shutter piece is a big circle, and I painted Jack Skellington's face. Soooo sick. I'm stoked on it. I know my teacher's gonna say there's not enough to it, but I think it rules. He says to paint something that describes us, and I think it does. plus it just looks so sweet. I'll take a picture of it when I bring it home again. I took my first picture with it today, and I have no light leaks, sweeeeet deal.
Hung out with Care on Sunday night. She picked me up and we went back to her place. We went to Starbucks and I bought a sandwich from Quizno's, cause they're so fucking good. and it was, hah. Went back to her place, and then waited for Skaggs to come over and match bowls. Skaggs lags, hard. haha. He brought his girlfriend, who I've met before. Name's Jordan, she went to Cassie's school. I just found out that she lives in Buena Park, totally didn't know that. but I like her. And I definitely like her and Skaggs together, they were so cute. so anyways. We matched bowls, Skaggs had a joint. I don't know what it was, but it was tasty. The paper or something. Skaggs and his girly left, and Care and I went back to Starbucks. We decided we were pretty hungry, but Quizno's was closed. so we went hunting for a Jack-in-the-box, but to no avail. We spotted a Burger King and decided that was good enough. Bought like, four whopper jr's and a large fry, and a big drink. It was pretty good, except for those damn onions on the burgers. ewiez. Picked up her boyfriend and his friend Alex, and we went to a show in la. Saw the Spits and some other bands. It was a good show. The first band wasn't that great, but the rest were chill. I was still really stoned, for the rest of the night. We smoked on the way there, too. So I was just like aaaaah. hah. I was so high during the first few bands, my eyes were glazing over. and I was pretty high when I got home. Got home at like 2, my mom was like mehmehmeh. I hate some oatmeal cookies and slept in my sister's bed, cause she didn't want to be alone. (She saw Paranormal, just as scared as I was).
and today wasn't great. My photo teacher really pissed me off, he was rude today. Wasn't there early so I couldn't nail my shutter on before class. And then when I asked him to have the supplies needed to do it, he gives me them, but no knife, and I need the stupid knife to do the damn thing. and he takes forever to come out of the dark room. I hate going in there, it hurts my eyes, ha. and then he won't even help me, like he said he would. So I do it by myself. gay. I left my binder at home by accident so I didn't have my work to turn in to government, even though I wanted to turn it in friday but the sub said no. But my teacher believes me, so she's letting me turn it in tomorrow. I always do my work, so yeah. And then I know I bombed the notebook check in English, I wasn't keeping up like I should. I didn't understand what he wanted in the notebook. hopefully he goes easy on us this time, it's only first quarter.
I don't have plans for halloween. I'll probably go to Care's party on Friday, but for halloween night, I've got nothing. and I don't know what I'm gonna dress up as. probably peter pan. who knows. I gotta get an outfit. I need to go to disneyland and get a hat and a sword. I don't fucking know. ugh.
I kind of want to stay home, but then I just want to go out and get fucking smashed. and say fuck you. last halloween sucked.
Saw Stepfather with my mom tonight. It was okay, nothing special. The son in it, who's supposed to be a senior (he's really like 22) was really cute. He's the brother from John Tucker Must Die and he's in Gossip Girl (blegh). cute boy. But yeah, the movie was alright.
My mind was somewhere else.
After our conversation tonight, I don't know what to say. If you say that's what you're going to do, no matter what. have fun. and go for it. but I can't handle that, or put myself through that. so I don't think that I'll be a part of it.
this isn't looking good. just gonna keep waiting to see.
I really hope you don't go through with this. I don't want this to fucking happen.
but I don't think you care.
I don't feel well. I feel sick. sick to my stomach.
"There is a better world
Well, there must be.."
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