I went to chino hills today to get my hair done by pat. I wanted to go back to red. it didn't turn out like I wished it would. it doesn't look bad or anything, I've just had this red before...plain n' whatnot. I wanted something brighter. I don't know.
I'm not happy with myself. in so many ways.
It's been a while since I've cried. and I mean a real cry, the kind that starts in your stomach and pushes through your chest to your throat. and I guess today was that day. I returned your call and I knew exactly what it would consist of. Me apologizing and explaining while you tell me I haven't given you a reason. when I have, I do. all the time. I hate hearing you cry and upset, it's always truly bothered me. and I apologize, and you argue, and it's the same cycle. I hate explaining my reasons for leaving, because I don't want to hurt you even more. You can't change who you are. and I can't change you; a year and a half of trying has proven that. and I'm sorry. the phone call seriously upset me. You were my best friend, and I hate that things had to end this way. but it had to. and that's my point. As much as I hurt you by leaving, you hurt me for months. and I couldn't keep sinking like I was. I'm better than this, I had to leave. I know you loved me more than anything. and losing that connection was extremely difficult. but I had to do it for myself. and I will tell you and try to explain to you, over and over. I still have your ring, and a few of your belongings. eventually you're going to have to come get them. and I'm sure the talk we have in person will be even more difficult. to face you after weeks and weeks of not speaking. and all I can say is that I'm sorry. I really am. sorry that I couldn't change you or fix you.
the phone call just set off some bomb inside of me. Everything I've been holding in for the past few months just resurfaced, and there was no controlling it. I came home and rushed to my room, jumped in the shower. I haven't felt that weak in quite some time. I sat on the floor with the water running and just sobbed. I felt so pathetic and powerless.
I've lost my motivation to be active and productive. my determination in school has decreased, too much. I just fall asleep in class now, getting lost in thought and losing focus on work. I wish I wasn't losing focus, I wish I would just continue to make smart choices. but I know I won't. not 'til I get my head back on my shoulders.
and I have no idea when that will be.
I just don't know what it is that's really getting to me. I guess it's everything. I've pushed so many things aside, I didn't want to deal with 'em. and now, they've all surfaced into one giant problem. how annoying.
I just want to smoke right now and fall asleep. I have the worst headache ever, and I just wish I had a friend right now to push me and make me do something..right.
all I can think about is....I can't even say it.
goodnight.
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