blue eyed lightning bolt

My island nights are all spent dying

Wait for summer to become wrought with lips,

my wishful thinking

stay put and play along

I'm lacking. lots of things.

I smoked, thinking it would bring me happiness, but it's only brought me pathetic realizations that I'm..simply lacking.

I'm happy. I'm okay. I'm smiling.

I just wish that I didn't have to do it alone.

and I'm not sure what I meant by that. really.

I'm just typing. ramble.

this song is so soothing right now. shmeh

don't let the children out to play

I'm not sure how I feel right now. it's been an eventful weekend.

not really, but enough to fuck with my head. sort of.

I'm not sure. I don't know.

friday, I hung out with ryan. his two friends were a hoot, definitely no shame. it was fun; the situation was a little awkward, though. hah. he's cute and entertaining, and it's not awkward with him. so it was a good night. the driving on the freeway part was super sweet, it was calming and refreshing.

I have really fallen in love with driving and listening the black lips. a sweet high makes it that much better, but even without that, it's so amazing. I become completely entranced in those moments, and my mind wanders into sweet curiosity. it's probably my favorite thing to do now.

then I come home, lay in bed, and sulk in my odd state of mind.

spiteful, intolerant, vacant, bitter, vague.

I wish I could be more open about things. but I'd just look miserable. and I'm not.

I just feel like I'll never be happy like the way I want. at the level I want to be.

because I constantly reach my hands out and feel for things, hoping to grasp on to something that actually fills me with contentment and some sort of joy that I can't feel anywhere else.

but I seem to just be reaching out to the wrong things. wrong places. wrong people.

trial and error. trial and error. trial and error.

lots of errors.

on Friday, I was walking...err, running out of my room, and my foot got caught somehow between the carpet and the tile in my doorway, and it hurt so fucking bad. I couldn't stop running, and I ran/limped all the way into my parents' bedroom. I finally looked down and saw lots of skin hanging off my big toe on my left foot. lots of skin, lots of blood. lots of pain. Right when I saw it, I felt how much it hurt...I started crying immediately. I hopped back into the hallway and into the bathroom and just screamed out for someone to help me. I haven't cried like that in years, to be honest. I have not felt pain like that for a very long time, ha. my sister helped me take care of it. It's like it wouldn't stop bleeding, so disgusting. I ripped off some of the skin, because it was pointless to leave it hanging there. I swear, it was a few layers of skin...it was a deep gash looking thing, ugh. gushy, bloody skin. fuck my life. I got it wrapped up yesterday. whatever. so pissed I even hurt myself to begin with..I shouldn't have been running. stupid me.

yesterday was stressful. it was the first day in a long time that I had to seriously do homework. I haven't done homework at home for a few months, really. I put off the essay for my English class. he really didn't give us the actual prompt 'til this last thursday, so I blame him. ha. we had to write an essay on the value of life, whether you can put a dollar value on a life. I definitely believe you can, you do, and you should. it happens every day. I worked on it for hours, and turned in just minutes before the due date. thank goodness. I wrote what was needed, I'm sure I'll get an average grade on it. play by the rules of school, and you get alright grades. I'm down with that strategy right now, too lazy to really put an effort into my work as of lately.

lost my motivation. for lots of things.

My room is horrible. I haven't seen it this bad in a while. I don't know why it's so hard for me to clean up after myself. I should, it's not hard. I just think, "I'll come back to that later." and I don't. someone, please, help me. I'm such a mess, ha.

my mind is just somewhere else lately.

I guess I'm bitter over the situation. I didn't think it bothered me 'til a few days ago. I shouldn't really have expected anything of it, it wasn't anything special. it's just been a very long time since I've felt that feeling in my stomach. it was extremely refreshing and appealing.

not much I can do about it now. lesson learned, I guess you can say.

I'm like a child. sometimes I become moody and bitter when things are taken away from me. I'm usually the one with the power, with the control over what I do, and for someone else to decide how it's going to be, it annoys me. I can't help it.

I'm listening to edward sharpe, and in one of his songs, it sounded like he said 'tootsie rolls', and I just got extremely hungry for tootsie rolls. and it reminded me that my mom bought a shitload of bags of 'em.

stoked. getting out of my bed to go get them from the kitchen sounds like a mission, though. I don't know if I have the energy.

I probably don't. we'll see.

I shouldn't stay up. I haven't slept much this past week, I've been staying up 'til four or five, for no reason. I need sleep. my body's starting to ache again. I remember this feeling. it's not a friend of mine.

I got up to get the tootsie rolls. totally worth it. they are delicious.

today was valentine's day. I had work, five to close. It was quite busy, lots of couples and whatnot. it definitely got on my nerves. at least I worked with my favorite people from there - jonay, michael, abe, nick. jonay and I smoked on our lunch, that was nice. I'm sure all those stupid couples enjoyed their valentine's day.

no point in it. no point at all.

I think it's the feeling used part of the issue that bothers me. I don't know.

that would be very hypocritical of me. really.

I just want to close my eyes and forget about so many things.

time for sleep, time to try and erase these emotions I can't ignore.

cooooooool beans.

I can't win.

bad romance

okay, so I just discovered this....

what the fuck. no idea what's going on but I'm stoked.

she's like twelve. so fucking awesome.

and okay, I'm sort of high.

but this video rules...period.

I need sleep.

jack nicholson

ugh. I thought this week was gonna be a good week.

School is really pissing me off. screw half of my teachers, they just turned into assholes. I want out of photo, I'm over it. really. I have yet to take my second roll of film, I just can't seem to do it. I don't feel like it. Economics is quite easy, I'll pass that with an A no matter what. but English is really starting to piss me off...my teacher is no longer mr. nice guy, he's just grumpy and angry and gives me attitude. I hate when teachers give me attitude. so I was a bitch right back. he used to love me, I don't know what happened. but I take it very personal, ha. whatever. fuck school this week. I'm just upset.

I have a bunch of shit to do, out of no where. the first semester was nothing, no homework or anything. now I'm already missing a few assignments and it's only the first week of second semester. what the fuck.

I really don't wanna do it. someone save me.

I had work tonight, I'm just exhausted. originally I was scheduled 6-8, no idea why only two damn hours. but they called me and asked me to work the midnight showings, so of course I said yes. money. I worked 6-12, pretty good. I didn't need to stay because they had a lot of people working. sad thing is, it was kind of dead, not many people came. My manager maria had marlyn and I paint these huge pieces of paper as flower petals, and they looked pretty sweet. I was painting hawaiian flowers, they were really pretty. my back and my hands ache, though.

I'm just tired.

I took a home a cardboard cut-out of john travolta, bald and 'badass' looking, with a gun in his hand. ha, stoked. so lame.

I've smoked a lot lately. starting to mess with my head. or maybe that's just me.

I want to do some work right now, but I don't have the energy. too lazy.

such an issue.

I finally burned that damn cd. I've been trying to burn a black lips playlist I made onto a cd, and my mom's old van rejected the cd's. I thought it was because her van was old, but I wasn't setting it to 'audio' and it was set to 'mp3'. fml, so many cd's wasted. oh well, now I have like twenty black lips cd's. just in case. ha.

I don't know how I feel about everything that's happening lately.

pleased, hesitant, intrigued, bored, bitter, reluctant, envious, needy, distant.

I just want the weekend to be here. fuck this week. fuck this month. fuck this mood.

moonlight on my floor, shining through the roof

sitting on my bed, feeling good. getting over my high, listening to mgmt. mmmm, happy.

it was a good weekend...week, actually, and today ended it nicely. no school today, so I scheduled an appointment for my driving test...and I passed! I'm officially a licensed driver, fuck yes. problems are solved.

wednesday I went to lunch with topher, we planned that wednesdays are our new lunch days. that was fun, topher's a goof. then later that night I went to jared's birthday at the yardhouse. that was a bit awkward just because there were a few people that don't necessarily like me, but it was fun nonetheless. didn't go to school friday, but I worked 2-5:30, ugh. stayed home, smoked and watched tv with my mom, she wanted to watch twilight...oof. I laughed and said go for it, so she puts it on, and she was saying the funniest shit about it. eventually she turned it off cause it was so bad. I was pretty stoned and I cuddled with my dog on the couch and fell asleep.

saturday, I went to a wake, and saw a bunch of family...or sort of family. then I went to a play about shakespeare, they covered sixteen plays in like two hours. and they were pretty funny. I smoked before, of course. and it was good. felt like forever, though.

and last night I went to michael's for his birthday, and that was fun. I wish cassie could've come. I had some beer, smoked. I was more high or buzzed than I thought I was, surprised me by the end of the night, ha. it's just been a while. but it was fun. good to see people.

the most awkward thing, though, is when someone you know that hates you is being really nice to you. I'm nice back, of course..but it's just weird.

now that I drive, I can see my friends so much more. visit cassie, zack, ramsey, topher, tyler, sheilahn. get myself my own food. stoked, stoked, stoked.

I'm missing first period in the morning cause I forgot to shoot my second roll for photo, so I need to do that tomorrow. fuck. but this week should be a good week...no school today, and not a lot of shit going on this week. should be simple. I like simple.

I work thursday, saturday, sunday and monday. oof. I have a date friday, we'll see how that goes. :3

I played bunco today, and had most wins. I won seventeen bucks, but my mom took back the seven it cost to play, so I ended up with ten.

whatever, money's money.

can't wait for my next check. ugh.

gotta get in the shower. hmmmm, I like this feeling.

and I really think it's cool

do you really wanna hold my dirty hands

do you really wanna hold my dirty hands

do you really wanna hold my dirty hands

"I feel like a great dane!"

Tuesday. blah blah blah.

it was a good day, I guess. smoked before school, spent too much money at the carwash on junk food, ate too much today between the hours of eight to twelve. and school was alright, this second semester is gonna be easy shmeasy. kayla came back to kennedy, so it was nice to see her, I missed her. now I've got a girl friend in first court, how exciting.

I was daydreaming in class today and realized it's fucking february. time flew so fast, one semester's already over with. and I love february, (not really). it's such a short month. thank god those famous dudes or whatever died this month, because I get two three-day holiday weekends in a row. so stoked. I hate the weather, but I love the time part of it.

I usually hate february. I still do. valentine's day is never good, it's cold and I'm usually bitter. it's just a dumb month.

so I'm always stoked because it's always damn short.

drove my mom to different stores today to buy shit for dinner. I'm home, and I just smoked too much, and I'm very excited to eat.

chicken, potatoes, green peas, french bread.

I'm watching a show about a midget couple. my sister and I can't stop making jokes about them. my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. the little lady is a doctor, and I was saying how I wouldn't want a midget operating on me, and my sister says, "so does she get paid less?" too funny.

I don't care, I just find it hilarious.

and Lost's last season begins tonight.

and I still have a shitload of yogurt left in the freezer.

coconut, cake batter, chocolate malt, old fashioned vanilla/

damn you, golden spoon, for being so good.

fuck yes.

it definitely was an alright tuesday.

alright, back to the midgets on tv. bye.

merge, merge, merge

high and tired. rolling around in my sheets, best feeling ever. smile.

Last night was nice, hung out with cassie, ramsey and matt. went to bj's, ate way too much. my stomach felt like it was going to explode. honestly. I had to unbutton my shorts. I just came home and laid down. ha, so full. club sandwich, fries and a pizookie. and almost two hours before that I had eaten at portillo's, a huge burger and fries. unbelievable. I'm invincible when I'm high.

Friday night was good, too. Julian came to hang with me after he got off work. our second date went nicely.

The weekends are so fun now. and school goes by so fast, lately at least. four hours a day, come home, sleep. the weekend. what a enjoyable routine.

drove a lot today. On a bunch of freeways, went to ikea. Bought a new comforter, super comfy. yum yum yum. then I went to panda express with my mom, I'm super full right now. just want to fall asleep.

but I guess I'll watch the grammy's. why not?

..so, I'm pretty sure I can take a hint. *sigh.

that's what you get. that's what I get.

the wicked witch is dead

My ears are ringing, it's quite annoying. I just feel so tired, agh.

I just got home from my little cousin's play, it was the wizard of oz. it was cute...I thought it would be all kids but there were older dudes and gals in it, too. Some were just horrible, but most were pretty good. the little kids were adorable, they were the munchkins. sooo cute, holy crap.

The past two days of school were finals for the first semester. I know I did well on the finals, they were pretty easy for me. I'm very pleased with my grades, I've got three B's and two A's. stoked, no one can bitch at me. weeeeeee. Got out at 9:15 this morning cause I only had to go to period one, so that was sweet. came home, got back in bed, where my cat was still waiting for me. adorable.

I went to the movies with mikey the other night. He came down to buena park with his friend cause she had to for work, so we hung out and saw sherlock holmes. it was nice seeing him, he's always fun to hang out with.

then I had my last driving lesson today, and that went well...I went on the freeway. I was fucking scared, but once I was on there, I ruled at driving. I like the freeway a lot, very big and spacious. lots of room to work with, ha. I take my test on february 8th, so excited. I'm hoping I do well, I think I will. Lots of places I'd like to drive to, a few special people. :)

No school tomorrow, but I have work. 12:30-8:30, hopefully I get off earlier. pretty sure I'm hanging out with julian, hopefully.

there's a lot of things I'd like to write, but it's the first time in a while that I feel somewhat...shy. an interesting feeling, I feel reserved and nervous. biting my tongue, holding back a lot. I just feel like I'm getting way too ahead of myself.

like always.

and unfortunately, lately I feel like I've created quite a few enemies...some are just old ones that have converted back to hating me, some new. it's a bummer. I wish I could change that, but I have to start by changing myself. I hate the situations I create for myself. but, you know. I'm stuck.

stuck. stuck. stuck.

I need something new. and I can taste it, it makes me smile and full of curiosity.

but of course, I shall bite my tongue.

keep quiet. and just wait. patience.

I wish I could simply state how I feel this exact moment, but I can't.

gotta keep quiet, hmmmmm.

question and answer

he sat naked and drunk in a room of summer

night, running the blade of the knife

under his fingernails, smiling, thinking

of all the letters he had received

telling him that

the way he lived and wrote about

that--

it had kept them going when

all seemed

truly

hopeless.

putting the blade on the table, he

flicked it with a finger

and it whirled

in a flashing circle

under the light.

who the hell is going to save

me? he

thought.

as the knife stopped spinning

the answer came:

you're going to have to

save yourself.

still smiling,

a: he lit a

cigarette

b: he poured

another

drink

c: gave the blade

another

spin.