not really, but enough to fuck with my head. sort of.
I'm not sure. I don't know.
friday, I hung out with ryan. his two friends were a hoot, definitely no shame. it was fun; the situation was a little awkward, though. hah. he's cute and entertaining, and it's not awkward with him. so it was a good night. the driving on the freeway part was super sweet, it was calming and refreshing.
I have really fallen in love with driving and listening the black lips. a sweet high makes it that much better, but even without that, it's so amazing. I become completely entranced in those moments, and my mind wanders into sweet curiosity. it's probably my favorite thing to do now.
then I come home, lay in bed, and sulk in my odd state of mind.
spiteful, intolerant, vacant, bitter, vague.
I wish I could be more open about things. but I'd just look miserable. and I'm not.
I just feel like I'll never be happy like the way I want. at the level I want to be.
because I constantly reach my hands out and feel for things, hoping to grasp on to something that actually fills me with contentment and some sort of joy that I can't feel anywhere else.
but I seem to just be reaching out to the wrong things. wrong places. wrong people.
trial and error. trial and error. trial and error.
lots of errors.
on Friday, I was walking...err, running out of my room, and my foot got caught somehow between the carpet and the tile in my doorway, and it hurt so fucking bad. I couldn't stop running, and I ran/limped all the way into my parents' bedroom. I finally looked down and saw lots of skin hanging off my big toe on my left foot. lots of skin, lots of blood. lots of pain. Right when I saw it, I felt how much it hurt...I started crying immediately. I hopped back into the hallway and into the bathroom and just screamed out for someone to help me. I haven't cried like that in years, to be honest. I have not felt pain like that for a very long time, ha. my sister helped me take care of it. It's like it wouldn't stop bleeding, so disgusting. I ripped off some of the skin, because it was pointless to leave it hanging there. I swear, it was a few layers of skin...it was a deep gash looking thing, ugh. gushy, bloody skin. fuck my life. I got it wrapped up yesterday. whatever. so pissed I even hurt myself to begin with..I shouldn't have been running. stupid me.
yesterday was stressful. it was the first day in a long time that I had to seriously do homework. I haven't done homework at home for a few months, really. I put off the essay for my English class. he really didn't give us the actual prompt 'til this last thursday, so I blame him. ha. we had to write an essay on the value of life, whether you can put a dollar value on a life. I definitely believe you can, you do, and you should. it happens every day. I worked on it for hours, and turned in just minutes before the due date. thank goodness. I wrote what was needed, I'm sure I'll get an average grade on it. play by the rules of school, and you get alright grades. I'm down with that strategy right now, too lazy to really put an effort into my work as of lately.
lost my motivation. for lots of things.
My room is horrible. I haven't seen it this bad in a while. I don't know why it's so hard for me to clean up after myself. I should, it's not hard. I just think, "I'll come back to that later." and I don't. someone, please, help me. I'm such a mess, ha.
my mind is just somewhere else lately.
I guess I'm bitter over the situation. I didn't think it bothered me 'til a few days ago. I shouldn't really have expected anything of it, it wasn't anything special. it's just been a very long time since I've felt that feeling in my stomach. it was extremely refreshing and appealing.
not much I can do about it now. lesson learned, I guess you can say.
I'm like a child. sometimes I become moody and bitter when things are taken away from me. I'm usually the one with the power, with the control over what I do, and for someone else to decide how it's going to be, it annoys me. I can't help it.
I'm listening to edward sharpe, and in one of his songs, it sounded like he said 'tootsie rolls', and I just got extremely hungry for tootsie rolls. and it reminded me that my mom bought a shitload of bags of 'em.
stoked. getting out of my bed to go get them from the kitchen sounds like a mission, though. I don't know if I have the energy.
I probably don't. we'll see.
I shouldn't stay up. I haven't slept much this past week, I've been staying up 'til four or five, for no reason. I need sleep. my body's starting to ache again. I remember this feeling. it's not a friend of mine.
I got up to get the tootsie rolls. totally worth it. they are delicious.
today was valentine's day. I had work, five to close. It was quite busy, lots of couples and whatnot. it definitely got on my nerves. at least I worked with my favorite people from there - jonay, michael, abe, nick. jonay and I smoked on our lunch, that was nice. I'm sure all those stupid couples enjoyed their valentine's day.
no point in it. no point at all.
I think it's the feeling used part of the issue that bothers me. I don't know.
that would be very hypocritical of me. really.
I just want to close my eyes and forget about so many things.
time for sleep, time to try and erase these emotions I can't ignore.
cooooooool beans.
I can't win.
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