what a pity

So it's been a week since I've blogged...and not that much has happened.

But then again, so much has...

or maybe it's all in my head.

I worked last weekend, and it was a bit busy, thanks to New Moon.  So many "team Edward", "team Jacob" shirts...I'm team fuck-twilight.  but I haven't found that shirt yet...but I'm pretty sure it exists, ha.  Some people that I worked with were being little bitches...I'm tired of floor leads favoring people because they wanna stick their dick in them.  but hey, what can I do.  Other people that I work with, like Ashley, Michael, Maria, Jonay, Charmaine..I love working with.  They make it fun, we all make it fun.  Thank goodness for them.

Cassie was down for the week.  I got to see her, and it was great.  She looked so good, she gets more beautiful each time I see her.  Cutest little face I've ever seen.  Met up with her at disneyland..best hug we've ever shared.  We jumped up and down in each other's embrace like little school girls, ha.  I've missed her so fucking much.  I need her.  Disneyland was fun.  We held hands and looked like lesbians, but really cute ones.  hehe.  Went on a few rides, then left an hour early.  Went to Mike Cesario's house, where Mike, Sabrina, Birdie, Taylor, Stephen, Jeremy, Riley, and a few other dudes were.  We all went to some mexican restaurant place, and Madison met us there.  Him and Birdie are so fucking funny together, it's ridiculous.  I haven't had that much fun in a while.  My stomach hurt, from laughing so hard.  Spent the night at Cassie's, and she took me home in the morning.  She'll be back in three weeks...I'm so excited.

More disneyland.  More hand holding.  More warm hugs.  More best friend talks.

More Cassie.  I need more Cassie.

There's nothing like being with your best friend.  She completes me.

I had that audition..it was quite the experience.  It's been a few years.  I couldn't even remember how to do the introduction on camera, or anything about the process.  But it didn't go bad or anything.  We got there almost two hours early..so we sat in the car for a little.  Decided to go in early to see if they'd just take me early, and they took me right away.  A sort of attractive dude, dressed pretty trendy, was sitting there by the sign-in sheet.  Looked at me and called me in to the room, where some other dude put me with "mother", "father" and it was supposed to be a "brother" but all they had was another girl, so she was the "sister".  It was for a sprint commercial, had to do with nascar.  I think I did alright, I only had like a few lines, but the guy filming us said we did a good job and thanked us for not doing it like babies, like other people had.  So that was cool.  Call-backs are tomorrow, I think...so hopefully I get a call or email.  I completely forget how they tell you about call-backs, ha.  It was such a rush, going in there, being judged...I kind of missed that.  Can't wait to start driving, get back into this..I like the thrill.

I have nothing exciting going on right now.

This wasn't that great of a break.  I'm just bummed.

I miss my friends.  I'm going to start going out more again.  I need to stop being such a homebody.  Am I doing it because I enjoy it, or because I'm afraid of being yelled at?  Because you'll get upset...I've lost sight of what I enjoy and what I force myself to enjoy.

I picture myself in a completely different social situation.  I think I'm better than where I am....at home.  Doing nothing.  Being nothing.

Really bums me out.

I just need that car.  and I swear my life will be different.

I know it.  fuck those who doubt me.

Kyle was here for almost the whole week.  It was nice in the beginning...but it just got worse.  We got to the river, which was supposed to be pleasant...and all we did was bitch.  We fought so much, it was so emotionally exhausting.  I am drained.  Yelling, arguing, crying...my head hurts, spinning in circles.  We've never fought so much.  I love you, but something's wrong.  and it's really getting to me.

I feel like our plans aren't lining up anymore.  It's different.

I think we spent too much time together...and all our issues were just surrounding us.  Other people, texts, your struggles, my parents...it wore us down.  We just need time and space.

I need time and space.  I need sleep.  I need friends.  I need tylenol.  I need to smoke.

I need to bury my head into the comforting dents I've created in my pillows and take my mind somewhere else.

I need...I need so much.  But it's so hard to say.  to tell you.  anyone.

I want...I want so much.  And it's the same.  I can't say anything.

because I haven't figured out how to say it.

words.  words.  words.

I'm drawing a blank.

Next paycheck, I'm buying paint supplies and more weed.  Maybe some clothes.  Things that make me happy.

I'm gonna get lost in my mind.  I already am, but I'll make it a positive experience..

My fingers have run out of energy...I'm done.