side one

A rivalry goes so deep,

between me and this loss of sleep over you.

I couldn't stop, so I swerved to the right

My eyes still burn.  But I feel better...a bit of the weight on my shoulders has been lifted.  thanks to me.  for stopping myself from breaking myself down.

I guess I'll just ignore it and bitch until the time comes.  where I already know how I'll feel.  how you'll act, with reactions and actions, I don't know.  I worry.

I'm really not happy with it.  it makes me feel sick and upset.  and I'm not backing down.  I'll just bite my lip.  I've already lost too much sleep over this, and you.

School's been whatever lately.  I have basically all A's still.  I probably always will.  I'm starting to fall asleep at school, I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this.  I really don't want it to be like last year.  I think I need a weekend of sleep or something.  to catch up.  fuck.

I memorized my twenty lines of Hamlet for English.  I present Friday.  I hope I don't choke.  I'm sure I'll do fine..ha.  Hamlet's such a conflicted dude.  bummer.

I took a picture of my box.

Jack's face looks better in person.  the shape doesn't come out well on my webcam, and the eye looks weird.  but it looks fucking perfect in person.  maybe I'll just have to take a picture of it with my nikon later on.

I went to the same sex store I did last year for my elf costume and bought the stupidest costume ever.  I think it's funny.  It's just this slutty piece of lingerie...with cat ears.  It's like the equivalent to the Mean Girls scene..."I'm a mouse, duh."  hah, I think I have the right to be slutty this year.  I haven't before, I've never really done shit for halloween.  so whatever.  and I don't even know what I'm doing this year.  I'm going to Care's party on friday.  but Saturday, I don't know.  might just drop acid with Kyle...that should be interesting.

I bought some bud...dankies.  haha.  I'm stoked, it smells delicious.

Bought a black chest of drawers today.  I needed one, wanted one for like three years.  so finally.  thanks mom.  We should be getting it friday.  if only I could fucking push my dad into getting the loft bed like he promised.  ugh.

I just want to paint.  I...I want to..do something.

so many ideas.  my hands are giddy and impatient.

I've never seen so many dead animals in the road like I have lately.  it's sick.  not a good sick, I mean it's shitty.  really dampens my mood.  ha.

I'm trying to be positive.  about everything and anything.  it's hard.  because in the back of my mind...I know.  I know.

I just hold my head in my hands.  and feel burdened.  guilty.  lonely.  upset.  relentless.  motivated.  unmotivated.  frustrated.  annoyed.  pity.  pushed.  forced.  vulnerable.  weak.

I'm losing ground.  losing balance.  losing any strength I had..

I just wanna find solid ground.  to place my tired feet.

my drained body.  my restless mind.

time for my iced oatmeal cookies.

suck it.

it's getting ridiculous

still awake.

still torn.

still upset.

still broken.

still arguing.

still depressed.

still frustrated.

still getting nowhere.

still absolutely losing my mind.

But honey pie, you’re not safe here

not in a very good mood..and so this blog is gonna be nothin' but negative.

negative, negative, negative.

I just feel like shit.  biting my lip to hold back tears.

I feel like I'm always battling this.  that.  you.  all of it.

hokay, here we go then.

Work on Saturday was long, but it was okay.  Abe's back at work, that's cool.  Had to borrow a few bucks from Ryan to buy myself a pretzel (doctor's orders..).  I didn't have money for a whole week.  Spent it all at the Brand New show, or the last of it.  Came home from work, didn't do shit.  Didn't feel like it.

I called Kyle on my ten minute break, and he, of course, puts me in a shitty mood.  I can't believe you fucking had the nerve to suggest that to me.  ugh.  So the rest of the day was crap.  Our conversations were just so fucking awesome.  dick.

I know when I'm being stupid or foolish, or irrational.  But I have every fucking right to be upset over this.  Considering you were a douchebag and there's something you'll never admit, I still have other reasons for this to be a no-go.  and it definitely will always be a no-go, I am not down to be a part of this.  not one bit.  and if you want to, go for it.  fucking go for it.  cause I won't be around.  and I'm not threatening you.  just letting you know.  I won't sit by and deal with that shit, every day.  put myself in a position that I should never be near.  no thank you.

Out of all the things you could choose.  It's like you don't consider how I feel, you just jump to the conclusion that I'm being stupid.  well, fuck you for that.

I know I can be crazy, but I feel so strongly about this, and the fact that you don't even listen to me really pisses me off.

As you can tell, my Saturday ruled.  I came home and hung out with my mom.  We watched a movie, The Uninvited.  It was actually alright, a good twist.  I want to be that one girl..ugh.  she's so fucking pretty.  I don't know where she came from, but she's really cute.  bitch.  hah.

On Sunday, I woke up early and painted my camera obscura.  it's awesome, I painted it all black.  and the shutter piece is a big circle, and I painted Jack Skellington's face.  Soooo sick.  I'm stoked on it.  I know my teacher's gonna say there's not enough to it, but I think it rules.  He says to paint something that describes us, and I think it does.  plus it just looks so sweet.  I'll take a picture of it when I bring it home again.  I took my first picture with it today, and I have no light leaks, sweeeeet deal.

Hung out with Care on Sunday night.  She picked me up and we went back to her place.  We went to Starbucks and I bought a sandwich from Quizno's, cause they're so fucking good.  and it was, hah.  Went back to her place, and then waited for Skaggs to come over and match bowls.  Skaggs lags, hard.  haha.  He brought his girlfriend, who I've met before.  Name's Jordan, she went to Cassie's school.  I just found out that she lives in Buena Park, totally didn't know that.  but I like her.  And I definitely like her and Skaggs together, they were so cute.  so anyways.  We matched bowls, Skaggs had a joint.  I don't know what it was, but it was tasty.  The paper or something.  Skaggs and his girly left, and Care and I went back to Starbucks.  We decided we were pretty hungry, but Quizno's was closed.  so we went hunting for a Jack-in-the-box, but to no avail.  We spotted a Burger King and decided that was good enough.  Bought like, four whopper jr's and a large fry, and a big drink.  It was pretty good, except for those damn onions on the burgers.  ewiez.  Picked up her boyfriend and his friend Alex, and we went to a show in la.  Saw the Spits and some other bands.  It was a good show.  The first band wasn't that great, but the rest were chill.  I was still really stoned, for the rest of the night.  We smoked on the way there, too.  So I was just like aaaaah.  hah.  I was so high during the first few bands, my eyes were glazing over.  and I was pretty high when I got home.  Got home at like 2, my mom was like mehmehmeh.  I hate some oatmeal cookies and slept in my sister's bed, cause she didn't want to be alone.  (She saw Paranormal, just as scared as I was).

and today wasn't great.  My photo teacher really pissed me off, he was rude today.  Wasn't there early so I couldn't nail my shutter on before class.  And then when I asked him to have the supplies needed to do it, he gives me them, but no knife, and I need the stupid knife to do the damn thing.  and he takes forever to come out of the dark room.  I hate going in there, it hurts my eyes, ha.  and then he won't even help me, like he said he would.  So I do it by myself.  gay.  I left my binder at home by accident so I didn't have my work to turn in to government, even though I wanted to turn it in friday but the sub said no.  But my teacher believes me, so she's letting me turn it in tomorrow.  I always do my work, so yeah.  And then I know I bombed the notebook check in English, I wasn't keeping up like I should.  I didn't understand what he wanted in the notebook.  hopefully he goes easy on us this time, it's only first quarter.

I don't have plans for halloween.  I'll probably go to Care's party on Friday, but for halloween night, I've got nothing.  and I don't know what I'm gonna dress up as.  probably peter pan.  who knows.  I gotta get an outfit.  I need to go to disneyland and get a hat and a sword.  I don't fucking know.  ugh.

I kind of want to stay home, but then I just want to go out and get fucking smashed.  and say fuck you.  last halloween sucked.

Saw Stepfather with my mom tonight.  It was okay, nothing special.  The son in it, who's supposed to be a senior (he's really like 22) was really cute.  He's the brother from John Tucker Must Die and he's in Gossip Girl (blegh).  cute boy.  But yeah, the movie was alright.

My mind was somewhere else.

After our conversation tonight, I don't know what to say.  If you say that's what you're going to do, no matter what.  have fun.  and go for it.  but I can't handle that, or put myself through that.  so I don't think that I'll be a part of it.

this isn't looking good.  just gonna keep waiting to see.

I really hope you don't go through with this.  I don't want this to fucking happen.

but I don't think you care.

I don't feel well.  I feel sick.  sick to my stomach.

"There is a better world

Well, there must be.."

you could drink up the entire ocean

It's been an exhausting past few days.

It was really nice, for the most part.

Went to silverado days with Kyle. They didn't have the zipper ride, I was so pissed. Took him to see Where the Wild Things Are. So amazing. The music, the emotion, the boy in the movie...I loved every bit of it. I kept tearing up, it was just so good.

I wanna howl like a wild thing.

Too bad I can't, I have no voice. I'm so sick, it's ridiculous. Cough, sniffle, headache, fever. I'm too warm, too cold. I can't control shit. And I keep losing my voice.

I was so bummed about losing my voice, because I couldn't sing like I wanted to, to Jesse Lacey's beautiful music. Took him to see Brand New last night. It was so amazing. Third time seeing them. Well, second time. Twice seeing Brand New, and then one time seeing Jesse Lacey. But that's like three times. They will always be my favorite band. I'll never stop loving 'em. I teared up during a few songs..the memories. It was a beautiful moment. A beautiful time. I loved every second of it. I bought a Brand New t-shirt, and bought him a sweatshirt. I wanted the sweatshirt, but this girl bought the last small, right in front of me. so bummed.

Manchester Orchestra was pretty good. His voice is really something. I didn't hear the songs that I liked, though. But that band is really good.

and then of course, I see things...visuals, words, just these things...that break me down in an instant. And I don't believe a word you say. and I question this whole thing. I'm not okay sitting here, just idle and dumb..waiting to hear the truth, and ignoring all the signs pointing to it. because I want you to say it. and you won't. And when a girl gets the feeling in her gut, like I did before...it means she knows. she fucking knows.

and I fucking know.

and I'm so upset right now. I've got a hole in my chest. a huge lump in my throat. and it's not just because I'm sick. I feel sick, about this. and you fight back and tell me I've got it all wrong. when I've heard it all before.

and you left your stupid toothpaste here. sitting on my dresser. you always leave something here. and usually it makes me happy, because it either smells like you or I just love thinking about you, but I'm getting all upset just looking at it.

I hate that it's okay for you to push me away, but when I do the same to you..I'm a bitch. and you tell me "enjoy life, bitch." and it's fine. I know I'm right, and you'll never admit it. 'til eight months later, after all the swearing and promising you've done to keep me pacified. It isn't fair. I'm not your fool.

you know that I can't take this anymore. you break my heart every single time.

So touch me or don't

just let me know,

where you've been

We could leave it alone

but I'm sure there's someone who knows..

where you've been.

smashley simpson

Today was a stupid day.

It started out as a good day, considering I fixed my stupid box in photo.  Now I can paint! finally.  And today was the day to donate blood, and I signed myself up.  so I get called out to do it, and they have me fill out paper work, blah blah.  You must weigh 110 pounds, and I used to..but now, I dunno what happened, I weigh like 104.  I used to be 117, but I've been losing weight.  So I just said I weighed 115, because who cares.  The questions on the forms were quite funny, though.  "For females:  Have you ever had sex with a male who's had sex with another male?"  hahaha, uh.  "Males: Have you had sex with another male?"  Oof.  Anyway..so I get called in, and this old lady takes me into a little box room and pricks my finger to test my blood first.  I think it was fine, but I know that I'm anemic or close to being it, so Idunno.  But she takes my blood pressure on my left arm, and says it's too low.  I know I have perfect blood pressure, so I thought that was odd.  86/60, that's not my usual one.  It's way better than that.  Maybe it's because I'm sick, but still.  So she takes it on my right arm, and that turns out better, but she still won't let me give blood.  I was bummed.  but I still took a shirt.  at least I tried, hah.  And I hope my picture is still in the yearbook.

I want to be a part of the school, damnit.

Smoked when I got home.  Relieved my baby headache from earlier in the day.  Made more mac n' cheese.  It's become an addiction.  Watched the soap, started passing out.  Fell asleep for a little.

Took my mom to see Whip It tonight.  It was pretty good.  I thought it would be a little better, but I liked it.  I love Drew Barrymore, Jimmy Fallon, and Juliette Lewis especially.  Landon Pigg was the boyfriend in it, and he was sooo attractive, hah.  He dressed so cute.

He wore these cute boot shoes...ugh.  Boys who dress like that are quite delicious.

Checked my schedule, I only work Saturday.  Whatev.

I'm on the verge of tears.  And I'm not really depressed, it's this fucking headache.  I feel like my forehead is a piece of wood, getting nailed by a hammer.  I don't know how to describe it, ha, but I wanna cry.  No matter how much I rub and clutch my head, or whatever tylenol I take...it fucking hurts.  Wanna sleep, but I need to shower, and there's so many shows to watch tonight..

The Office, Community, Always Sunny, Survivor, yada yada yada.

Thursday nights are good nights.

This raging headache is killin' me.  Gonna take some tylenol, eat some oatmeal cookies.  Those are so delightful.

There's these things I wish I could write about..but I can't.

They don't sound good.  and they most likely aren't.  But they are swimming through my veins like constant reminders.  I am lost.

Very, very lost.

I'm full of worry.  and anxiety.  and I have this awful feeling that things are slipping.

I don't want them to.  really.  I don't.

but I feel this ache that I can't save it.  and it kills me.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed, and my hopes up.

I just need a shoulder.  and some bud.

later.

"gummy bears!"

Happy.  Sort of.  About half the things in my life.

(the other half, not so much.)

I feel like I'm back to good times.  I've missed this feeling.

Friends.  Friends.  I miss people.  Lots of people.

Last week was easy.  School's easy.

Photo's pissing me off because I'm a huge perfectionist on my camera obscura.  Hopefully I can finish it by next Friday.  fuck.  But I have an A in there now.  I had a low B, but I thought that was weird, so we looked over my grade, and he forgot to enter my essay.  So now I have an A, like I should've before.  Stupid.

Finite seems to be easier then I thought it would be.  As long as I focus on her mispronounced words and definitions, and look over my notes, I'm fine.  B+ on my last test.  And I have a B in the class.

I love history.  I do my work right away, she thinks I'm a great student.  Last week, though, pissed me off.  We were discussing the election process, and they decide to have a little election in the class, to demonstrate how it works.  So they ask people to vote, and five people raise their hand (the five class clowns).  They write down the five names they voted on the board, and then she says, "Okay, these are your people to choose from."  and I got pissed, because only five people voted, and there's like 40 people in the class.  what the fuck?  I made sure to argue, because I was truly upset, hah.  Don't tell the class this is how an election works when it isn't.  The other kids that didn't vote just don't want to raise their hand, so she should've called on 'em.  And I got pissed because Jordan voted me, and Ms. Herd or whatever her name is ignored it, and wrote down someone else's name.  What the fuck.  Ugh.  But, other than that...I have an A.  of course.

English is simple.  Sometimes I don't like the assignments..like say/mean/matter kind of shit.  just bugs me.  but I have an A.

Feelin' pretty good about school.  yay.

Had work Thursday night, because they wanted a few people in for the midnight showing for Zombieland.  I was stoked, but they only kept us like two hours, haha, because no one showed.  Whatev.  Then work Friday, 2:30-10:30.  Pretty much worked the whole shift.  Then yesterday, 10-5.  Whole shift.  I've got a check coming up this Friday, but this one's gonna stink.  It has all my shitty hours on it.  The one after though, is gonna rule.  Hard.

I really want a peacoat.  damnit.

Friday, I hung out with Tyler, David, Shena, and some others at some dude's house.  It was chill.  Smoked with Ty and David&Shena, then off to the guy's house.  Played beer pong for a little, but there was some helicopter flashing lights down onto the houses around us.  It was trippin' us out, haha.  But the night was fun.  Good to be out n' stuff.

And today, I hung with Tyler.  We smoked, played some pool, listened to the smiths, took some funny pictures, ate a shitload of food, and went to see Zombieland.  Then we saw Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs.  Zombieland was sick.  And Cloudy was pretty funny, but you have to be stoned to watch it.  there's really no other way, hah.

It was sweet to hang with Tyler again.  besties.  Out of everyone from down here, in the past few months..years...Tyler and Yen are my favorites.  I don't talk to either as much anymore, but when I do, it's like nothing has changed.  the kind of people you'll always be friends with.  and always get stoned with.

The perfect friends.

My mom knew me and Tyler smoked earlier, she was hilarious.  She kept asking what smelled like skunk, and she'd follow us and say the funniest shit.  I love my mom.  I kept telling her "I didn't smoke..in your house!" haha.

I miss you.  but you're making me feel like you don't miss me, as much as you used to.  I know you're bothered..but the way you talk to me really bums me out.

Just want it to go back to sweet texts and cute voicemails.

Idunno what to do for halloween.  or what to be.  I probably won't dress up.

I don't give a shit anymore.

Last halloween kind of blew..

I'm still pretty high.  Smoked again when I got home.

Oh, btw...I went to a smoke shop with some dudes from my work, bought myself five beautiful pipes.  They're so fucking sweet.  Next week, I'm gonna go get a bong.  hahaha.  love money.

and I bought new vans today.  yay for sales.

Ugh.  cool.

My mood is quite dampened now.  I was chillin', fine..like twenty minutes ago.

Superglue and tape and mend it.

please.

"and when a train goes by, it's such a sad sound..

No..it's such a sad thing."

strangers on a train

I really like to ride the train,

especially when I forget where I'm goin'

I really like the way it feels...

the motion of the wheels

As the raging sparks are flying

from the wounded rails still crying

Battling the scenery

It's lovely, it's lovely

It's lovely, it's lovely.