ants in my pants

I'm high and up late devouring a box of milkduds. I eat a box almost every night lately. I'm addicted. I used to eat a box every night during the same time as my In-N-Out addiction a few months ago. Not like anything has changed, I've just slowed it down a bit. I should be going to bed because I need to wake up early for class...if only parking was easier the first few weeks. It's so aggravating trying to park right now because they're letting anyone park there, not just the people with parking permits. I can't wait for that to be over.

But hey, I am a happy camper lately. School turned out to be enjoyable, I'm optimistic about this semester. I go Monday through Thursday and I like my schedule. I'm going to do well, like really really well. I keep telling myself that. If you keep repeating it over and over and over, there's a good chance of it happening. That's just me being way too optimistic about it, but whatever. It beats going into the semester with a crappy attitude. Fingers crossed!

It's two in the morning and I am lurking so hard right now. What else is there to do? I'm creeping, it's just so entertaining. Especially private messages. Every new fact I learn about this particular person makes me want to throw up, then give myself a great big hug for never interacting him ever again. He is so disgusting.

I really hope I get the second job, that would rule so hard. I'd try to keep both jobs but if I couldn't, then I'd probably ditch Krikorian. I love that place but $9 an hour beats $8.25, ya know?

I went out to dinner with Jerrod's family tonight for his birthday. It was fun, his grandpa is really funny. Everyone was really nice and the food was yummy. I'm excited cause Jerrod and I are going together to Max Bemis' solo show in February. It's going to be sooo good!!

Almost done with the box of milkduds. Someone needs to take these things away from me...

The happier I get, the less I write.

That is all.

I saw Blue Valentine today with Cassie and my stomach is still in knots. It was so fucking good, ugh. I related to Michelle Williams' character more, but I took Gosling's character's side by the end of the movie. I cried and I laughed and I really really really enjoyed it. Such a good movie. It got me thinking...but I won't say anything more about that.

After the movie Cassie and I went to see Keith, and then we met up with everybody at Mike's house. We all went to Starbucks, and it was just nice being with everyone. Mike, Kyle, Keith, Alison, Lisa, Baker, Berti and Cassie. I love these faces, and I am so happy I got to see Alison on her first day back in town for a week. She rules. I hate that besides tonight I haven't seen her since the beginning of 2010, it sucks when good friends live so far away. Well, not that far...but far enough. Wah!

And yesterday I went to another show at the coffee shop to see everyone from the Yorba Linda area which was fun. Sheilahn drove down with Julian and Jordan and it was really sweet to hang out with them, too. I fucking love Sheilahn, I wish we lived closer so I could see her every day or something. Ugh.

Things are good lately. Really good. I feel positive and active, and awake. Nowadays I don't even sleep at all sometimes, but it's worth it. I oddly still feel very awake, in so many ways. I really enjoy the late-night 'adventures' and all the sing-alongs in the car, and all the trips to get food with friends and the shows we go to. I enjoy where I am lately. I am surrounded with good friends, good people. Good times.

I know I repeat the word "good" but that's because I'm not sure what else to say. Everything is just...good.

I work a lot still (well, not a lot...but enough) and school starts next week. I'm not ready but I swear that I will be once the 19th rolls around...

And hopefully I'm going to Disneyland this week with Jerrod. I really miss that place, I plan to get a pass again...if I don't get hired at the House of Blues then I guess I'll just have to buy it. Expensive but it's worth it. Hopefully I can find people to actually wanna go this time.

I am happy lately. I wasn't expecting this; it definitely took me by surprise. It snuck up on me and I was very hesitant at first, but now I am embracing it. I deserve to be happy, too, ya know.

There is nothing like getting high and listening to Say Anything. Complete happiness.

I want something or someone to motivate me. I want to be pushed. I want someone to take me out into the world and say, "Hey, isn't it so much nicer out here?" And I want to happily reply, "Yes, yes it is! I love it out here, I was totally missing out. Thank you for forcing me to go out and have such a good time." I want to go outside and do things again. Even when I have plans I sometimes choose to stay home. I don't know why I do it. Well, I do know. I'm stupid.

I want to blame other obstacles for stopping me from being a productive human being out in the real world, but the biggest obstacle would just be myself.

I really am a homebody. I blame it on laziness and my lack of motivation. I blame it on how comfy I am in my pajamas. I blame it on how comfy my bed is. I blame how good I feel when I'm high, and I blame how good food tastes. (I can stay home and eat all day.) I blame the fact that I really don't want to get ready to go out, because it's such a boring/lengthy process. I blame it on others for no longer giving me a reason to want to go out. I blame it on the times I've gotten ready for hours and then I was bailed on last minute. I blame it on the disappointment I feel when I think I'm going to have a good time and then I don't. I blame it on the fact that I would rather stay home than even give myself the slightest chance of feeling disappointed. (I do that quite often.) I'll point the blame anywhere really. Not like it matters anyway. Whatever my reasoning may be to justify my apathetic attitude, it does not matter. I'm just a lazy mother fucker.

I'm a little sick of being alone. It would be pleasing to feel the warmth of another in my bed, and to know that they are just as happy laying there as I am. Is it too much to ask to not be alone for a couple of hours? I don't think so.

I just want to get high and cuddle, ya know?

My first day of 2011 was interesting. I went to work at 4:30 and was in box office with Ryan, Sam, Ashley and Ray. Some older guy in a green jacket with a backpack (with a huge knife sticking out of it), a plastic bag full of random shit and a bible goes to Ryan and buys a ticket. He's a Vietnam vet so he was quite the character. He was saying things like "I just want to smoke a bowl" and talking about drinking and getting fucked up so it was pretty entertaining. We all go on our lunch and as we're walking through the lobby we see the vet sitting at a table. We come up with this "brilliant" idea to ask him to join us to smoke a bowl. He of course says yes and gets all excited and follows us to Sam's car. It turns out he really was crazy and he was talking about all the people he's killed and all the wars he's been a part of. He said he was a prisoner of war and was giving his opinion on Obama and a bunch of government crap. He kept saying he was a lesbian and repeatedly mentioned how much he likes girls, especially brunettes and he'd look at me and say it again. We'd laugh and pass the bong and the pipe around but we realized we were in a very awkward situation. He pulls out some alcohol out of the plastic bag and offers it to us but we pass. He was definitely wasted. He could've sat in that car all night but Ryan and I quickly leave cause we were on our lunch. Maybe twenty minutes later the vet is walking around in front of our window, saying really creepy things to young girls and just being a fucking weirdo. Then he gets kicked off the property cause I guess he went in the lobby and was talking to a bunch of children and was getting inappropriate. Then a little later two girls try to start a fight right in front of our window, yelling and cussing with their dudes holding them back. Then after that some kid punched a security guard and the guard knocked him to the ground and kicked him off the property, too. The Buena Park Mall is a crazy place, lemme tell ya.

My car has turned out to be a lemon. The dude who sold it to us was a liar, he was just flipping cars. My car's been in an accident and is pretty shitty on the inside. On the way to a friend's show my car completely broke down right in the middle of LA. That fucking sucked, had to get it towed home. We took it to the mechanic and they eventually see it's been in a wreck. It's gonna take $400-500 bucks to fix it, but after that it should be fine. I'm just so bummed, wah!

I had a good New Years, Ashley and I were high and watching some friends run around naked and jump in the pool. I came home and kissed Boots for my first kiss, and it was adorable. I just can't believe it's 2011. Ugh.

Some guy kept asking me what my new years resolution was. I could not think of one goddamn thing, so I've decided to make a list. Small things, but important things nonetheless.

- Focus more on school.

- Get a medical card.

- Grow my own plant.

- Keep my room clean.

- Get a second job.

- Go to the gym more often.

- Get a Disneyland pass again.

- Stay optimistic.

- Always have self-respect, and that I will always come first.

- Have a good fucking time all the time.

- Have someone dedicate lyrics from a Say Anything song to me.

- Get a boyfriend this year.

- Move out....maybe?

I am sore and tired, but surprisingly pleased. And very content. It is what it is.

Okay, now I want weed to be legalized for only one goddamn reason...drug dealers suck. As you get older, they get shittier. It's a fact. I mean, if you're going to be a drug dealer, then do your job correctly. Quit being so goddamn sketchy and lagging so hard. Don't be a drug dealer if ya can't keep your clients happy. It's a business, dude...that's all I'm saying.

Anyway, I'm feeling good. That's all that matters. Keep hearing the same songs but I don't feel the same way anymore, and I'd say that's a good thing. I could just be avoiding it but regardless, it's definitely a good thing. Smiling!

It's been raining a lot, so I've been thinking...a lot. I can get nostalgic and bitter, but mostly I am apathetic and bored. I feel like my cat, he is always trying to play with whatever he can find. Making fun of something that's not very fun at all. I really attempt to be optimistic and hopeful. Playful. But I feel that it can be quite unfulfilling when it is only one-sided. Nobody wants to play.

You give and you give, and you get nothing back. Only time wasted. And another lesson learned, oy.

I work Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. YES! I love money. I'm fine with working Christmas eve and Christmas night, I'm all about that holiday pay. I don't care much for the holidays.

I don't know where you've been. Sometimes I wonder, sometimes I care. Most of the time I am happily not giving a shit. But sometimes, I just get so bothered thinking about those pathetic conversations we've had. It crawls under my skin; you are just the itch I cannot scratch. I hate it!

My attitude keeps changing. At this very moment, I...

I don't know. I am puzzled. I am in a pickle. But I am still extremely content with everything!

I'm going to Max Bemis' solo show in February and am really fucking stoked. I seriously can't wait. Going alone to this one as well and it's going to be beautiful. I bought my ticket the first second I could. Ah!

And other than work I don't have that many responsibilities for the next few weeks. That really makes me smile. I love my bed.

I feel relief. I found my car key and house key! I couldn't find 'em, and the only place they could've been was Ashley's car and Kristin's house. After a whole day and a half of my mom constantly reminding me that I'd have to pay $300-400 for a new key, uh...yeah, I'm very fucking happy right now. Phew.

It's been raining a lot and it's pretty cold. The days blur together but I sincerely do not care. I'm in a daze and I don't want to think about anything; I just want to forget.

Why does everyone have to be so sketchy lately? Don't say it if ya don't mean it. Just don't say anything at all! Everyone's got a secret agenda and I just find it really annoying, and I wish that I wasn't involved in any way. I am so tired of mind games...I hate that these kind of people make everything so difficult for me. They are the sketchiest people I know and they completely exhaust me.

And I don't know why I keep refreshing the page thinking something will change. Something new, something I want to read. But it doesn't, and I don't really feel anything anymore.

I'm just getting over everything, and that makes me happy. Very happy.

The cat has decided to take a nap and stick to daydreaming instead. Sleep is more comforting.

Also, I'm in a great mood because "Fabio" won Survivor. I have loved him the whole time and I am stoked he won, he deserved it more than anyone. He was completely genuine and so lovable...and he's such a babe, holy crap.

BABE. I want him, I really do.

inch by inch

So now I'm forging ahead past all the plutocrats who sold me out. Go sob in your bed if life is twice as pretty once you're dead, then send me a card - I'm still the optimist, though it is hard when all you want to be is in a dream.

Meow?

I feel good. I am getting over being sick I think, and I haven't even started the antibiotics yet. Went to the doctor to hear about my blood work, found out I have to come back every week for a month for shots. And then once a month after that. Yay! Needles suck so bad...but hey, vitamins are cool.

The Christmas work party is tonight, I'm excited. Free food, free food, free food, free food...yum. Last year's was so funny, I hope everyone goes to this one. And today is Cassie's birthday! Can't wait to see her.

Then I plan to go to my friend's birthday party Saturday and hang out with all my coworkers again. The last few times I've heard about the pukers, and I am excited to finally witness these friends get drunk. And Ashley's coming down for the weekend, so everything is gonna be fun.

I know the cat and mouse game may have already ended, but the cat still wants to play.