'probably not'

It's been a week, shmeh.  Here I am.  snuggled up in my disney princess blanket, heater blowing straight at me, listening to my sweet playlist on itunes.  Currently it's the juliana theory.  Life rules right now.

Not really, but I wanted to say that.  made me feel better.

It's alright.  I haven't done much lately.  School's been lame, not much going on.  Two A's are now B's.  blahblahblah, whatever.  Don't really care.

My moods shift on and off.  I'll be smiling, but it'll fold into a facial expression that reads discomfort, and a slight hint of guilt.

I keep staring at my hands, as if they'll write something exciting, something new...something I don't know.  But I know everything.  I know too much.  My head aches.

I've created such a sweet set of tunes, but my itouch ipod or whatever the fuck it is, doesn't work.  so fucking mad!  Gotta get a new one.  and I was so excited to carry that bitch around.  man.  now I gotta wait a few more days.

It's winter break now.  I'm quite stoked, to be honest.  So much sleep, definitely gonna catch up on sleep.  I woke up so grumpy this morning.  But two weeks off of school, how fucking nice.  Love breaks, all kinds of breaks.  This one shall be cozy.  but probably cold, goddamnit, I hate the cold..

Went to Cassie's birthday party tonight at Keith Paull's house.  Saw Cassie, of course, and Hannah, Kyle Thomas, Keith, Madison, Baker, Mike, Sabrina, Care, Jeremy, Alison, Ramsey, Jared, Spencer, Matt and I met some weird guy, Amir.  hahah, such an odd dude.  But it was really nice to see everyone, missed a lot of 'em.  it was fun.

So happy Cassie's back.  this winter break will be fun cause I have my best friend back.  yayayay.

and I made plans with a few people, because I just miss them so.  Taking Kyle Thomas to a movie, hanging out with Sabrina, and eating with Ramsey?  ha, I hope this winter break goes well.

Time off always feels so good.  but I'm just going to forget everything...that doesn't feel good.  but oh well.

enjoying my life.  smile.  enjoy.  repeat.

I'm not good at playing these games.  I don't know what some things mean, how they're meant to sound, what silence really says.  I used to think I understood...but now, I can't seem to grasp it.  playful and witty.  Some are just not worth it.  but I learn.  live and learn.  agh, I hate that saying.

Tummy is growling...oof.  Don't want to wake anyone, damn.  and I have work at 9:30 in the morning.  I thought I started at 2, but I was definitely wrong...such a bummer.

When I saw those tattoos on your neck, I couldn't help but cry.  I was so upset.  With you, with your stupid choices.  I know you want to say that you're going to succeed and that you'll show everyone, flip everyone off in the end...but getting those permanently on your neck, for everyone to see.  You just fucked yourself over.  I feel like I care more about you then you care about yourself.  I just wish you'd think.  You say you do, but I don't think you do...you always bitch about society's rules and whatnot.  but if you're asking to become a part of it, you should play by the rules.  just enough, 'til you're in, 'til you're successful, stable.  But it is your life.  And you can do whatever you want.  And I really hope you do, that you do become a teacher, or a business man, whatever your many dreams are.  but those tattoos...goddamnit, I just want to smack you for doing that to yourself.  I care about you so much.  please, please, please, just think.  start thinking.

I think I'm gonna call it a night.  not really, I'll probably stay up.  But this blog has reached it's end.

I'm losing all positive feelings.  better hurry before it's too late.

goodnight.

There's the respect that makes calamity of so long life.

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,

The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office, and the spurns

That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscovered country from whose bourn

No traveler returns, puzzles the will

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

The last two lines are what really gets me.

oh, Hamlet.  How I hate/love you so.

we don't know them

My hands don't stop.

They touch, they say, they move.

My mind is spinning continuously, flowing through gaps and holes made intentionally.

I can't explain.

I can't tell you of the way I feel, it's flawed and torn, into bits that I can't even piece together.

I'm making mistakes, I become impulsive and I reach out too quickly.

I talk too much, speaking louder and faster, just rambling to your ears.

I'm aching for attention and it's getting the best of me.

Paranoid and thoughtful, my head's getting bigger.

It's all just getting the best of me.

I can't stop my fingers.  I can't stop my need to feel and be felt.

I want it, I see it...it's mutual.

But I can't stop.  I don't stop.

My hands just won't stop.

rambling, I'm just rambling today.

the fact that I'm very stoned this morning, could be a good reason.

I want to break away from this mood.  I'm becoming everything I hate.

yet I'm loving everything I am right now.

I have quite the addition of bracelets on my wrists, thanks to the artwalk.  I went Thursday night with Bryant to downtown la, it was fun.  It began to rain so we bounced early, but the things I saw...I really liked.  I'm definitely going to the next one, in january.  and hopefully it won't be raining, that blew.

Enjoying myself.  humbled.  striving.

I ended it with kyle.  I needed to.  I'm sorry, but I had to.

Cassie's home in less than a week.  very excited.  Winter break is soon.  I just feel like time is going by smoothly right now.

Everything's not perfect, but I'm content.

You're more of a puzzle than I thought.  I figured I had it all figured out.  But now I'm falling behind as you pass me by.  I'm not used to this, curiosity and confusion.  hoping.  wondering.  feeling.  I'm feeling.  I'm feeling too much, more than I'd like to.  falling back into old habits.

I'm most likely just digging a hole.  but it goes on.

I'm tingly and smiling.  no particular reason.

rain and warmth in blankets.

Just another saturday.

the warmth of a bowl

..is too comforting.

Being high makes me very pleased.

Lifted...my mind is somewhere else.

Hot chocolate and two blankets, winter's here...goddamnit.

freeze my smile, hold it 'til spring.

it's gonna take a while.

So the air's getting colder,

and the news keeps us scared..

fucking stoked

the music itself gets me pumped.

stoooooked.