Okay, now I want weed to be legalized for only one goddamn reason...drug dealers suck. As you get older, they get shittier. It's a fact. I mean, if you're going to be a drug dealer, then do your job correctly. Quit being so goddamn sketchy and lagging so hard. Don't be a drug dealer if ya can't keep your clients happy. It's a business, dude...that's all I'm saying.

Anyway, I'm feeling good. That's all that matters. Keep hearing the same songs but I don't feel the same way anymore, and I'd say that's a good thing. I could just be avoiding it but regardless, it's definitely a good thing. Smiling!

It's been raining a lot, so I've been thinking...a lot. I can get nostalgic and bitter, but mostly I am apathetic and bored. I feel like my cat, he is always trying to play with whatever he can find. Making fun of something that's not very fun at all. I really attempt to be optimistic and hopeful. Playful. But I feel that it can be quite unfulfilling when it is only one-sided. Nobody wants to play.

You give and you give, and you get nothing back. Only time wasted. And another lesson learned, oy.

I work Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. YES! I love money. I'm fine with working Christmas eve and Christmas night, I'm all about that holiday pay. I don't care much for the holidays.

I don't know where you've been. Sometimes I wonder, sometimes I care. Most of the time I am happily not giving a shit. But sometimes, I just get so bothered thinking about those pathetic conversations we've had. It crawls under my skin; you are just the itch I cannot scratch. I hate it!

My attitude keeps changing. At this very moment, I...

I don't know. I am puzzled. I am in a pickle. But I am still extremely content with everything!

I'm going to Max Bemis' solo show in February and am really fucking stoked. I seriously can't wait. Going alone to this one as well and it's going to be beautiful. I bought my ticket the first second I could. Ah!

And other than work I don't have that many responsibilities for the next few weeks. That really makes me smile. I love my bed.

I feel relief. I found my car key and house key! I couldn't find 'em, and the only place they could've been was Ashley's car and Kristin's house. After a whole day and a half of my mom constantly reminding me that I'd have to pay $300-400 for a new key, uh...yeah, I'm very fucking happy right now. Phew.

It's been raining a lot and it's pretty cold. The days blur together but I sincerely do not care. I'm in a daze and I don't want to think about anything; I just want to forget.

Why does everyone have to be so sketchy lately? Don't say it if ya don't mean it. Just don't say anything at all! Everyone's got a secret agenda and I just find it really annoying, and I wish that I wasn't involved in any way. I am so tired of mind games...I hate that these kind of people make everything so difficult for me. They are the sketchiest people I know and they completely exhaust me.

And I don't know why I keep refreshing the page thinking something will change. Something new, something I want to read. But it doesn't, and I don't really feel anything anymore.

I'm just getting over everything, and that makes me happy. Very happy.

The cat has decided to take a nap and stick to daydreaming instead. Sleep is more comforting.

Also, I'm in a great mood because "Fabio" won Survivor. I have loved him the whole time and I am stoked he won, he deserved it more than anyone. He was completely genuine and so lovable...and he's such a babe, holy crap.

BABE. I want him, I really do.

inch by inch

So now I'm forging ahead past all the plutocrats who sold me out. Go sob in your bed if life is twice as pretty once you're dead, then send me a card - I'm still the optimist, though it is hard when all you want to be is in a dream.

Meow?

I feel good. I am getting over being sick I think, and I haven't even started the antibiotics yet. Went to the doctor to hear about my blood work, found out I have to come back every week for a month for shots. And then once a month after that. Yay! Needles suck so bad...but hey, vitamins are cool.

The Christmas work party is tonight, I'm excited. Free food, free food, free food, free food...yum. Last year's was so funny, I hope everyone goes to this one. And today is Cassie's birthday! Can't wait to see her.

Then I plan to go to my friend's birthday party Saturday and hang out with all my coworkers again. The last few times I've heard about the pukers, and I am excited to finally witness these friends get drunk. And Ashley's coming down for the weekend, so everything is gonna be fun.

I know the cat and mouse game may have already ended, but the cat still wants to play.

Took the last two finals today. So glad it's over. Now I have like a month or so to not care about anything.

I'm scheduled to work Friday, Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday. And then my friend Nick asked me to pick up his shift Saturday. I'm stoked. I just want to work and not think about anything. Being at work is fun. I like work. Work likes me.

I'm always right, goddamnit. Go fuck yourself and leave me alone.

Sick as a dog.

All of a sudden I can't breathe, it's either way too hot or too cold, and I've got this annoying cough that really hurts my throat. I have spent almost every hour in bed today, besides the trip to Walgreens or sitting in the living room. Fuck being sick, it really screws with any other plans I had. Not like I planned to do much today anyway, but regardless - I hate feeling like this. UGH!

Tomorrow's my last two finals. Thank fucking goodness.

Despite how I feel physically, I'm quite alright emotionally. All is well. Still not givin' a fuck, and it still rules.

Sometimes I don't know where my head is, but then I quickly realize it doesn't matter. I don't want to know.

I really, really, really, really, really do not want to know.

jogging over skulls and leg bones

I am cheerful I guess. I highly doubt it's because it's christmas time, but who knows. I'll admit the christmas lights on our street makes me smile. I love the lights around the trees, it makes driving down this street so much more enjoyable.

The first hour or so of my day wasn't anything to smile about. I woke up groggy, due to the late night I had. I wrote my art history teacher a long email regarding my grade, pleading my case to have her somehow add 2% to my grade. I also mentioned other things, like how unhappy I was with my museum paper grade, and I made a lot of solid points as to why I deserve that measly 2%. I then woke up early to go speak to her in her office and she's only there for an hour. I get there and I see my email enlarged on the screen, and she tells me she does not discuss grades over email. Ugh. Long story short - she completely rejected me in the span of three minutes. Came home and cried a little more, mostly because I'm just upset with myself for being foolish and fucking up. It's obviously my fault, I can't blame the teacher. Although I did make good fucking points...

Anyway, I then turned that frown upside down and decided I should be in a good mood. I cleaned for the cleaners (still never makes sense to me), ate pizza, got electrolyte-d in the face for an hour (didn't hurt like I thought it would), dropped my mom off at the movies and went to the gym, took a really long shower, ate a sandwich and some sour patch kids, reorganized some crap in my room, blah blah blah. I'm in a good mood, that's all that matters.

I get to sleep in this morning. Well, I have the opportunity to...but I know that someone is going to ruin it. Someone's going to wake me up early by being too noisy or coming in my room, I fucking know it! I have work at 5, selling hearts with Robert. The Chronicles of Narnia comes out tomorrow so I assume it could be busy.

Alright, I'm over lurking. I can't lurk anymore. Too much. It's never-ending...click, click, click, click, click, click...this link, that link...read, read, read...click, click, click, click...

And to be truthful, some of the things I find give me anxiety. I don't know how to explain it. The drop-in-your-stomach kind of feeling. Or even just the oh-god-of-course-you-did feeling; it can be so unsettling.

I wonder what I'll dream about tonight...

Two weeks ago I stayed up eight hours writing the perfect essay to turn in to my art history class. Got it back tonight, she gave me a 72. The only thing she had to critique me on was sources. That's it. I didn't have enough sources. I wrote this beautiful fucking essay and quoted and sourced what I needed to, and she wrote "Source?" on each page. Nothing else though. How do you score a low fucking C on an essay when you meet every criteria on the prompt, and you're supposedly only missing a few "sources"? After this essay, the final exam (score: 70.5), and the final group project (score: 100%) were inputted into the grade, the final grade is a 68%. I'm off by two percentage points. As I walked out of class I immediately started crying. Drove home crying. Got in bed and cried some more. Yeah, I'm upset I didn't pass, but really I'm fucking mad cause I spent so much time on these last few projects, only to come up short. How do you get docked 28 points for supposedly not having enough sources, and that's the ONLY thing wrong with your essay? That essay is 20% of my grade, so yeah, it's really fucking important to me. Ugh, I'm so pissed.

Does anyone want to come over and hold me while I cry into my pillow? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Now I'm in a shitty mood, and I just want to eat and eat, but I'm not even that hungry. I just want to stuff my face and devour my feelings. I'll probably go to In-N-Out. I deserve a good cheeseburger to go with a good cry. And maybe some good fries, too. Maybe even a good chocolate shake.

system software

I am tired.

I stayed up late last night being productive, but mostly I just productively procrastinated. After I spent hours creating an easy list for myself to refer to while registering this morning, I then took a shower, watched the new Glee, smoked and ate macaroni and cheese and sour patch kids, lurked on facebook, and ultimately wasted time. By 4:30, I realized I should just go to bed.

My alarm went off at 7:15. I initially had planned to wake up early and finish the research/report for my last group project (due tonight), but I just laid there. 8:00, spent two hours registering for classes. I fucking hate registering, everything I really need is never open. I still got classes that qualify me to transfer to a cal-state, but I really need English 100 and Communications 100. Maybe next semester. After completing registration, I worked on the research shit. Then I studied for my final exam in my computer information systems class at 11. I scored average on the exam, and got a C for the class. Ugh. Now I'm finishing the research, then I need to get ready for class. I look like shit. I have not worn make-up or styled my hair in the slightest bit for the past few days. Maybe week? The week days feel so slow. I get out of bed, brush my teeth, throw on the same brown pants and whatever band t-shirt is hanging up still. Same old American Apparel hoodies, same old shoes. I really stopped caring about how I look, because I'm just too busy worrying about other things. I drag my feet through the week days, just stumbling along. I'm losing sleep again. I wake up early and exhausted, and annoyed. I'M TIRED.