"..it's called a glaze"

Forget my last post.

I just don't know what to say anymore.

We're on the phone right now, and we just fought for over three hours. I am so exhausted. It's the same old cycle. We can't escape it.

We just have to work around it, I guess. because I didn't work this hard for over a year, and go through all these struggles with you, just to say, "hey, we tried. let's just go our separate ways."

I can't handle that. I won't. I won't let that happen.

And after all that arguing, crying, bickering..we're having a normal conversation again.

I'm listening to you ramble about cooking. You sound like a nut, but I enjoy every second.

I wish things could sound like this all the time. Simple, happy, talkative. But we're not like that most of the time...we bicker, pick each other apart, lie, scheme, play william tell. it's so frustrating. Always fighting with you. almost never at peace. When does it end?

You act like I'm always putting you down. I don't understand why you can't see that I just fucking care for you, and I hate when you involve yourself with drugs, and fuck yourself up. I hate when you put yourself in such shitty situations. I just want the best for you. always.

I am not childish. I can't stand when you belittle everything about me. it's completely unfair..you don't get to act like an adult when you're far from it as well.

I wish you'd acknowledge my feelings. Realize that they're much more than what you call "jealousy." There is no jealousy here. and I mean that honestly. It's distrust, it's uncertainty, it's insecurity, it's worry, it's fear. It's so much more. and you belittle it all. to put yourself so high, when we're really at the same level. but you'll never admit it.

I don't want to be at war with you all the time.

I don't want to play william tell forever.

A glaze. We need a glaze. ha. something that will always make this taste better, make the outcome that much sweeter. something that will please us both. a compromise.

I'm waiting for you to make a move, so I can decide what I want to do in my future. Remember how it used to be you "building your life around me"? It seems it's the other way around now. You won't consider how I feel about anything you're doing, and I'm the one who has to manage my wants and needs around your new life. that you 'have to do'.