it was never appropriate

Not so much the night I had planned. As happy as I was a few hours ago, I have completely broken down now. I wish I could push this all out of me, but it's gripping my insides. I can't let it go right now.

Everything started fun. I went with ramsey and matt to pick up cassie, and take her back here. we then went to jessica's house, her and michael were having a party. And it was fun, nice to see everyone, and a shitload of people I didn't know. but it was comfortable and entertaining. Everyone was singing and playing guitar and swaying to the music, it was fun. and everyone was drunk, just dancing to silly songs and made-up tunes. Megan stopped by and I tagged along with her to take tyler to david's house, where he was having a little party. Said hello to everyone, and saw steven, who was completely upset to see me. I was quite confused. and he just got up and shoved me so hard, I was shocked. he started cussing at me and saying some rude shit, and I was so surprised, I didn't know what to say. he was so disgusting, with spitting and whatnot. I've never experienced someone so ridiculously repulsive and childish, and extremely drunk talking to me like that. and I was so fucking high, I couldn't comprehend what was happening. ha. just in a state of awe right now. the rest of the night was okay. went back to jessica's, everyone was still singing and swaying. it was comforting somewhat. there was a little more drama there, but all is fine. I've just become comfortable with the fact that many people can't be around me, can't handle me for too long. it's understandable. sometimes I don't like being near myself either.

I've had so many mood changes in the past few hours. I just snapped out of whatever that just was. I was crying and feeling it for the first time in the past month or so. I felt the weight of it, it broke me down. it was absolutely pointless, but I felt every urge to do so. to do the idiotic thing, and start something that I obviously can never finish. there was no point. just an impulse I couldn't resist.

I act on impulse way too much. I wish I could stop. I really do.

I'm sorry for even starting a conversation with you. I still think of you and feel the disappointment and anger and hurt as I did when I broke it off with you. You fucked things for yourself, and I wish you didn't. I wish you wouldn't. but I do wish you the best of luck, and I hope things turn out how you'd like them to, for once. really.

but don't go talking back to the same people who once played an important part, a real negative part, in your life. in relationships that mattered to you, at one point. please, just don't. for yourself.

My eyes hurt. I don't understand myself right now. I think that mood has left me. I think my high is fading, my drunkenness is leaving me somewhat. now I just sit here on my bed and scratch my head. confused. what was the point of all that? why did I make myself feel that? force myself. a drag, a click, a sigh of resentment. there was absolutely no point.

I make no sense. and it bothers me every day.

The one time I tried to do something for someone other than myself, it blew up in my face. and I hadn't realized it was so serious 'til I thought about my actions. and I guarantee this makes sense to no one reading this. because it is so random, to me, to my thought process. random person. it wasn't necessarily you, but it was the situation. and you're not one who got away, because I let you, easily. there's that thing I can't control, and that's what makes my fingers curl and my thoughts run bitter. I'm a bitter person. If I can't have it, I will resent it. I will hate it. I will try to be a part of it, and when I do, when I succeed...and feel the success of feeling needed and gaining control, I lose all interest in continuing the process. there's no point to what I do. I understand myself, and yet I don't.

I know when I wake up, I will feel so confused and exhausted. I'm seeing the black lips tomorrow with julian. That shall be fun. I'm excited, for different kinds of reasons.

I should go to bed. My makeup is all over my face, it's quite amusing. Haven't felt like this in a few months. Just a random punch to the gut, lump in the throat. and it's passed. like a quick storm. thank goodness. I was losing my mind.

I'm the kind of person who needs distractions. and the distractions never satisfy me. because I'm an endless cycle of some fucked self-fulfilling thing. I can't explain.

I feel retarded. absolutely insane.

I just need to stop.

I want another blowpop. fuck, goodnight.