reading the tao of pooh. I can't stop reading it, I love it. stoked.
I'm high, so I'm somewhat okay. full from an in-n-out cheeseburger and fries, and then a crapload of tootsie rolls. not such a good mood earlier.
nothing too bad, but nothing good.
came home to find that the cleaners broke my buddha. pisssssssed.
San fran this past weekend was so fun. cas and I stayed at alison's, and we picked up sabrina in oakland and she stayed with us, too. friday night we smoked and walked around san fran, rode the muni and buses, explored. it's so awesome there, I loved everyone's vibes. drivers are assholes, but people outside of cars were great. super friendly, so sweet. saturday we smoked, went to the beach, went to the zoo, explored some more and then went to a party. I was drunker than I thought I was, oof. but it was fun, just freezing outside. went back to alison's apartment and smoked and watched mean girls. sunday morning we went out to the bridge and took pictures, then headed home. the most fun I've had in a long, long time. cas and I were saying how we really needed that. we were super happy.
on the way there, we stopped in tehachapi to say hi to joe, and I wanted to see kyle but he was no where to be found. we stopped in bakersfield to see paul. and on the way back from san fran, we stopped in bakersfield again for a few and then tehachapi, where we met up with joe and kyle. I haven't seen kyle since early december, so I was a bit nervous. I actually was a little bit scared, and I'm not sure what kind of scared. I gave him back his ring, and we talked. I didn't expect to cry, but I did. as I was sitting with him, with many silent gaps between our fumbling conversation, I realized how none of it mattered anymore. all the lies and mistakes of our past, because it's pointless to dwell on now. it doesn't put a hole in my stomach anymore, although the bad memories still annoy me. but I've put it past me, to the point where I can talk about it with him and laugh a little. it's pointless, pointless to argue and point fingers. a year and a half of that, no more. and as our conversation would get emotional, then silent, then back to normal, I realized how much I still want to be his friend. I told him that, and I couldn't help but cry a little. I know he's still a mess, and I hate that I couldn't help, but now I want him to be able to speak to me and still come to me for comfort. he was my best friend for a year and a half, and I relied on him and needed him for everything. I was my complete self with him. that comfort between us is too valuable for me to give up. so we're going to remain friends. I just want the best for him, and I hope that everything works out for him. I really do. we kissed goodbye and it was sad and at the same time, comforting. I felt like it put closure on it, for me. as we sat in the car and made a few jokes, I felt so much better about the situation. I could breathe again.
his band's playing in long beach this saturday and I'm gonna go. why not, sounds fun. I just want to stay connected.
in san fran, I thought of many things that I want to start over with. work on. continue. when I got home, I was a happy girl. and although school this week has sucked the life out of me, I know deep down, I'm still that happy girl.
I'm just tired and lacking motivation to sit at school for those few hours. but I can't stop thinking about my future and what I want to do with it.
can't stop listening to tegan and sara. man, I have missed them.
twitchy fingers. and even though I know I'm full, my mouth still waters when I think about possible things to eat. gain more weight, yesh.
god, I'm high. and I'm happy that I'm high.
just waiting for this mood to improve.
it's thursday night, so many good shows on. thank goodness.
No comments:
Post a Comment