no hope, no harm

I don't want anyone. I don't. I don't want all the attachments that come along with a person. it's too much work. I don't want to waste my efforts on lost causes. and everything is a lost cause right now.

but it's nights like these, where I can't help but feel lonely. sometimes, I just want to have someone. I don't know how else to put it. I hate sounding needy, and I don't mean to. I just want...to kiss someone, and not feel ill. to feel the friction of someone else's skin and to not feel sick to my stomach, or uncomfortable, or disgusted, or even nostalgic. to wake up to someone and to not feel used and insignificant. I just want it to fucking mean something. it doesn't mean anything anymore. I hate it.

I hate how easy it is. to use and be used. I used to enjoy the cycle, because I was the one manipulating. but now I can become so vulnerable, it makes me feel so weak.

the wasted efforts, the aches and the long nights remind me that trying is pointless. everything falls into pieces, it's one big shitty puzzle piece. I'm tired of trying. I'm too tired to try. I'm too tired to do anything.

I'm just so bored with everything. I'm not even interested enough in trying.

I'm tired of being let down. that's what I'm tired of. so if you don't build yourself up, then you won't be let down.

"no hope, no harm."

I wish more people were awake at these hours. I wish it was acceptable to be outside right now, walking around. driving, socializing, eating at places, shopping. I wish stores were open, and not weird ones. just normal stores. I wish night hours weren't any different than day hours. I wish I could walk down the dark streets of my neighborhood and not feel any sort of fear. I'd just wander around, my path illuminated by dimly lit street lights. but no, I don't feel secure.

I don't even feel secure in my own bed sometimes. but hey, what can I do, besides lay here, completely vulnerable. I'm a sitting duck. every day, I am a sitting duck.

you're a sitting duck, too.

I just hope it gets you first.