elephant ears

I just feel really empty lately. I've realized I really don't like what I've become. I am needy and selfish. I make myself vulnerable and I leave myself open to people who will never give a shit about me. so I use them before they use me. and I leave faster than they can leave me. because I know how this game works. you're in, you're out. and I just want to stop and crawl under my blankets, and fall asleep. and act like these things never happen.

and if I could see you right now, I would. as much as I feel this ache in my stomach that keeps me away from you, there's something in my heart that is pushing me towards you. I know you'd understand. I don't need you...I just miss you. I miss it. it gets me every so often. I miss the feeling of having one person to run to for your every need. it's been too long, I can't even remember what it feels like. caring about someone so much, every thought revolves around them. every action comes back to them. I don't even want to remember. because if I feel it again..the moment I lose it again, I will break.

is it weird that I want to hold a person I've never met? I don't know what it is, but I am drawn to them, in the oddest way. I enjoy the conversations and the laughs, and I enjoy the company, through the screen of my phone. maybe it's better that I never meet him. I feel like I'll fuck it up, and this is the last friendship with the opposite sex, or whatever this is, that I feel completely comfortable with. I guess this is one of those "I wish you lived closer" kind of moments.

I've decided I want to be alone. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want to go on a date. I don't want to fuck. I don't want anything. I don't even feel attracted to people anymore. any sexual act or physical contact with another just makes my stomach ache, I don't feel much anymore.

I'd rather be alone with myself, than feeling alone with everyone else. if that makes any sense.

all I need is weed, and brand new. they get me by, they keep me company. they're my best friend right now. I am so happy when I'm high, and listening to jesse lacey. a better state of mind. smile.

I haven't slept much. I stay up too late, reading and weeping.

I am flawed. and it makes my body ache.