number nine with my head on the bar

Seems like a good time to blog.

Listening to brand new, eyes closed. just laying here, on top of a gushy, comfy cloud. my fan is cooling down my warm, angry body and my quick-tempered mind. jesse lacey's voice is loud and echoing and it's perfect. I am high, for now. I am calm, for now. I am happy, for now. but I was not happy a few hours ago. and I, most likely, will not be happy later tonight.

I am moody, I am bored, I am spiteful, I am annoyed, I am regretful, I am hurt. I am alone, as usual.

Sound and fury was fun, and santa barbara is sweet. I didn't party like I wanted to, although I did get stoned. quite a lot. they sold edibles there, which was exciting. saw a lot of good bands, lots of friendly faces. there were some moments where I was upset, but overall the weekend was nice. any thought I had about moving to santa barbara quickly disappeared though, ha.

Today was a kids' tuesday, of course. they have seriously calmed down quite a bit since last summer, though, so I am pleased about that. although the mess in the theaters is still disgusting. you'd think after showing free movies to these cheap bastards, they'd have the decency to clean up the mess of all the disgusting knock-off crap they sneak in, but no. they throw it all over the floor. kids' days consist of many mexican families, different daycares full of hyper little shits and buses full of mentally challenged people. they all have one thing in common: I can never understand what the hell they're saying. which makes everything suck. hard.

I work tomorrow, scheduled 2-10. I want to go to moscow with ramsey and everyone, so hopefully I get off early enough.

This saturday, I will be seeing the growlers, for free, with sheilahn and friends. saturday is gonna rule.

and on october 16th, I will be seeing saves the day, say anything and motion city soundtrack, for free. I'm taking ryan because I know he would appreciate it just as much as me.

I need to pick up again. it saddens me how fast I go through my weed as of lately.

I want to take a shower, so I'm going to. I just want to feel clean. I feel so dirty and flawed.

The sun's going to set soon, and at that point I won't even want to go out. I think I'll just stay in and continue to be the homebody I've so humbly become.

"If you let me have my way, I swear I'll tear you apart."

they keep calling me

I am high. I am bored. I am tired.

I open in the morning, it's a "kids' tuesday." I can't even explain how annoying those are.

listening to good music. comfy in my bed. I am happy.

I'm going to sound and fury in a few days with cassie. it's gonna be fun, I'm glad it's in santa barbara. I wanna party, bro.

I went on a date the other night. and I liked it.

I don't really have much to say. I am empty.

but content.

lord knows it would be the first time

I just woke up from a dream. too many things happened for me to recall. but I remember you telling me that my eyes were beautiful, and you wanted to hang out with me. you seemed genuinely interested in me. and I remember the excitement I felt, flooding my body. I don't know why I'm so curious about this.

I want to feel this emotion, when I'm awake. I want to feel you, when I'm awake.

ask me why

under the iron bridge, we kissed

and although I ended up with sore lips

it just wasn't like the old days anymore

no, it wasn't like those days

am I still ill?

the story is old, I know

April 10, 3:20 AM

"I miss you. I've been thinking of you all night."

It's shit like this that I miss. waking up to a text that reminds you -- you mean something to someone.

but what I don't miss, is when you meant something, but you didn't mean enough.

Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

no hope, no harm

I don't want anyone. I don't. I don't want all the attachments that come along with a person. it's too much work. I don't want to waste my efforts on lost causes. and everything is a lost cause right now.

but it's nights like these, where I can't help but feel lonely. sometimes, I just want to have someone. I don't know how else to put it. I hate sounding needy, and I don't mean to. I just want...to kiss someone, and not feel ill. to feel the friction of someone else's skin and to not feel sick to my stomach, or uncomfortable, or disgusted, or even nostalgic. to wake up to someone and to not feel used and insignificant. I just want it to fucking mean something. it doesn't mean anything anymore. I hate it.

I hate how easy it is. to use and be used. I used to enjoy the cycle, because I was the one manipulating. but now I can become so vulnerable, it makes me feel so weak.

the wasted efforts, the aches and the long nights remind me that trying is pointless. everything falls into pieces, it's one big shitty puzzle piece. I'm tired of trying. I'm too tired to try. I'm too tired to do anything.

I'm just so bored with everything. I'm not even interested enough in trying.

I'm tired of being let down. that's what I'm tired of. so if you don't build yourself up, then you won't be let down.

"no hope, no harm."

I wish more people were awake at these hours. I wish it was acceptable to be outside right now, walking around. driving, socializing, eating at places, shopping. I wish stores were open, and not weird ones. just normal stores. I wish night hours weren't any different than day hours. I wish I could walk down the dark streets of my neighborhood and not feel any sort of fear. I'd just wander around, my path illuminated by dimly lit street lights. but no, I don't feel secure.

I don't even feel secure in my own bed sometimes. but hey, what can I do, besides lay here, completely vulnerable. I'm a sitting duck. every day, I am a sitting duck.

you're a sitting duck, too.

I just hope it gets you first.

no surprises

I've been listening to radiohead so much lately. it's so soothing.

I could lay in bed all day, listening to them. and be completely happy.

My life is boring. I serve people tasteless popcorn, I don't have any significant other whatsoever, I lie in bed through the night and stare at my ceiling, I sleep through the day to avoid anything related to a social life, when I'm online I just lurk because I'm so curious, I listen to music to avoid thinking, I am extremely friendly with my weed because it's my form of a handshake to another, I only eat when I'm high, so I'm eating a lot, I keep old text messages because I'm that bad of a hoarder, and I have condom lubricant on my college assessment papers, and I didn't even laugh, I just left it there. and I don't know why it's there.

I'm so bored.

My life has gotten so boring, there was a moment where I realized--

I'm touching myself, while listening to radiohead, while google thesaurus-ing the word 'happy'.

My priorities in life are quite funny, and nonexistant. there is nothing going on with me.

I just want something fun to happen. I'm just waiting. I've been waiting.

I have to be up in a few hours, have to open at work. that sucks, I feel like it's been too long since I've been there. only a week, I believe.

july 4th is coming up. yay, loud noises.

low budget telethons

got time to wander, to waste and to whine,

but when it comes to you, it seems like I just can't find the time.

eh, that's it

well, I guess I should write in here. it's definitely been a few days.

I kept putting it off, because...I don't know why. I just did.

I graduated from high school on june 16th. woop woop. the girls had to wear the ugliest yellow, that was bullshit. I didn't care and I wasn't excited like everyone else was. I just wanted to go home and pass out. we had family over, it was nice to see everyone. people made the biggest deal about graduating...it's high school, it really wasn't that hard. you should graduate high school, it's not a huge accomplishment, you know.

grad night turned out to be really fun. ours was on a yacht, ha. I think it was in newport, not sure. they boarded all the kids up and shipped it off, and we were out in the water for a good five hours. there was a dance floor, food, blackjack tables. it was hilarious. I had smoked before, of course. and before my friend offered me one of his beers. I couldn't turn that down. then on the boat, my friend offers me a pill. The last time I took that shit was two years ago, so I thought, why not. it was definitely intense. I don't think I've ever danced like that. ha. I felt ridiculous. I puked once, thanks to the motion sickness of the yacht. but other than that, it was a great time. and I'm pleased with how grad night went. dancing and hanging out with good friends, some since preschool. it made me realize how sad it all was.

since summer has begun, I haven't really done anything productive. I finally registered for college. coooooooolbeans.

I went to disneyland with ashley the other day. after grad night, I wanted to try rolling again. so we did, and that was ridiculous. disneyland is truly a beautiful place. the people there..not so much. but by the time we got home, I couldn't sleep. I didn't sleep for a whole day. and any sleep after that only lasted one-two hours. I couldn't throw up, I couldn't do anything. it was the worst comedown ever. and after that, I don't want to try ecstasy again. I've had my share of experiences, and I don't want to do it again.

I had bought a ticket for edc for saturday only, just cause my friends were going and I wanted to join them. but after the other night, I sold my ticket immediately. I'm over drugs for a while. no thank you.

I just need my weed, that's all.

so far, it's been hot. I've been lazy. I've been smoking. I've been sleeping. I've been lonely.

I hope I find some sort of interest this summer. I don't like this same ol' routine.

I'm so lazy right now.

No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Alright. I've decided that my hate for you runs deeper than any other feeling I may have felt, and staying connected to you only makes things worse. it brings me more pain than happiness. you tell me you love me more than anything, and I'm telling you that you're an asshole.

"Thank you for reminding me I'm not special. You don't even see what you do to me. Even the moments I think are ours, it's just...you working to get what you want." - Luisa Contini

banging on this door

I don't know how I feel lately. I can't tell if I'm becoming happier or if it's just getting worse. if I'm just becoming more pessimistic and spiteful. I can't tell.

last week of high school, then graduation next week. fucking finally.

I've been lost in myself these past weeks. I'm fighting two different sides of me. I can't decide which side I'm really on.

every time I think I need you, every time I feel that deep urge to converse with you, to be a part of your life...you remind me that I'm just foolish. you won't change. the thought of it creates a deep ache in my chest, in my mind. thinking of you now just hurts. I can't decide whether I should cut you off completely or hold on for something...what that something is, I have no idea. secretly I hope you'll emerge from this and prove us wrong, but whether you do or not - you're still not here, with me. you're not with me. and sometimes I can't decide if I want you to be here or not.

listening to everyone else's issues makes me miss mine, the old kind. it's been months, and at times I have the worst withdrawals for it. when I was actually in those positions, of long nights spent on the phone arguing or when we'd sit on my bed and I couldn't help but cry. I know this sounds really odd. who misses this kind of crap, honestly.

I just miss the connections I felt before. I don't feel those anymore. I can't find anything like it. I think I just get too lonely sometimes.

and then there's those moments where I realize that I'm fucking eighteen and I just want to have a good time. I want to make new friends and explore. get high and drunk and hang out. get out. leave behind all these irrational emotions and memories. I want to start over, so badly.

I'm excited for this weekend. on friday I'm taking the train to la with tyler, to walk around and have fun, go to a show. staying the night there and taking the train back in the morning. then on saturday I'm going to a show at chain with josh, that should be fun, too.

I just saw splice with my mom. that movie was fucking weird. but awesome. never been attracted to adrien brody 'til now, holy shit. so weird, but so hot.

I'm excited for summer. the warm heat, shorts and dresses, shows with friends, driving over freeways, beers, bud and babes. (lots of babes, I hope.)