last week of high school, then graduation next week. fucking finally.
I've been lost in myself these past weeks. I'm fighting two different sides of me. I can't decide which side I'm really on.
every time I think I need you, every time I feel that deep urge to converse with you, to be a part of your life...you remind me that I'm just foolish. you won't change. the thought of it creates a deep ache in my chest, in my mind. thinking of you now just hurts. I can't decide whether I should cut you off completely or hold on for something...what that something is, I have no idea. secretly I hope you'll emerge from this and prove us wrong, but whether you do or not - you're still not here, with me. you're not with me. and sometimes I can't decide if I want you to be here or not.
listening to everyone else's issues makes me miss mine, the old kind. it's been months, and at times I have the worst withdrawals for it. when I was actually in those positions, of long nights spent on the phone arguing or when we'd sit on my bed and I couldn't help but cry. I know this sounds really odd. who misses this kind of crap, honestly.
I just miss the connections I felt before. I don't feel those anymore. I can't find anything like it. I think I just get too lonely sometimes.
and then there's those moments where I realize that I'm fucking eighteen and I just want to have a good time. I want to make new friends and explore. get high and drunk and hang out. get out. leave behind all these irrational emotions and memories. I want to start over, so badly.
I'm excited for this weekend. on friday I'm taking the train to la with tyler, to walk around and have fun, go to a show. staying the night there and taking the train back in the morning. then on saturday I'm going to a show at chain with josh, that should be fun, too.
I just saw splice with my mom. that movie was fucking weird. but awesome. never been attracted to adrien brody 'til now, holy shit. so weird, but so hot.
I'm excited for summer. the warm heat, shorts and dresses, shows with friends, driving over freeways, beers, bud and babes. (lots of babes, I hope.)
hi .. i found your blog a time ago & love your music choices... you also have a nice way of writing, i can tell you' re creative .. a unique girl.. but something really bothers me ... if you don't mind my sharing with you.. i'm just a mom, not a stalker or creeper or anything.. i love to read other blogs for the writing, (i write), & the art, photos & music... and while reading yours, picked up such a sadness, almost like depression or a feeling of hopelessness... and you are so very young to feel this way.. ! maybe you just have a meloncholy personality. I have a son your age, he graduates next week too - congrats! my daughter is almost 16, a junior next year. but - back to you - and don't get pissed & storm off, just read & consider what i'm saying - i could be way off, but i wonder if you know how really special you are? that you are one of a kind, there's no one else like you & ONLY you can fill your spot in this life... you have talents, a purpose given you by God Himself - He loves you so much and has an incredible hope for you! He wants a relationship with you - with each of us. I didn't know Him until i was 33, but I so wish i would have known Him when i was your age. maybe that's what it is, maybe you remind me a bit of the way younger me. i don't know, but i just felt compelled to tell you how special you are! feel the joy - it bursts out all around you but you have to have the eyes to see & the heart to accept it! if you have a bible laying around, read Psalm 139 - it's the coolest Psalm about how God knew you before you were even in your mom's tummy! :) i wish you joy & peace, the kind that only He can give you - it can't be found anywhere else. i know, i looked in all the wrong places for years....i hope you enjoy your graduation and all the festivities! this is a weird time, leaving high school & looking at what others may or may not expect of you - be yourself - don't be afraid to really check out what's what.... who'd know anyway? well, God would but He's the good guy. :) bye for now.... j.
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