mother's day

I'm in a really bad mood.

and of course it's on mother's day.

and this post will be a big rant.

all these mixed feelings have been building up inside of me, and they have finally pushed their way out. and now I just feel angry at everyone. ha.

I just want to cry. I cried last night and relief just washed over me. it felt so ridiculously good. it was one of those moments where you wish someone would hold you. but I don't have anyone. so that sucked.

today was mother's day. I slept in 'til one, and my mom woke me up and told me we're going out to eat. we went to chili's, and I drove us there. my dad is the worst backseat driver, and it was really pissing me off. and when I was parking he was just yelling at me, so eventually I just cracked and started fighting with them. I know I was being childish, but I kept saying that I didn't want to go in and eat with them, because at that point I didn't want to be around them. we got in a big fight in the parking lot. I knew I looked like a little asshole, but I didn't care. finally I came in, and I was just biting my lip and holding back from crying. it was just one of those days. eventually I felt better, and we all were being nice together. I was happy my sister was there. I had work at 4:30, and it was fucking busy. nothing was stocked, the floors were all wet so I was constantly sliding and almost eating shit. everything was a mess, I was so pissed. and customers were being dicks. ashley and I were so upset, ha. we were gonna be the first people sent home early, and right when we get back from our lunch, they only send me home. I felt so bad, ashley was just as mad as me. I'm happy to be home and in my bed with my cat. I just want to scream at everyone.

I need to pick up again. I need to smoke. I need it. I miss it. and it's only been a day. I'm so much happier when I'm high. but the sober me hates the high me sometimes. but if I had to choose...I'd choose the high me. cause I like to mind-fuck myself into a state of oblivion to the point where everything seems just fine. it's so much better that way.

I hate rude customers.

I hate boys.

I hate not having weed.

I hate my parents when they attack me.

I hate bad kissers.

I hate rude drivers.

I hate my managers lately.

I hate how slow school feels lately.

I hate feeling used.

I hate being used.

I hate ex-boyfriends.

I hate ex-girlfriends.

I hate people.

I hate how slow time passes.

I hate this lonely feeling.

I feel so lonely.

and I love my cat.