Fuck.

Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I fucked up. My mom's gonna kill me.

"I've got an empty wallet and a record cover"

I have become consumed with Say Anything. I am obsessed, I can't stop listening to them. These past few months have been ridiculous. I've always loved 'em, but I don't know what happened...Now I wake up and immediately push play on my itunes, constantly on a shuffled playlist of allllll Say Anything songs. All day, every day. I get in my car and plug my ipod in and just continue where I left off. Even when I go to the gym, I only listen to them. Last month I went to a Say Anything show by myself. I creepily follow Max on twitter and enjoy it very much. The other day my sister said, "Do you ever listen to anyone else?" Aaaaaah! Every emotion I have throughout the day I easily relate to one of their songs. I'm going crazy...

I think I'm in love with Max Bemis......Jesse Lacey, I'm sorry...I'll come back to you, I promise.

I've been putting off updating this, and now I can't remember all the stupid things I wanted to write.

I worked the Harry Potter midnight showing tonight. I was expecting a disastrous, chaotic mess and being there for hours, but I got sent home thirty minutes after midnight. I thought it would be worse than Twilight, but it was nowhere near as bad. We had to open all eighteen theaters for Twilight, but only nine for HP. I wanted to go to the gym after, but there's so many shows on tonight that I need to watch...decisions, decisions. I chose staying home and getting high with Brit and watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Now I'm in bed, watching Grey's Anatomy. I've been watching an episode every night this week, because I fell behind on this season. There's so many shows I need to catch up on, such a bummer.

I dropped a class, US History after 1877. It was on Tuesdays and Thursdays, 3:30-6. Couldn't do it anymore. I have too much to focus on in my other classes, and this one was an accelerated course. Fifteen units was just too much for me, sorry mom. I'm already bombing other classes that I need to focus on, ugh.

I guess I would usually write a shitload and complain about everything going on in my life, but I don't want to do that. I can't say that I'm not happier lately, because I am. I'm more positive than I've been for the past few months. Things still suck, people still suck, I still suck, but hey...at least I'm smiling.

oh me, oh my

There's a man assigned to me

and he checks on my stability.

We discuss you every week,

then I rinse and rinse, repeat.

And he charges by the tear,

'til I weep no more strictly out of fear

that I can't afford your love,

And the moon just burns above.

There's a lot of things I could write right now, about everything that has happened lately. But it is pointless. And silly.

All that matters: I am exhausted, and drained, and alone, and thoughtful, and kind of content with everything.

I wanted closure, and I got closure. So I'm feeling good. I want to exchange all this negative energy for positive energy, so...I will.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

like watching newborn babies crack from work-related stress

Waiting for an edible to hit you feels like forever.

I realized the homework I've been putting off for weeks won't be so hard after all, and that I'll just do it tomorrow before class. All the things I've been frustrated about this week have sort of faded out. After class today my mood has changed, I'm not any more optimistic. But I am going to choose to be more quiet. And that I'm going to relax. I am constantly biting everyone's heads off, I am so quick to jump to conclusions and give off my awkward negative vibes. I bitched out some bonehead today in my group in US History (after 1877) and the way he responded totally annoyed me. I'm too tired to go into detail but that moment made me realize I'm too tired to store all this negative energy all the goddamn time. I give up. I'm just going to say "meh" to everything, it'll make life so much easier. I don't want to care anymore.

I've been busy, I've been stressed, I've been dreaming.

Jerry is drooling all over me right now. I really love him, he has been the best cat. The biggest lover I've ever met. I'm so happy he forgave me after Boots and started sleeping in my room again.

Crazy cat lady FTW.

Alright...I'm hungry again. I eat so much now. It rules.

turn-around

I haven't been very positive lately. I've just felt like complete shit, because I realized that I am so unmotivated. Any passion or dream of mine isn't enough to light a fire under my ass. If I could smoke weed for a living, I would do it. But other than that, I don't really have much going for me.

All my old aspirations have been lost over time or just faded out until I completely forgot about 'em. I wanted to be an English teacher because I would teaching literature and whatnot, but then I decided not to. I wanted to be something involved with art history, but my memory will hold me back, so I gave up on that one. I thought about being a court reporter like my mom, and I'm still considering that as an option. But I'm so...empty. I've got nothing. My days consist of the same routine. By the time I crawl under my covers at night, I'm either - on the verge of tears, too high to fall asleep, or completely drained to the point that I'm numb. I'm tired of thinking and feeling. I wish I could neglect all responsibility and sit around and do what I do best. Nothing. I am so talented at procrastinating, it's like an art form. If I could major in procrastination, I would do just fine.

Something that has always been on my mind was opening my own shop. For what? I'm not too sure. I would love to say a bakery, but bakeries usually don't have the best business. If I could open a shop and sell edibles and all kinds of food, I would be so fucking happy. I could combine all my favorite things - food, weed and money. So, that's my goal. (For now.) I feel pretty confident thinking about this, so I'm going to run with it. Fuck it. This is what I want to do. I'm going to talk to my counselor to change my major to entrepreneurship.

Fuck off, everyone. I gave up on my social life weeks ago, and I'm doing better. I just want to focus on me. I've been a selfish bitch as of lately so I apologize to anyone and everyone. I am my top priority. Me. That's all I care about. I don't need anyone but me.

I've been falling apart for months, but I swear that I'm finally picking up the pieces. I have no other choice.

I haven't been this upset in a while. All these things piling up and bothering me, and giving me anxiety. It finally hit me, and I am so unbelievably pissed off.

I'm going to get high and eat my linguini with clams and garlic bread from yesterday that I never got to finish. I paid $16 for that shit, it's time to devour it and weep. Woe is me.

So stressful lately. Being a responsible young adult is so annoying.

I officially hate you. Yeah, I said it. You're nothing but a liar!

spew in this

I woke up early this morning, jumped out of bed, and rushed off to get Boots. I missed him. Driving in my car, I realized that my whole dream revolved around Max Bemis. We made out a few times, it was actually really awesome. Anyways, I arrive at the vet and the ladies up front direct me to the back room, same room I left him in. I walk in and I see all these cats, crying, whining, purring, bitching. And then I see Boots, curled up in the back of his cage. Poor baby. The lady tells me all the precautions I have to do, I pay, then I'm out the door. I get in my car and let Boots out of the box, since he loves sleeping in my lap when I drive. He jumps down to where the passenger foot area is, starts meowing and clawing at the carpet. Immediately I'm like "oh fuck!" and lean over as fast as possible to grab him. He's totally about to take a piss in my car. I swing open the passenger door, grab him around his chest and am leaning over, holding him outside the car. He's got one foot on the open door and the other on the inside of my car, and he's pissing. It was the funniest, most awkward moment we've shared in a while. After a minute of him still peeing, I'm just sitting there, staring at him. He's giving me this look, it's so apologetic and sincere, and a little embarrassed. He just really had to pee. Cars driving by just see this cat hanging outside of a car, they were like what the hell. Eventually we get home, and I put him in his new bed and he knocks out. He's so happy to be home.

I'm going to ditch my first class today, computer information systems. Every Wednesday we take a quiz that is worth 60 points, and I always get a B+ or higher. I'd rather stay home for that hour and a half and watch Boots. The teacher will let me make up the quiz, so really I'm not missing anything. But truthfully, it's 10:12 and class starts at 11, and I don't feel like getting ready right now. I need to shower and whatnot, and I'm starving. I'd rather get ready later before my second class at 6. And I have so much to study for tonight's test, I'm fucked. I bombed the last one, I'm sure I'll bomb this one. I am not looking forward to tonight.

Yesterday morning I took initiative and drove to the store and bought myself a box of cinnamon toast crunch cereal. I need to start eating breakfast. I am wasting away, and not eating 'til after 6pm isn't going to cut it anymore. Alright, I've decided my plan for the day. Get high, eat some cereal, lurk a little bit, get my study on, shower, study some more, then off to class to slit my wrists for three hours. Yay. So excited.

As of lately, I am surprised to say that Ariel and I are now...friends. She's no longer a bitch, which is cool. She still walks by and ignores us completely, but she doesn't cringe anymore when I touch her or run away from me like I'm contagious. A few nights this week actually she's come into my room and started crying. She comes down the hallway, sits outside my door and meows like a little bitch. So I'm like, "What, Ariel? Are you trying to get some lovin'?" and she jumped on my bed, and let me love her. She actually purred and was happy. Very awkward, but awesome. I told my dad and he couldn't believe it. But then last night, I went outside and saw her sitting on the bricks outside my window. I went over to her and she was crying, so I took her inside to my parents' room. I guess she injured her back leg, she cried a lot when I would touch it. She's still walking around though, like the tough bitch she is.

The past few days on facebook I've noticed a lot of statuses about a girl that goes to the high school I went to. I remember her clearly, she's dating one of my old friends from elementary school. All the statuses read, "Get well, Sydney!" but then they progressively starting getting worse. I read into it and found out that she had been hit by a car while walking to school, and she was in critical condition. I feel horrible, her family must be devastated. She was an adorable girl, really sweet. I never talked to her much, but I always thought she was a nice person. My friend that she's dating is one of the sweetest guys I know, so I knew she had to be a sweetheart, too. It bothers me that these kids on facebook were posting some of the things they were. I mean, yeah, it's really sweet that everyone's posting prayers and whatnot. But some were posting information about her condition that I feel just wasn't appropriate to write on facebook. I actually read one that said, "The rumors are true...her brain is too swollen and she's on her last twenty-four hours" - Why would you write that? That's none of your business. You can post your prayers and your get-well statements, but at least be respectful. I feel horrible, I still have a friend request from her on facebook in my requests. I know I'm not religious, so I can't say I'll pray, but I will wish and hope that she makes a recovery from this. It's things like this that make you realize how valuable your life truly is, and how fragile you are in this world.

I see you in line every day

I don't want to be awake. I want to sleep for hours and hours and hours, today, and tomorrow, and the next day...

Everyone's posting about voting on facebook and whatnot, like they're really excited. I already voted a few days ago and mailed it in instead. I'm just really annoyed with all this crap, I could care less about it. All these political propagandistic commercials are so poorly done. They say whatever they can about the opponent, when they should be focusing on their own issues and agenda. And I don't agree with anyone anyway, so I'm not going to be pleased with whoever it is that wins. But whoever does win, I sure hope it's not a democrat. I don't believe in the political parties, I'd rather listen to someone rant about government conspiracies. Anything that's not a political party, really, because it's all too skewed for me to agree with. Nothing matters in the end.

I had to drop Boots off this morning at the vet, he's going to get neutered. I feel so bad, he just discovered his manhood recently and now we're going to take it away from him. I just don't want to see him masturbating anymore, it's very awkward for me cause he'll be sitting right next to me. And plus I don't want him out at night running around with all the slutty cats. Supposedly getting your cat neutered is supposed to calm them down, so we'll see. I don't want him to lose his fun personality, I'm sure he won't. I have to pick him up tomorrow morning...he's going to hate me. They made me put him in a cage in a room with all these other crying cats, and he gave me this face that I can't get out of my head. He won't forgive me for this, I know it.

I miss him so much already. I don't want to go the whole day without seeing his adorable face.

I am pretty exhausted. I'm doing homework all the time when I'm in my room, so I tried avoiding it for a while. Then all my homework piled up again over the weekend since I neglected all responsibility due to halloween activities. Friday was so fun, Cassie and I had a blast in our costumes. It was cool walking around and hearing Wayne's World quotes all night. I got pretty drunk, that was fun. I haven't been that drunk in a while. We came back to my house and eventually I passed out. Saturday I drove to Cassie and hung out in that area with some friends. Didn't do anything on Sunday, except homework and being a bum. I was so tired I passed out around eight or nine. We barely had any trick-or-treaters, it was kind of sad. Our neighborhood was dark and quiet most of the time. So glad I got to sleep though, it was desperately needed. Woke up early Monday to write an essay, went to both my classes. Came home and had to complete an assignment before midnight, then I rushed to finish other assignments due today because I knew I wouldn't have the time (more like the energy) to finish it before class. I had to wake up so early today. Yes, 7:30 is early to me. To some others, not so much. I wish I could nap hella hard right now, but I have so much studying to do for two tests tomorrow. One is extremely important, it's for my art history class. I bombed the last one so this one is definitely important. And I still have homework that I should finish today. I'm so annoyed, a total slit-wrists moment. I can't wait for the semester to be over. Five or six weeks are left. Just waiting 'til I can wake up and not feel the burden of schoolwork hanging over my head.

The only thing I'm actually pleased with at this moment is the fact that I'm going to work enough hours this weekend to produce a mediocre check. The last few have certainly been too small, but if I'm correct, I should work somewhere around thirteen hours this weekend. And then a few more including this Thursday, I'm working the midnight showing for Due Date, Megamind, and For Colored Girls. That will be an interesting crowd, ha. And this check that I'm getting on Friday will be alright, it'll have the two shifts I worked two weekends ago on it. I need money, I'm constantly wringing my life out like a wet cloth. Every drip is still something. I'll take anything. I took all the change I've been collecting for the past few months, and got $27. I'm so desperate, maybe I should go to the mall and jack all the change at the bottom of the water fountains. I don't give a shit, I need cash. My sister's boyfriend bought my nikon D40, so there's some money I can sit on for a few days. It just sucks because basically all of that money I have to hand over immediately to my mom and my sister, because I owe them a lot. Money comes and goes so quickly.

I have the worst tummy ache right now. I always do after eating, so it's just a stupid, pointless cycle. My body hates me. I'm starting to hate me, too. Why can't I just be normal and healthy and eat food like everyone else!

I really miss my grandma, and I really miss Reggie. I think about them a lot.

My phone is giving up on me. It shuts off randomly way too often, and now I'm just over it. I ignore it and leave it, which obviously isn't the correct solution. But I just don't want to deal with it. I'll fix it eventually, when I actually have time to talk to my dad. I wish I saw him more lately, he's been so busy with work. It must suck to get called out at three in the morning for an emergency, a few nights a week sometimes. I don't want to grow up.

I've realized my social life has slowly died out again, but I'm too caught up in my own problems to notice. Besides school I have several personal conflicts that I'm consumed with, so I can't wait for school to end so I can take a deep breath and relax for a second.

I'm procrastinating in every aspect of my life. I'm serious, every single one. I feel like a robot, doing the same thing every day. Lately I have been void of any real emotion, and I'll admit I don't want to feel. I am exhausted. I just want to sleep. I'm sorry.

Every bone in my body melts when I hear this song.