I feel so out of it today. it only took a few days to put me back in my place, to make me realize that I am too picky, too jealous and too damn judgmental to be happy these days. I wish I could clearly express all my emotions and ideas, but I can't. and it's seriously killing me.
I am just so goddamn lonely. I'll say it. I'll admit it. I'm fucking lonely. I just want someone to hold my hand, to kiss me on the forehead. to find me adorable and love all my ridiculous flaws. I want someone to tell me how much I mean to them. or to just make me smile, I just want to laugh with someone. I want to feel genuine. I want to be able to sit beside someone and embrace the silent moments, because they're comfortable. I don't know why I ache so much lately. I ache for familiarity. my stomach turns when I think of it. you are just a symbol to what I need. I miss the idea of it. I want to get physical, I want to feel the comfort of someone under my sheets, entwined with me. I want to kiss someone's shoulders and feel the warmth of their hands on my skin. I don't care how this sounds, to be honest. I'm just lonely. I miss feeling satisfied, and content with all that surrounds me. the only times I ever felt that way was with my boyfriend of a year and half, when we were laying in my bed. the warmth of another's skin against yours is so genuine and honest to me. I feel trust, I feel safe. I feel. I miss feeling, that's all.
I miss kyle. I do. I miss the moments when it was just me and him. when all the other factors of our relationship would disappear, in the moments where we'd be under my covers, entangled in one another. that's when I felt most happiest, my whole body was filled with joy and contentment. I would honestly forget about everything else, and only feel him next to me. those are the moments I miss, that I need.
there are only a few people I can think of that I felt anything remotely close to this emotion I long for. and I can't have them. number one is just a memory, that I know I can't go back to; and although I think about it often, I am better off without him. number two is so busy, he'll never have the time for me, and to be honest I don't think he'd ever want to make the time. number three is childish and ignorant, with the craziest ex-girlfriend, and he'll never appreciate me for what I am. it's really annoying.
and all the flings I've had along the way, something was always missing. and it's nothing to cry about. I am too young to worry about these sorts of things. I just miss having a best friend, that I could be completely myself in front of. whether it was in public, or if I was stripped of all items of clothing. I want to feel close. I want to feel.
I want to feel something.
and that's not always a good thing. sometimes I become too eager and too impulsive, and my hands wander into places I'd rather they wouldn't. they are anxious and curious, they twitch and reach out for a sense of comfort. I wish I could control myself sometimes.
"these false starts, these small meals...they're for my starving hands."
after what happened, I just feel stupid. I shouldn't let my impulsive tendencies get the best of me. I know you felt it, too. but that doesn't mean shit, I guess. just act like it never happened.
I don't know why this blog turned out to appear so depressing. I don't feel depressed. I just feel deprived. a bit misguided. but more lonely than anything.
I haven't slept much. today I finally fell asleep and felt comfort. I was high and passed out watching freaks and geeks. I was pleasantly happy. but I woke up and felt out of place and uncomfortable. I hate the feeling after a nap, I am too warm and I feel like I have a fever. it sucks.
I listened to 'limousine' and I cried. I haven't cried in a while, I think. it was odd. brand new always breaks me down, but it feels so good. and it reminds me of you. how could it not.
I want it to get warm out, and stay warm. not summer hot, just warm enough to wear a dress and not get chills. I just want to fall asleep, and wake up in june. I need the smell of summer, I need it's noises in my ears.
I guess that's it.
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